Overwhelming fear of loss/death anxiety...

[Naetha]

Hi guys, don't really know where to start with this, but I feel my anxiety is taking over my life.

I have always (or at least in the last few years) had anxiety over fear of loss and death. I will not be able to relax unless DH calls/emails me in the morning to let me know he's got to work safely. For every 5 minutes after the time he usually gets home on an evening my anxiety ramps up another level - after 15 minutes I have to call his work to find out what time he left. A couple of times I've com this > < close to calling the police to see if there's been any accidents.

We have three cats and I love them like children, however when they go out I panic if I haven't seen them for more than an hour. I regularly get myself into a panic at the thought of someone poisoning them, or them getting run over / shut in somewhere / attacked by a dog to the extent that I don't let them out, or call them all in and shut the door even on nice days where I know they'd rather be out.

All this has been going on for ages, but 7 weeks ago I gave birth to DS, and my anxiety has ramped up. I am terrified of SIDS to the extent that I'm preoccupied with it. I'll look up all the information I can on the internet and get myself into a right state about it. Obviously I check DS all the time when he's asleep, and generally have him asleep in the room with me during the day, because otherwise I'd be running up and down stairs all day to check he's still breathing. Most of the time I let him sleep in my arms rather than his moses basket so I can keep a constant eye on him. At night I will wake up and listen for breathing every hour or so, and get up if I can't hear anything. Last night I terrified myself by leaping out of bed (I woke DH up who would sleep through an earthquake) because we'd both slept for three and a half hours and I was convinced he was dead - it took all my control to not shake him awake and just check his breathing. I couldn't get back to sleep and lay there for another hour until he woke naturally for his feed.

Obviously as he sleeps longer and longer (which most parents would look forwards to) my anxiety gets more and more. Also he will have outgrown his moses basket in another couple of weeks and I'm in a quandary about what to do - do I put him in his cot in the next door room or buy a larger crib for our room? Chances are I'll end up sleeping on the floor in his room. There's no way we can fit his cot in our bedroom.

I've also (and apologies for this sounding really stupid) been pre-occupied about my thoughts affecting him in a completely illogical way. For two weeks after he was born I couldn't get the song "I hope you die" by the Bloodhound Gang (a silly song - not some serious death metal or anything) out of my head, and was in tears thinking that if he did die that I would have caused it. I just can't stop thoughts of his death popping into my head and thinking that I will cause something to go wrong just by thinking about it.

Sorry I've blathered on for far too long here - I wouldn't have considered myself as having PND, but DH thinks that my anxiety has got much worse since I got pregnant (was terrified all along about miscarriage then stillbirth / complications) and I agree with him that it's affecting my day to day life, and I also don't want him to pick up on my anxiety. The only time I'm every truly relaxed is when all my babies (DH, DS and three cats) are in the room with me.

Essentially what I'm asking is should I mention this to my GP and try and get it sorted? I know every mother has irrational fears for the safety of her child but I feel mine are stupid and overwhelming. I don't want to be dismissed for being a time-waster (another of my anxieties). Realistically is there anything they can do to help me, or will they just tell me to stop worrying and get a life? (which is what I really need to do!).

Sorry for such a long post - it feels much better to have talked about it!

Naetha it's spooky reading what you've said as much of it is word for word what i've said/thought in the past. i too am quite a risk taker when i'm in charge, only fearful of the stuff i can't do anything about. You're a step ahead of me though because i wouldn't have been able to write the things down in case I gave them power... Now i know that exposing your irrationalities is the best thing you can do, so carry on! A MAJOR triumph early on in my treatment was that one day i walked past a magpie and shouted OH SOD OFF and laughed out load. I felt so light....

as for the mirena coil - i got mine at the same time in my life as you. because one of my phobias was/is pregnancy. it's been fine... but i've put on about 2 stone. of course we don't know if that's because i've started digesting my food instead of going to the loo every 5 minutes with fear! or if i can blame the coil. there are lots of threads about it on here...

luvaduck thank you so much for that link. it has explained so much to me, so clearly. Naetha good luck - there's so much brilliant advice here. i could have saved myself YEARS of awfulness if i'd spoken up sooner, like you have!

Well I mentioned it to my GP and she didn't seem to think it was much to worry about, which was a little frustrating to tell the truth.

In a way I feel I shot myself in the foot as I was feeling very cheerful this afternoon. I'd just met up with a friend I hadn't seen for three years and had our first trip into town on public transport so I was feeling very upbeat. Also because I'd been so busy I hadn't had a chance to let my mind wander (although last night I lay awake for about an hour at 3am trying to work out all the intricacies of our trip into town) so I hadn't had any intrusive thoughts.

Also ironically, the thought that I was hopefully going to get some kind of treatment (preferably counselling) had lowered my anxiety a lot. Obviously this has risen since my GP visit .

She put my anxieties down to typical "new mum" worries and said to leave it for 6-8 weeks and see if it still bothered me. I can see her point of view (especially from a cash-strapped-NHS point of view), but it is frustrating nonetheless. I guess I just wait it out and see how it goes - it's not like I'm going to do anything stupid / harmful, but I find it all quite exhausting. I just need to keep myself occupied and try not to think so much!

It was really good to meet up with my friend as well - we met at school 20 years ago and was nice to see how well we still got on even though we'd only seen eachother once in 7 years. She made me realise that actually I'm doing really well being as sane as I am given the upbringing I had (crap mother who constantly let me down, psychotic / neurotic stepmum, brother died when I was 13 etc).

Going to spend the next few weeks putting a few things I've been reading (thanks for the links!) into practice, and trying to keep my mind occupied. If things haven't improved, then I'll bring it up again with the GP and push harder.

Thanks again for all your support - hugs to you all

hi naetha

i feel very cross reading your last post, i think you've been let down by your gp.

i am a GP(on maternity leave) and if you came to see me with the sory in your OP, i would take you very seriously, refer for CBT or at the very least counselling. i would want to see you again in a week or so, make sure you weren't depressed (did she ask about this or do an edinburgh score?) and talk to your health visitor. from your first post itis obvious it is taking over your life, and stopping you enjoying the new baby. there is help available and it will get better.

can you see a different GP? can you print out the first post and give it to them so they can see how much it is affecting you?

if there is anything i can do to help (eg write to your gp) then let me know

don't give up! there are lots of people with your symptoms but you don't have to put up with them

sorry about the lack of capitals too late to correct it all, should be asleep!

Hi Naetha,

I can sort of relate to your fear of SIDS. When my daughter was born that was the one fear I had. I too insisted that she slept in the same room as me during the day and at night I would wake three or four times and put my hand on her chest just to check it was moving. She is 11 months now and in her own room. I sleep with the baby monitor on its highest sensitive setting just so that I can hear her breathing if I wake in the night. And if I can't, then guess what..I get up and check her. I have spoken to my Health Visitor about this and she says that it is perfectly normal. Friends of mine do this too and I wouldn't say that I am an anxious person or suffering from depression. It's all about control and wanting to protect your child. When you are sleeping you aren't in control and obviously not watching over your child. I think that as parents we will always have something to worry about. God help us when they are teenagers! Hope your GP helps you and I hope you realise that you are not alone.