Years of depression and anxiety

[OhBlardyHell]

Hi all. I've name changed as people on mn know me in rl. I'm not even sure what I want to get out of posting here, I think it's just a way of trying to make sure I don't back out of finally going to the Dr about it!

I've had depression pretty much constantly since I was about 11yo (younger I think, but it seems impossible to be depressed so young), I'm now 25 and have finally decided to get a grip of my life. Better late than never ay? I have 2 children, a 3yo and a 1yo.
Things got really bad after having DC1, I suffered greatly with PND, I hardly remember the first 2 years of his life, it's just a blur of misery really. Things improved for a while, then we had DC2 and things got bad again. Not as bad this time; I talked to DH and a few friends who were really helpful and kept me from slipping as low as I previously had with DC1.
But I'm not right still and I'm not talking to people anymore. I'm not giving my children the mother they deserve. I'm not able to enjoy them, I struggle with the physical contact they need, I mostly give them as much as they want but by the time I get to bed at night I have to push my husband away as I just can't bare it anymore and need the physical space. I struggle even getting out of the house most days, I suffer badly with anxiety, I have to build myself up to just make a phone call. My life is just a case of making it through the day.
I've never written it all down before, it's difficult, I feel so awful for my children.

I'm going to go and register with a GP when DC2 wakes up (we recently moved house) and book an appointment. I've had enough of this, my family deserves a better mother/wife and I deserve to feel happy ... or at least not miserable.
I'm worried about the appointment though, I don't have anyone who can look after the children, DH wouldn't be able to take time off work for it. DC2 is fine blowing raspberries on my lap but DC1 is almost 4 and I'm worried that it would be inappropriate for him to be there?

My heart is racing just thinking about going to the GP surgery!

[MrsHelsBels74]

Be gentle on yourself Blardy. I'm feeling a bit defeated too, DS1 has steadfastly refused to wear pants rather than nappies for the past few days. Dropped him at nursery today & am waiting for grandparents to pick DS2 up & feeling guilty because I absolutely cannot wait.

[MummyJM]

Hi all, I've just joined the site and can relate to a lot of your experiences. I've suffered from depression and anxiety from a young age due to issues, had PTSD approx 18 months ago when I was having some counselling regarding childhood abuse, and suspect I'm suffering again. I have 2 children a 6yr DS and a 7wk DD. I had my post natal check with GP last night and she gave me counselling no to ring, I would love to but as I explained to her I have no support for childcare of DD and unless I can find counselling with creche facilities then I'm stumped. I was looking into it before I had DD as I knew with my history and the fact I was suffering with anxiety/depression throughout pregnancy that I may suffer PND again. I'm irritable as hell, have been 'managing' the night time feeds on my own for past 3 weeks (except Fri/Sat nights) as DH is a very light sleeper and DD has been suffering from oral thrush and colic over past few weeks since he's been back at work. He was all for helping out but its me that's decided its not fair on him with his job as he needs to be on the ball, I will be having a word with him tonight though cos I need a break. If he does Tues nights as well then maybe I wont be like Godzilla on a bad day. I yelled at DD this morning cos she'd had her feed and was unsettled after, I was on my own trying to get DS ready for school, was feeling like a zombie, DH had dropped on me that he was going to work early so he was up and out in 20 mins, I ended up with no breakfast and stressed out cos I was trying everything and didnt understand that she was still hungry until I tried her with a bit more. I didn't expect to feel like a first time mum again! I felt guilty enough after yelling but then DS asked if I ever wished that she hadn't been born. If truth be told there are moments where I regret my choice, but these are just fractions of a minute in a day or a week so I'm not going to beat myself up (too badly). I didn't have time to talk to him properly as we were dashing to school (as usual of late) but I did apologise for yelling and asked about his feelings. He's a lovely brother and its natural for him to have negative thoughts as well so I'm going to set aside some time to talk about it all tonight. I was feeling low today but coming on here (even though its took me hours in bits and pieces when I've been able to type) has made me feel a bit better. It gets lonely when you're suffering and even though we're all in the same boat, so I feel for you (hugs) I'm glad I've got company. My act of self kindness today was treating myself to a cup of hot chocolate with lashings of squirty cream on (had no marshmellows in though :-( ) and forgiving myself for being human and not super human! I don't know if anyone's posted since MrsH this morning so I hope your day has been better than what you hoped for when you got up xxx

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi MummyJM, welcome sorry to hear about your depression and anxiety - I know how tough it is, and esp with DCs. I like the sound of your hot chocolate though and it does sound like a good plan to speak to your DH about the nights. Sleep deprivation is bad enough when you're well and in my experience can really make dep/anx worse. That childcare thing with counselling is a killer isn't it - I was in a similar situation a few years back and couldn't get started with the counselling. I guess you've considered whether you could do a one hour childcare swap with a friend?

I'm back from spending the day painting at a local higher ed college. My favourite day of the week. It was tough in places with rising anxiety, but am thankful that my poor mental health doesn't seem to have affected my ability to paint which is a big relief. Home with DCs - 8 and 4 now...

Hello everyone else, hope your day's been OK x

[run4it]

Hugs to everyone - hope you all had a good day.

[run4it]

There's always good days and bad days, and I've found it better not to compare how things are on a day by day basis. I tend to compare how I am now against a month, or six months, or a year ago - then you can really see whether things are getting better. I try to get a bit of 'me time' in every dy as well - going for a walk or having a bath, or reading a book - I just find it gives me more head space. When I'm bad I end up doing more exercise because it helps me get through it - you've just got to find something that works for you. Hugs all round anyway!

[MummyJM]

Just finished a feed. Glad you don't let your MH affect your painting Colouring, it is easy to let it without realising. Unfortunately that was the case with me, so I only have one person I could term as a friend really and her physical health isn't up to looking after a small baby in case she accidentally drops DD. I had to pull out of my diploma recently as the course requires placement hours, and due to my Mum having a life changing op back in Sept she isn't able to help out as planned, so I can't ask her either. Private counselling is out of the question in the evening or weekend when DH could help out due to finances. I do plan on using the local Sure Start for activities with DD now that I've had my post c-section MOT so there may be an opportunity in a few months to have built up other friendships and feel comfortable swapping childcare with a new friend. Like Run4it says compared to how I was a year ago I can see improvements, cos I'm making the effort to talk to other Mums in the school yard and have taken DS to a few parties over the past few months. That was scary Blardy so I can understand your anxiety over the GP, and its your experience which drew me to this site and thread. I hope your day improved, it takes a lot of will power to get out of bed or off the sofa to look after DC when depression has a hold (hugs). Speaking of will power Run4it I wish I could swap my coping mechanism of chocolate and other 'naughties' for your healthier exercise, it is beneficial for MH like you said but getting motivated at the moment is tough. I'm hoping now that DD seems to be more settled on her feeds that I can get out of these 4 walls with her in the pram, up until now she's been doing small frequent feeds so its been out of the question. One step at a time! I have asked DH to do Tuesday nights and he readily agreed, he was going to do more but like I said to him he's working and cant get his head down during the day, which hopefully I will be able to do. I did have the opportunity today but you know how it is when you're shattered but the brain wont shut down. Insomnia is an unwanted friend! I managed a chat with DS as well to see how he's been affected by DD's arrival and he's not resentful, his earlier comment was his perception of my "annoyance". I reassured him again that I love them both and it was down to being very tired that I shouted, and that I was sorry, I shouldn't have done it. We went to the shop and I got him a mag and some chocolate as treats and printed him a super star certificate for helping out the way he does. Yes that was definately guilt motivated! He sees a learning mentor at school due to dv issues with his dad (not my DH) for which I had to stop contact a few months ago, I'm seeing her tomorrow, or rather today, so I'll get some tips from her on how to cope. As you can see I can write war and peace, LOL. I'm going to try to settle. Good night/morning ladies xxx

[NappyHappy]

Morning all! Hi new posters! I'm full of a cold so trying to not breathe on ds3, he's just puked down my neck.

Lack of sleep is definitely not helping any of us is it?

I didn't know that MrsH that Thyroid function affected moods, bet you can't wait for Mum to arrive. My Mum will only have the eldest as ds2 she says requires my step dad to be there to help her! Grr.

Does it also seem that the dc's know you're not well and they seem to play up more even though you try and hide it?

I'm terribly scatty too and often find myself spinning round in circles trying to do stuff.

[OhBlardyHell]

Yes Nappy! My DC act up more when I'm feeling worse too. They've been really difficult the last could of days and I hardly got any sleep last night (the little one is teething).

Sorry you're ill!

I've started to notice that my emotions aren't as close to the surface as they usually are. Watching the Red Nose Day stuff usually has me blubbing from the off but I've been fine so far.

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi everyone.
Blardy I've noticed something similar re: emotions too. Watched broadchurch the last couple of weeks. Usually something like that (death of a child) would make me well up, now - nothing, nothing at all
Nappy I'm with you on the scattiness - nearly forgot to pick up kids from school on wed
Hope both of your DCs are giving you a bit of break today!

Trying to psych myself to talk to Headteacher after school re: DD's recovering broken leg - her friendships are going pear-shaped as she can't join in at playtime (more cos school won't let her now, rather than lack of mobility)

MummyJM good for you making the effort in the playground - not an easy thing i.m.e! Sounds like a good plan speaking to the learning mentor - hope you get some helpful advice.

Still really struggling with anxiety today, DH went a diff route to hospt (DD appt) this morning and I started hyperventilating - had to ask him to get onto a road I know. Ridiculous but real. Feeling like it might be a while before I'm back to "normal".
take care all x

[MrsHelsBels74]

Still hanging in here. So tired I can barely keep my eyes open. Been prescribed diazepam for a week to help with the anxiety whilst my new ADs kick in.

I just feel distanced from everyone at the moment & not really able to process anyone else's needs. I really struggle to concentrate & often stop mid sentence when talking as I have no idea what I was about to say.

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi Mrs, sorry to hear you're feeling so rough. Are you on Sertraline? I've heard they often wipe people out for a couple of weeks to start with. Diazepam sounds like a good plan. My GP has prescribed me Tradozone with my Fluoxetine to help with anxiety and sleeping.

I know what you mean about distance and concentrating too (I completely forgot the name of DDs deputy head that I had a meeting with today ) and send lots of sympathy. Really hope your ADs kick in soon. Are you able to get much rest - think you have DCs - my second best day this week was one when I slept til 12.20 - felt a lot better in the pm! Anyhow, take care x

[MrsHelsBels74]

No at the moment I'm transitioning from fluoxetine to duloxetine with a side order of diazepam which I'm reluctant to take at the moment as am home alone with DS2 although anxiety levels are high.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

[NappyHappy]

for you Mrs.

Feeling a bit better today just full of a cold!

Oh the joy of the playground! I think I'm too odd for the other Mums and definitely don't fit into any of the usual little groups that you see, I'm quite anti social most of the time and get a bit anxious around groups of people so I don't leave the house much. But will try next week and take the kids to the Sure Start and get them interacting a bit with other kids.

How many dc's have you all got?

Here's hoping your new combinations of AD's work!

[GinnyMac]

Have a look at Helen McNallen's great web site. I saw her on TV and she's great. It's www.depressioncanbefun.co.uk
She used to suffer from depression and has some great tips. She recommends Vegepa and Filisa on her site. I've taken them both together and they really work.

[ginnie352013]

Hi everyone! I have never ever posted anything in a chatroom, am even rubbish at facebook, but I am at breaking point - not for the first time, and thought it couldn't hurt. I've suffered with depression for a long long time, and eating troubles since the age of 14. My feeling of self worth is rock bottom, I am a mum of 2 small children and 5mths pregnant with my third. My husband and I are becoming more and more distant, constantly rowing as we battle in our own separate lives- him working all hours god sends, - me running a pet sitting business (as a previous veterinary nurse, which I cant afford to do due to childcare costs), he resents my job and I think has grown tired of my depression which I don't blame him for, I'm so ashamed of it myself and feel like the worst mother ever. I've also suffered family problems in the last year and lost the support and contact with my sisters who meant so much to me, all because of a silly row over nothing- my wanting another baby, which I've now proved them all right, it wasn't the right time. I moved from my home town ten years ago to be with my now husband because he has a son from a previous relationship (who I get on very well with) and left behind my family and good job, I have no real friends here, and hide all my feelings very well, but I'm so unbearably lonely and desparate I don't know what to do. I've tried parent groups but I just don't fit in anywhere. I was bullied badly at school and then had a horrible sexual assault, well rape if I'm honest, whilst on holiday when I was 17 which I blame myself for, and I have a huge fear of meeting new people. This sounds like a "poor me" sob story but I just thought it might be worth a go. I'm desparately, desparatley ashamed to admit I've smoked and drank alcohol during this pregnancy to escape the pain even for just an hour, this is disgusting and I hate myself for it, and understand that you will think the same, I've had reccurrent haemmorhaging throughout this pregnancy and on 9 occasions thought we had lost it. And yet I wanted this baby so much, but I don't know how I'll cope especially as my husband seems to have no interest, I go to all these emergency scans alone and he's never home till late and come the weekend he just wants to "escape" the stress of his work and go out on all night drinking sessions, I also have a cripplng spinal condition which I suffer agonising pain with every day, but being a dog walker with 2 small boys I have to carry on especially as we have major financial worries too, but I have no one to talk to, and have battled on my own for so long, I wondered if there's anyone out there who's felt like me. I know there's no cure, I've been back and forth to the gp who have proved useless. Every single day is a battle, the smallest task is so hard, all I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up, but I would never do anything silly, I love my boys way too much for that. I know you must all be thinking, what a stupid, stupid idiot to go and get pregant again with all these issues and I agree. I just want some help or advice. This was so so hard to write.

[BexleyFemale777]

I stand alone in a world where there is no inner joy for me. I have lost the fight to continue my quest for justice over a serious sexual assault upon me. I am unable to continue to fight the system. I am so drained and my exhaustion has finally killed what little strength I had left.

The Police mock me, the CPS mock me and no matter how much I try I am pushed further and further away from getting justice. I am all alone and due to the fact I also have a phobia it makes things easy for them to abuse me.

I feel that I am dying. I have tried and tried and tried to be heard, but it is as thought I am invisible. So much has happened to me over the last 11 years and even my MP turned his back upon me.

I am not young, neither am I of social standing. I had a breakdown in 2002 and in truth have never recovered. The breakdown was caused by proven police corruption but they can get away with anything if the victims like myself have been in a psychiatric hospital.

I am tired now. Tired of letter writing, tired of knocking on false doors. The IPCC are not independent and no matter what you do or say or produce justice never gets done.

For most people like myself depression is caused by something that happened. I stand alone with the truth and my abuser is rich and can get anything he wants done.

Depression cripples a persons life and I have never seen the beginning of a new day or seen the light. My life is dark and empty.

As for the mental health services.........I dare not talk to them as their answer to everything is drugs.

Drugs are not the answer. Care is the answer, help is the answer and support is the answer. I feel like I am dying for my spirit is so broken.

Every time i get a step nearer to justice someone pulls the rug from under my feet.

In my family life all I am is a robot for baby sitting and helping others for they do not understand why I seek justice and being young they see the world different to me.

I dreamed the impossible dream, I fought the unbeatable foe and only I and I alone carry the heavy weight of the unbearable sorrow.

Loneliness and emotional isolation is what makes depression a helpless existence.