I don't love my new baby yet - he's 9 weeks old

[stefcee]

I know I don't love my new baby. He is my second son and my elder son is 2 1/2 and is an angel - my best friend.
This new baby was such a wanted pregnancy, especially after suffering a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy in 2002. I had massive problems at the beginning of this one with bleeding until 16 weeks, then I had very painfull SPD which began at just 22 weeks. Finally he arrived at 39 weeks by emergency c-section after I attended a hospital appointment during which it was discovered he had turned into a breech position at 39 weeks - and whilst I was actually at the appointment my contractions started so the consultant immediately arranged the c-section. I had only about an hour to prepare mentally that he was coming NOW - not in another week or two, and he was coming by c-section not vaginally as I had been anticipating for the previous 39 weeks.
Now he's here and almost constantly crying. My eldest son was in a brilliant routine from day dot, sleeping 7 hours at 4 weeks, smiling at 3 weeks. My newest son still only sleeps 4-6 hours max at night, almost constantly crys when awake - I just have this overwhelming feeling that I have done the wrong thing having this baby. My eldest son has found me in floods of tears when I just can't hack the crying anymore. I just want to walk out and leave but I know I can't. My family don't live close by and my husband doesn't help when he comes in the door from work and starts moaning that the house is untidy or that something pathetic like that. I just feel so down at the moment and really didn't expect to be feeling like this. I know all babies are different, but he is like the exact opposite to my eldest son.
Sometimes I feel like I just wish I hadn't had him. I don't feel any bond what so ever - the c-section didn't help because I didn't hold him for nearly 1 1/2 hours after he was born, and so far I've only had about 3 smiles out of him.
Am I mad or do I have PND? I just keep wishing the time away and waiting for the love to come.

Stefcee, I entirely sympathise and am glad you are seeing the GP and also agree about CO.

My ds was unplanned, and only 17 mths older than dd. although d was a nightmsre baby, the one thing i could do to quieten her was cudle her ( I still have memories of 3am walks up and down the bedroom to try and get her to sleep!)

Ds was so different - if i pickd him up it only made matters worse and I REALLY resented him for a while for taking my time away from dd, who was an angel at the time, especially as he was unplanned ( I had thoguht a 4 year age gap sensible!).

BUT you will get through this. Ds is now nearly 4 and just so cute and cuddly its unbelievable. i love him so much and could spend all night just watching him sleep. He is now the angel, and dd the nightmare, but i am sure it will change again. I love them both dearly but I like them differently at different times

Keep your chin up and take all the support you can get and before you know it they will be at school!

How did you get on at the doctors, stefcee?

I didn't go! I went along to my ds1 toddler group this morning and basically opened up to a couple of the other mums - we then spent the next 2 hours talking through our experiences and I think it really really helped. The more we chatted, the more mums overheard and joined in and I would say that 5 out of the six who ended up in the conversation had been at some point after having their kids in exactly the same situation as me. I have now got offers of help from a few of them to come round and help out with new baby, or for just a coffee and a chat with another adult, or for my ds1 to go over for play dates just so I can spend time on my own with new baby. I came away feeling so much better and by the time the appointment was due at the doctors I just didn't think it was necessary to go as to me it felt like the 'grey clouds' had started to lift. I don't confess that I think I am anywhere near being better about how I feel and I certainly haven't had a sudden rush of love for my new baby - its just I've talked through my emotions face to face with someone who has actually been there, done it, and now has come out the other side with positive words to give me. If I do feel like I need to see the GP then I will (and I have no doubt that I will go eventually) but today was good and it wouldn't have felt right to kind of undo these feelings by seeing the GP.
I'll keep on Mumsnet though as this was the breakthrough I was looking for. Through speaking out just 2 days ago I have managed to tell my husband exactly how I feel and how cr8ppy I have been feeling and how coming home from work and telling me the house is a mess really isn't helping! He seemed a bit shocked to be honest (man-blindness I think).
Thanks to all who read my plea and contributed - I'll come back for help from you if I need it - promise!
xx

stefcee - well done for talking about it. I have to say that - as well as feeling for you, right now - I also find this thread sad because it's so clear that so many people go through this but, as far as I'm aware, we don't really talk about it. I don;t think anyone, possibly not even dh, really knew how hard I found those first few months - even now, when I talk about it I emphasise the physical difficulties - the usual juggling toddler and baby and getting some sleep thing - not the emotional difficulties - which are so much more important. ANd even now (dds are 6 and 4) I don;t think I've really spoken to anyone in rl about it. It's just too hard to declare your hand nad say "I'm not bonding" - it's ok to say virtually anything else about your own "shortcomings" but not that. At least with mn we all know we're normal! I'm really glad you had this talk - there's nothing to beat the support of people close by - when I look back I think maybe I could have let more people know the extent to which I was struggling. really well done you.

I havent read all this thread, but I think I felt something similar after the birth of my second son. I also had experienced a second trimester miscarriage previous to being pregnant with him, so I suffered from a lot of anxiety up til his birth. I think perhaps having a ceasrean makes a little bit of a difference in the bonidng process ( I have two) My DS 2 is 5 months now and I feel the bond growing as he becomes more of a little person. I also find singing lulabies helps bonding.

Oh heavens I feel for you soooooo much. It took me months to start relating to my DS in anything other than having to make sure he was fed and clean and dry. Now like your DS1 he is my life and I love him so much my heart aches some days.

The first weeks are incredibly hard and the fact that your DH is not helping at all really isn't on and he should be!!

I do think that PND might be a factor - can you talk to your HV or GP? No you are not mad - there are a lot of women who feel exactly the same way, so your not alone either.

Hope it gets sorted soon

H x

thread hijack:

Is there anyone else out there who still doens't feel that they have bonded wih their child? I've read thread after thread like this and the general answer seems to be - gie it time once they are a bit older it will happen. How old is a bit older? DS is now 18 months and if I was 100% honest I don't love him. I'd feel sad if he was hurt - the same way I do when i watch a sad film or see a bird thats been run over. But people keep saying things like, you must miss him (I don't) but its worth it when they give you a smile etc (it isn't) Oh you're just tired (well yes I am but it doesn't matter how much sleep/rest/me time I get I don't love him or feel any sort of bond)

Been to my GP and they told me I was depressed, of course i'm bloody depressed. Think about all the tiring/boring things that having a toddler entials, now imagine you honestly don't feel any warmth or joy in any of it.
So I am getting up any time from 3am onwards (always up by 6am) constantly washing up/tidying, constantly worried and anxiuos about whether I'm doing the right thing for DS, my relationship with DH is on the rocks cos we're both so tired and angry, clothes and possessoins are continually getting wrecked, the house is a tip, I failed this year of my degree - all because I now have responsibility for a baby/toddler.

Wouldn't you be depressed if your life was like that?

I read THUD (terry pratchet) last night and cried, he writes about how the central character (Sam Vimes) feels about his little boy - I don;t feel any of that, I don't have the impulse to watch him sleep or any of those misty eyed moments.

Oh and before any asks he is a curious, happy, active, charming, engaging, independant little boy. Despite the early mornigns he does sleep 7am - 5/6am most days and 2 hrs at lunchtime. He has no disabilities, frankly most of my friends adore him, its just me and Dh who don't.

riab - it really does sound like depression - feeling no joy and warmth is one of the key features of depression, and it's soul-destroying. we all need joy and warmth. What did your doctor suggest to tackle it? I had a bout (pre-children) and I went on ADs and had counselling and it turned me round. In answer to your question, I couldn;t put a date on when I realised I had bonded with dd - it was such a gradual thing - there was no great moment that marked it. But possibly still, at 18 months I felt less close to her than dd1. But I don;t think waiting for somtheing to change is the right approach for you - tackling the depression is. If you weren't offered ADs and counselling (I was led to believe that it's best to have both) go back to your GP.

i felt just like you about my ds (now 6) riab. and i developed huge anxieties over whether to have a second child - i felt i was denying my ds a sibling but equally, i wasn't enjoying the first so why make things worse? in the end, after counselling, i braved it and we are very glad i did. however, i continued to have a 'phobic anxiety disorder' related to all sorts of other things and so after much cbt, am on meds to treat this. Though in general i'm very happy now, and not at all anxious, i still don't feel anything very warm towards my ds. dd is very different and we are v loving to each other. i can't do anything much about it but it's such a shame. he's considered to be a lovely boy by all friends/family but he displays no affectionate behaviour at all. maybe he's just a boy...

Hope things are OK with you,Stefcee