help me get through the next 12 hours

[legalalienindulwich]

This is the first post I've done and can't believe I' posting it - although I constantly feel at the end of my tether, now I really think I may be there.

By way of background (which is doubtless boring and somewhat narcissistic (SP?), but bear with me as I suspect that half the battle will be me writing this down and getting it off my chest:

I've suffered from clinical depression since my mid teens. I grew up in a small town where social connections were very important, my parents came from overseas and didn't fit in, I was a fairly bright but not very confident child, and did what I had to to adapt to the circumstances. Which meant, as a result of my perfectionist tendencies, succumbing to anorexia/bulimia. I dropped out of university after my first year in order to sort this out, had a break down of sorts (sent to counselling, which was completely hopeless as I managed to convince the counsellor that it was all my parents' fault - which it really wasn;t) - and after a year off was strong enough to take myself back to university and earn myself a really good law degree. Except that, instead of relying on my ability to control food, I just drank a lot and exercised obsessively. All of which qualified me nicely to be a highly successful work hard/play hard lawyer for the following decade, in the course of which I had a successful career and ended up in London with an equally successful partner. The depression, naturally, never wore off - it comes in bouts, but I've always worked on the basis that knowing your enemy gets you a long way - and if you keep busy your mind gets diverted into other things. I told my husband and he listened but I don't think you can really understand unless you've been there.

Anyway, we decided to start a family. Obviously we both had careers, and we agreed that his would come first but subject to some important parameters - he'd stay home until the nanny arrived in the morning - so that I could start really early if necessary - and that he'd come home one night a week (so that I could have some semblance of a social life). Neither of which has happened, and I;ve ended up in a job that I wouldn't have chosen, through necessity. I'm in a bigger house - something I've always made clear is not important to me - and am 12.000 miles from either of our families. None of our friends have children/ We've just moved house and I know no-one nearby. DH has been working on a project in a different city for the last nine months, home only from after bedtime Friday until before sun up on Monday. In that period I've had to move house completely solo, as well as working full time and taking responsibility for all chores, household admin etc (Poor me )

So far I'm surviving and putting the best show that I can on for DS (aged 2.5), but although I've coped with a hell of a lot of stuff for almost 20 years, I'm worried that I'm near breaking point. So if you can, just say something supportive. Don't bother to suggest that I ring some kind of helpline / speak to my GP because frankly, I've been there, done that several times now, and it ain't going to make a difference. I WILL cope, just that right now, I need someone to say something that indicates to me that I'm not a complete loser.

OK - rant over, feel slightly better already, but any comments welcomed, at the risk of reducing me to tears

[legalalienindulwich]

Chiken mother you are completely right and I am not so completely removed from reality that I don;t appreciate the advantages that I have. I didn't grow up on anything approaching the right side of the tracks and I will never take for granted the fact that I don't have to make a monthly decision as to which utility bill to pay or whether we can afford a roast chicken. I've been there/ But in my experience at least that's a completely separate issue from depression/. That#s not without recognising that depressed + able to pay the bills is far better than depressed + not able to pay the bills. Obviously it is.

[Blu]

LegalAlienInDulwich...hey - you most certainly are not a loser, and don't give up yet, because I promise you that as well as the highly dodgy lot in Dulwich, the area is teeming with Mn-ers! really nice ones, at that. All groomed to a moderate, sensible amount, just enough to prevent small children running away in terror. In fact I live within walking distance of any part of Dulwich- across one of your nearby parks - and previoulsy lived in SE24 - and miss it!

Look under 'charitable evnts' - the 'Mile for maude' walk in Dulwich park, and you will see a selection of S London posters - also under meet-ups - 'Brockwell Park'..then stalk them!

I would arrange a meet-up, but am over-committed between now and going on holiday, so can't for a while.

But I am an expert on all the best places to go in the locality!

[chikenmother]

Depression is an ilness - a doctor is needed. You can distinguish difficulties from depression - so you must admit you need treatment if there are bad feelings interfeering with your daily life. If you are only sad - sadness will go away (is a part of life!)

[Blu]

Do you think you are stressed, unhappy and desparate, or depressed?

Worth talking to your GP about it.

I was depressd when DS was 2..it took me a whlile to realise / admit it...but once i did the relief was enormous, I took low dose Ds and returned to what felt like 'me' very quickly.

[legalalienindulwich]

Absolutely no doubt in my mind that I'm depressed, the question is whether I'm more depressed than usual (over the last 20 years). Having resisted ADs this long, am v reluctant to go that route, rightly or wrongly)

[Blu]

I was horrified at the idea of ADs.

But rather than making me happy-pill fruit loop, or a stringy-haired zombie, the relief was enormous because i reveted to the real me. I felt as if i could trust myself again, that my negative, agressive, critical, defeatist thoughts didn't have to be rinsed off before being voiced. That i could do things, talk calmly to DP..sort things out instead of making problems worse. I took a low dose for 6 months, stopped without difficulty, and haven't looked back.

[Elasticwoman]

ADs may be a good short term answer if your depression is hormonal. But if your circumstances set you up for depression, wouldn't it be more sensible to do something about them before trying the pills? LegalAID is not happy in her job - can she change it, or her hours? She also feels isolated; can she do something about that?
They both sound not insoluble problems to me - though maybe would take time to change.

How are you today LegalAID?

[legalalien]

Good (although that's kind of par for the course, since I tend to find the evenings the worst). I've always found that the best strategy for coping with depression is to force yourself to get on and do stuff - so in that sense having a full time, mentally challenging job, while stressful, is actually part of the cure as well as the problem (I think) - it also ensures that you have some sort of social interaction (boy, did I struggle through my maternity leave!). Trying to be objective about it - and I have a dear friend who I regularly ask to "sanity check" my view of the world, I really need to get DH to agree AND STICK to taking parental responsibility for an agreed timeslot each week, no matter how short it might be, and to H**L with the fact that it might be slightly inconvenient for him to push back on a client. I appreciate that deal closings happen from time to time, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a small amount of commitment on a regular basis most of the time.

Problem is I'm not sure, practically, how to achieve this since it's a discussion that I've already had three times.

The alternative (as recommended by dear friend) is to extend childcare cover - I just don't feel good about this given that DS is already practically "single parented" (i.e. I kind of think that since he doesn't see enough of his Dad, I should put more effort in).

And although rationally I'm sure that the idea of "unless you're happy, no-one will be happy so you need to look after yourself" logic is likely to be true, I'm struggling to feel it to be true.

[legalalien]

ps and you're completely right about the isolation point. I'm just not a good person who is good at small talk or striking up instant friendships in coffee bars, and none of my work friends has children.

So any tips on how to meet families with kids, when you work full time, MOST welcome.

[Elasticwoman]

Are you saying that you enjoy your job, and get satisfaction from it, when you're there?
And that the problem is the stress of fitting it round your home life? (Because that's how I feel about work). I thought you said in previous post that you did not like the job itself.

I sympathise with your concern ds's relationship with his father, and wanting dh to take more domestic responsibility. Difficult one that many, many women can't solve. Two probs really: (1) getting him to agree to defined responsibilities and (2) getting him to stick to it.

[legalalien]

If I'm honest, I do get some satisfaction from the job - just not as much satisfaction as I did from my old job, which I decided I had to "down size" as it involved even longer hours / more stress / working in the evenings pretty much every night. So (being honest with self) am probably being a bit whingey about the job situation. I like my job probably a lot more than most people do....... not sure whether I'm capable of divorcing the job issue from the fact that I feel like I'm doing all the compromising here.....

Note to self: stop complaining and get on with making some practical improvements.

[Elasticwoman]

You may be making all the compromises in daily life, but by concentrating so hard on his career, isn't your dh creating a secure financial future for your family? - Not saying that he shouldn't be expected to compromise at all, but the equally hands-on parenting doesn't work for every one.

[orangecat]

Sorry if I am butting in, but sounds like you are coping fantastically well, even though you might not feel that way. Recoginisng the problem and deciding to do something about it is half the battle - so you are halfway there already. You've already made steps to share the problem by talking about it. Sounds like DH needs to somehow be made to listen to you - he obviously isn't getting it. I can emphathise - also have a I too have a DH who is never home in the evenings, likely to me more of a challenge when baby 2 arrives and family too far away to babysit...

[Elasticwoman]

F-T working mothers can meet others through NCT. It's not all coffee mornings. If there isn't a regular meet-up of working mums through your local NCT branch then set one up yourself.

Come to think of it, we used to have evening pub-meetings in our NCT branch to which both working and stay-at-home mums came. Once I got there and was the only one so I had a drink at the bar with 2 men, and educated them about bf!

Happy days.

[Judy1234]

la, why on earth did you and he agree to put a man's career first? Isn't that the route of all the trouble, that sexist decision. Lots of couples don't do that you know. It doesn't always suit women's psychological health to put the man's career first.

Is it possible to afford more help? Why not go back to a proper job and get your husband to request flexible working? I always worked full time and it suited us all very well.

Hate it when women downsize their jobs etc. Very very unfair on them and often comes back to bite them.

[Judy1234]

Also you may need more help. I have had colleagues with a full time live in nanny plus an au pair although usually for very big families.

I think the husband is at the route of all this and the inequality in the marriage. Even if he earns 5x what you d or did before I still don['t think working away and so much is compatible with family life. It's why I would never marry a solider or any other career where the family unity wasn't today most days and nights, even if the parents work late alternate nights and the nanny does a few evenings too. Working away can lead to family breakdown and most affairs are opportunity not wilful malice.

He has broken the deal, not stuckl to the parameters so you need to broker a new deal. It could be as with many of us working late is actually better htan dealing with small children - I know the feeling myself so then may be you need some evenings off with childcare. But you've lost all negotiating power by giving up your career being on a par with his.

[legalalien]

Xenia, you're sort of right, and sort of wrong (which is understandable, since you don't know us personally).

When we met, from a career perspective, we were pretty much in the same place. Actually, I was slightly ahead and earned slightly more. However, our personalities, and reasons for getting there, were quite different.

I chose my career because I really liked the work it involved. I've been lucky in a sense - I grew up in a "we have no money but education is for the sake of it, not where it can take you" home. DH, on the other hand, while he enjoys his work, very much sees it as a competitive means to an end (I want to be successful and earn lots or at least as much as my peers). It's the underlying motivation which has led to me being the compromising party, as much as anything. Hence me, rather than him compromising on career. I'm not ambitious in terms of job title or money. He is. If we hadn't had a child I wouldn't have gone the partnership route. But I do (and I realise this more and more since the whole pregnancy./ maternity leave experience) get a lot of my self esteem from being respected as good at my job. At the moment, despite the fact that everyone in my new job thinks I'm performing well, I don't feel that I'm up to scratch (curse of the perfectionist, only child at work).

DH is not having an easy time, but I really do agree that he needs to change a bit. I'm just not sure what else how else I can get this message through. Essentially, my biggest problem is being the "default" position - ie if anything goes wrong then perhaps I could ask him to help but the responsibility rests with me. Frankly, I've always had the same problem in my professional life (which means clients love you but you end up with no life!). It's something I've thought about a lot, and am coming to the conclusion that he actually hasn't had to deal with anything difficult in his life, and as a result doesn't really have the skills to do so. He's always been part of a standard family that fits into its community, good at academics and sport, popular..... so in some ways, not tooled up to deal with stuff not going perfectly / as planned.

And EW - you're right about the financial security point, and I know that it causes him an enormous amount of stress, and that probably I'm unfair in discounting that. Because our backgrounds are different, and because he's so competitive with his high achieving middle class university mates, he values financial success much more than I do, and I don't humour him in this regard. And I'm low maintenance. So a bit like a cat bringing a frog home....

Anyway, small victories, he is going to work late tonight and not go into work until 11 tomorrow so that he can take DS to football. One step forward.......

[legalalien]

Note to self (2) - chip, shoulder?!

am starting to think that I should have started writing my thoughts down a while ago. There's quite a lot to be learned from reading them back.

[rebelmum1]

Sounds to me like you need friends and family not paid help. Can you go home and stay with your family for a while?

[rebelmum1]

your very eloquent btw

[legalalien]

I wish. They are in Auckland, NZ. However, I do have the luxury of being able to afford to pay for them to visit once a year, Dad's work permitting (but have played that card already once this year as a result of a nanny crisis).

Urk. sounding coddled.

Note to self (3) you should think yourself lucky to be having a "nanny crisis". Get a grip and start measuring yourself against some sort of societal benchmark instead of the carefree, selfish, work hard and do what you want when you're on holiday vs being a responsible parent benchmark.

[rebelmum1]

can u go to them?

[newlifenewname]

Nanny crisis this year - you sure?!

[legalalien]

Yep I'm sure. Long story not to be committed to public forum, nothing critical or long term damaging to R.