Did my mum handle my eating disorder badly?

[Teppamux]

My mum took my upstairs during my 15th birthday party (while all my friends where downstairs) to tell me she knew I'd been making myself sick and lost a lost of weight. I couldn't go back downstairs for the rest of the party because I was too upset

She then complained that she had made spaghetti bolognese for all my friends but I'd chosen to throw it all up

A couple days later I told her 'I'm not stupid mum' and she told me I was because I was making myself sick

This went on for years and I only managed to half recover from eating issues aged 27 or 28 (I'm 31 now) and still have massive issues

A few times I'd make myself a big plate of food and shed ask me what the point was, because 'you're just gonna throw it up after'. It would take me ages to decide whether to eat, and this would just throw me off completely. I wasn't necessarily gonna throw it up

I remember wearing a dress I felt really great in but asking her if I looked big and her telling me 'no but you're probably at a point where you don't wanna put any more weight on'. I wasn't overweight at all

I've tried to bring this stuff up with her before but she tells me that she had an eating disorder when younger too so she can't possibly have been insensitive because she understands. I don't think she understands at all. Whenever I've been at my slimmest is the only time she compliments me.

There are loads of other things, she eats v minimal and comments on portion sizes etc

I have a 2 year old now and I'm trying my best not to pass on any body/eating issues but I feel its so embedded into me to hate the way I look and feel negatively about myself.

I'm honestly confused as to whether this is a normal reaction to your child having an eating disorder because I always believed that I was the one making things hard between us but I think I should have been given some support. I feel my life has been made so difficult by my eating problems.

It’s normal to explore childhood and adolescent experiences because they are hugely formative. It can help break cycles of trauma, which could be key here as the OP is recognising they want to do things differently for their child. I just think that deserves support.

Tbf, I have plenty of context for my opinion as an adoptee who had an eating disorder, trauma and other mental health issues, so perhaps see it differently. I had to do a lot of considering what happened 20+y ago to finally become a happy and stable person.

I understand its hard to deal with and I know there's not a perfect way to deal with it all. I just can't imagine, as a person who's had eating issues, telling my child they need to lose weight etc. It seems crazy to me.

Thanks for all the lovely comments💐 I have recently started taking anti depressants which have helped a lot, and am on a waiting list for therapy. I have paid for private therapy a couple of times but always given up on it stupidly. I actually think family therapy would be great for my immediate family and have suggested it in the past but two family members have always shut the idea down.

You don't need a pamphlet to know this isn't how you deal with this situation unless you're the most emotionally stunted person around

I don’t know about ‘the most’, but it does sound like OP’s mother wasn’t particularly emotionally well equipped to deal with this better and I think that’s quite understandable. I’m the same age as OP and my mum has very similar ideas about weight and body image etc to her mum. That was completely culturally embedded for them when they were growing up and still is now to a large extent. OP’s mum absolutely sounds like she has her own eating disorder and she said as much to OP. Plus I would be absolutely tearing my hair out if I made spaghetti bolognese for my teenage daughter and her friends for her birthday and she deliberately vomited it up. Whatever ‘not complaining’ about that would look like, I don’t think it can be reasonably expected of the average parent, especially not as an adult with the benefit of hindsight and the knowledge that your parents are normal, fallible people.

you do need to Let it go op
dont dwell on it

People telling you to 'get over it' clearly have no understanding of how mental health works. Some things are very hard to get over.

She handled it terribly. Feeling hurt is understandable. I would go to therapy and talk about it.

I just think if my DD was vomiting her food, the least worrying thing about that would be the waste of food. I'd be more worried about what it said about her state of mind and would be concerned about her wellbeing. And that's is what I'd raise about it with her. I'd show concern. And I wouldn't do it in the middle.of her party.

She clearly handled it very badly then and now. I'm surprised you've forgiven her when she hasn't shown and contrition, only denial. My mother is the same so I avoid her as much as possible.