I think I've have BPD!

[NatalieMariaD]

I really feel I have BPD! Recently my cousin said to me she thinks I've always slagged people of behind there backs! This is not the case I feel she has the perception of me, due to are cousin who has always been very sly! She would tell my cousins I've been slagging them of growing up! Something I never actually did! I've always been a victim of bully's from my cousins taking the Micky out of me saying I was a stiff, or I'd been kissing ugly boy's! From my brother making my life hell to the boys at school primary and high school! To my best friend at school she would say was a joke! Even when she got me punched in the face! So the slagging of people behind there back! I don't slag them I talk about the person in question to someone I trust normally my mum or trusted friend! This is to get there honest opinion as my head cant understand why my so called friends are treated me this way! I just look the wiredo all the time! Examples of some of the ways I've been hurt buy my family and friends over the years! Firstly me and my cousin were very close always hung out together yet she asked are other cousin to be her bridesmaid, the sly gel crafty one who I could write a book on the stuff she has done! But nobody would believe me, again it's Nat the bitch slagging people of as always! Am always the bitter gel one! In people's eyes! Even though I am a very loving person fall in love with people so easily. I always get hurt make bad choices in friends my so called best friend recently been slagging me of to my brother! Yet I've forgiven her over the years for how she's treated me! It's always me who travels to see everyone always have! Nobody ever does it back! Another friend dropped me when I had server depression after I had my third son! She didn't want me bursting her bubble as she just had a baby girl! Fast forward five or six years! I wrote to her we spoke about the past she told me she was sorry that she hadn't understanding how to help or what was up me! I suffer gender disorder! Anyway we made friends I went up to her daughter birthday party her Christmas party! She never invited me to any of the nights out with all the old group! I ended up breaking my knee! I texted my friends none of them was there for me! My so called best friend has still not seen me! I do all the chasing with my friends! The friend who dropped me after my third son cancelled two year in a row my sons birthday party! And mine most stupid excuses! This really really hurts, I go on face book see pictures her with her new friend going on picnics nights out picture with all the presents she has bought her! So when my cousin said you have no friends because you slag every one of! No not st all am a loyal friend try so hard with friends people but people always take the piss out of my good nature nobody will go out for my birthday come see me when am ill! Because am a soft touch I've never been the cool one my brothers still take the piss out of me now! My mum and dad have goes at me if there not happy something I've done or not done! Because I never stand up for myself! This eats me up my other cousins are all coop confident girls they have a massive following! Not me no matter how hard I've tried! I have a three good friends two have moved away now! My other two I don't see often but they are genuinely nice ladies! Not like the friends I've had in the past! There the ones who only have friends running around after them never there for me! Yet they would be there for there other friends because they no if they wasn't they would fall out with them, were I'd just keep forgiving! Well not anymore hence why I don't have many friends! Because now I have dropped them am not being hurt any more am not begging for friends anymore! I just don't get why am treated like this! Maybe am too honest too needy have to many problems I don't know the answer! Me and my sister in law were good friends always went out together! I even turned a blind eye to her kissing a guy in front me! Because am loyal and a trusted friend! However soon as I moved she dropped me for her new friends didn't even invite me on her hen do! Pinched my idea for my wedding! Guess what I still forgave her she stole stuff of me in the past still forgave her! Same with my best friend till the slagging me of to my brother! I hate myself have my whole life I live very unhappy life! Now I no I must be mentally ill because nobody else likes me ither! I wish I was everyone but myself wish I had everybody else's life but my own ! I've done lots of online test that indicates I have BPD and serve dyslexia! I also grieve for a DD and this messes me up! Am a girlie girl! I don't understand boys! I love them all but feel angry why haven't I got a girl! Why am I always cursed with bad luck! I have days I cry were I can't breathe! When I can't cope with a situation at home with the kids or partner I cry go hysterical! I talk to friends about my troubled relationship and home life for advice! Not to slag anyone off if I can't understand why or what to do! I am certainly no bitch! Of course I have a bitch from time to time! Good god am only human but as for me being this horrible person who slags Everyone of not the case! Am so like my mum she is the same! We're vey honest so if someone hurts us we speak out! The quite sly ones who have all friends! We're your heart on your sleeve and your a bitch! Am like an open book tell everyone everything. My mum would call my dad to use growing up because she couldn't cope with his drinking! I do it my partner I speak openly if am pissed of with someone who has hurt me or I feel as wronged me! So I guess I will always be the bad guy the bitch! Say nothing but fake sweet stuff everyone will love you be your friend! But I can't be like that am to honest! I feel am going mad am so damaged in my head from life the life's exsperences and choices I've made! Am a 36 year old in married women with four boys! Only ever wanted a daughter! I've dreamed of getting married since being a small girl still not happened nobody wants to know nobody is interested! I can't organise anything what I've read sounds like because of the dyslexia! Maybe I come across as poor me but not always had happy times threw out my life! Just what life throws at you! I want to make my life happy and good! I don't know how I struggle to get out the house now all my kids are at school! As I've been a stay at home mum for 14 years! So this doesn't help meeting and making friends!

[NatalieMariaD]

Thank you for understanding muddling threw! My friend who is the nurse her brother has only just been diagnosed with austsum he is 36 she herself never new what was wrong. She has never assed me or her brother. That reply at the bottom was for tilkypoo. Again thank you muddling tree xxx

[NatalieMariaD]

Sorry muddlingthoughtoo. X

[coco1810]

Sorry, but what is normal? You seem to have a lot of outside forces: A partner that calls you a nutjob, "best friends" who talk about you, cousins who to be frank sound vile. In my opinion, you would be best cutting those out of your life!

Keep seeing the GP and take any therapy they offer you. Why did they offer you CBT? Have you tried getting in contact with sure start? Or are your children still under a health visitor or the school nurse, again they may be able to put you in touch with someone who can offer coping strategies.

My DS is dyslexic, and I can completely get your frustration. How were you diagnosed? Have you thought about going back to college and getting those basic skills under your belt

[coughingbean]

Natalie, please stop reading online stuff and go see a gp.
really tell the how you feel. Be honest and they should signpost/refer you.
I have BPD. And through therapy have met many more with the same diagnosis.
We are all different and our "illness" manifests in different ways.
Google is not your answer x

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

Actually, I would argue that diagnostic labels and the biomedical model is absolutely not the best way to treat those of us who suffer with mental health problems. It is absolute bollocks and doesnt acknowledge the trauma or adversity that we have lived through.

There is no sound scientific evidence to support that mental distress has a biological cause. And by medicalising it we invalidate what the sufferer has experienced and subject them to a lifetime of stigma for good measure.

Anyone who thinks you can walk in a doctors office, receive a bpd label, take a magic pill and be all better is utterly bonkers. Its perhaps the most damaging label out there maybe after schizophrenia.

Op if you are suffering, think about what would help. Talking therapy? Relationships? Employment? Hobbies? Sleep? And think about how you can seek that support. But please dont seek a bpd label. It can be so damaging.

[Rinoachicken]

Tinklypoo is right. I was diagnosed with BPD in 2005 in my mid twenties. I didn't get onto the STEPPS program until 2 years ago.

There is so much stigma around this 'label', much of it from health professionals themselves. You will be written off 9 times out of 10, not offered help.

STEPPS has been life changing for me but it's not a cure. There were 9 others on the course with me and we all manifested the illness differently (though there were plenty of common themes/experiences as well). I would say there are only 3 out of the ten of us who have the self awareness and power of thought that you need to put the skills we learned into practice on a day to day basis.

There is not magic pill or cure for this. It is an illness you have to learn and above all WANT to self manage. How well you manage the illness (and it's potentially catastrophic effects on your own life and those around you) depends almost solely on how much effort you put in. It takes constant self analysis, challenging your own thinking errors and perceptions, learning your triggers and filters and learning new coping mechanisms. It's exhausting. And you have to do it constantly.

But to me it's worth it for the sake of my husband and children. And my job. And the few friendships I do manage to maintain.

Don't chase alt his diagnosis unless you are serious about firstly fighting for the DBT/STEPPS therapy and secondly are prepared to be your own critic, without excuse or apology, to police and keep in check your emotions for the rest of your life.

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

There is not magic pill or cure for this. It is an illness you have to learn and above all WANT to self manage. How well you manage the illness (and it's potentially catastrophic effects on your own life and those around you) depends almost solely on how much effort you put in. It takes constant self analysis, challenging your own thinking errors and perceptions, learning your triggers and filters and learning new coping mechanisms. It's exhausting. And you have to do it constantly.

This. People with BPD essentially have to learn 'normal' emotional responses to certain situations. It's always done consciously, and constantly, and with any luck those behaviours will become second nature in time.

I was rediagnosed with BPD after having a bipolar diagnosis for well over 10 years. I choose not to tell people about it due to the ENORMOUS amount of negativity surrounding BPD. It's not a label I ever wanted.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

For goodness sakes, stop taking online tests and go to the doctors. Then actually follow through on what you are offered. Counselling is the first step towards dealing with anything; how do you think you'll have time to work on recovering if you do have BPD if you can't commit to the six or twelve sessions of counselling?

Rather than focusing on a label, focus on improving your outlook on life, and how you feel about yourself.

[NatalieMariaD]

If you read my original thread the counsellor moved to a new job I have to wait for a new one back on the list! Nobody's is asking you nasty oppoioin voldys! I start to open up to the past counsellor but how can you tell them everything in fear they think am nuts and take my children away! So I keep it played down. My friend told me this be careful what you tell them so it's very hard to get help. I started to open up to the last one before she moved she say if am a danger to myself or kids I'd be secstiond. Joke really is so how you get better and support is behold me. Hence why I tried this private forum! Lots of greive. I didn't know how to write I thread for surtain, areas am new. Sorry to have troubled anyone. Goodness me.

[FlissMumsnet]

At the OP's request, we've moved this thread into Mental Health

[exWifebeginsat40]

i'm diagnosed with BPD. it isn't a way of explaining irrational behaviour. i got my diagnosis at 41 and it explained everything. i had an appalling childhood and never learned appropriate emotional responses.

getting a diagnosis of BPD is tough. the mental health trust where i live has no money at all for therapy. i go to a weekly support group run by MIND, but that's the extent of it.

you need to see your GP in the first instance. you will need an assessment by a psychiatrist. you cannot diagnose from online tests.

[exWifebeginsat40]

sorry, that was confusing. my diagnosis explained why my life has been so chaotic and marred with addiction, mental illness and failed relationships. i knew i'd had a bad childhood, but had no idea why i was constantly feeling completely out of control.

since my diagnosis, if i ask for therapy i have insight and don't need it. if i present in crisis it is assumed i am overreacting to something because of my BPD. it's fucking exhausting.

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

since my diagnosis, if i ask for therapy i have insight and don't need it. if i present in crisis it is assumed i am overreacting to something because of my BPD. it's fucking exhausting.

Every fucking time. Honestly. If you require any kind of useful ongoing treatment, or urgent crisis treatment, a BPD diagnosis slams a lot of doors in your face.

[NatalieMariaD]

I think mine has a lot to do with my child hood! Very disfunstional violent home. Definitely scared to completely open up these health professionals don't need much excuse to take your children away. I heard to many stories documentary etc.

[Rinoachicken]

tinklypoo

[AliceScarlett]

HowcanI and Tinkly I could not agree more. I used to fit the "criteria" for bpd and now I'm a mental health professional. A lot of DBT and trauma focused therapy helped me through. Bpd is such a damaging label, especially where the appropriate treatment isn't available.

[Rinoachicken]

If you think you have BPD then you need to ask your GP to refer you to the mental health team. But it takes a LONG time to be diagnosed as BPD and some health professionals won't put it on paper regardless because of the stigma attached to it within the health profession and the doors it will close to you.

If you DO get diagnosed as BPD, it's not a magic wand. You won't be referred for DBT or STEPPS if they don't think you will commit to it. They need to believe you are ready to confront your own behaviours, thinking errors and reactions, recognise them as dysfunctional and be prepared and willing to challenge and change those behaviours.

Unfortunately many sufferers of BPD never get to this point. They are too inward looking; it is the rest of the world put to get them. Sadly, it is their own thought processes and responses, caused by the illness that is the real threat, and it can only be tamed (not eliminated!) by looking inwards critically and examining YOURSELF.

If you think you are always the reasonable one, always the victim, that it's everyone else that's the problem; if you are waiting and hoping for some professional to come along and fix it for you; then you will never succeed and it's just a waste of everyone's time.

[Clonakilty]

I don't know whether or not you have it, but you sound very unhappy. I am sorry for you. There is very little help for BPD unless you can pay for it. I had a wonderful therapist who worked with me for years. Because of it I am high- functioning, working full time and can have a normal life, to all intents and purposes. There is no obvious medication for it, unfortunately. But my experience has been positive throughout; no one has pigeon-holed me or made me feel inferior. I have had the diagnosis for over 20 years now and I am pleased with what I have managed to achieve in that time. It is possible to overcome the illness and not let it dictate your life, but it is always there, in my opinion, bubbling below the surface.
Please go to your GP in the first instance if you have a good one. There are some good people out there. Don't self-diagnose - no good can come of it.

[howcanikeepdoingthis]

Im sorry Rino but I strongly disagree with what you are saying. It is that kind of bullshit that really damages people. You are laying the blame at the individual with the label. 'Thinking errors, dysfunctional behaviour, them against the world' etc. It is so invalidating. Many people who end up with this label have experienced trauma. How is it fair to blame their response to abuse. What the hell would be a rational response to abuse. In many cases they have repeatedly been the victim and now they enter a system where they are told their response to this is an 'illness.' Im sorry but its bullshit. There is not one single biomedical marker to support bpd. There are 256 different presentations and over 75% diagnosed are women. There are very few recommended treatments. It is presented as medical science but it isnt. Its not reliable or valid.

Im not doubting that people are distressed and need entensive support and therapy. Perhaps the label of bpd is the gateway to that in our current system.

But I have to argue that your points are completely unjust and invalidating what survivors have been through. I know a lot of service users and never have I met anyone who hasnt made meaning to their distress from what they have experienced.

[Rinoachicken]

howcani

That's not my intention at all. I have BPD and I believe I developed the disorder because of the trauma I experienced as a child. I am not to blame for my disorder and I am not to blame for what happened to me.

But the disorder itself ALTERS the pathways of the brains that respond to certain situations. When you are in a trauma situation those responses are normal and keep you safe. But when are no longer in that situation they are harmful, to yourself and others. They keep you living in fear when there is no longer a reason to be afraid. The brain CAN be retaught a more appropriate response, but that is down to the sufferer themselves because it takes learning and skills. And desire to do so.

I use the words thinking errors etc because that is how my CPN described it to me and I found it helpful. It reminds me that when I am having a thought about someone that is based upon a historic filter from my past that has been triggered, that that thought/emotional response is an ERROR, it is not a reasonable response to the current situation. I can then challenge it and bring myself relief from the destructive thought cycle. This is what STEPPS teaches you and it has helped me and many other BPD sufferers immensely.

It's not about blame. None is to blame for their disorder and I never said they were to blame. But BPD is destructive to more than just the individual. There is treatment out there that can bring relief for the sufferer and their families. Once you understand and accept that your extreme and sometimes damaging emotional responses are NOT reasonable in the CURRENT situation, why would you not want to do something to change that?

That's got nothing to do with blaming someone for their illness. Like I said, I suffered trauma myself, I am not to blame for that. I believe that trauma caused me to develop BPD. Again that is not my fault. But if I know I have this illness that can be life threatening to myself and damaging to my family, and if I know it CAN be managed with practice, why would I not do that??

[Rinoachicken]

Just wanted to pick up this bit again to clarify:

How is it fair to blame their response to abuse. What the hell would be a rational response to abuse

That's my point. It's any response is valid to abuse, but as an adult I am not longer being abused and therefore my abuse-reaction is no longer valid in the CURRENT situation.

Ill give you an example:

a colleague at work expresses disbelief at something I have told them, not because they don't believe me but because what I have said is so astonishing and people often respond by saying wow that's unbelievable etc.

I interpret their response as them saying I'm lying. That triggers an extreme anger response in me because I was disbelieved as a child. That would be totally inappropriate in the circumstances.

So I recon use that I'm feeling a strong response, and I know that one of my filters has been triggered. So I can have an internal dialogue with myself. 'Ok, I am angry because I think X is calling me a liar. That makes me angry because I was called a liar when I was being abused. THAT IS OK TO BE ANGRY ABOUT THAT. But X has not said I am lying about my abuse, X is just expressing amazement about what I have told them, therefore anger is not the appropriate response NOW.

That's what STEPPS is. Does that clarify what is was rubbish my trying to explain?