Taboo subject

[roseability]

A bit of a taboo subject but something I feel I need to get off my chest. I suffered from PND when DS was born but due to denial it wasn't officially diagnosed until he was about 13 months old. I started ADs and feel like a different person. I have a great relationship with my son and enjoy motherhood. Here comes the but...I still feel incredibly guilty about the early months when some days I was so low and desperate I would lash out at my son physically. I never harmed him properly, or left marks or bruises etc but a handful of times I smacked him, pulled his hair and even nearly shook him. One terrible, terrible day I put my hands around his neck and although I would never have seriously harmed him it was an absolute low point for us both. He cried a lot and breastfed constantly and I was left on my own for long hours with him. I had a forceps delivery and mastitis. I know this isn't an excuse, I know I was wrong. I am receiving counselling for family issues and know I need to forgive myself. I sound like a horrible mum but I love him dearly and haven't done this sort of thing since he was 6 monthsish (he is 19 months now). Looking back I was obviously depressed and suffered from anxiety but put a brave face on. I have a supportive, loving husband and wonderful PIL. He was a planned and wanted baby but I do have a dysfunctional family and they weren't very supportive when DS was born. I can't believe I would do such things. Has anyone else experienced simliar feelings? Not everyone is brave enough to admit they felt like this. I was so worried he would be taken away from me yet now he is a bright and happy little boy and i have even just reduced my working hours to be with him more. Phew feels good to get that off my chest

I do think that you sound like fabulous mummy's,admitting that you are not coping (or haven't been) is soo hard.
I agree about the community bringing up babies together, my friend comes from Brazil, everyone there touches children cuddles them looks after them with the parents.. if you were in a restaurant and baby was crying a member of staff would automatically cuddle your child whilst you finished your dinner.. We are all so stressed about the dangers surrounding our children that we don't feel we can ask a neighbour who has offered to watch the baby for an hour or so.. we feel worried about trusting anyone(for some that includes trusting grandparents) It adds extra pressure on the Mum and on the parental relationship.

It is also great to hear that you are getting some support now - even though it seems like you are already through the worst of it.

mothers are expected to be super-human now.to have a baby,get our figure back within 6 weeks,then hold down a job as well as everything else,without any support.then when our children get older we are told its our fault if they misbehave.

i am glad you are all able to admit to having felt this way.i had similar feelings towards my son who is almost 10.looking back i now realise i had severe PND,as well as being miles from my family and being in a violent relationship.

i was given medication but i never took it,i couldnt see how it would make things better.

unfortunaltley my realtionship with my first child is still strained.i am hopefully going to get some help with this from the child psychologist soon,and i am on medication and having CBT to deal with my own stuff.

its a sad world where we are too frightened to be honest about how we feel or whats going on in case somebody takes our child away

Hi Vixma

My birth mother had schizophrenia and we were abandoned by my birth father. My maternal grandmother and her second husband (who isn't my biological grandfather) adopted me. My birth mother's father won't have anything to do with me. My adoptive dad is a bully who always made me feel bad about myself and I don't get on all that well with my adoptive Mum. I lost my birth mother 9 years ago, she was only 39. The rest of my extended family are unsupportive. thank god my husbands family have welcomed me as a daughter/sister and have shown me what family can really be about. Of course I want much better than this for my DS. I think when he was born a lot of these issues affected me and although it isn't an excuse for lashing out at your child, I feel this affected my ability to be the best mother i could be. However through counselling/ADs and an acceptance that I was wrong, I have learnt how to be a better mum to my DS

Oh Roseability, You are amazing - you have been through so much, fantastic that you have the support of your Dh's family.

Thanks everyone. I am off to bed (working tomorrow) have a good weekend!