CBT / therapy - what are your experiences?

[hanrhdjendjd]

Hi,

Long story short -

I am somebody with very good mental
Health usually and have never required therapy previously. I used to be head strong and know my own mind....

2 years ago I made a decision to relocate with my family which I wasn't totally okay with at the time but it seemed to make sense at the time for everyone but me . It was my choice to make it and I followed it through thinking and hoping I would be fine with it long term- I would just manage. It was in the best interest of my family and I did that thing where I put on everyone else's life jackets before my own. I thought it everyone else was good then I would be too. Well, I'm not fine with it and it's eating me alive every day. I miss home , I miss our old routines and the life we had before.

Moving back is not an easy option due to the expense and stress. If we did decide to move back it would be at least a year away ...meanwhile I have to live happily and not torment myself daily

Would cbt work in your opinion? Or other therapy? Or is this a situation in my own making and I just have to somehow deal with this?

I need to find a fresh perspective as people have a lot worse to deal with in life and I am very lucky and fortunate

I think that one of the problems you have is that you are attributing all your problems to the move, when in fact they are similar to any other problems that could happen anywhere to most people - e.g. anxiety about school choices and about children having friends.

Could your Mum come on the train and you pick her up from the station if she does not like driving? I am mother to AC and this is what I do with one DD who lives a distance away and I can't be bothered to drive.

But also, as a mother of AC I do not expect them to live near me - I want them to do what is right for their families - I absolutely would not want them to feel guilty for doing that! - as you are doing.

What has happened is that you had some doubts and concerns about the move to start with and everything that goes wrong now is pinned on that, which leaves you the "let-out" to say this would not have happened if we had not moved - but I am willing to bet that lots of the negative things would anyway - life is full of them and we have to adapt and accept this.

Looking back does not help. And I do think you are wise to look at ways you can persuade yourself to look forward.

CBT for Dummies is fine - worth a look I think. Good luck.

Hi OP,

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Now you've explained, point by point, what you're struggling with I think there's a chance CBT may help you. The words that keep coming up over and over again with you 'anxiety' and 'guilt' and CBT may be able to help with both these things.

I've had CBT and so has one of my kids. We had different therapists but I can see how the therapy overlapped.

I was treated for health anxiety. The therapist helped to be 'in the moment' so I could control racing thoughts as best as I could - stuff I was worried about but, now I'm 7 years away from that moment in time, never happened. I was also given help in changing an impulse I had to google the hell out of a particular medical condition which I thought would wipe out me and my family.

My kid suffered from social anxiety / judgement and his therapy consisted more of 'exposure therapy' so he was encouraged to go back into social situations gradually. He was also shown techniques to head off the panic attacks he was having.

Both of us found the therapy very practical. I would say it worked better for my kid than me but I did find speaking to a therapist every week a real relief because I didn't want to offload onto friends or family.

Ultimately you may have made a great choice for your daughter in terms of her school and she may make friends really easily. What's happening at the moment is that you're in a negative thought spiral (forgive me for saying this, I know it's a shitty thing to say to somebody) but the stuff you're anxious about may never happen. So yes, CBT could help. A therapist may also help you explore practical options eg figure out ways to help your mum more eg does she have to drive? Can she get the train etc. It may be that she gets used to the drive and it isn't so much of a problem for her. There may be ways you can figure out how your daughter can make friends with some of her classmates before she starts school or even just speak to her form tutor so you're reassured measure are put in place for kids to make friends. I think there are many different strands to CBT and it's about working out how and what will help you.

A book that I've found helpful is 'Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before' by Dr Julia Smith. I don't think it's anywhere near as thorough as going to a decent therapist though but it's a starting point.

Ultimately though, in my case, the therapy that has worked best for me is psychotherapy. It's tough. It digs deeply into your past to inform your present and it's nothing like CBT which just stays at the surface. It actually gave me the reason why I sometimes get health anxiety.

Agree with this.

It fucked me up even more to be honest.

I had ten free sessions of excellent CBT on the NHS and have been offered another ten if required. Only short wait. Couldn’t believe this was available to me. Had fab therapist and clicked at first meeting. Have never had therapy before.

For me it was highly effective, practical and has given me many new tools to challenge my ways if thinking and reframe many things that were causing anxiety, insomnia, illness.

I really value the practical approach and think it might well be useful OP for looking at some if your situations and helping you find solutions and ways to live more positively in your current situation. It was hard work with lots if reading and conscious application, but I can feel that my thinking has changed in some areas and become more automatic if that makes sense.

i really hope you find support that helps you. Good luck.

@Mischance

Your way with words is really helpful and you are so right in everything you are saying.

When we decided to relocate we were making the decision for us as a family unit or 3- it wasn't one we made lightly and we discussed and discussed it. I wasn't totally sure about it but came to terms with it as I believed, for reasons I won't bang on about , that it was right for us . My mum was incredibly upset and told me I was following my husband and made me feel like I was just following along blindly and stupidly . I don't like to say that this was the cause of my troubles because I did have my own personal doubts at the time which I reasoned with , but I do wonder whether her initial input has affected my inability to make a decision now. It's like I question every decision I make. Eg the school - I honestly couldn't make my mind up which one to put as first choice and now I've had to make the decision I'm still questioning it.

I worry about my mum . I'm an only child - as is she. My only family is my mum and grandma and I'm now 1 hour away from them. I made the decision to put my husband and daughter first . I sometimes feel like an awful person for doing that.

An hour is really very close indeed these days, especially with so many other ways of keeping in touch. My more distant DD and I whatsapp all the time, video call, and we play scrabble on our phones - she usually wins! Would your Mum be OK with doing these sort of things. We have conversations all the time on whatsapp - several times a day and I send pics of what I have been doing and she does the same - I don't feel at all separated from her. She feels very close.

The fact that your Mum got so upset when she knew you were moving is to be absolutely honest a bit OTT. You really are not so far away, and it is sad her reaction has set up a sense of guilt for something that you really do not need to feel guilty about. You have done nothing wrong at all. Does your Mum still refer to the fact that she is upset that you have moved? If so, this could be one of the underlying causes for your current sadness. She has found it hard to let you go, and that causes you pain. Does she have any social life and friends to go places with?

If your Mum's reaction is behind you questioning the move and from there questioning every other decision you make, that is a great pity. Something to move on from I think. I am sure that is possible.

I am sure that when yours fly the nest and move away you will feel happy for their new start and set up ways of staying in contact.

@Mischance

My mum is not upset any more - or atleast not to my face anyway and I do hope that is the truth. I worry about what goes on in her mind and how much the drive actually bothers her , or the inconvenience and expense of a train trip over (which is straight through and is only 40mins on train) she is going through the menopause and is working full time and checks in on my elderly grandmother. the guilt of putting this on her to come and visit her only daughter and only grandchild sits heavy on my chest . So much so that when I think about it now I feel like I've had to chose between my mum and my husband and because I chose my husband that makes me feel a sense of weakness and stupidity . It might be worth mentioning here that I didn't have a father figure growing up and my mum was very independent and head strong. Now I have my own daughter , I can feel her reflecting on how she bought me up and because our family circumstances are different, the decisions she made for me are different to the ones I am making for my daughter bevayse i have my husband and his income (which is greater than mine) in the mix too. But me being an only child , I was her whole life . I feel a sense of betrayal to my mum.

We do chat regularly and I come back regularly too. She has a network of work friends and a long term partner (who tbh is not much use but that's another story!!)

It's really helping talking to you!
My worries and concerns all seem to create a black wall in front of my eyes and I can't see past it some days. When I'm having a good day or I've got my head into a better space , it's like there's a window of light created in that black wall and I can remember who I was before all of this and I remember how I felt content. The black wall comes back though and then I forget the contented feeling. I want to get rid of the black wall entirely and just be me again

Been ill - just wondering how you are doing OP.

@Mischance

Thank you for checking in again and sorry to hear you've been poorly. I hope you're on the mend now :)

I'm alright. I had a really good day on Saturday - I had all my mum friends and their children from "home" over for my DDs birthday party. I was as high as a kite with happiness and joy entertaining and seeing how happy my Dd was. Unfortunately I've been on a downer again today as I miss them!! It really pees me off that I'm like this!!

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I wanted to add something, as the only therapy options that have been mentioned are CBT and psychoanalysis. There are plenty more, and it might be really helpful to talk to someone outside your family, who can help you make links, explore what is happening for you. If you are already spending a lot of time thinking about things, CBT might not be the right thing for you.

@cloudglazer

Thank you for your comment. I honestly have no idea what options are out there or even which ones would help. I am very afraid of making things worse too so I wouldn't want to start delving into something and it just makes it all the worse as I'm thinking about it more ?! Is that a thing ? Can that happen?

Often, counselling can make things feel worse initially, whatever type of counselling it is. However if you find a counsellor you can connect with, then they will be able to support you, so it doesn't feel so overwhelming all the time. Working through a book on your own wouldn't give you that support.
If you have a look on the BACP therapist directory, you'll find lots of therapists. Pick one who you warm to, as establishing a connection with your therapist is one of the most important things to make it successful.
I hth

CBT through First Steps made me feel worse. The comment re self gaslighting is very accurate in my experience - it's very 'it's because you do this and you should do that instead' as opposed to actually forming an understanding.

I did however seek advice privately in psychotherapy with a particular focus on transactional analysis and it's honestly changed my life. I'm not being 'diagnosed' I'm opening up, having someone discuss my open-ness with me, allowing me to unpick, understand and resolve in my own time and my own lightbulb moment through careful questioning. So much so, I'm hoping for a career in psychotherapy, so I can change the lives of others.

I was in a really bad place before I sought help and the fact you're even suggesting seeking it is a really big first step. You can learn a lot about how you regulate your emotions and how you can begin to deal with your current situation. For me certainly I have learnt to live life for me, not in a selfish way, but just by ensuring I don't live my life for everyone else but me. This isn't going to resolve overnight but at least by understanding your own thought processes you may begin to find out if moving back really will solve everything or not.

Good luck OP. X

I've had it and it was very useful as I was having panic attacks and experiencing catastrophic thinking. In your scenario it seems like you might be seeing support / reframing to get through the next year or so - I'm not sure you are experiencing catastrophic thinking which I believe is where CBT is most effective as it effectively retrains your brain to see what the situation really "is" - it sounds like you have a very clear non catastrophic view on this.

I think CBT works better for anxiety-based stuff than depression. I found it very good at helping me break negative thought patterns that caused me to spiral. But it absolutely doesn't tackle any underlying, deep-rooted pain.

I agree with a previous poster, a different type of therapy might work better in your circumstances

Whatever therapy is chosen, so much depends on the therapist.

I sought help from a counsellor at one time because some very bad things had happened to me and I needed help to put them behind me and move on. It did not in fact work for me, because the counsellor was shocked by what had happened and expressed that at every session. I did not find that at all helpful.

OP - I am glad that you had a happy time on your DD's birthday - there will be more happy days I am sure. But the link in your mind between happiness and "home" is perhaps not helping you to move on to new happinesses, which I am sure are out there.