Recovering after a breakdown

[peaceandgin]

Can anyone tell me their stories of recovering after a breakdown?

I’ve just endured a few months of almost constant panic, sobbing and being sick / not eating.

I just had my 3rd non tearful / non panicked day in a week (but not in a row) and I’m hoping to turn a corner soon.

My lovely DH has been amazing and together we’ve worked out that moving away for a fresh start (to a familiar place) would help me recover. He can still work in the new location. A costly move but hopefully worth it. Our families are backing us up all the way.

Am I turning a corner? do you have a happy ending?

@Spied

Depersonalisation is really scary, I agree.

My first experience of it was when I was browsing a charity shop in town looking for books. I got a sudden overwhelming feeling I wasn't real and the sounds and lights in the shop were like nothing I'd ever seen. People even seemed to move very strangely and I felt 10 ft tall.
I kind of floated out the shop and somehow got home.

I hope you don't mind me sharing my experience OP but I really feel that sharing helps and makes sufferers realise they are not alone which takes some of the fear away- and makes episodes less severe and more unlikely.

Yes extremely scary.

Mine is awful. Experienced it a bit like you did but while I was having food with my family in the kitchen one evening. It panicked me and I haven’t felt my normal self since - probably the panic over the symptom is what’s keeping it going. Hard to just forget about it when you feel so weird though. Mine is at a constant level now where I don’t really recognise myself in the mirror anymore and feel a bit disconnected from everything :( hope it eases soon x

[quote peaceandgin]@Rowanberries I too am worried about noise :( children noise, neighbour noise, general city life noises.

I feel worse during the Summer because hot sunny days makes me feel surreal and dream like. Like I don’t actually exist and nothing is real. It’s hard to explain![/quote]
Sounds like derealisation/depersonalisation. Common symptom of anxiety! X

@Vampyhooch wow I had no idea!

I’m feeling more sad than anxious today. I was quite cheerful this morning until reality hit

@peaceandgin yes apparently it can be a symptom in depression too. It’s a defence mechanism of the brain. It’s a form of dissociation and it does it as a way to protect you from any more stress/worry/hurt. Horrible symptoms to have even when they are intended to protect you tho eh? I had it really bad about 7 years ago and it gradually eased when I stopped giving it so much attention.

Yes I find that is quite common at the moment going between anxious and sad or sometimes a mix of the two. Things aren’t easy at the moment as we are unable to do the things we would normally do to distract ourselves. X

I got to a point where I was too panicked to participate in the world really. I thought I just needed a couple weeks off work to try and feel better. I didn't go back for a year (and in that time thought I wouldn't be able to go back at all).
It was horrendously hard being in it, but as I started to improve I could see things I needed to change. I changed jobs, hours, we moved even though we had only done so recently and made big changes within our family.
These were all things I thought I couldn't do or wouldn't help when I was in the middle of it all.
That was a couple of years ago and all the decisions I was forced to make by having a breakdown have been the right ones for me and my family and have led to sustainable and happy changes. Looking back I wouldn't choose to carry on living how I was before.
If I hadn't had a full on breakdown and had been able to carry on just scraping by and struggling I wouldn't be where we are now and would be a lot more unhappy and honestly, would be heading for a breakdown at some point anyway.
I have seen it in others too - it gets so bad your hand is forced and something somewhere eventually fights back and whispers what you need.
If you are having thoughts of making changes they are worth listening to and discussing with people you trust.
Though it was unbearable at the time, I feel like now my breakdown was almost like an ultimate defence mechanism. I literally thought I would die for many months but that
was what it took for me to be able to understand what I needed to do to live in a way that suited my soul more and not just ignore how the life I was living was killing me.
Best of luck, everything you are saying sounds so encouraging. We are financially worse off but a happier, more functional family. I feel like your whispers about moving and being frugal but happier are worth listening to. Big hug.
I tired both sertraline and CBT. I don't think either of them made a difference when I was really bad but I think they probably each played a small role in just nudging me towards a place where I could start to improve after some time had passed, though I wouldn't have said they made much difference at the time they probably did and any small move in the right direction can be enough to start turning a corner x

@Broomfondle your post is so accurate and enlightening I cried! But good cry. thank you so much for sharing.

Also your name made me laugh

You're going to be ok @peaceandgin, better than ok x

How is everyone today? I tend to be better at the weekends.

So I woke up, had a tiny cry and cracked on.

i’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression. in 2007 i started to have horrendous panic attacks (depersonalisation included!) that left me housebound and terrified. i has 2 weeks off work and clawed my way back but it was too soon.

in 2012 i had a complete breakdown. walked out of my job, couldn’t function at all. my wonderful GP got me into a psychiatric ward and i spent 6 weeks there, being stabilised on medication. i was diagnosed with BPD alongside depression, anxiety, PTSD and OCD.

i don’t work any more. my physical health has gone to shit as well and i’m officially disabled. i have a blue badge and live on PIP and ESA.

do you know what though - life is mostly better than it was when i was a functioning member of society. i take a lot of medication and i’ve been shielding during corona which has set me back a bit, but i have support for my BPD and have more good days than bad now.

when you’re in the middle of it, it’s terrifying. looking back, i had a breakdown in my early 20s where i was housebound with agoraphobia for 6 months. i never listened to my body or brain though, and kept pushing and pushing myself to be ‘normal’.

the lockdown has given me a lot of time to think. i’m finally accepting that this is me now. i’m different now. but also that it’s ok to not be ok sometimes.

i try and hold on tight to the good things. i have a lovely little home, a fabulous cat for company. i ditched facebook a couple of years ago and haven’t missed it. i know that the friends i have now are my real friends. i’m closer to my family than i have been in years.

small positives. i’m never going to be able to hold down a full time job again, but i’d like to do some volunteering or study at some point. but i don’t push myself too hard, in case things start to feel unmanageable again.

i came out of my breakdown as a very different person. i think i’m actually a better person now as i have empathy whereas before i was concentrating so hard on functioning i didn’t really have time to properly interact with people.

it will get better, OP. each better hour is a bonus. there may be setbacks, but you will get through this. just...keep on trucking. it’s all we can do.

be well.

Hello! OP here with a new name

I just wanted to update the thread if anyone was ever going through similar.

I'm much better now. I have long periods of joy, happiness and calm. No longer needing all those meds for anxiety although my neurological meds help with mood ever so slightly.

Reading my original post was very sad. I was in such a bad way and constantly in panic attack mode / fight or flight..My GP had to put me on valium because I couldn't calm down. I was sick every morning when I woke up - from fear of the day ahead. I couldn't eat and I wrecked my stomach from starving myself (but i binged on pringles each night!) and being sick with panic every morning. I didn't want to be alive

I still have glimpses of panic like today - 3 hours of flutters and palpitations but has since gone away.

I'm so much happier. And if you're going through similar then please speak up. The moment you speak up is the moment you'll turn a corner. I promise.

I took propranolol which took the edge off, amitriptyline for headaches and depression, had CBT and took up swimming. Starting a new job gave me a distraction until we moved house and had a fresh, brand new start. (I also had another anti depressant but I can't remember the name!)

I'll never forget those horrible months mid breakdown.

I hope my update benefits one person 😊 x

Also thank you to everyone who posted here and helped me through it all. Xx

Thanks for posting. Realised I’ve had a breakdown so wonderful to hear I’m not alone/ going mad

That's a positive update OP. I'm
Glad you are feeling better.

Thank you for taking the time to update. I’m so glad you’re improving, if not fully recovered yet. Hopefully it won’t take much longer. 💐

Hello @No10codswallop - I am going through the same at the moment and searching for messages of hope. I'm so glad you came back to update x

@kizziee can I ask about your experience atm. I'm most definitely in the middle of a breakdown

@Ilovedogs1 I had been very well for many years on a low dose AD and then suddenly started with panic and anxiety which moved into depression. No idea why. Very busy - but then I always am.
Terrified now that I won't get well again.
I am increasing my AD back up to a higher dose

Hello @Ilovedogs1 @kizziee. I have been through a breakdown in 2019. Similar to you @kizziee, find on anti depressant then one day just major panic. Realised that it was trauma and PTSD related which makes a lot of sense, something in my body got triggered and then my body just relived the trauma day after day, which I didn't realise at the time, it's only now on reflection. I will say I have had long standing issues since childhood with my mental health, always with anxiety and then depression because I didn't feel "normal." Unfortunately we do not have very good mental health support in terms of long term therapies, which would really help a lot of people, instead deciding to through medication at the problem. Don't get me wrong, Anti-depressants are life saving and I think I will always be on one, but it's a shame the support for talking therapies isn't there for most to help you get to the route of the problem.

So do not give up. Find someone in your GP surgery or other medical professional that listens, makes you feel heard, and you trust. I found someone on a health visiting team who literally restored faith for me and made me feel like she was on my side. She saved my life, just having someone who knew what I was going through and shared my frustrations with the NHS system gave me strength to carry on going.

Slowly over time, and lockdown funnily enough made a lot of difference, the slower pace, people being scared of something they couldn't see, no expectations to be anywhere it all helped me to realise that I was ok and I wasn't going crazy.

I'm nowhere near fixed now, I guess I will always be a bit different, but can function again without daily panic attacks, they now just crop up now and again, aggravated by stressors in life (children being poorly, lack of sleep etc.) Still more anxious than I would like but not to the point it makes me sick anymore.

I am seeking help still from MH services but wanted to give you a little glimmer of hope that breakdowns do pass, you will get through it and you will look back on this time from a much better place.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Keep on going. Ride the storm, every storm passes. 🌊

@potterface29 thank you for your kind message and I hope you continue to get good help. Which medication do you use ?

@kizziee I am on 200mg of Sertraline, have been since the start of 2020. Before that I was on citralopram.

Thank you @potterface29

@potterface29 yes thank you for your response. I've always suffered with anxiety/OCD since I was a child but it has been manageable . I think for me lots if stressful things all happened in a short space of time and tipped the balance.
Now I'm reduced to a panicking blubbering mess most days and I feel constant high anxiety. I am on meds but like you feel that they jig them around so they can say they've done something. Medication has its role but on a waiting list for therapy.

@Ilovedogs1 I'm sorry you are in this position too. Is the medication helping at all for the time being ?

@kizziee not that I can tell. They gave me some diazepam if I need it but trying to keep that to a minimum.
Can I ask your age? I'm 44 and wondering if hormones could be playing a part

@Ilovedogs1 I'm two years after last period but you are definitely at the right age for perimenopause.
Which medication are you taking and have you been on it long ? It can sometimes take quite a long time to kick in