I'm living a lie, and I just need to tell someone the truth because it is making me very unhappy. This is long - sorry.

[thescribbler]

This is going to be long but please stick with it - I need some support and advice because I can only see one way out of this, and those thoughts scare me.

I used to be a happy, energetic, driven and positive person. I was so lucky, had brilliant friends, a lot of fun, had achieved so much I was proud of, had left all my younger insecurities behind and could only see life getting better and better. Sometimes things had been tough, but I'd got through them and believed in who I was. The only shadow I had was that I somehow sensed that my long-term relationship wasn't right for me and that I needed to leave it.

But I didn't - I somehow had this idea htat I had to 'try'. And we then went through a terrible protracted break-up over about 3 years or so which left me very depressed, lost me friends, longing for children, angry, frustrated and bitter. I met someone who I felt incredibly strongly about - he felt like the person I'd been waiting all my life for, but I was so scared by the strength of my emotions that I gave him lots of mixed messages without actually leaving my partner, making all three of us very miserable in the process.

Eventually we split and I moved out. I spent some very dark months but with the help of an amazing GP, ADs and lots of exercise I was slowly slowly starting to crawl upwards. I didn't feel worthy of any form of happiness though and believed that I would never have children, which affected my relationships with friends who did have them as I always felt aware of their pity. All I could do was hate myself and feel terrible guilt and shame for what I had done. But at the same time I could see that with time I might be capable of forming another relationship and being happy.

Then my ex started to spend time together and we were having such a good time that we slept together, and I got pregnant and he asked me to marry him. I felt so happy for a year or so, so positive and so elated at being pregnant when I'd all but given up (I'm in my mid-30s). I tried to explain away all the sadness of the previous years as if it was all ok now.

Now I have a toddler and another on the way, and all I do is wake every morning around this time knowing that I am a living a lie. Every day I put on a bright, coping, 'loving life' front and everyone thinks we have a wonderful happy relationship that has survived. But we don't. We barely communicate on a deeper level and we have never talked about the reasons for our break-up. He makes me feel insecure and pathetic and doesn't value or acknowledge my strengths - he never has - so I don't feel I have any. I hate the person I am when I am with him. I can never fully relax round him and although I care about him very deeply and he is a wonderful dad, I know that he will never give me what I truly need and that I lost the opportunity to be the real me when I didn't leave him years ago. I also feel that I never really fell in love with him as he's a very difficult person to really get close to for all kinds of reasons. He's always held me at arm's length.

All I can see is future, deep-set unhappiness with a happy exterior and I worry and worry and worry about what this will do to my children. But I know at the same time that I won't leave him because nothing is 'awful'. I feel like I can't look my family or friends in the eye, that I am not a real person, but nobody would ever know that because I lie so well.

Please help. I can't tell anyone I love the truth. I am a liar, and how am I going to help my children be themselves in life if their mum is so expert at covering up who she really is? I love my friends and family so much, but I can never be my true self with them as I used to be, and that makes me feel that I have a lonely life ahead where I will never feel truly at peace, and worst of all, know the reason why.

Sorry this has gone on so much. I can't bear it. But I don't know how to solve it.

I have managed two nights in a row where I've slept through the night - relief! Just working out how and when to talk to DH. He hates confronting emotional issues and tends to shut down and avoid all eye contact. I need to find a way of phrasing things so that he will listen, respond and I won't start crying!

Also thinking about a friend to talk to. It's not right to wake up at 4am most nights with your relationship on your mind and feeling despair about it is it?

((((HUGS))))

Missingme - good for you, you're doing the right thing in looking after yourself and working on basics like getting enough sleep. You deserve it. Think of that "me" you are missing all the time and how to get her what she needs.

What happens if you address your DH's reluctance directly. "I know you find it difficult to talk about things, and you wish you could avoid it, but I'm afraid that is not good enough for me. We need to talk about this now and I would really like you to try to take part." Also don't just focus on him and his faults - talk about how you're feeling and your needs, strengths and qualities that he doesn't recognise. Maybe he genuinely doesn't know you.

Hope you will be able to have that conversation with a friend soon as well.

Scribber, I would really very strongly advise counselling. You say you feel "very strongly" about DH and that he is a good dad. That is a whorthwhile foundation for couples counselling if he is willing. And if he isn't, go alone. Counselling will help you feel more confident in so many ways, even if the future isn't with DH. And perhaps it maybe. Relationships are such strange things that go through so many phases. It's virtually impossible to happy and content together all the time even if it appears that couples around you are achieving it.

((((hugs))))

you say that your husband keeps you at arms length and he will not discuss why you broke up before - could it be that he knows that you don't love him? it may be the reason he doesn't communicate with you well. there is nothing worse than loving someone who doesn't feel the same. maybe he is frightened to hear the truth actually come from you.

i think you are being tough on yourself and depression can cause the feelings you have. has others have said, lots of people live like this for many years.

i second the relate idea. you can go alone too which would give you the chance to speak freely about your feelings in depth.

you never know you may find that you do love him and your life once you talk it through.

i wish you all the best.

missingme...really sad

the good thing is you can be honest here

do you think he is not happy too? maybe he hides it like you did?
you must talk, esp with him and agree with advice given earlier here
it could sort out all your future happiness, whatever way that works out
its too much to lose

take your time and look after yourself, good if you are getting unbroken sleep, make the most!
eat well, dont panic, hope you can start talking to each other

You're all so kind. There are many things you've thrown up here. To be honest, I've never felt that he's fully happy with the relationship, and with me. I've always felt that he's keeping a lot back, even before we broke up and even before he knew things about me that he'd rather not (lots and lots of hurt went on on both sides). He kind of withdraws into a shell and when I ask him what's wrong he just says 'I'm tired'. He would laugh in my face if I suggested he was depressed, but it's what I've suspected almost since I first met him - he has had a lot of difficulty in his life mainly related to his family and made the choice a long time ago to deal with it by not discussing or facing it.

And yes, I do think he's scared of hearing the truth from me, and I'm scared of telling it to him which is why I lie to everyone. This isn't meant to sound arrogant but I think he feels inferior to me somehow as my life has always been much fuller and I have a very close and loving family and somehow he feels he isn't good enough for me, no matter how much I have tried to assure him otherwise. His self-esteem has never been high, but I have propped it up and tried to understand for so long that I feel that I have run out of all energy, especially as I have children who need that from me now.

I am feeling better. I want us to be better. I want him to feel that he can truly be himself with me (and isn't it ridiculous - even after 12 years on and off together I still wonder if he really knows me). I will try all you suggest.

He isn't good enough for you, though, is he? As he doesn't make you happy. He knows. He just doesn't want to face it. You only get one life. Don't waste all of your lifes by being so miserable.

No, he doesn't, but I could do a whole lot worse. He doesn't hit me or have affairs or drink or work all hours. He looks after me and cares a lot and does his best. He just doesn't really understand who I am (god that sounds like such a cliche doesn't it). There are worse situations I could be in and I'm certainly not looking for perfection (learnt not to do that). I just have a very hard time coming to terms with things that have happened between us in the past coupled with difficulties and having a small baby. But I'm not going anywhere, not yet.

Missingme, your posts in many ways are like mine have been, except my dh and I have been together 20 odd yrs (we do have the young dcs though!) I was ready to leave (my dh hadn't been great, tbh) but things have turned around.

I've found two books really helpful, Loving What Is and I Need Your Love - Is That True? by Byron Katie, you can get them via Amazon. They have helped me to see our relationship in adifferent light and to take a step back whenever I get the 'he's this, he's that, I'm so unhappy' type thoughts.

You know what else helps? Acting like there isn't a problem. If I let my thoughts get to me I withdraw from him, I go cold, I don't speak - the result is that we are all miserable. If I carry on as normal, he is happy, I'm happy, th edcs are happy, we communicate.

HTH

I'll have a look at those, thanks. Did you get your DH to read them too? I often read stuff and try to act on it, but it doesn't always work in isolation. When I ask him to read it too he always says he will and never does. I'm not sure how I can get across how very important it is that we BOTH read these things!

What does HTH mean?

HTH - hope this helps.

No, I didn't get dh to read them with me, the great thing about these books is that they change how you think totally - you don't need your dh or anyone else to change too. Read Loving What Is first, and do the excerises ('The Work'), and then keep on doing it - whenever I'm having a bad time I go back to these books and they make me so much more peaceful. Then by being more peaceful myself, everything becomes more harmonious and things are better. And I'm not believing the stressful lies that I tell myself.

Sorry, had to dash as dd1 wanted her bedtime story!

The one thing I've learned over the past 18 mo or so, very painfully, is that if I rely on someone else to make me happy I'm on a hiding to nothing. The only person who can make me happy is me - not dh, not my friends, not moving house, not even my three beautiful dcs. The beauty of these books is that they make me feel happy in my own skin. The situations that I had come to believe were true - I'm living a lie, same as you, ultimately - were not true, I was just believing my thought about them. I learned how to be happy in my marriage w'out dh changing. Then, dh changed.

Your dh obviously isn't great at communicating. Neither is mine. Furthermore, he takes every attempt to talk as 'nagging', particularly if I keep on trying. Once I realised the futility of trying to change my dh and instead looked within myself to find my happiness, we got on better. Then, one day dh came home and said, 'You know what, I've been an idiot and I'm not going to xyz any more'. And he hasn't.

i'm so sorry you're feeling like this, i hope you will see a counsellor because anti-depressants may make you feel better in the short term but they don't deal with the underlying problem. Get your life sorted out and get yourself happy for your children's sake (and your sanity's!) - even if that means leaving your husband. xxxxx hugs.

Wow, I need to get hold of that book! I sent my DH an email last night saying that I felt really sad about us and that I didn't think he was happy. I find that easier than saying it to him directly because if he doesn't respond I find that hurtful. At least via email I can't see his immediate response! I know that only I can find happiness within me - I used to be a happy person, and it wasn't because of anyone particular, I just was because I enjoyed living so much. The main difficulty is the strength needed to do that.

Missingme, I hope the book doesn't disappoint you! I found I had to do the exercises three or four times before they really worked at a deeper level, but once they do then it changes your whole outlook. Basically you just ask four questions of every thought, and then turn it around - it is incredibly simple. Byron Katie has a website somewhere that gives examples of this but I can't think of the name of it, if you do a google you should find it. Btw weirdly she goes through this with people live in front of an audience, which is very American, but don't be put off - I've heard her on CD and it is very illuminating.

How are you health-wise? I'm still anaemic from complications following my last pg (ds is now 16 mo) and when I am tired I definitely find it harder to see the wood for the trees.

I also don't allow anything that reminds me of negative experiences or thoughts. I've thrown out loads of stuff, even things from ds' babyhood, b/c they remind me of sad times (dd2 got ill when ds was born and I nearly had a breakdown, it's been a bit tough on dh too). I've just got some photos of me and dh when we were really happy before the dcs were born and framed them and put them on display in our bedroom, they do make me feel more positive every time I look at them.