I lost my temper with my therapist, now what?

[ExistingNotLiving]

This is going to be long so apologies for that.

Ok, so a bit of history - I'm 43 and live in Wales (I know that makes a difference with NHS options). I've lived with low mood, low self esteem and suicidal ideation near enough my whole life. I've also had severe anxiety and agoraphobia for the last 18 years. I'm pretty sure I have ADHD and potentially ASD too, both are present in my immediate family. I've asked for a referral but was told I would need to deal with the anxiety first.

In recent years I've developed various physical health issues which I've struggled to get help with because of my mental health - either because I can't access help because of agoraphobia, or because stuff gets brushed off as "just anxiety".

In the last two years my youngest dd, 20, who still lives with me, has also developed agoraphobia. She had to finish her college course from home and had to defer her university place until next year. I'm now facing the impossible task of trying help her recover when I haven't been able to help myself. I strongly suspect she has ASD but again we've hit a brick wall trying to get an assessment because of her anxiety.

About a year ago I hit a major low point and went to my GP to plead for some extra help. I was referred to secondary mental health who referred me back to primary mental health who offered me CBT or counselling with a long waiting list for both. I opted for counselling because I've had CBT in the past and while it helped in the short term it didn't help me to deal with any of the deeper issues which I've had since I was a child.

So five weeks ago I started my allotted eight weeks of "counselling". I use inverted commas because this was far more CBT than counselling. She talked far more than she listened and just went over the same old techniques I've been trying for years now - breathing exercises, challenging thoughts, setting manageable goals etc. Last week she lectured me for 15 minutes about diet and exercise. I do need to lose weight but that's not what I had been talking about - she completely changed the subject! I tried to stick with it and engage with the process but it's been frustrating.

Anyway, I went into yesterday's session feeling low and deflated. I'd had a bad week physically which had had a knock on effect on my mood and I'd struggled to complete the goal she had set me, although I had made some progress towards it. So I started the session with honesty saying that I was feeling low, I'd had a difficult week, explaining what had happened when she interrupted me and asked me if I was wasting my time, and hers, coming to counselling because I wasn't making progress. I'm ashamed to say that I saw red - I told her if she felt I was wasting her time then I'd leave and I ended the call.

Since then neither of us have attempted to make contact and I can't see how the sessions can continue. My mood has worsened and so have my suicidal thoughts. I've been physically unwell and I've hardly slept. I feel irrevocably broken and I don't think I have much fight left in me. I've asked for help from the NHS so many times and I've really tried to engage with everything but I always seem to end up back where I started, or worse, and I don't know where to turn anymore. I feel like giving up.

Sorry this was so long. If you made it this far, thanks for reading my ramblings. I know no one here can help, I just feel so lost and overwhelmed and I just needed to get my thoughts out.

That sounds really tough OP.

Coukd you afford private therapy (about £60 a session) as I don’t think you are going to get any real help from the NHS.

Complain to whoever employs her.

But don't hold your breath for a meaningful response

I am a therapist and this isn't ok on her part. Please complain.

Counselling isn't a regulated profession. Meaning there's a lot of confusion around training, qualifications, job title, pay etc
You might prefer psychoanalytic therapy, this is talk based therapy reflecting on your past and patterns of behaviour etc
You could request an integrative psychotherapist who is registered with UKCP or BACP.
Maybe this therapist was only CBT trained but if so the protocol is to offer 12 sessions, not 8.
Rupture and repair in relationships is a common theme in therapy. Your therapist should acknowledge your feelings of frustration and work with you to move past this.
Unfortunately it sounds like it's time for a different therapist,

Are there any charitable organisations in your area that offer reduced price counselling or therapy? In our area there are a couple where it's means tested but you can get low cost therapy. Maybe you need a different modality like IPT or compassion focused therapy. Don't dismiss the idea of group therapy either as that can be affordable and effective.

In any case the relationship with the therapist is the most important thing and it seems as though this one is not working out. I would have thought you would start by setting goals and having a shared understanding of what was planned so if you didn't it may have got off in the wrong foot. The NHS will put you back to the bottom of the waiting list though if you end these sessions which is why I suggest you check if there is anything else you can access via another route.

No because I’m not stupid. Are you okay?

Youve had an awful experience, how unprofessional of her. 💐

Can I ask which medication you’re taking for your anxiety? I’m diagnosed with GAD and I had to try a couple of different before finding one that suited me. Being on the right medication also helped me to make progress through counseling . You can see a way through more clearly when you’re not feeling so low and anxious, iyswim.

In private therapy: now nothing. I've lost my temper with my therapist dozens of times. It'll get talked to death next week.

NHS however I don't know as they are notoriously shit. I never even got as far as seeing anyone as apparently they don't work with suicidal people. Reading some of the threads on here however, I think I dodged a bullet.

Was this person a registered counsellor or were they a mental health worker offering an IAPT programme?
There's a world of difference.

Oh my goodness, I'm overwhelmed with the amount of supportive replies! I was expecting to get my arse handed to me.

There's too much for me to reply to everyone individually but I promise I have read every reply and there's been some great advice which I will take on board.

I managed to get a really good night's sleep last night and I am at least feeling a little calmer today

I think as a next step I will go back to the GP and insist on ADHD/ASD assessments for myself and my daughter. I know it will take a long time but we are both completely stuck at the moment and we can't carry on like this indefinitely.

I haven't decided yet whether to make a complaint or just leave it. I got a letter today saying "As we lost connection (...) I am sending you another appointment" which is for Monday at 9am. I'm sure she understands exactly why we "lost connection" and is just trying to cover her own arse. I'm not sure yet whether to go to the next appointment, but if I do it will be with a family member present and just to make it clear why I ended the call. I have no intention of continuing sessions with her.

Thanks again to everyone who has offered support and advice, I really do appreciate it and you have helped me a lot.

I'm glad you're feeling better. It might be more productive to attend the 9am appointment and calmly ask to move to a different therapist. You don't need to go into the details, just ask to be moved to someone else.

Yes, don't persist with someone who has failed to show you basic compassion. It's unsafe practice and you deserve so much more.

You can self-identify as ND and look after your needs accordingly. You are more likely to benefit from long term psychotherapy which the NHS won't be able to provide, even with a diagnosis. You might benefit from working with someone who has a solid understanding of trauma.