drug free ways to stop anxiety

[nearlythree]

Have had an awful day, and feeling really bad. I'm too anxious to let the dds do anything, we are all bored and stressed and I feel like the worse mummy on earth and that they'd all be better off without me.

My main fear is of the dds getting sick again, esp. dd2, and giving something to ds.

How do I deal with this?

Thanks nearly3 - I have ds & dd 2.10 and a ds 10yo its better now, as I can see the light at the end of a tunnel, but I still get sad when I see newborns, that I don't remember! my hv has never taken to me, I think cause I'm an older mummy she probably thinks I know it all and I didn't need any help, I'm sure I would have opened up if she'd have asked.

I have Homestart who are a godsend, I couldn't do without them. It makes it so I can get on with housework or just sit and chat.

I'm glad you've had positive feedback from your hv makes a big difference just having that verbal support!

I too hate it when mum's take their toddlers to groups when obviously have infections/colds, then who's kiddie hasn't over the winter months, it just frightens me and puts me off, but yes it all adds to their imunity.

Oh well, next dilema, we are putting twins in own beds tomorrow night, first time by themselves, we have really messed this last parenting up in alot of ways and this is a biggie!

We have made a big thing encouraging twins, letting them choose own bedding/accesories so far so good, proof in the pie tomorrow.

Sleepysooz, good luck with the sleep! I have screwed up twice with that, both dds were over two before they learned to go to bed on their own and dd2 has been getting us up at 3 for the past week. Ds is a fab sleeper and I am so determined not to let him get into bad habits! Are you doing gradual withdrawl? That's what worked for us in the end.

I've seen on the smacking thread you were asking about discipline. It's so hard, isn't it? Dd1 was such an easy toddler, dd2 is totally different (and probably more normal!) and can tantrum for England! I think distraction is great, and planning - I have bags and baskets of things to whip out when they get bored. Or going outside always helps (although dd2 wants to do crafts when she is out there atm!)

I'm sorry that your hv isn't any good, it really bugs me when professionals think that because you already have one child you know it all, I found that when pg. Fortunately my hv is well aware that your memory goes after having kids and ha srepeated her talk on weaning for each baby! Glad you have Homestart though. I was lucky enough that we could afford to have a maternity nurse come for a couple of weeks', she nursed the dds through CP and me through infective mastisis and I really believe she was an angel sent to help me!

N3 glad you have ordered the book I recommended and I hope you find it helpful. If you do she has written other books as well - I have read them all more than once! Let me know how you get on with it.

I am just as bad as you and sleepsooz with my dd and sleep. Her cot is next to my bed and she has only slept in it about 5 times since she was born 16 months ago . I try not to beat myself up about it. She will be grown up in the blink of an eye and won't want to sleep with me then! Although a girl I work with slept in the same bed as her mum until she was 18!

Hi, Andy. I will let you know how I get on with the books, my hv has heard of them so am optimistic.

Re the sleep thing, if you and dd are enjoying it, then why worry? There is something unspeakably beautiful about waking up with your precious child in your arms.

Hi N3

Saw that book on a carboot for 50p this morning! Was going to buy it just so I could send it to someone who might benefit from it. Also saw it in my local library yesterday so it is still going strong.

Hope you are feeling well and positive

Doing anything nice this bank holiday weekend. It would be good to hear whether you have been able to get out as a family and do anything nice?

I don't worry about DD sleeping in my bed too much - it is more other people nagging about it than me worrying. It is great to wake up in the morning and see DD there smiling at me.

Take care.
AndyJ

Treating depression with diet might help some people who are sugar sensitive. www.radiantrecovery.com is a site based around the books on the topic such as "Potatoes no prozac" although anyone with bad clinical depression is best off with both drugs and CBT in combination.

Thanks, Xenia, will check that out.

Hi, Andy,

Still doing okay, had a couple of dodgy mornings but only because dd2 is sleeping so badly and I am knackered! How funny you seeing that book, obviously there's someone who is so well they no longer need it!

We did get out today, our first proper family outing. We went to a neighbouring village show, the dds were in their element as there was a display of vintage tractors - don't ask me why but our girls are total anoraks - as well as horses, dog agility and loads of country stuff. Ds was fine in the buggy but we didn't stay too long as dd2 is at that tender toddler age where too much stimulation is overwhelming. Have you got out - apart from the car boot sale, we don't have them here as we're far too middle class!

S*d what anyone says about co-sleeping with your dd. If you both get enough sleep and you enjoy it, make the most of every moment. She'll move out when she's ready.

Hi N3

Glad things seem to be going so much better for you. It is good to get out when you can even if it is raining all the time at the moment! Is it raining a lot where you are? Every time I go to go out it seems to be absolutely pouring down. I had a driving lesson today and he had to show me how to use the windscreen wipers .

We didn't get out much this weekend as DD was ill with an upset tummy - I think it is because she has had a bad cold. It all makes me very tense though when she can't sleep and is so restless all the time. She hasn't had an afternoon nap or eaten her tea for the last three days which is worrying. She has always been very good with her food so I don't like it when she doesn't eat. I will just have to keep an eye on her.

Lack of sleep makes me knackered as well - I was never cut out for sleepless nights - didn't even used to go to clubs before I had DD until the early hours of the morning so I haven't had much practice (sound really boring now don't I?)

Anyway N3 keep in touch and keep smiling.

AndyJ

Hi, Andy,

Sorry to hear about dd. How is she? The dds very often get upset tummies with colds, it's usually all the snot plus the body clearing out the bugs. And how are you doing?

Still doing okay, although have been blubbing like mad this evening as it has just suddenly hit me that dd1 will be starting school next week. It doesn't seem like a blink of an eye since she was my nb, and the awful thing is I can't remember what it was like to hol dher then or even what she looked like. And she seems so small to be going to school, and so innocent and happy. I am not a big fan of our school system anyway and would much rather home-educate. Fortuantely dd1 is very excited about going, and I have bought a book on subverting all the bollocks the school will be feeding her about 'success' and 'popularity'! (Don't think I'm going to be a hugely popular parent with her teachers! Now you'll tell me you're a teacher!)

We've had quite a bit of rain, although some sunshine too. We live in mid-Anglia so generally it tends to be dry, the amount of rain we've had thsi August is unusual. I hated the heatwave, it made my anxiety far worse and ds did get quite ill as he just couldn't cope with it. Well done for you for driving - I can drive but am a danger to myself and others so don't - dh is keen for me to start again but the thought terrifies me.

My book has come, I've had a quick read through and it has some great ideas in it, I am going to write out some in a notebook so I can refer to it when I need to. I've only skim-read so far so am not sure what she says about fear of things you know will happen, IYSWIM - inevitably the dds and ds will get ill, so I need to know how not to be set back by that. The tape also mentions phobias (haven't listened to that yet) so maybe that will help too. I am shocked to realise how totally I had broken down on getting home from hospital, if it hadn't been for the help we had I really don't think I would be able to have stayed at home which would have just been dreadful. I am so lucky and I can see that I am so much better.

I was always too boring for clubs! I couldn't cope with lack of sleep with dd1 but it's better with dd2 and ds. The problem I have is that it's always broken - four hrs would be fine but it never is, it's a bit here then dd2 wakes, then another bit then ds wants a feed...

Speaking of which, I hear my little man now!

Thanks again, hope things are fine and dandy for you right now,

N3

Hey N3

Thanks for the message. Sorry I haven't answered sooner - I can't get on the internet sometimes because DH hogs it! Anyway he is doing some cleaning at the moment and DD asleep like a little angel so I am seizing my chance! Can't believe he is CLEANING!!! Must be feeling ill.

How is your weekend going? The rain is really getting on my nerves. We had a trip out to Blackpool yesterday which was a bad idea considering it was raining before we even set outside the door.

What a disaster - got absolutely soaking wet and miserable

On a happier note. My DD is much better now thanks. She has four teeth coming through at once - poor thing!

I can understand how you feel about your little one starting school. Even though my DD is only 17 months old - I feel that time is flying by and I am dreading the day when she is old enough for school. What is the name of the book you have bought is sounds very interesting.

By the way I am not a teacher - just a lowly secretary boo hoo

Hope to hear from you soon.

AndyJ
xx

Hi, Andy!

No problem! My dh is terribly domesticated, it's great but OTOH he does tend to cut corners which drives me nuts! I don't complain though as he tries his best!

Glad dd is better, must be better for you too.

I can't always get on the net as dh works from home, and the last two nights' I've been in bed by 8.30! Had a tiring weekend as dh has played cricket both days, trying to keep all three of them fed, dry and occupied isn't easy! Dd2 is going through a nudist phase and is streaking around the house, so I have to clear up behind her as she has no interest in potty training.

We've got better weather here - just in time for dd1 to start school of course. She's been putting together a scrapbook to take in for her new teacher and it's really awful how little she's done over the summer. The Book is called 'Guerilla Learning' - it's an American title I got from Amazon, written by a couple of home-ed specialists for those whose kids are in the state system but who want their chidren to have the attitude of home-ed children. I've only just started it so don't know how good it is but the system there seems quite similar with SATS etc.

Sorry about your trip to Blackpool. I have really happy memories of sitting in my dad's car in the pouring rain at various holiday locations, eating fish and chips or a picnic. But then I like the rain, I get really pleased when summer is over. I know I'm in the minority there though!

Nothing wrong with being a secretary. Are you working now? I'm not really anything other than a mum - Ive had non-jobs but when I had dd1 I was studying. I've done the odd bit of writing but have no idea what I will do when ds starts school.

Must go as dd1's reading time is over and she needs to switch off her light.

Take care,

N3

Hi N3

Nudist phase sounds like a great laugh - you should take lots of photos to embarrass her with when she gets older . We have a great one of DD having a bath in a bright orange laundry basket in Greece. It is the cutest picture ever and she will hate it when she gets older!

I really love the winter so I know how you feel about being glad when the summer is over. Although since DD was born I have been getting into gardening so I do enjoy summer a bit more than I used to.

Yep, still working at the moment. I work 9-1 Monday to Friday while DD goes to nursery which she loves. Got to say though she picked up every bug going when she started going and I get them too. Just had one this weekend (I am very considerate getting ill at weekends so I don't miss work).

Have you managed to read any more of the Claire Weekes book? It is quite a thin book isn't it? Good for people like me who can't concentrate for long.

Hope you and the family are all well.

Speak to you soon.

AndyJ

I hope that you dont mind me gatecrashing but im very interested to see if you can recommend any other good books or breathing excersises Andy please?
I have a very very dear friend who is almost crippled with the symptoms of anxiety and i am at a loss as to how to help him.
He is having CBT BUT feels that it is of no benefit to him and to be honest, it doesnt sound like CBT to me, it sounds like traditional counselling.
I am going to try to get hold of the Claire Weeks book for him from my library, but he struggles to concentrate for long so dont know if he could read a book.
Any advice that you could offer would be fantastic, just to be able to talk to someone who understands would be great TBH.
He has the severest form of anxiety that i have ever witnessed.
I think he may be having suicidal thoughts as it is so so terrible.....need help and soon really.
Thanks

Hi Donbeam

I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your message I have not logged on for a couple of days. Don't mind you gatecrashing at all. To me anxiety is the worst illness possible and something that is very hard to get over although it is possible. I really hope that you manage to find the Claire Weekes book. She says at the start of the book that she understands people with anxiety only have short attention spans but because it is a book about something that will interest the sufferer usually they find that they can concentrate enough to read it.

It is probably best not to bombard your friend with too much information at the moment as it can be overwhelming. I cannot praise this book enough and as a starting point it is brilliant. I started to feel better as soon as I started reading it and believe me I felt terrible. Claire Weekes has also written about 4 other books and they are all brilliant.

With regard to breathing exercises I have to warn you that it is really difficult to get someone with extreme anxiety to do them. Initially they can make the person feel worse but I can honestly say that they do help after a while. The main exercises tend to focus on tensing up the major muscle groups and then relaxing them one by one. It is very difficult to do this on your own and it is best to get a tape that goes through it with relaxing music in the background. My tape is from an organisation called First Steps to Freedom that helps people with anxiety. If you search for it on yahoo it should come up. If not let me know and I will find the address for you.

I hope this is enough information for you for the time being. Has your friend seen a doctor? Antidepressants are a big help when anxiety is as bad as his.

Hope to hear from you soon.

AndyJ

Donbeam, Amazon have the book by Clare Weekes on audio.

Andy, hi, how are you? I'm having a bad time, dd1 started school which she loves but which has really upset me, and dd2 is missing her sister like mad and has gone back to her anxious behaviour from when she was ill. And now dd1 has a temp caused by her MMR, she is fine but I nearly fell apart earlier on because the constant monitoring of her temp, and dh taking her off to the docs as an emergency just triggered it all off again, I sat of the sofa with my teeth chattering until dh got back. I don't know what to do, CW's book says to avoid the trigger situations but I can't, my kids will get ill, it's inevitable and I am scared I will break down again instead of being strong for them.

Dd2 is so funny, she was wearing shorts, a t-shirt and furry boots today, and yesterday she wore a woolly hat to do her painting! You also can't leave any socks around or she puts them on her hands!

Wish I had time for gardening, it was my 'thing' before the children. I have big plans for a large herb garden but it will have to wait until the spring.

Do you find working helps? I used to be resigned to teh kids getting ill, it's only been since what happened at ds's birth that I can't cope and I am so bloody annoyed.

Anyway, hope you are well and thanks for your ongoing support. xxx

Hi, thanks for that.
My friend has seen a Dr and is currently under the care of the psychiatric team, he is that bad.
His anxiety stems from depression and you name it, he has had it antidepressant wise.
Now however, the depression is not a huge issue, it is the symptoms of the anxiety that have tottally overtaken. Physically the symptoms are so bad that some days he feels as though he will die that day.
He isnt sleeping well at the moment which is very bad as with the anxiety he has these adrenaline rushes that leave him exhausted, he needs to sleep to recover but the chest pain is so bad that he cant settle to sleep.
He vomits every morning without fail and is unable to eat until the evening. (Ive been trying to feed him up)
Some days he is able to come to our house but that changes day to day. Some days he cant get out of bed...only to vomit.
He hides all of this from his wife, she thinks that he is doing better and he totally isnt. He cant bear to let her down any longer with it all.
Im at a loss.

Think you have to let his wife know, although I can understand why you wouldn't given his feelings of guilt.

You're being such a good friend.

Hi N3

Sorry to hear that you have been having a bad time. Is DD1 enjoying school so far? It will make it so much easier for you (I hope) if she enjoys going.

My DD had to have her MMR a couple of months ago and I found it really traumatic. It took me ages to decide whether she should have it or not and then there was an outbeak of measles at her nursery so that decided me. I hated taking her though and she got really run down after it and ended up with conjunctivitis, a sore throat and upset stomach. I hope your little girl has recovered from it now and will find it a bit easier next week when DD1 goes to school. She will probably start to enjoy having you to herself!

I know CW says to avoid trigger situations but have you read what she says yet about trying to float through situations? I find that counting really helps. I count from 1-10 in my head and then back down again from 10-1 really concentrating on the numbers and breathing slowly.

I do find that going to work helps though, when I am busy at work it helps to keep me from over worrying. It is bad though when DD is under the weather and I have to make the decision about whether she is well enough for nursery and whether I should go to work.

I hope that you are not dreading tomorrow too much and you all enjoy your week.

Take care

AndyJ

Hi Donbeam, how are you?

Your friend sounds like he is in a very bad way at the moment .

I know it is tempting to always want to do something practical to help but I can assure you that it will be helping your friend a great deal that you are just there to listen.

I would suggest that your friend needs to have a small aim for the beginning of each day (no matter how small) and be determined to stick to this i.e. a short walk to the shop for a paper (even if he doesn't read it). The worst thing that a person in his situation can do is lie in bed even if his chest pain feels terrible (as long as there is no other medical cause?). It is only by getting up and distracting his mind from his anxiety that he will start to get better. Distraction is one of the keys to recovering from anxiety - dwelling on it makes it much worse.

Does your friend have any past hobbies he might like to return to? Art is very good for distracting the mind or doing puzzles.

It would be great if your friend felt able to talk to his wife and explain how he feels to her and also that he feels he is letting her down. Hopefully she will react in a supportive way and will do her best to help him.

Hope you let me know how he is getting on.

AndyJ

The more i type about him the more i think that he is just beyond help as all treatments/medications/counselling are failing to help him.

He has had extensive tests to rule out physiological causes for his physical symptoms.

I wont speak to his wife as i feel that this would be a huge betrayal of his confidence.

I know that by coming here, it helps him hugely...all i do is listen. (im a trained counsellor)
Cant do any thing else. Will go to the library tomorow and get hold of the books you suggest.

Im SO glad that i have my health and that my mental health is relatively intact as i just cannot even begin to imagine the living torture that this condition brings x

does he drink?

giving up alcohol totally will help him a LOT

He does drink enid, yes.
Its become a problem too. It takes the edge off the symptoms and he smells strongly of drink frequently.
I confront him about this outright and he says that it is the first thing that he thinks of when he wakes.
He has been very open and honest about his drinking and is aware and worried that it is getting out of hand.
What can i do? He is an intellegent individual who is well aware of the consequences to his health that drinking to this degree is likely to have.
I cant add any thing that he doesnt already know without edging into the realms of preaching and nagging.
Its a very tricky situation and i question my own reasons for bieng there for him.
I could never ever turn him away, i want to be there for him. I dont understand and dont try to, how could i possibly understand?
I think to myself that if ever he were to do something to end his life, i need to know that there was nothing else i could have said or done.
I am resigned to the future and that he may not be in it, i am just waiting for the day.
This has been at crisis point for 2 years and so i have now passed through all the grieving stages for him and now am at "acceptance".
A tortured soul, with no peace and no rest what other possible outcome could there be?
I just wish that there were a magic pill that he could take that would make it all go away and allow him to come back as he were, bright, lively funny, witty, and lighting a whole room up by just bieng there and bieng himself.
I miss that old fella.
Its so sad.
Look at all the "i" and "me" in this post,im a totally selfish bitch on here i know but i dont have any one as such to off load it all on......so you lucky lot can have it, Thanks for listening.

Hi, Andy, thanks for your message.

I have read the thing about 'floating', I haven't got it to work for me though. Maybe it takes practise? Think it might help to listen to the tape when I get the time!

Dd1 adores school, but we are getting some attitude at home, I think it's a mixture of tiredness and testing out whether our feelings for her have changed. I hardly see her during the week, the mornings are such a rush and in the evenings she's shattered and I'm cooking. Plus ds will be ready for weaing very soon - you would not believe the amount of milk he put saway - so will have that making things even more manic. I tried to get some 1-on-1 time with her at the weekend but ds or dd2 kept needing something. Might try and get out for a walk with her this weekend if dh doesn't play cricket.

Poor dd with her MMR! Don't know how I will manage geting dd2 done, I so hate seeing her unwell, sh ehas been through so much and to put her through something is so hard. You must have been terrified when measles was in dd's nursery. Were all those affected okay?

I don't get the chance to lose myself in any work, I'm on duty pretty much all day with dd2 and ds. Dd2 is due to start pre-school after half term which will be good in one way as ds and I will get some time, but bad as dd2 will inevitably get ill.

Donbean, th ereason I said you should talk to his wife is that you are taking so much on yourself, although I can see why you don't want to. Your love for your friend shines in your posts about him, it must be very hard for you. Don't beat yourself up, you need someone to share this with. Carers need someone to care for them, too.

I can see why people with anxiety drink. There are times when I want to make it all go away, but I'm too scared to have even a glass of wine in case I don't stop.

Thanks nearlythree, its kind of you to take the time to answer my whining posts.