Crappy reply to text to socail worker?

[DyslexicPoster]

My son has a disability SW as he has complex needs. I am also trying not to have a nervous breakdown as my dd is on the verge of being expelled. She has a ehcp and ASD. Children with disabilities team (cwdt) have always been very frank they are only involved for ds. But if shit hits the fan with another sibling it effects me and therefore ability to cope with ds.

We have a new sw I have yet to meet. I have spoken to her on the phone and she said I talked to fast and asked if I has ASD. I have no diagnosis.

I had a meeting last week where dd school said its the end of the line for dd. So I said in a text, I can't cope, I seriously want to leave, I'm having a breakdown. The SW just replied 'see you Thursday'

That's cold no? Say I [method redacted by MNHQ], irl that would effect my disabled son no?

Yea that reply is cold. You can offer some empathy and basic kindness without being someone's support worker . It's also just politeness and good communication skills to reflect on and notice a very significant issue that's happening.

And no I suppose the CWDT don't have a responsibility for your daughter / you but I personally think it's pretty poor practice not to try and identify some alternate support given impact on family

I think asking you about ASD could be ok, but from what you say the context wasn't one of professional curiosity / trying to understand family history.

I'm sorry OP - this all sounds very hard.

Ask the SW about respite care to give you a break - that is part of their remit. Ask the school to liaise directly with the SW - that is a normal part of their work.

Seek support for yourself from send support - both for your son and for your daughter. Look for parent groups / parent carer support groups. Somewhere to have a rant and offload to a sympathetic audience🙂

Ask school for early help referral - they can also access additional support (at least in theory!)

And know it will get better ❤️

Is your daughter open to Social Services and if so under what plan (CHIN/CP)?

If not you can refer her in to the degree that you are worried about caring for her as you are not coping.

And although you say you were clear in your OP about the nature of the involvement with your son, its not clear if he is open because of concerns about your parenting, or if he is open because of seeking support/equipment etc about his complex needs. In some LAs those are two different issues

Not that it helps anyone, but the SW is also a human being and may have their own issues, like overwork, tiredness or problems with family. People don't have an unlimited supply of empathy and sometimes I think people could be a bit more empathetic themselves and recognise that others also have problems and not be upset by a shorter than ideal response.

None of them are child protection. None of the kids have ever been of any interest to child protection ever. I begged them to take us on 7 years ago because my son was strangling my dd. He was punching her in the head. So certainly no child protection as I had to complain to get a socail worker.

All the kids are CIN. That's standard as they are all disabled/ SEN.

I do keep thinking about asking for early help but then that's two socail care teams to juggle. No one talks to anyone else. I'm not arranging the socail workers contact with school. That's not not responsibility.

Hi op, I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling I only have one son with Sen but things have been pretty horrendous recently and I am also struggling to cope. He has been referred to cwd sw but I’ve no idea what they do and it doesn’t sound like they are particularly helpful. Why does your son have a sw and not your daughter? It seems like both have complex needs and you as their carer need more support.

Is there a carers centre nearby? Sorry am not much use, but I’m really sorry you’re struggling and you’ve reached out and got that response it’s shit and it’s not fair, from what I’ve seen recently there’s no money, no staff and no resources to support our kids never mind us, it’s scary and it’s shocking really.

Nope. If you are in a caring profession you show empathy or you get out. I have been a hospital consultant for almost 30 years. However, stressed, angry or busy I am I have always vowed never to be rude to a patient, colleague or relative. And I have succeeded. I also have very little tolerance for my colleagues in the health service for being rude to patients.

It is always possible to be civil and say a few kind words. And it is also important to be self-aware. This morning I was feeling very irritated by a patient, but I told myself that this was not professional and I needed to be nice and kind, which I was. if you are struggling with empathy, then it is time to take a break or change jobs. We have jobs to care for others, and if we cannot even muster a few words of sympathy for someone who has expressed that they are desperate, then it is time to have a look at yourself.

Is family or the father able to step in and help?

She would meet the threshold for CWD team now. You need to be pump fed or vented at night to reach threshold now. Unless there's a night care element she won't meet the threshold.

All cwd do is provide direct funding for respite in reality. They really don't help with anything else. I had a nightmare with moving my son to secondary and the old SW told to me to complain to the SEND team - who was in her office! I had to beg her to chase them up.

If it wasn't the fact that he will need adult socail care I wouldn't engage snymore.

@WillYouContribute I understand what you are saying and that's amazing that you can always do that, it obviously wouldn't be the profession for me! I just think there are so few people having to take on so many societal problems that I feel for those being in that position that may be dealing with their own issues.

The response was cold. They should have phoned you to talk things through definitely. I think you need to be clear with yourself and them though, what is it you want them to actually do? So if you need emotional support, say that, ask who you can get that from. Or if you need practical support/respite (ha!) increased short breaks or whatever it is, in order to cope, say that, ask for it, and if they cant provide it, challenge or find out who.can.

Unfortunately they are limited in what they can offer
I get it I have a disabled child too he also has very complex needs, and he had a social worker last year
Tbh it just stressed me out more and we didn't get much in the way of help.

This ~ I also work in mental health and I would expect more - if someone comes to you in distress the least you can do is acknowledge the issue and signpost them.

It doesn't take much to acknowledge we are having a hard time. If things go totally TU and my daughter gets excluded I'm going to be home educating and I said multiple times I not doing that. I'm just not. Would it kill her to say "I'm sorry to hear this. Shall we talk when I see you on Thursday?"

But she just completely ignored me. So why would I answer her the next time they do the scripted "how are you coping? How's your health condition?" I'm more inclined to talk to the wall. It comes across as tell me your personal stuff but I'm not interested. Fine, but don't ask then.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We're going to move this over to the mental health topic now.

The majority of these replies are bonkers. If you are your sons primary carer then the social worker is there to support you to care for him as his social worker.
Her reply was callous and in my team if I got a complaint about a social worker replying in this manner it would be addressed immediately.
She should have advised you about resources available and to go to your GP etc or tried to get you some respite for him so you could focus on your other child.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this OP. I hope you can push through this hard time and cope better soon.

I don't understand these replies. Of course the social worker must work with the family not just the child.

When I was under MH care, an issue entirely unrelated to why they were seeing me came to light and the MH nurse had a duty of care to talk to her manager.
Does it not work the same in SW?

I don't know how it works, if it works tbh. I complained about a agency SW ( this one is probably agency too) and as part of the investigation I was told a call I made should have triggered a urgent check up on me. But it trigger nothing, not even a reply to question I had called up about.

My eldest was at school and suicidal and again he and that was ignored. It's not joined up a weirdly making disclosures like a sibling talking about suicide isn't within scope. But if I disclosed that to sons school, they would be duty bound to take it seriously. The whole thing is a head fuck. I think I have told SC three times over the years I am at breaking point. It never triggers anything. But they normal at least acknowledge it.