Panic attacks and anxiety in new university student

[ApplePieandCustardPlease]

Hi,
Not sure if anyone can help but my son (19) has just moved away (but close enough to come home if he needs to) to university. He immediately became subdued on arrival and was welling up. He has freshers week with a few induction things he needs to attend. His accommodation is disappointing and didn’t look like what was shown on the university website (we’d looked at other accommodation but not the one he got) and he isn’t gelling with his flatmates. He was so lost when I left him to come home.

He has suffered anxiety and panic attacks in the past at exam time (even for mocks) and his school allowed him extra time for his A-levels. He is a bright kid and got top grades without doing any revision. He is just naturally bright. He has had a gap year and has been working part time in a shop.

He has started having really bad panic attacks at the university. He came home yesterday but went back this morning. I had to go up there this afternoon as he had been in a right state and reached out to the well-being team at the university. They said he was really bad and has taken him out of all of the induction activities (and contacted his personal tutor).

He is doubting that university is for him and he has said he doesn’t want to stay on campus. Not sure if he will be able to commute if he needs to be in every day. He is doubting his decision to go university.

He has had bouts of anxiety over the last few years. He had a pain in his side for months that the GP eventually said was caused by anxiety.

I took him for something to eat after I’d chatted to the well-being lady and he had two further panic attacks in the cafe (off campus) and on the train. He doesn’t want to be left alone (his dad is sitting with him atm). His breathing becomes faster and he said his heart rate is fast and chest tight. You can see he is in an anxiety attack of some sort. I’ve told him not to worry. If he has to do something else with his life then we will deal with it. It is, however, a shame as he got great A-level grades and straight into a RG university.

I am worried he will be like this throughout life, no matter what he does. He is fine at other times - just seems to get extremely anxious around exams or major change, like this.

We are making a GP appointment tomorrow.

Has anyone had any experience with this in a teen? He first started this aged around 15. It’s almost like he gets overwhelmed and can’t cope.

I'm so sorry your son is going through this. I read your post and my heart ached as I know how he feels. I've been there.
I had my first panic attack around the age of 14/15 and it was related to school stress.
I 'managed' it fine and got myself through the first two years of university, when it came to my third year it all just became too much for me and I dropped out. In hindsight I should have asked my tutors for help but I'm 37 and back then there wasn't quite as much support as there is now for mental health issues. Although let's face it, support is still very much lacking!
Throughout life I've always managed my anxiety, sometimes it's been worse than others but I could go months and months with only stress rather than anxiety.
When I had my first child I had a traumatic birth and had PTSD and since then I have found my anxiety much harder to cope with.
Has your son ever had counselling or would he consider it? CBT might be a good one for him.
The GP will hopefully help as well.
In all honesty I would leave university for a year and bring him home and work on his mental health. Get him working for routine, some counselling, meditation, sports, whatever he would like to try, and look to go to uni next year if that's what he really wants.
It's full on going from school straight to uni, especially if school was sometimes anxiety inducing.
I'm finishing my degree off now at the grand old age of 37. I'm doing open uni- there are lots of young people on my course. Would this be something to consider?
I must say that I have never had panic attacks at work and I've done some really stressful jobs. I think university just wasn't for me and I couldn't even really explain why.
You sound like you care and are doing everything you can for him. That's what he needs. Tell him that university does not matter right now. His mental health is the most important thing. He is still so young.
Sorry I feel like I've ranted on here but I hope you understand!

That all sounds so difficult for him and for you.

Can he articulate if he would be happy to
have a go at commuting to the university? If he was going in 3 days a week say? Would that even be possible?

I had a complete nervous breakdown at the start of my second year at university and was completely unable to cope with living away from home / looking after myself. I had extreme anxiety and panic attacks. My parents had luckily moved to within commuting distance of my university so I commuted for about 18 months. It was much better for me and gave me the space to get better with support from my parents. My university (this was 12 years ago) were brilliant and arranged it so I only had to be on campus for 2 days a week.

Definitely get to the GP and see what they say - likely will be medication in the first instance.

@BobbyBleu
Glad you’re finishing your degree. Stories sound similar. It’s something that I never expected to see in my son as he’s usually outgoing and fairly sociable (although t t his is with friends he’s known for years).

He has already had a gap year so I feel he needs to do something with his life. I’m not sure university is for him. He has admitted he should’ve thought about it more before actually agreeing to go. I did have a feeling he wasn’t going to like it. Although he hasn’t started any lectures, he has instantly decided he doesn’t like living up there and with people he doesn’t know. The other students in his flat aren’t his type (his words).

We’ll see what the GP can offer but really hoping this is sorted soon - and I hadn’t expected it to return so I’m kicking myself for not seeing the GP earlier - as I’m afraid it’ll ruin his life chances. He’s a bright kid.

@cherryassam
Sorry to hear it happened to you too. In hindsight, yes, he’d have been better commuting. He definitely prefers the comforts and security of home. He also has a girlfriend at home so I believe she is also having an influence here (not that she’s stopping him going, he just misses her and has realised he won’t see her as often).

He could commute and mix this with staying two/three nights a week and we are waiting on his timetable to see if this is an option. He could then decide on commuting full time in his second year. I’m not sure, at this stage, if he is having a wobble over the being away from home or the course itself (as he was never 100% certain on it - civil engineering) or going to university at all. He’s having doubts about the whole thing and wondering if an apprenticeship is better! I think, although he is bright, he is lazy academically. He never really liked school work.

He has been on a gap year and has been working part time in a department store (where he met his girlfriend). The gap year was to help him make up his mind about his future (he had considered the RAF too) and save up a bit. I feel he has already lost a year and needs to be on the track to a career.

I commuted to and from university (similar distance) but by bus and it was tough going (almost 4 hours travel a day). I’d put the time on the bus to good use though and read notes etc. I was very determined to get my degree as it was a career I wanted to do since I was about 14. I got a car for my second year which got me there a lot quicker. He has a car but it’s a horrendous city to drive to/in plus there’s the added cost. Train is 30 minutes and he gets reduced travel so it is an option.

We’ll see what happens!

I'm also an outgoing and very sociable person. I loved meeting new people at uni. I loved my housemates. I loved the area. When I tell people I get panic attacks they are always really shocked.
It's far more common than you realise.

I don't know if you could have done anything sooner. It sounds like maybe uni isn't for him. Which is fine, it's not for everyone!
Maybe distance learning would be better like open uni or an apprenticeship.

I hope it goes ok with the doctor and they can help. If you can afford to pay for counselling privately I'd definitely recommend as the nhs waiting lists are long. Although that could be different in your area.

@ApplePieandCustardPlease Your ds sounds v similar to mine. I’m awake at 4.50am because he called me 3 hours ago to say he hadn’t slept - again after moving to uni in the weekend.
He’s a very clever, perceptive 19 yr old (also took a gap year as his MH was worse last year) suffering w major anxiety/ocd. Won’t medicate, but he has a mentor via DSA who is proving to be a godsend already. He’s already had therapy this year and it didn’t make much difference.
He’s a bit too far for us to go there and do quick visits but we can go up for the day and we may have to do this on Sat. He wouldn’t be able to commute, however so if he can’t cope it’s back home and looking at other options - job, apprenticeship or reapply for next year - we have plenty of unis within commutable distance. He does really want to stay but I think he may have a breakdown if he does.
I actually originally suggested he goes to a uni near home but he wanted to move out and be independent 🤷‍♀️ That hasn’t worked out.

My son wanted to move out and be independent. Reality hit when he walked through the door of his student accommodation. I definitely think, when kids have issues like this, they’d be better off going to university closer to home and committing in so they still have the familiarity and comforts of home. The university my son has got into is a Russell Group university and has an excellent reputation for engineering. It’s commutable depending on the timetable. If there was a day off and a couple of later starts (say 10 or 11am) I think he’d cope but if all lectures are 9am starts M-F he’d struggle. We are supposed to be getting his timetable today but I think they should have had the timetable out by now as kids like this need to know what they’re doing well in advance. The well being lady said she’d feed that back as she agreed.

We do have a university twenty minutes away (which is an easy drive) but it isn’t a well respected university and, tbh, a degree from there isn’t worth much. However, they do the course he wants and there is a high employability rate so it’s an option. I’d rather he didn’t go there though but it would make his life easier.

He will have two friends, from school, moving up this weekend and he will meet friends on his course but I think he will be dropping out (I can just tell the way he is).

A mentor sounds good. It may possibly help my son to go down that route.

We are at the GP this morning so we’ll see what he/she says.

We do have a university twenty minutes away (which is an easy drive) but it isn’t a well respected university and, tbh, a degree from there isn’t worth much. However, they do the course he wants and there is a high employability rate so it’s an option.

You're contradicting yourself. If there is a high employability rate then it sounds like a degree from there is worth a lot!

Why do people on MN get so hung up about RG?

Best wishes for your boy.

He has already had a gap year so I feel he needs to do something with his life. I’m not sure university is for him. He has admitted he should’ve thought about it more before actually agreeing to go.

If he took a gap year he is 19/20? He's still so young and it's likely he's going to be working for the next 50-60 years so taking some time now doing his gap year job or similar is not going to harm him.

The talks about him being at an RG university and the local one not being good (although having a high employment rate) makes me wonder if he's worried about letting you down? Does he feel under pressure? (Even if you haven't meant it?)

It's his life so he may not be suited to university and that's fine. Success shouldn't be measured on the university you went to or grades etc, it should be on happiness in your work and fulfilment in life.

30 mins on the train really isn’t far, and isn’t much further than the 20 minute drive to the local uni. If he can live at home or spend more time at home while keeping his flat in case needed for nights out/early starts then - if he can cope - maybe that is an option. Good luck at the GP this morning, I hope they are helpful.

I was like this at his age. It came out if no where and I really struggled. I ended up on anti depressants for about a year which stopped the panic attacks and allowed me to get control of my symptoms. I stayed at uni but came home most weekends. In hindsight I should have given up the course and reapplied to one so I could live at home. When I look back I wonder what was wrong with me but I think I’m quite an introverted person so I was always going to struggle at a new place. Once I’d finished my degree and got a job in my field I was so happy and life was suddenly amazing.
In terms of managing panic attacks I would say use Vicks vapour rub under your nose - this helps regulate breathing. Get a mindfulness app. Star jumps help - not in a cafe obviously.
Most importantly know the symptoms - know about fight or flight. And know that you can control this.
Tell him from me that this will pass. He will be able to tell the panic attacks to f**k off and get control of his life.
He needs to think past them and ask himself what he wants. What would he like to do.
I’m so sorry he and you are going through this.
University away from home isn’t for everyone. He just needs to do what makes him happy.

Sorry I realise that my comments about commuting distance could have sounded very dismissive of your DS’s difficulties. I totally understand that when everything is overwhelming and you’re struggling to cope 30 mins on the train is not at all easy. I was just surprised that you were considering a uni 20 mins away when his is only 10 mins further. Of course there could be a myriad of reasons why a 20 min drive could be easier for your DS to cope with.

My son is also at a great RG uni. We have a much lesser respected uni 10 mins on bus which does his course but it’s a bit of a ‘joke’ uni round here, no-one applies! There are others (in central
london) but he’d have to wait another year and he’ll be 20.
I just think essentially he feels alone there, although he does like his flatmates and they’re being very nice to him.
good luck at the doctor’s. I may advise him to go to a walk-in if I can locate one in his uni city. Sometimes they’re way out of the main area.

@ApplePieandCustardPlease whilst I understand your worries for your son, you are engaging in a lot of disaster thinking and I think it would be wise to try to calm everything down.

He's early days. He might settle. He can defer. He can commute a bit/stay a bit.

Too much pressure will make it harder. The panic might be partly intensified if you worry about his panic - this is not a criticism but if you can accept the panic is what it is for now, it will give more space for him to move forwards.

He has already had a gap year so I feel he needs to do something with his life Living life and getting well IS doing something with his life.

I’d rather he didn’t go there though but it would make his life easier. Pressuring thinking like this won't help your son.

I’m afraid it’ll ruin his life chances. Disaster thinking. He's very young.

I feel he has already lost a year and needs to be on the track to a career. Pressuring thinking. He is still young.

It is hard to do, but accepting where your son is, that he has to find his route through and your job is to help him work out what he wants - not what you want - is all you can do.

The commuting option sounds good.

Honestly this probably isn't something helpful to hear but this sounds exactly like me. I ended up dropping out after about 4 months, did an apprenticeship and to cut a long story short I've worked my way up over the past few years in a job in construction safety, I earn good money, love my job, it's flexible, my confidence has grown massively and my employers are now paying for me to do a degree level apprenticeship in my current role. All I'm trying to say is if university isn't for him then that's okay, it doesn't mean he won't thrive in a career. I honestly thought it was all over for me but it was the best decision I ever made.

We do have a university twenty minutes away (which is an easy drive) but it isn’t a well respected university and, tbh, a degree from there isn’t worth much. However, they do the course he wants and there is a high employability rate so it’s an option. I’d rather he didn’t go there though but it would make his life easier

There you have a perfectly viable solution, if you got over your unjustified prejudice against non-RG universities. High employability says they’re doing a lot right.

This is not going to ruin his life chances!!

I dropped out at his age and promise uou that people's reactions to it were way more damaging.

Some antidepressants are fantastic for anxiety and panic. I hope the gp is helpful.

I feel so much for you and your son. It's really good that he is opening up to you though.
I agree with other posters who are urging you not to get too worried about him wasting time. There are plenty of Uni students who are a bit older.

My son is similar, but his anxiety causes him to throw up, rather than have panic attacks.

He's had it since year 7 when he started high school although for the first few years it was very mild and it took us ages to realise it was anxiety and not tummy bugs, but it got worse as he got older and is triggered by new beginnings and having to go and do things in unfamiliar places.

The CAMHS wait list was too long so he's had session with a private psychologist and also a hypnotherapist. It hasn't "cured" him but it has made it possible him to stop catastrophising and to separate himself from the vomiting and know that it will go away in time.

He's also having a tough start at university. Like your son, his flatmates are not his kind of people and he's been really disappointed about that, but despite the vomiting, he's trying really hard to get out and meet people and that will be easier when his course starts next week.

It's really hard to stand by and watch them suffering, but with this kind of anxiety I think it's really important to try and encourage them to face the fear and do it anyway, otherwise you are just reinforcing the anxiety and they will take it into adulthood.

It may be that university in general, or that one in particular, isn't for him but I think it's far too early to say that yet.

You need to find some steps to take that are not too overwhelming but help him move forward and feel like he has some control. I'd speak to the accommodation office to see if there is the possibility of him moving rooms (most unis look at this in mid-October), in the meantime I'd suggest he stays at uni and doesn't come home for the next two weeks and if things haven't settled then, he can either commute full time or have a hybrid arrangement, depending on his timetable.

Is there a mentor or someone who can spend time with him and get him out on campus? Or put him in touch with some sympathetic from his course who he could spend a bit of time with?

Might also be worth him going to GP to get some beta blockers.

Remember if he drops out it could be counted as a year of student funding. I think dropping out for health reasons (make sure there’s evidence) makes a difference.

Having said that I agree with pp don’t panic just yet. It is salvageable. In small steps. It is great he has accessed uni support. My dd did the same and they were excellent.

His friends moving there should make a difference too. Let him know it’s ok to feel anxious about transition stages. And it will get easier. He can try the lectures, a routine might help. My dd lectures were recorded so accessible later. Speak to his department too about his timetable. They will help.

Agree with pp about option of commuting and staying over when he feels like. Accommodation all paid for this term anyway.

He is young. And he doesn’t need to get on the treadmill yet. But I do think uni could offer good support which is better than what the outside world can offer.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Supplements that helped my dc are CBD oil and Gaba. I hesitate to say it in case I jinx myself but we don’t see any signs of it anymore. I would take him out of university until he recovers. Look at it like an illness. He can always study online or at night.

Sadly your DS is not the only one. Most univesities have good support for students with serious anxiety issues if he will take that step to reach out for it. It's good that he is seeing his GP. Also try and persuade him to contact student support/counselling at his university, they will be running extra sessions for new students, and join in mental health and wellbeing activities. Every university is set up a bit differently for this but they all offer support to students with MH issues and anxiety, and they all have information on their websites and student apps.

I wouldn't jump straight to switching universities as a solution. There may not be a perfect setup. If the present university really doesn't work out then it could be a very good strategy to change to a local university maybe for next year but it's still very early days at this one. Finding support where he is now and pushing on a bit longer could be better for him, give him time to settle in and centre himself, and give him more agency rather than just saying "I made a mistake" and giving up immediately.

It's hard for all of you!

Can he transfer to the local university after a set time?

I developed anxiety as a student. It was very hard as this was abroad and there was no support at all. I was too ashamed to tell anyone as you didn’t back then and I basically somehow got through it

i am glad I didn’t drop out.

with support your son could find a way through. Try student counselling first.

ps don’t catastrophise for life. Many many people live wonderful lives and manage their anxiety

He’s been out on beta blockers and is in discussions with the university about switching courses so he can come home and commute, or stay over a few nights.