‘Sit with your feelings’ ‘Reframe your thinking’ How do I actually do this?

[SunshineonLeaves]

My counsellor says I can’t change the past (obviously) or other people’s behaviour so I need to do the above but I don’t understand how - if it was that easy to change my feelings I would! Can anyone share how they’ve managed to do this please?

To me, 'sit with your feelings' is about acceptance. Your feelings are the way you feel, neither right nor wrong, and whatever you feel is OK. You do not need to change them because of some belief that they are wrong or bad or whatever. Equally, you do not need to change them because of an expectation that you should feel any particular way. You are entitled to your own feelings.

Of course, some feelings are distressing, and you would like to not feel that way. But you cannot change the way you feel by fighting it. The change comes through your acceptance of your feelings and through reframing the thoughts that lead to those feelings. 'Sitting with your feelings' is, I suppose, also reframing your thoughts about your feelings.

I found it very difficult to reframe my thoughts without external guidance and support. I had two courses of CBT which were extremely helpful, especially the one I had while on anti-depressants.

So often on Mumsnet a poster will ask whether they are being unreasonable in a personally distressing situation, and the responses ask "Re-read your posts and imagine they are from a friend. What would you tell them?" And the OP's response is to realise that they very much ANBU.

I found it very helpful to imagine I had a parrot on my shoulder. I called it the Poisonous Perfectionist. When I considered that those "I'm not good enough" type thoughts to come from the Poisonous Perfectionist, I was better able to give them less weight, less influence, less belief.

Just to say, I was so numb, the concept of feelings and emotions was completely alien - I could say I feel desperate, but I could really only use very basic toddler language. That was when I was at my lowest.

I've found CBT immensely helpful, and luckily had NHS clinical psychotherapy - it was time limited, but has been consistently been better than when I've sought private help which has been hit and miss.

I really practiced scanning my body, and picking up on any discomfort, clothes to tight, feeling thirsty, scratchy throat - I was usually a very push through any discomfort person, so actually paying attention to what my body was saying helped.

I then used the CBT cross sectional model to see how my thoughts feelings and behaviour interelated, and it just helped me feel like I had a better understanding of what was happening to me.

Sitting with your feelings happened much latter (when I could actually recognise and name them!) - but it was a profound relief when I realised an emotion could pass through my body in around 20 seconds, and I could just feel it, rather than push it aside and try and carry on (40 years of learned behaviour).

Name changed as I've used this as an example before to real life friends and people I've discussed this with will definitely recognise me!

I think sitting with feelings and reframing your thoughts are two different things.

I'm a huge fan of reframing and here's my example.

I went to a spa day recently - one of those cheapos with mixed reviews so I wasn't expecting anything out of this world. I went there with a family member.

If we both reported back on the experience they would say this:

It was busy at reception when we arrived and I had to fill in one of those annoying checklists which took up valuable time. As two people arrived after me, instead of showing me right through I had to wait while they filled in their forms. Finally shown to the locker room where most of the doors were falling off and it seemed in a state of disrepair. Not enough chairs around the pool and the steam room was closed. Later a woman brought a young baby into the pool which destroyed my peace and quite. At lunch, the "afternoon tea" was just a scone and one pot of tea. I had to pay for another hot drink. The treatment was good but marred by the rest of the experience and I couldn't get it out of my mind to relax and enjoy the facial.

I would say this about the exact same experience:

The receptionist seemed busy when we arrived but dealt with me and later customers efficiently. I was impressed with her multi-tasking and was thankful that I'm not at work myself today doing the same sort of thing. Completed the standard checklist as expected on every spa day I've been on - didn't take too long as I'm so used to them. While some lockers didn't have doors on them, there were plenty free that did and I was glad to find one that was large enough to hold all my stuff. At first the only loungers were not free so I sat on an upright chair by the pool and took the time to think about my posture. Read some magazines and listened to my chill out music, again thinking how nice it was not to be in work. Later a Mum brought her young baby into the pool which was cute to see and as she was in a shallow section I could still do lengths of the pool. I later returned to my music and reading. For lunch, I enjoyed a delicious scone with jam and cream with a pot of tea. The portion felt fitting for a healthy spa day - especially with the treatment pending. I enjoyed it slowly while looking at the beautifully manicured grounds. Later I had a fantastic back and shoulder massage and left feeling pampered and luxurious.

If your counsellor is telling you to do stuff but not equipping you with the skills or knowledge to actually do it, then she is an absolutely rubbish counsellor.

You could read ‘ reframe your thoughts’. ‘Sit with your feelings’ in a meme for free.

@Ocymoroniclife i felt a bit like that, both are quite trite overused expressions. But tbf to her it was only my second session so hopefully she will expand on it a bit.

@ReframeFeelings thats really interesting - I used to be very much Person 2 but much more Person 1 these days, I’d like to get back to how I used to be.

I think in terms of 'honouring' my feelings.

I grew up in a house where other people's feelings were important, mine were not. 'Don't upset your mother'.

My job was to make other people happy.

So for me recognising I'm sad, cross, upset or cold is really important. Recognise it, say it's ok to feel that way, and see if there's a way to feel better about it- to fix it.

Stoicism is not something I need to do, now. If I'm cold, I can get a hot drink and find a wheat pack. I don't need to endure.

Sadness is ok- it doesn't mean I'm weak or needy. It's ok to cry if I need to. It's also ok to decide that friend A is making me sad a lot and perhaps I should spend less time with her. Then I will feel sad less often.

Memories of sad things are ok. I was scared and sad then. It was right to be scared and sad. I'm still sad but I'm safe now. I don't need to be scared.

That's how it works for me- you will have different feelings.

And when you read pears like this you realise that you are not the only person who feels this way, you're not some weirdo selfish ingrate - you're OK.

The old unhappy me says "Thanks" 🙏 ☺️

I am naturally more of person 1 so it takes time to try and make being person 2 your way of life. It's very difficult to be around a person 1 when you're wanting to be a person 2!

Lots of great advice on here. I'll add my tuppence!

There are two parts of the mind; the conscious, rational part which can solve problems, make plans and consider nuances, and the subconscious mind which is responsible for your emotions, imagination and creativity and is also where your memories, core beliefs and automatic thoughts and actions reside.

The two parts constantly work together. For example you are about to go out and the conscious mind is aware that it's raining. The subconscious reminds you that getting soaked in rain is unpleasant so you need a coat or an umbrella. Or you get a whiff of a particular scent, the subconscious will instantly rifle through your memory banks and take you back to that place (or that person) which you associate with that smell. All this happens without you being aware of the process.

'Sitting with your feelings' means allowing the conscious mind to examine the sensations, images and words (i.e. the thoughts) that have come to the fore due to a particular trigger and knowing that they are no longer a threat because you are no longer that person/in that situation.

'Reframing your thoughts' could be seen as looking at that triggering situation from another angle; from the perspective of a adult with the experience and knowledge you maybe didn't have at that time. It's especially useful with childhood memories because you didn't have the ability to step back and view the bigger picture.

These are such great posts—with the exception of miss “whats the point its rubbish” upthread.

If you don't understand something your therapist has said or suggested then it's on you to ask. I do that with mine. I trust her completely but sometimes I can't make concrete something she's said so I ask and she explains until I get it.

I have found a really good guided meditation which shows you how to sit with your feelings, if you want a bit more guidance rather than just doing it on your own. (Don't be put off by the fact it's called a meditation; it's really just a guided thinking and breathing exercise, you don't need to have meditated before to do it.)

If you search "Short RAIN meditation Jeff Warren" on YouTube it will come up. It is called Mindfulness of Emotions, and works in a very helpful and practical way. I always find I feel lighter and better afterwards! I really would urge anyone and everyone to give this exercise a go it really is very good.

@Higgeldypickeldy , did the therapist who used the ship captain analogy have quite an unusual name? I'm waiting with interest to see how it goes!

If this helps : When it comes to abusive or bullying people if it wasn't you they lashed out at it would have been someone else . It's them not you . You have to work out why you are attracting these people in the first place . There is a thin line between tolerance and abuse . Listen to your gut instinct.

@ReframeFeelings @SunshineonLeaves

I think sitting with feelings and reframing your thoughts are two different things.

I'm a huge fan of reframing and here's my example.

I went to a spa day recently - one of those cheapos with mixed reviews so I wasn't expecting anything out of this world. I went there with a family member.

If we both reported back on the experience they would say this:

Your post about reframing was interesting @ReframeFeelings but this is an illustration of why I said to @SunshineonLeaves that some people just fundamantally don't get on with CBT and reframing depending on your core character. I think it just doesn't work for people who are very logical and very analytical.

Many people would look at your examples @ReframeFeelings and say that in reality Person 2 is just deluding themselves. There is nothing wrong with having an experience and realistically accepting that it was shit and not fun.

It's not a criticism of anyone who can do this and it works for them, because if it does work for you it's brilliant andd I can see it would make you calmer and happier.

This is a prime example of what I mean

While some lockers didn't have doors on them, there were plenty free that did and I was glad to find one that was large enough to hold all my stuff.

Many people would say this is delusional. If you are going to a spa, lockers - more than one - with no doors on is serious disrepair and likely to be indicative of the general standards of hygeine and care with which the place is run. It also creates less of a calm and pleasant atmosphere. It's all very well to adopt the CBT line of great, lots are free and some have doors on and wow I got all my stuff in it. Equally, you may be better off in the long run saying actually I didn't think this was acceptable, I didn't like it and next time I'm going to find a spa that is more luxurious and better cared for.

This is an extreme example but illustrates what I was saying that this type of approach sometimes just will never work for some people because they don't have the type of personality to engage with it as they see it as essentially choosing to deceive yourself about reality.

TLDR: CBT and reframing may not work for you if it doesnt fit with your basic character and personality.

This- 100%. The counsellor should be coaching you on how to do this in real time. AND if you want to explore the past, they should explore the past with you. I'd ask for a change (if it's NHS you are allowed to ask for one change of therapist)

I agree.

Though I think quiet hobbies like fishing gardening painting are often considered good for mental health partly due to time for quite reflection and just be but enough stimulation you don't wallow.

I agree
Reframing feelings isn't descending into toxic positivity like the example of saying the spa is fine when it isn't.
Rather than moaning negatively it's reframing into -the spa wasn't acceptable so I have contacted the manager with my concerns.
Likewise in relationships it isn't hoping someone will change but deciding if you are willing to continue the relationship

Yes, reframing doesn't mean being Pollyanna. You do not have to make yourself always see things positively.

A little thing that can help is replacing 'but' with 'and'. 'But' can be judgemental or denigrating, whereas 'and' is neutral. Similarly, replacing 'should' with 'could'.

The soup was tasty but the carrots were undercooked. I should start cooking them
earlier. (Criticism.)

The soup was tasty and the carrots were undercooked. I could start cooking them earlier.
(Neutral statement.)

A Yoga teacher I know got into Yoga initially because it helped her deal with family trauma in her childhood.

Mind you- She is extremely disciplined and focussed, and says concentrating on one's body really helps the mind.

You can sit and meditate, sit and journal, sit and chant.