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Can’t tell whether my family would be better off without me

39 replies

Debroglie · 03/11/2021 14:52

How can you tell?
I’m so depressed I must be an awful person to be around. I do all the practical things for my dc but I hate almost every aspect of my life so there’s no joy in any of it.
I can’t get help because there’s nothing in the nhs and when I tried to see a counsellor privately I kept having panic attacks just thinking about it. Only ever leave the house to go to work or to taxi the dc.
It’s a living hell. I’m too frightened to live but too frightened to die too.

OP posts:
bothjetplanes · 03/11/2021 16:12

OP, I had a friend whose mum died when she was a child. Not suicide, cancer. My friend was borderline anorexia and believed she had to be thin or people she loved would leave her.

From what you say there is help outside the statutory sector but you're problem is accessing it due to your anxiety or levels of upset. Would it help if the help came to your home? So you had counselling by zoom rather than having to leave your home?
Can you email mental health charities to arrange support rather than call them? Once you are in the system they must be used to having people who are too distressed to speak and allowing you time, or trying again at another appointment?

If your issues are trauma based EMDR does seem to help a lot of people.

Moonface123 · 03/11/2021 16:27

When l suffered with horrendous panic attacks l read up every book ever written, medication is only a relief, not a cure, a cure is facing your fear and finding nothing terrible happens, it's just your thoughts creating the fear which induces the panic.
It is hard to dig yourself out of black hole, but if you are committed you will do it.
My sons lost their dad young, to lose a parent young is horrendous and for a while they lost me as well through grief and feeling totally overwhelmed.
You owe It to yourself to push through, you will come through the other side.
Listen to les Brown , Tony Robbins and Td jakes, on youtube, these men have all been through stuff, their advice is priceless, listen to them a few minutes a day, they helped me get back on my feet, and feel like old friends when l listen to them now.
Good luck.

badlydrawnbear · 03/11/2021 17:01

I could have written parts of your post earlier this year. I genuinely believed that my DC would be better off without me, that no mummy was better than having me as a mummy. I get how this feels, but it isn't true. Your DC will always be lost without you. I also saw mentioned on MN a while ago the documentary Joey Essex did about the impact of his mum's suicide when he was a child (it was on iplayer). It made me feel guilty for considering it, which was another thing to hate myself for but it does show the massive impact losing his mother had.

More practically, you said you tried to go to counselling and had a panic attack. Would it be easier to do counselling from home so you don't have to actually go anywhere? Many counsellors still do phone or zoom sessions like they did in covid. Or do you have anybody who could support you in going? You wouldn't have to go into detail about what you are going to counselling for, just say you haven't been feeling your best and want to talk it through with someone but it's hard. You have obviously tried very hard to feel better. It's shit when you try and it doesn't seem to help.

Please persevere for your DC and for you to have a happier life too. My DH died recently, so I now have direct experience of DC who have been bereaved of a parent and it's very difficult for me to reconcile that with the knowledge that I came so close to intentionally causing this pain to my DC.
Take care

bothjetplanes · 04/11/2021 09:45

I think the pp point that you may be able to find a therapist who can respond via email communication is a good one, if you feel unable to cope with spoken therapy at the moment. You could email a MH charity and ask about this. Also, therapists are used to people coming along and not speaking - I had a friend who has done this at her counselling sessions. Just sitting with you may help to build a relationship to the point where you can talk. That's if you did want to try face to face therapy.

coffeeisthebest · 04/11/2021 14:30

Please remember that depression is a liar. Your thoughts will tell you that you are worthless and everyone will be better off without you but they are just not true. Your space on this earth is just as valid as your children's, your families, your friends and the whole rest of humanity. You do have a place here. Until you can question your thoughts please do whatever you can to manage their impact, take medication, look after yourself gently, make sure you have space to talk, but don't sit alone with the mistrustful thoughts in your head. They are persuasive but they are not true. Please stay safe.

Debroglie · 04/11/2021 17:57

Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:
talkalarm · 04/11/2021 18:14

Does your GP know how hard things are? It sounds like you're considering suicide. Do they know that?

Daisykx · 04/11/2021 18:37

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Debroglie · 04/11/2021 18:49

GP knows about my depression. There is no help from them. Unless you actually attempt suicide, harm your children, make a nuisance of yourself with the police or a&e, there’s no help. Suffering doesn’t matter as long as you’re not bothering anyone.

OP posts:
drivesacarnow · 05/11/2021 10:33

Can you change GP? Yours sounds shit, to be honest.

I would recommend contacting charities yourself. Once you get in their systems, often a whole load of other support becomes available. If you have children, you may be able to get support from family support workers, the teams set up to help families.
As others said, if you can't handle talking, try emailing to access support. You may be able to have a therapy session through email or other method to start with.

drivesacarnow · 05/11/2021 10:34

And I feel for you OP. You clearly feel very alone and isolated and utterly miserable. I've felt like that too and often still do. I really hope things improve for you. Flowers Brew Cake

Debroglie · 06/11/2021 18:44

Thank you.
I don’t think my gp is shit. They have referred me to the mental health team and I’m not sure what else they can do. It’s not their fault that the other services can’t help me. Or is there something else the gp can do? I haven’t been back recently because nothing has changed so I assumed that their suggestions would be the same.
I have resigned myself to being ill now I just wish there was a way to protect my dc.

OP posts:
DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 06/11/2021 18:58

Does your gp surgery not offer any counselling?

My recovery took about ten years, and in that time I had six-week bursts of counselling/talking therapies and one series of hypnotherapy, then months or sometimes years off, then another few sessions. What worked for me was focusing on one thing with the therapist. For example, I had five months, once a week with a volunteer counsellor in a scheme arranged by the local authority, and pretty much talked about my (abusive) mother all the time. Another counsellor was keen to get me out and about in the world and set me homework to join dating sites! It often seemed as if I'd never be better, but eventually, something clicked, and I'm now three years plus out of depression/suicidal ideation etc. I still have the anxiety but that's from a different source.

I tried everything I could access. Mindfulness. Counselling from MIND, one good counsellor, one very bad. The main theme of it all was that I had to push to get help. Like, when you're so far down you can't do anything for yourself or anyone else, you have to be viciously on the ball with these people. I might be wrong but I came to believe that they deliberately make their services difficult to access to keep the numbers down. They've 'taken me off the waiting list' times without number for 'not answering the phone' when I could show they hadn't phoned me. Then claiming I'd given them the wrong number - no I hadn't. One office worker told me he'd made an appointment for me six months ahead (waiting list) and when I phoned to check he'd DELIBERATELY not booked it in. I know it was deliberate because I could hear him laughing about it with the other people in the office.

It's bloody hard to get help but work at it when you can, because the recovery is worth it, I promise.

Treece18 · 21/11/2023 02:50

It’s easy for people to say don’t be silly to think like you do,But I feel like you every day,your not alone,I want more for my kids than me as well, I’m not good at expressing myself but as long as you got some life in you use it for good , 🙌your awesome 👏 we’ll be the best we can be 🙌 xxx

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