Years of depression and anxiety

[OhBlardyHell]

Hi all. I've name changed as people on mn know me in rl. I'm not even sure what I want to get out of posting here, I think it's just a way of trying to make sure I don't back out of finally going to the Dr about it!

I've had depression pretty much constantly since I was about 11yo (younger I think, but it seems impossible to be depressed so young), I'm now 25 and have finally decided to get a grip of my life. Better late than never ay? I have 2 children, a 3yo and a 1yo.
Things got really bad after having DC1, I suffered greatly with PND, I hardly remember the first 2 years of his life, it's just a blur of misery really. Things improved for a while, then we had DC2 and things got bad again. Not as bad this time; I talked to DH and a few friends who were really helpful and kept me from slipping as low as I previously had with DC1.
But I'm not right still and I'm not talking to people anymore. I'm not giving my children the mother they deserve. I'm not able to enjoy them, I struggle with the physical contact they need, I mostly give them as much as they want but by the time I get to bed at night I have to push my husband away as I just can't bare it anymore and need the physical space. I struggle even getting out of the house most days, I suffer badly with anxiety, I have to build myself up to just make a phone call. My life is just a case of making it through the day.
I've never written it all down before, it's difficult, I feel so awful for my children.

I'm going to go and register with a GP when DC2 wakes up (we recently moved house) and book an appointment. I've had enough of this, my family deserves a better mother/wife and I deserve to feel happy ... or at least not miserable.
I'm worried about the appointment though, I don't have anyone who can look after the children, DH wouldn't be able to take time off work for it. DC2 is fine blowing raspberries on my lap but DC1 is almost 4 and I'm worried that it would be inappropriate for him to be there?

My heart is racing just thinking about going to the GP surgery!

[ColouringInQueen]

Hear hear what nowflourish said. (Love the name btw)
How did you get on?

[OhBlardyHell]

Thank you all so much! What lovely messages to sit down to

GP was lovely, I did the questionnaire thingy and came back with a score of 22, so not great but could be worse.
She's prescribed 20mg Fluoxetine with a follow up appointment in a month's time to see how I'm getting on.
We talked about therapy, she's sure it will be good for me but we've agreed to wait for the next appointment to go over that more because I'm just not ready to talk it all out yet, as soon as I start I just cry - massive thank you for the suggestions to write it all down, I would have been stuffed without that!

I'm totally drained and DH is working late tonight and tomorrow so I'm currently letting the children destroy the house have some free play

[ColouringInQueen]

Oh that's great BlardyHell I'm also on fluoxetine. I also think that's good advice re: therapy, give the ADs a chance to kick in a bit first.
Free play sounds like a very good plan. My DD was off sick today so she watched wall to wall educational programmes cbeebies.
Well done and hope you get to put your feet up soon x

[OhBlardyHell]

God bless CBeebies!
My lovely husband is back now and has sent me for a bath to relax whilst he deals with our night owl of a daughter.

[NappyHappy]

Excellent stuff Blardy for going to the GP and getting it all out . That I found was the worst bit and I wrote it down too or I would cry if I had to verbally tell her. I had to take all the boys (4yr, 17m and 6m) with me too but chocolate buttons saved the day! Sounds like a few of us started with depression at an early age, think I was 14.

Do you feel better for going?

[OhBlardyHell]

Oh thanks Nappy! I was the same, cried every time I tried to talk about it. I'm hoping the the AD's can help settle me a bit so I can actually start to off load properly.
Bad mother my butt! That must have been hard!

I do feel better for going, really drained but positive. Took my first tablet this morning, felt like I should have had some dramatic music playing in the background

[NappyHappy]

You should reenact in the morning

I'm used to dragging the heard about with me I can often be heard shouting repeating myself to ds1 to hurry up.

Have you ever been for a psychological assessment?

Standing outside the house for 5 mins is always good.

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi Blardyhell well done on getting started - hope you feel good for taking positive action and your weekend is OK.

[OhBlardyHell]

Haha Nappy!

No, no psychological assessment, this is the first time I've ever spoken to a professional of any description about it.

We've just moved to a place with a garden, we've never had one before and it's so lovely being able to get outside every day regardless of whether I feel up to seeing other people or not.

Thank you Colouring, I'm feeling good about getting started. The kids are being... difficult today though and DH is at work until late again so I'm getting pretty edgy, back out into the garden for a bit I think!

[OhBlardyHell]

Well that didn't work...
It's times like this I really wish I had family around to take the pressure off a bit.

[NappyHappy]

I felt like that before, both babes screaming. How far away are your family?

Colouring, Cbeebies does seem to keep them quiet for a while! The Mothers helper

[OhBlardyHell]

Family are in N.Wales and I'm in Sussex. I get irrationally annoyed when I hear people complaining that their family won't baby sit for them as often as they want!

They'd already watched Peter Pan and I didn't even think of colouring in or similar oh well, DH is home now and both kids in bed for now so hopefully that's today done.

[pixwix]

Oh blardy hell I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment - but you are doing amazingly well. You spotted you weren't feeling great, and took steps to deal with it. You sound like a lovely conscientious mother, although you don't feel it right now, but it really comes across in your thread.

By now you will have built up a bank of emotional love, goodwill, and security with your children, so they will be fine, even though you don't feel fine yourself. Part of depression is feeling that you aren't 'doing things right' or doing a good enough job - but to me, it sounds like despite not being well, you are doing a great job!

When you are depressed, it can be difficult to feel emotionally connected to people, because you are struggling so much just to function. Thats where all your energy is needed at the moment. That will come back as the depression lifts.

Well done for seeking help!! But go very easy on yourself - if it means microwave meals, and wall to wall cbeebies for a while - don't beat yourself up about it - cut down on the other stuff to help you get through for now, just make life as easy for yourself as you can (which sounds trite cos it ain't that easy!)

Keep talking - and well done you! xx

[NappyHappy]

How are you feeling today?

Pixwix is right, everything in the last post.

How long have you been in Sussex?

[OhBlardyHell]

Thank you so much! I appreciate all of your kind words and support so much, you lovely lot!

Feeling really tired today, slept most of the morning. DH is taking the kids to see his dad soon so I will have a few hours of peace and quiet. Feels bad that on Mother's Day my one wish is to be child free (not permanently of course!).

I've been in Sussex for 7 years now Nappy.

[MrsHelsBels74]

Just PM'd you Blardy but I too want to be child free today & feel awful about it.

[OhBlardyHell]

Sorry to hear that Mrs, it's a constant stream of guilt isn't it? Are you doing anything special today? Is there any way you could get some time to yourself?

[working9while5]

Hi
Have you considered mindfulness based cognitive therapy? It has a good research base for recurrent depression and is recommended by NICE. ACT or acceptance and commitment therapy also good?

[MrsHelsBels74]

My app isn't letting me reply to PMs at the moment so bear with me! Yes the guilt is awful, plus the fact that DH is decorating so I'm on my own with both boys. We're currently watching Monsters Inc (which we all know by heart now!). Had a nice lie in though but no chance of alone time now I'm up.

[OhBlardyHell]

Thanks for that Working, I talked about it with my GP but I don't really feel up to it at the moment so we're going to talk about it again at the next appointment. I will look into those you've suggested though thank you.

Mrs, I hope your day has been ok?

[MrsHelsBels74]

Nope day has been pretty rubbish. Ended up in tears thinking I should never have had kids. I'd give anything just to check into a hotel for a few days on my own. I'm debating asking my mum to come over & stay for a bit as I'm just not coping. But very up & down & maybe tomorrow will be better.

[OhBlardyHell]

Oh Mrs I'm so sorry to hear that. I honestly feel the same way really often so you are not alone, it can get so overwhelming. I think asking your mum for some help is a great idea, you're not well and you need all the support you can get right now. Be kind to yourself.

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi everyone,
just wanted to send {{{hugs}}} to everyone. I think mothers day is a tough day when you're depressed. It focuses the mind too much. MrsH the hotel thing sounds like paradise. I need to talk to DH about a plan for the next few days - can't do it on my own (had a v bad eve yest). Blardy glad you got some peace and quiet. Hope everyone has their feet up now, take care x

[NappyHappy]

Hels. How are you today? I want to vanish off on my own too for a couple of days, but that'll never happen. Have you spoke to your Mum yet?

My Mothers Day was a poor one too. Still did everything I do everyday whilst DH sat on the sofa or upstairs on the PS3.

Are you OK too Blardy?

Hugs all round today I think?

[MrsHelsBels74]

Just got back from the doctor. She's said I can l overlap my ADs & also said I should get my mum over, so my mum is arriving on Friday.