Angry, tearful and generally feeling inadequate

[Roskva]

I had a horrendous birth experience with dd, but we both came out of it okay, and I thought I had dealt with it and moved on. Dd was induced early because a scan at 38 weeks appeared to show that she had stopped growing and was under 5lbs. I went into labour normally following the induction, and everything was fine until the pushing stage, when I just couldn't get her out. After 3 hours of pushing for all I was worth, scans showed that she was the right way round, engaged, but not moving, and tests on me showed that I was developing problems, so I ended up having an emergency c-section. Dd was actually a healthy 6lb13, and I was happy that my baby was fine, and I would mend. I had a lot of support from my family and my MW, and I thought I was fine.

Today I was proved wrong. I was at a mother and baby group, and a young woman expecting twins came along. She wanted to hear other people's birth stories, but only if they were good, so I just sat there, listening. Later in a shop with my baby, the shop assistant commented that her daughter had not long had a baby, delivered by c-section, and made a comment about more women having sections today. I nearly bit her head off, pointing out in no uncertain terms that not all of choose to have a section, and that a healthly baby was the most important to me.

I've been unable to get it out of my mind since then, and if I'm honest, I'm not okay about, at least, not at the moment, because I feel like something has been taken away, or that I've been deprived of something precious, and that I'm inadequate because I couldn't give birth naturally. Don't get me wrong, I have a beautiful daughter and I love her more than anything, but because of me she had a rather traumatic entry into this world. I'm just really angry with myself that it had to be like that. The strength of my reaction today really surprised me, I guess I have managed to block things out really effectively.

Anyway hopefully acknowledging my feelings will help. And I probably need someone to give me a good kick up the backside and tell me that there are worse things that could have happened. Just wish I could stop the tears running down my face as I write.

Thank you for your kind words, Graciemae. It is good to know that I am not alone. I can only imagine how you must have felt, too. I'm feeling a lot more rational today, and I look at dd and I know that I would not have done anything differently because her well-being is the most important thing for me.

It sounds like you had great care from your MW. It still is all very new, 16 weeks is no time at all and although it's a cliche, time is a great healer. I had a lot of problems with B feeding and it broke my heart when I had to give up with both ds and dd (i'm sure it was the trigger for PND) but as time has gone on I find I can finally see a mum B feeding without having to leave the room in tears or coming home and crying - and that's taken almost three years. You're still so sensitive about having a c section but I'm sure in time you'll gain more perspective and will be able to cope with mentions of it without feeling like an emotional wreck! If you can look at it in the best possible light; that all those professionals were making decisions to keep you and dd as safe as possible then that might help. And learn to ignore comments made by interfering/well meaning but mis informed others -if this is your first baby then this will become as much a skill of motherhood as learning to do everything with one hand is! I hope that doesn't come across as patronising as it sounds

BTW your very obvious love and adoration for your dd is making me VERY broody and that's not good news!

thanks, Gracie. DD is 16 weeks and doing absolutely fine - she's my little angel. During her birth I felt in control until the room filled up with people asking me to sign consent forms. I remember thinking that if the obstetrics registrar was dragging her consultant out of bed in the middle of the night for me, then things were going horribly wrong. My MW spent a lot of time encouraging me to talk about it afterwards, because I had put in my birth plan that I was terrified of the idea of an epidural or a section, and ended up having both, but I think that then it was too close to the event for me to get my head round it. I'm trying to focus on dd - the fact that she didn't have the problems that caused the obstetrician to induce me in the first place is fantastic.

oh roskva, I don't think you need a kick up the backside at all - you went through a frightening and traumatic birth where you must have felt completely out of control. how old is your daughter now, when did this happen? It sounds like you really need to talk it all through with someone, perhaps a HV who would be (hopefully) impartial and supportive and able to offer the help you clearly need to move on and to forgive yourself.
It's shocking sometimes when things we think we've dealt with resurface, be kind to yourself, you did everything you possibly could have done - pushing for 3 hours? Well done you!
Try and get some support, enjoy your lovely daughter, am sending a big hug your way x