Any tips on how to get a more positive outlook without spending a fortune in therapy?

[bumbleweed]

Cant even be bothered to change my name. Am finding this parenting thing really hard work.

My 1 year old dd cries alot and wakes me during the night. She is currently very clingy and wants to bf all the time like a newborn. She doesnt get enough sleep during the day and gets tired and whingey and fussy.

She barely eats any solid food and I am constantly trying to think of things she might eat but they get chucked on the floor. I cant get a dinner cooked for our family because she needs so much attention during the day. So we rarely eat together at tea time because she is so tired and then that cant be helping her eating can it?

I cant change the sleeping, eating, temperament thing, I know this after 12 months of puzzling. The only thing I can change is my outlook and approach as it is all getting on top of me and every day I either cry or fight back tears or feel helpless in some way.

Can anyone give me a few ideas to just help myself get back to my more positive self?

yes, the hugababy is quite padded.

you know your DD sounds like my DD1 was back then. Tracey Hogg calls them "spirited" children. They can be hard hard work, especially with the sleep deprivation going on.

Can I tell you I wouldn't swap her for anything now (well I wouldn't have then either, but I did look kind of enviously on my friend's model children iykwim) - she is the most fantastic child, engaging, still challenging but in a really stimulating way now that she can communicate well and be reasoned with - still doesn't eat too well but hey, i've given up worrying - the child is thriving ...

there is light at the end of your tunnel

I remember that some other (few) parents I knew who also had tricky kids (some with food, some with sleep, not so many with both issues like my DD1 and yours have) used to love meeting up with me cos we could all just be honest about how crap it all was. I think you need to meet someone you can just talk to like that...

do you have any close friends (who you knew pre-baby) with babies of similar ages? it was with women who I had known before kids that I found more honesty about stuff like this with....

lol tribpot

giraffeski, great suggestion I am going to do the 3 positive things and start tonight: - dd ate 3 spoons of soup, dd enjoyed going on the swings at the park, we had fun rolling around on the floor and tickling each other

yes and it does help hearing about demanding babies turning into lovely lovely children, although as a first time parent its so hard to picture your own child being even at the very next stage of development!

thanks for the other messages too

Buy a copy of the "Feeling good Handbook". It is CBT in a nutshell, and should help you challege any negative thought. It is recommended by "Mind"
It does sound like you are having a bad time, but try and remeber it all passes.I know you will probably want to thump me for saying that, but My mum used to say it to me when my son was being awkward, and it is really true....

Have a soak in the bath every night with some geranium essential oil, it smells delicious, to get some 'me' time (hopefully with no-one demanding any attention) and as geranium oil is a natural anti depressant it is very uplifting (it has been my saviour).

My DD1 is a spirited child and I went through what you have gone through, she would sleep for no more than an hour at a time day or night and bf constantly. I eventually sleep trained her at 6 months out of desperation, despite my gut instincts, and it was the best thing I have ever done. She was transformed from our 'grumpy baby' into a much happier child. She is still spirited but she has slept from 7.30pm to 7am since then, with the odd glitch, and at 2 she is a delight.

Apparently teaching your baby to sleep is one of the most important things you can ever do for them and it needs to be done before they are 18 months for the life long benefits to be seen. One benefit is apparently they do much better at school and on TV tonight it was discussed that children who get a good nights sleep are less likely to be overweight.

It is very tough to let your baby cry as a mother but in this case I do believe it is being cruel to be kind. You can't give in or it's back to square 1. My DD1 was trained within 1 week but it may take longer when they are older as personality becomes an issue, they let you know when they don't like it. It really is worth it, our lives were transformed.

I can't help with the sleeping/eating problems as I'm still new to all this and have very little sleep myself! But with regards to helping yourself feel more positive I used this online CBT (think someone mentioned it earlier) which helped me: moodgym.anu.edu.au
It takes a bit a time which I know will be difficult for you to find, but it might help.

oh sorry missed the latest messages on this thread because they didnt come on the 'threads I'm on' list, so sorry for not responding sooner

littletoadstool, thank you so much for posting that 'moodgym' link it looks really interesting, I am going to wait until dd is asleep one evening and have a really good look at it - I think that was the kind of thing I was looking for, something I can actually 'do' about how I feel rather than about the situation itself

fizzbuz thanks also for the book suggestion - I will see if my library have it in

nolembit, I will try geranium thanks for the suggestion, I usually use lavender because I just love the smell so much and it is calming, and geranium is a bit more stinky, but I didnt know about its antidepressant properties

with regards to the sleep thing, I didnt really want to start the whole 'you should do controlled crying' thing because personally I just believe it is wrong and I couldnt put my dd through that emotional agony which could ruin the trust in our relationship

Glad you feel it worked for you though

I agree that getting enough sleep really is important but I dont see how you can just say
"Apparently teaching your baby to sleep is one of the most important things you can ever do for them and it needs to be done before they are 18 months for the life long benefits to be seen"

Surely nature intends us all to be able to sleep when we are developmentally ready to, and parents can help in a variety of ways - we chose to do it by cuddling and feeding her to sleep while she is still young and doesnt understand everything we are telling her.

To be honest it upsets me when people suggesting that we are somehow harming her by doing this. I really didnt want to get into the sleep thing on this thread for that reason.

I had a nightmare with DS (Chronic eczema from 3mths until about 15mths). He wouldn't sleep unless I lay down and he lay on top of me. This came about because his eczema was so chronically infected we were under strict instructions to stop him scratching and I had to hold him at night all night to achieve this. He then couldn't sleep without this type of hold.

I got very ill at times and the lack of sleep was crippling. I got double vision and could hardly function. DS also has sever allergies and as a consequence big issues with food so i totally understand how that makes you feel.

DD came along and she was better than DS (that couldn't be hard) but having had three bereavements in quick succession I struggled with depression. What I find invaluable is to spend a few hours walking in the daylight with DD in buggy. She whines as well but eventually she quitens down or falls asleep. If she falls asleep I go to a cafe and have a cup of coffee and feel even better after this. Every day is a struggle to be honest but things do get easier and even DS who was the msot horendous sleeper eventually learn to sleep on his own and I physically feel much better.

Not sure if any of this is any help....

drosophilia, that sounds like it was really really hard work with your ds and his eczema and sleeping - yur must have gone through a really bad time, and 3 bereavements in a row thats really really sad

glad you are through the worst of it all now though

can I ask how did your ds eventually learn to go to sleep on his own?

It took untill we could reason with him. He was probably about 3. He still likes us to lie with him for 5 mins but I like that too.

I think you can't understimate the effect sleeplessness can have on you and I really wish people would be more supportive. I got such a bad ear infection during this period (blood seeping from my ear and burst eardrum) that I now have tinnitus. I went to the docs with double vision and I was told I was stressed and that I should get some sleep.

If I had this time over I would DEMAND some help from unwilling relatives just so that I could catch up with sleep or do something that would make me feel better. You have got to ask for some help even if you feel selfish.

I'm sorry if I offended you with the suggestion of sleep training, I didn't mean to. It is important to do what you feel is best for your child. I am new to the site and am therefore ignorant of any of your previous threads on this issue, sorry to have upset you.

I don't advocate that sleep training is the only way to go, as I said I was really uneasy about doing it, but at the end of the day I knew that we had to do something as I couldn't continue to exist on less than an hour at a times sleep. I was a danger driving and therefore to my child, I was also becoming physically ill and I realised that if I didn't try something my child would suffer as I could barely function.

It did work despite my misgivings and having gone through it I can say from experience that it doesn't appear to have had any negative effects on my DD1, only positive ones, I have always been there for my children. I have been with them everyday of their lives, all day, comforted them when they need it, carried them when they couldn't walk, breastfed until they self weaned, shared a bed for the first 6 months of their lives and generally cushioned them from hurt or harm wherever possible.

With regards the 'facts' regarding the importance of teaching your child to sleep these are just gleaned from scientific studies and not my personal opinion.

I hope at least the tip about the geranium oil works.

nolembit, no worries.

Please also dont think I intended any criticism of your having done sleep training, you absolutely dont need to justify here everything you have done for your children, although by the way, that sounds absolutely fantastic, because you know yourself what is best for your own children, and can also see the results of all the choices you have made .

For me personally, I have also read information from psychologists who believe the other side of the coin with regard to sleep training - and weighing up the evidence on both sides of the argument I decided to go with my gut instinct and am very clear about my decision, bloody difficult though it is to carry out as well.

Have you tried co sleeping?

bumbleweed, I did seem a bit defensive - sorry. I guess it comes from when DD1 was not sleeping and constantly feeding while everyone elses little angels were sleeping through the night and feeding every four hours.

It makes you wonder if you are the only one being honest when everyone else you talk too seems to be have perfect babies.

Hope everything works out for you and that you start feeling more positive soon.

bumbleweed, we had a limpety baby (in fact that is still her nick name), and it was exhausting! Especially as there is only a 16mth gap between her and her big brother, and he was really easy, so it came as a big surprise. I suspect that part of the reason she was difficult was because I was very tired with having the two of them so close together. I escaped into work, and it did me the world of good (dd got limpety with her nanny too - she is a very "people" person) but I do remember the months when she had to be jiggled for hours before she finally went to sleep at night. Now at 6 she is delightful, and has really been a very easy little girl ever since she started sleeping properly (her brother on the other hand has been challenging ever since.. ) I can't remember how old she was before the sleeping thing really kicked in properly, and we did do a fair bit of controlled crying (although as she was a steady cryer, as opposed to a scream for 5 mins and then crash, I don't think it worked very well). I would second the use of essential oils, I particularly like mandarin, as it is quite uplifting, I usually mix it with chamomile and lavender, and have it in the bath, or on a "hotty botty" by my pillow. I also used the lavender/chamomile combination for dd (again on a hotty botty) and I think that it worked (at least it made me feel more relaxed in her bedroom!). There is nothing worse than feeling exhausted, and you have my every sympathy.

nooka thanks for the supportive message

it really does help to hear about other babies who have been really hard work but have turned out really nice and whose mothers have got through it relatively unscathed

feeling a bit better these last few days, as dd eating a bit more, for some reason when we dont give her her own food but give her tit bits from our plates. very clingy still, but have bought a new sling a hip carrier and used it twice already round the house.