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Mental health

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Original poster

Failing my girls

48 replies

PricklyHedgehog · 17/07/2007 14:10

Name Change here, but regular poster I'm sure many of you would recognise.

I don't know if I'm depressed but i think I'm losing my mind. I love my girls so much I would die for them, and kill to protect them, but at the moment all I want to do is get away from them.

I just want to shut them out and be on my own. I don't want to be around them. DD1 is driving me insane and every time she says mummy I cringe and want her to go away. DD2 is giving me some trouble with sleeping. Neither of them are that bad so I can't understand why I am having so much trouble coping when women cope every day with so much more than this.

I feel like I am utterly failing them and I don't know what to do. I am having wild thoughts that I just want to run away and fuck off somewhere.
DH isn't here much under circumstances we can't change at the moment, so am doing it mostly on my own and I get so little time away from them that it is now all I want.

I want more than anything to be a good mother and mostly I am ok, but then I have days like today when I just want to shake them til they shut up and shut myself away.

I think I should never have had children and I don't deserve them,, and I am utterly failing them.

OP posts:

Notquitegrownup · 17/07/2007 14:44

PS I totally know what you mean about shouting too. That is a symptom of how you are feeling. Give your kids a great big hug - they know that you love them - and do find some time from somewhere to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of them. You deserve it.

Patronuscharm · 17/07/2007 14:50

PH - just wanted to say that you could be describing me at the moment as well. I am really anxious that I am failing DS and doing it all wrong when in fact I am just very stressed and letting this stress get on top of me.

You are not a bad Mum - just normal - I doubt anyone out there gets it right 100% of the time. Even my own mother says "I was too im patient with you and expected too much when you were still such a baby". FWIW that is not MY memory of my Mum or childhood and I bet your DDs won't have those memories either.

Original poster

PricklyHedgehog · 17/07/2007 16:00

Thanks all.
It's hard to describe when I'm ok, I am happy, and yet sad that I am not alone. It's such a desperate feeling, and the guilt that comes with it makes it so much worse. Then one of them will do something really sweet and it's like flood gates of guilt open up.

When I'm not all shouty I hug them a lot, and I always tell DD1 that I love her even when I'm cross and shouting. She knows I love her but I always go to bed wishing I could do better and vowing the next day will be different.
Then it never is.
I don't get like this often, well every few weeks I suppose.
Have a bit of me time scheduled soon.
Will have to go again soon as DH will be home.

Thanks again for your replies. I am not ready to go to the gp yet, tho I have a suspicion that perhaps I should, even if it's just to talk. Don't want to talk to a councillor.

OP posts:

GryffindorInARiffindor · 17/07/2007 16:01

PH - I meant my last post x

Original poster

PricklyHedgehog · 17/07/2007 16:03

Is it glaringly obvious who I am???

OP posts:

GryffindorInARiffindor · 17/07/2007 16:04

only to those that love you very much

Original poster

PricklyHedgehog · 17/07/2007 16:06

Fuckity Fucking Hell

OP posts:

Meeely2 · 17/07/2007 16:07

Ph, it's sometimes a lot easier to talk to a stranger, but you do have to be ready to go. I am nervous as hell as i find it very hard to open up when i am not actually feeling those feelings at the time. I have found the pills have helped me be a lot more honest with myself and therefore with others.

I told my MIL at the weekend and feel a lot better for it as she can now fully understand how i'm feeling and not just guess at it.

What used to be more annoying than anything was other people nodding saying yeah i know what you mean, when you were trying to say discretely how hard you were finding it. I knew they didn't understand at all. I wanted people to guess how i was feeling and fix it for me, but now i know that won't happen, it's all up to me. people generally won't offer to help unless you ask.

GryffindorInARiffindor · 17/07/2007 16:09

I may be wrong...infact I could well be

sorry for jumping to conclusions

slinkyjo · 17/07/2007 16:37

ph i got no idea who you are lol i dont know anyone on here properly yet

puppydavies · 17/07/2007 16:46

you could easily be me on a bad day right now. i'm a very loving but rather shouty/might snap at any moment kind of mum. having oodles of experience of being depressed i can usually tell when i'm reacting to circumstances and when it's something else that needs treating with meds. for me right now it's definitely sleep deprivation, but my response to testing situations can be very similar whether it's depression or stress.

firstly it's normal to want a bit of space away from your kids especially if you're sahm (assuming, since you don't mention work, apols if wrong) and you're on duty 24/7. it's even more normal to be extra snappy if your sleep is being disturbed. i work on the basis that if i don't get an unbroken stretch of at least 4 hours i have to go easy on myself the next day.

understand your situation - it's tough - and have realistic expectations of yourself (i'm guilty of eg not allowing telly then getting cross cos i'm being pestered for things to do). your mental health does impact on your kids, so it's part of your parenting duty to look after yourself too, put yourself first when you can, when you feel better you can be a 'better' parent.

take up all options of taking them off your hands (family, friends, creche, playgroup), do this urgently. even if it's just one at a time it lightens the load a little. maybe swap babysitting shifts with friends w/kids same age. you don't say how old your eldest is but i find now that mine (4) is less trouble when she has a friend over than on her own. also overnight stays are fab, an adventure for the kids and a proper lie in for you.

don't get bogged down in guilt, it doesn't help. acknowledge the thought or feeling then let it go, try not to dwell.

i know many of these are easier said than done, but if you can manage just one or two you will feel better, and if you don't then you know you need some extra help, be it talking or meds.

you can get over this, you're not alone, there's nothing terrible about the way you feel. this too shall pass.

LilRedWG · 17/07/2007 16:49

PH - I love you very much too! Although your language leaves something to be desired

sparklesandwine · 17/07/2007 17:00

i know exactly what you mean PH but can offer no advice which hasn't been said i'm afraid I just wanted you to know others are in your position also, your own space/time is very precious when you have children and something which can easily slip away if you let it

my eldest 2 are being taken away this weekend by my SIL (which i am very grateful for so don't get me wrong when i say this...) but i wish she was taking the youngest 2 as they are both very demanding and clutter my head at the moment with the crying and fighting and clinging - i rarely get to see the eldest 2 because they are at school and would actually love to spend some time just with them - is that wrong?

oh god i feel really now that i've admitted that aloud

Notquitegrownup · 17/07/2007 17:37

Sparklesandwine - nooo it's not wrong. I only have 2 and I really miss time alone with my ds1. When we do get the occasional time together it is really special.

Handy hint from friend: when they are 11 or 12, start taking them out on 'dates' one at a time. Go somewhere you both enjoy - a cafe, a cinema and talk. (If you have 4 dcs you might have to get your dp/dh to take one or two out on dates to fit them all in.)

PH - I don't know who you are either. Do think about the chat with the GP though. I wish I had spoken with mine much much sooner, so that the kids didn't have to carry the brunt of all my feelings.

mumofdini · 17/07/2007 20:33

I havent read all the posts, but I so understand how you are feeling. Ypu are very brave to post your true feelings on here, I dont know about you but I think it's hard to speak them out loud because you feel like it's somehow making them more real. actually if you share them and write them down hopefully they will be easier to deal lwith. This is EXACTLY how I have been feeling. I have the doc on Thurs, and have actually had 2 good days in a row so now I'm worried how I will explain. IIt kind of doesnt seem real when your feeling ok does it? Sorry if I've just repeated what everyone else said. And thank you for being brave enoiugh to commit this to cyberspace.

mumofdini · 17/07/2007 20:38

ps puppydavies thanks for your advice. The bit about tv strikes a chord!

colander · 17/07/2007 20:43

Haven't read the other posts, only yours so may be repeating.

You are very brave to post about this, and I am sure you are not failing them. You obviously care enough to post. You are dealing with them non stop, with no break from the sound of it. You need a break. Do you have other family nearby? Even just for a Saturday morning. Don't know how old they are, but what about putting them in a creche at a gym for a morning? Could a neighbour help? Not sure if any of those are practical as I don't know your situation. However, I think a lot of mothers would say they felt like that at least some of the time - anyone who did the same job for no pay without any breaks certainly would. Best of luck, and try not to beat yourself up too much.

tomps · 17/07/2007 20:52

Prickly Hedghog - if you get like this every few weeks, have you considered it could be some form of pre menstrual syndrome ? I find that every month I am susceptible to exactly the feelings you describe - guilt, despair, not feeling able to cope, irritable, shouty ... It has really really made a difference for me to take Agnus Castus herb every day to kind of even out the fluctuations in hormone levels which can cause such feelings. My experience is that it is not so much dd's behaviour which changes, but my reactions to her and my ability to deal with her, and life in general. You may also find avoiding caffeine and cutting down on sugary foods help. I very much recommend this website www.pms.org.uk/. And getting some time out for yourself sounds like a good idea. Good luck

fatnotpregnant · 17/07/2007 21:11

Magnesium helps too.what also helps is the knowledge that you are doing something positive to get yourself back on form. This time will pass.

ProjectSeverus · 17/07/2007 21:35

I would like to point out that this isn't me.

But it could be somedays. I identify lots with your posts you have described some days in my home.

Went to my GP this morning see thread

Tentibuckbeak · 17/07/2007 21:47

PricklyHedgehog , you're not who I thought you were.
I hope you manage to get to the GP soon and get on the right track.
I'm in a never ending cycle of love, depression, anger, guilt, frustration etc, snap really quickly. My Drs were not helpful told me it's basically part of being a mum.

Original poster

PricklyHedgehog · 19/07/2007 11:08

Thanks everyone, Tentie, could you go back for a second opinion??

Tomps that is very sound advice, I have actually thought it might be but it's hard to say as DD2 is 11 mths old and still bfing. I have had 2 periods in the last 3 mths, so not only could it be that, but it's hard to tell, and thanks re the fatty foods and caffeine. Have recently tried to cut out crap that i am eating and not doing badly, will try harder if it might help this. Trouble is I comfort eat and also need caffeine in the morning as shattered.

Yesterday was much better, and is def my reaction and ability to cope, not DD's bhvr.

OP posts:

tomps · 21/07/2007 21:26

Glad you had a better day - I think it's really important to notice that not every day is a bad day. Therefore you are NOT a bad mum, you just have some bad days. Really important to remind yourself of the positive stuff you do and the good days. Re comfort eating and caffeine - I know I know, but sugar and caffeine really do make you feel worse until you've had them, then you're in that vicious circle. I pick a good day when I'm feeling strong and capable to cut out caffeine and sugar. But even when it seems too difficult and I'm stuck in that caffeine / sugar / overtired cycle, it feels better for me knowing that these feelings will pass, that I am able to do something about it even if I don't want to today ! Anyway, that's enough about me. Wishing you many more good days.

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