How to help 22 year old DS?

[LactoseTest]

DS is currently on a leave of absence from uni, having done 2 years of a 3 year degree. He dropped out after the autumn term in his final year because he said he wasn’t sleeping and there was unable to study effectively.

To be honest, he has had problems getting to sleep for a long time. Probably since starting secondary school. He is unable to get to sleep until about 4am in the morning and is therefore tired and not functioning well the next day. We paid for him to be seen at a sleep clinic. They established he did not have sleep Apnoea and advised on good sleep hygiene. However, the consultation did not lead to any improvements in sleep. DS buys Melatonin online but this doesn't seem to help much either.

I have long suspected that he might be suffering from inattentive Attention Deficit Disorder. Since hitting secondary school, poor organisation has been a massive issue for DS. Teachers repeatedly commented on his poor organisation over the years: not having the right books for the lesson, forgetting to do homework etc etc. I now regret not asking school to look into this further. DS pretty much sailed under the radar at school as he is smart and wasn’t badly behaved in lessons He has other issues which could be indicators of being on the neurodiversity spectrum. For example, restricted diet, hyperfocus on areas of interest (video gaming), lack of facial expression, social anxiety/difficulties with social interaction.

The problem at the moment is that every day he seems to think that he has a new medical problem. He has complained about pain in back, and tightness in throat. He now believes his body cannot tolerate lactose or Calcium, so the range of food he is willing to eat has reduced even more. There are so many other things he thinks are wrong with him (too many to list). He has repeatedly booked medical appointments with the GP, has spent hours waiting to be seen in A & E and has booked many appointments to see private physios. One day, I looked out of the window and an ambulance arrived (called by 111 after one of DS’s calls). Of course they did not find anything wrong with him and felt his throat was probably tight due to stress.

The problem is I’m not quite sure what help to get for my son. He is convinced that he is suffering from multiple health problems. I believe that his problem is with his mental health and not his physical health. He thinks that I am being unhelpful by not believing that he has real health issues.

I have encouraged him to get a job, which I feel will take his mind off constantly worrying over his health. He has just started a part time job in retail, which I hope will help. Better than wafting round the house doing very little.

He is due to start his final year of his university degree in October and I am hoping that he will be ok to go back.

Has anyone experienced anything like this and how did you tackle it? Any ideas would be great. Sorry this is long.

DSA might cover a Mentor to help him with study skills and dealing with things like procrastination. It's usually an hour a week whilst they're at Uni.

Does he understand that Dyslexia & Dyspraxia are often associated with ASD?

That is very interesting to hear. I might try and encourage DS to ask GP about anti anxiety medication. I haven't been able to pursuade him to have an assessment for ADD.

I might speak to him about a mentor when he goes back to uni as that could be very useful to keep him on track. Procrastination and low motivation are big problems for him. I will mention it to him tomorrow. Thanks for the idea!

He clearly has health anxiety. CBT can help with that. But perhaps he has some broader issues with stress and depression. Depression can make it hard to sleep. What is actually wrong with him, has he said? Is he isolated or lonely, or been dumped, or stress from studying, or bullying, or some other trigger?

I was going to say the same OP. For dyslexia/ dyspraxia DSA can fund study skills tuition which can help with organisation, writing skills etc.

Procrastination and low motivation are big problems for him.

That'll be the ADHD. Frustrating for you though if he won't consider it. Like I said I gave my DS the article to read on inattentive ADHD that I linked earlier and he saw himself in those symptoms straightaway.

I think me and DH probably have both ADHD and ASD. I'm thinking of getting a diagnosis however DH won't entertain the idea that he may be ND at all, even though he suffers with a lot of things your DS does like not being able to get to sleep, procrastination and anxiety.

What DS thinks is wrong with him is a painful back, intolerance to lactose and pelvic pain. I think that the problems are probably health anxiety rather than physical. He doesn't have any limitations to movement which I would expect to see if he had back or pelvic problems. His health anxiety probably may have stemmed from isolation and having nothing to do while he is on a leave of absence from uni. He was trying to get bar work for 4 months and didn't manage to get a job. I eventually helped him with job applications on Indeed and he has just started a retail job.
Not sure he is that keen on the job, but at least it is a structure and gives social contact and money.
I think he is depressed but his problems with falling asleep preceeded him being low in mood. He has had problems getting off to sleep since the start of year 7.

It's interesting that when you look at problems your children might be having and realise that you also have similar issues. I feel quite sure I have inattentive ADD myself and think that my DS may have inhereted it from me. I haven't saught a diagnosis but may do one day.

I will look into this for sure. I'm not sure how to find a mentor but I can contact student services to ask. I think I will do that after the bank holiday!

I will look into this for sure. I'm not sure how to find a mentor but I can contact student services to ask. I think I will do that after the bank holiday

We've just been through it with DS. You apply for DSA. He had an assessment by Zoom. At the end they offered him several things, one of which is a Mentor for an hour a week. He was offered either virtual or in person. DS's will apparently have an appreciation of the struggles that people with ADHD may experience.

What DS thinks is wrong with him is a painful back, intolerance to lactose and pelvic pain.

Has he tried going completely DF? Like I said earlier, he's much more likely to have CMPA than Lactose Intolerance and going DF might get rid of a lot of his symptoms anyway.

He is currently avoiding dairy completely. He thinks it is helping. Don't know whether he is going to do it long term or just a trial period though.

Thank you for this information. That is very interesting. DS wasn't initially enthusiastic about the possibility of a mentor but has agreed to consider it further.

It's interesting that when you look at problems your children might be having and realise that you also have similar issues.

absolutely! I've just gone through the assessment process for DD and this involved a long session answering questions about her. An awful lot of the questions made me think "I do that..."

Is he smoking weed? Alot of people try and 'self medicate' with it and completely bury their head in the sand about how destructive it is to mental health, sleep and eating patterns. I've noticed a lot of people who smoke weed can get a bit too deep into Internet conspiracy theories (the thing over the calcium intake sounds like something he's watched a YouTube video on at 2am stoned). Whatever the issues are I hope he gets it sorted but try and establish whether any drugs &/or excessive alcohol are involved.

Pretty sure he is not taking any drugs or alcohol. He is living at home whilst waiting to start final year of uni in September. I haven't noticed anything suggesting use of drugs or alcohol.
I am hoping that now he has got a job, he will be distracted from all of his health anxieties.

Thank God for that, and with all this going on it does sound like he is safer at home for now. A new job will give him plenty to focus on.

I don’t know what your family work situation is, but do you have an EAP (employee assistance programme) that you can access via your employer? They often extend to family. I’m generalising based on my own experience, but they can often offer a course of free counselling sessions with a counsellor of your son’s choice, that might help. Good luck to you both.

Yes he probably has hypermobility. You can sometimes spot where it is effecting the back by walking behind someone and checking out their alignment of ankle joint over heel, knee over ankle, hip wiggle as you walk. Also look for uneven wear on the back of the shoes. Also poor core strength by spotting a curved Tummy that looks like a happy Buddha. This in particular causes back pain.

No you won't necessarily see anything physically "wrong". It also fits if he has been doing weights without enough work on core postural strength and positioning. He will be more likely to injure himself. As remember when I was a child being told walking couldn't hurt because there was nothing wrong with me and nothing their to hurt. Only when it came to my kids I know better. Hypermobility often goes hand to hand with dyspraxia as the poor ligaments give less proprioceptive feedback.

He needs to do pilates regularly. Ideally to start in a small specialist class with a good teach who checks you are doing it right, as opposed to a gym. He might also benefit from tai chi, although a group class at a gym is fine for that. Tai chi is good for proprioception and calming.

Re the ADHD has he done the basics:
cutting out sugar and caffeine,
Removing tic tok from his phone and avoiding Facebook shorts
Listening to sleep sounds to sleep (and trying different kinds, I prefer sonambulant music DD prefers rain/storm sounds)
Yy to Weighted blanket
Chewing gum when he wants to concentrate
Also Hoodies, headphones or noise cancelling headphones

Yy to weed being diabolical bad for ADHD. Worse because it makes you feel like it's helping whilst making the situation epically worse in the long term

DS is in a similar position, in that, he has taken a leave of absence from his final year, come home for support and counselling, with a view to starting at uni again in September.
He doesn't have lots of physical health issues though - lost his learning mojo, spiralled into depression and got into the 'still awake at 4am' pattern. DS has now taken on a full time job which has at least sorted his sleep pattern out as he now has a regular midnight bedtime routine to get enough sleep to do the job. Would going full time help your DS do you think?

So may great suggestions and good advice. Thank you all. DS has decided he will apply for DSA in order to try and get a mentor for the coming academic year.
I have just started a job with the council, so can l ask if there is an employee assistance programme.
DS hasn't been diagnosed with hypermobility. It is something to hear in mind though.
Pilates could be good. I will suggest it.
Thank all for the helpful suggestions.

@Gardengirl108 You are an absolute genius! I have just started work with the local council in my area. As part of the package of looking after employees, they offer 8 free counselling sessions to any of the members of an employee's family unit. My son is delighted with this. Thanks again for the advice about the employee assistance programme.😀

One thing that is currently really helping is that they keep giving DS extra shifts at work. This is keeping him busy and distracting him from focussing on health concerns. There is nothing like a bit of occupational therapy!

That's great news and I'm pleased that he's getting extra shifts too.

More money and a bit of distraction and physical exercise should all help