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Mental health

have i made a mistake

91 replies

porkpie12 · 04/09/2013 10:32

started today in year 7 chose a school short drive or 15mins walk we also have a school opposite our house child preferred the other one. went in today dropped them down i have come home in a complete panic thinking i should of chose the one over the road as now worrying about picking up dropping off every day no other children walking this way can't help thinking what have i done

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porkpie12 · 17/09/2013 18:13

better but im digging a deeper whole have private healthcare at work phoned them about depressiin they were going to refer me then i backtracked now paniking about it being on record .....guess what perfectly happy bowt school its torture

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Blu · 17/09/2013 19:19

I wonder if you have to disclose why you want to use the private healthcare?

Good that you are feeling a little better...

Take care of yourself , PorkPie and keep reminding yourself that your dd is perfectly OK, even though you yourself are struggling so hard. I am really sorry you are having such a hard time.

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porkpie12 · 22/09/2013 09:17

Still no better wish i could turn back the clock and put school across road should of been brave enough to ignore other parents and go with what my family do

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porkpie12 · 24/09/2013 12:32

can't believe i didn't think it through properly every time they finish early will have to ask to leave work instead could of just walked over the road and into the house all of my family are sick of me still thinking of changing but then will be worried effect on child im in such a rut i cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel if i could turn back the clock

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 24/09/2013 12:40

I know it's difficult but do you think there's any way you could let her make her own way home on that day?

Are there any of her friends that go in the same general direction that she could walk with?

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titchy · 24/09/2013 12:52

I know it must be very difficult when you have anxiety issues, but really, make this about what is best FOR YOUR CHILD. All your posts are me me me.

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friday16 · 24/09/2013 13:28

every time they finish early will have to ask to leave work instead

Why? At 11 my daughter was making a 30 minute bus journey to school with a significant walk at each end. At 11, a friend of mine was doing a 15 mile train journey, with a bus at each end. Why can your daughter not walk home for 15 minutes on her own?

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porkpie12 · 24/09/2013 13:54

i can see from an outsiders point of view this seems totally irational but i cant get over the fact i will not let her walk on her own only just 11 in turmoil about the whole thing

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QuintessentialShadows · 24/09/2013 13:57

Your dd can walk to and from school herself. My son just started Y7, he walks 18 minutes to school every day, and he walks home too. It is fine. They all walk when they start secondary, even longer distances too!

It is fine for your dd to walk home and lock herself in. You dont have to leave work. You dont have to pick her up.

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friday16 · 24/09/2013 14:00

i cant get over the fact i will not let her walk on her own

It would be wrong, however, to remove her from the school that she wants to be at because of that.

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 24/09/2013 14:08

Can you do in small steps?
Let her walk 5 minutes then pick her up?
Just to get you both used to it?

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insanityscratching · 24/09/2013 14:16

Could your daughter stay in school at a club until you can pick her up after work? Most secondary schools have homework clubs or other clubs at the end of the school day.

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QuintessentialShadows · 24/09/2013 14:16

Maybe better to let dd find somebody she can walk with, even if it is just part of the way?

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/09/2013 11:38

I agree with the others. Start with small steps. Maybe in the morning stop 100 m short of the school and let her walk the rest. Then increase it to 200 m until you get used to the idea of her walking.

You do need more support from your GP, have you tried counselling? Perhaps something like CBT will help you gain strategies and perspective to deal with this anxiety.

Its normal to worry a bit about your children but if your worries are stopping your children developing normal independent skills then you need to get your anxiety under control.

My 10 yr old comes home from school on the bus in London a couple of times a week and we built up to this by starting with shorter journeys on his own and doing the journey together a few times. Part of this was to help him gain confidence and partly it was to help me get used to the idea too. He really like the independence it gives him.

If the school your DD goes to is the best school for her overall then that should be the deciding factor.

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Tuhlulah · 25/09/2013 12:13

I do understand your worry. THis may have been suggested already but if you both have mobile phones, on the way to school if she walks part of the way she can text you to let you know she's safely arrived. LIkewise when she comes home, she can text when she leaves. Or whatever suits you. Mobile phones are like extended umbilical cords.

My 12 year old son never even walked home from his primary school just around the corner before, but now he -because he wants to- goes to school on the bus and comes home on the bus. I soon realised I was the only mum dropping off and bringing home a Yr 7 child, and he felt it too. He has been protected and cosseted all his life but now he wants/needs some independence. I have worked out what we can do to give him some independence, and he is meant to text me when he gets to school (which he often forgets) and text me when he is on the bus (ditto). There are busy roads he has to cross. I have told him to walk with his friends from the bus, and to cross the road in groups (on the assumption that a gaggle of kids is easier to see than a single child).

You can only become confident in her ability to do it if you let her. Trust yourself -you have presumably taught her to cross the road. And road safety, and stuff like being street-wise/stranger danger, etc. Ask yourself -what are you afraid will happen? Road accident? Abduction? These can happen to adults as well as children. Prepare her for the world, teach her how to keep herself safe. We ALL worry about these things.

And as for the school, remember back to when you made the decision. Why did you decide that one as opposed to the one across the road? If nearness is the only factor you will get over this, because she will cope with the distance if you can allow her to. And you must have thought about this when you made the decision in the first place -what factors decided you on one school as opposed to another. You probably made that decision when you were in a better frame of mind than you are currently in. You probably made the right choice at the time. And if you didn't, you are not married to that school! In the worst case, you can change, you can ask about transferring to the school across the road -and I know you'll say it's full and oversubscribed, etc, but people do drop out/transfer/emigrate etc. There may be a place. But in your shoes, I'd then worry I'd taken her out of a better school just because I had an issue with some things that she was probably taking in her stride!!! You can't win.

Give it time. Give her time to get used to it. Give yourself a break.

Finally, my DS is scared of dogs, phobic. To cut a long story short he had CBT, and his lovely therapist suggested his fears were about the world in general, but that because it's not possible to function on a level where you're scared of EVERYTHING, so we condense the fear and focus it onto one or two things -dogs, in our case. So his fear of dogs was masking a wider anxiety. You have focused on your daughter walking to school, and the choice of school. These feelings are normal. But if you feel yours may be a little more than normal, a bit more intense than they should be, ask -are they masking something different?

Good luck, and be kind to yourself today.

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porkpie12 · 26/09/2013 09:50

thank you tahulha for your post there is room across the road but as i am slowly getting better can see it would be damaging only 4 from primary went across the road and it does get talked down a lot and you do get a lot of rough kids goine feel like i listened too much to what others were doing her best friend wanted to go to the other one but didnt get in my son is year 11 in the school across the road and is doing well but he is oblivious to it all my daughter wanted the other one because it is newer and smaller

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Tuhlulah · 26/09/2013 16:41

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. Small sounds good. You both made that decision and at the time you would have considered all the factors. We torture ourselves deciding on which school, so you wouldn't have made that decision lightly. It was likely to be the right decision then, and still the right one now. And yes, we all listen to what other parents say about schools, but in the end we make the decision on the basis of what's best for our child, and we are best placed for that judgement, because we know our own children best (on the whole!).

It's nearly the weekend. Maybe have a chat with her about what's manageable in terms of her walking a bit here and there. Take baby steps if that's all you feel you can take.

The other posters have offered some great advice and we all seem to be saying much the same thing -she can do it if you let her, you can do it if you let yourself. Baby steps, a bit at a time, but so you feel you have some progress to look back on. Nothing breeds success like success.

You say the school across the road is rough. OK, then you don't want her in there. Forget that school, it's not for her. She is at the best school for her. Now figure out a small plan of action on how to get her there. She is 11, still a baby I know (I still regard my strapping man-child as a baby) but she is old enough to take this step for herself. It is not she who has the problem with it, but you.

You might just have to let her do it, even if you sit at home catastrophising about it all day. But you should use the texting -it offers reassurance. You will know she has arrived. tell yourself you are going to be brave on Monday. And let her walk part of the way.

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porkpie12 · 26/09/2013 18:42

Thanks for the reply thought i was getting better then picked her up lots of busy traffic got a bit stressed came back and not been good since still beating myselfup about not picking over the road some rough but lots not if i could turn the clock back cant believe this has all happened

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/09/2013 18:48

porkpie
I agree with Tuhlulah you made the decision when you were feeling better than you are now so in the long term it was probably the best decision for your DD even though it feels hard to live with now.

It does feel a bit like the school run has started to become the focus for all your anxieties. I am also worried that you are very self-critical at the moment. Have you seen your GP to get some more support?

Also remember that you will have good days and bad days and that you are actually coping and getting your DD to and from school so you are probably managing better than you are giving yourself credit for.

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porkpie12 · 26/09/2013 18:53

You are all being lovely just these obsessive thoughts cant believe didnt consider how to get her there everyone was surprised when i said she was going somewhere different to her brother think i was going with the masses

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porkpie12 · 30/09/2013 10:36

no change still feel the same in some ways feel worse can;t sleep can't et my anxiety is awful still want to move her if only i had put it first can't see a way out my life is a mess

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/09/2013 10:41

Have you been to see the GP? You need some proper help to deal with this level of anxiety.

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porkpie12 · 30/09/2013 10:45

yes under the gp and waiting for the counselling service to call tom its been four weeks now on medication and it does not seem to be getting any better feeling agrophobic and off work all because i made the wrong decision

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/09/2013 10:54

I strongly suspect that the school is the focus for your worries not the cause of your anxiety. It does take a while for the medication to make you feel better so hang in there. I would go into the counselling process with an open mind and see what happens, it may help in ways you don't expect.

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porkpie12 · 30/09/2013 10:56

but i was fine before she stared and it just hit me like a train we had a fab 6 weeks hols and some great holidays this year i just dont understand

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