Hi all. I've name changed as people on mn know me in rl. I'm not even sure what I want to get out of posting here, I think it's just a way of trying to make sure I don't back out of finally going to the Dr about it!
I've had depression pretty much constantly since I was about 11yo (younger I think, but it seems impossible to be depressed so young), I'm now 25 and have finally decided to get a grip of my life. Better late than never ay? I have 2 children, a 3yo and a 1yo.
Things got really bad after having DC1, I suffered greatly with PND, I hardly remember the first 2 years of his life, it's just a blur of misery really. Things improved for a while, then we had DC2 and things got bad again. Not as bad this time; I talked to DH and a few friends who were really helpful and kept me from slipping as low as I previously had with DC1.
But I'm not right still and I'm not talking to people anymore. I'm not giving my children the mother they deserve. I'm not able to enjoy them, I struggle with the physical contact they need, I mostly give them as much as they want but by the time I get to bed at night I have to push my husband away as I just can't bare it anymore and need the physical space. I struggle even getting out of the house most days, I suffer badly with anxiety, I have to build myself up to just make a phone call. My life is just a case of making it through the day.
I've never written it all down before, it's difficult, I feel so awful for my children.
I'm going to go and register with a GP when DC2 wakes up (we recently moved house) and book an appointment. I've had enough of this, my family deserves a better mother/wife and I deserve to feel happy ... or at least not miserable.
I'm worried about the appointment though, I don't have anyone who can look after the children, DH wouldn't be able to take time off work for it. DC2 is fine blowing raspberries on my lap but DC1 is almost 4 and I'm worried that it would be inappropriate for him to be there?
My heart is racing just thinking about going to the GP surgery! 
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Mental health
Years of depression and anxiety
OhBlardyHell · 06/03/2013 11:50
hi Mrs, blardy, nappy,
glad to hear your mums coming over Mrs. Sometimes we do need that extra help. As my GP said to me yest, don't worry you can return the favour when they're really old 
I'm pretty rubbish at the mo. My DP has gone to scotland for 3 days despite me being desparately depressed sat night. So my dad came over yest, is coming back today. My sister slept over last night. I had a ask a friend to do the school run with me - I hate having to ask for all this help too but I can't do this on my own.
Hope everyone else is hanging in there x
DH has stayed home from work today as the snow is bad & no-one else can get here to help out, I feel like such a failure 
I'm doing quite well thank you, not sure if its the ADs it just a good couple if days but I've been less anxious and tearful which is nice. By no means myself but a small improvement. 
Had DH home today because of the snow too, was really lovely.
That's really great that you've got so much support Colouring and well done for asking for help, it's really not easy. Sorry your DP is away, is it for work?
Mrs, hang in there, you are doing everything you can to help yourself, it'd bloody difficult and takes time but you're doing it and you will get there.
Nappy, my husband does that too, goes right thorough me! 
I've not had an assessment, that's an awfully long time to be waiting though! Could you chase it up?
Hi Blardy, Nappy and Mrs,
Nappy - that sounds exhausting and I sympathise with that suffocating feeling - sometimes you can feel like you haven't got much left to give can't you? Hope you have a better night tonight. I haven't had an assessment myself, but surely nothing to loose asking if they've had any cancellations or anything?
Blardy - great to hear you've had a slight improvement. Yes my husband has gone away with work (the same work who are making him redundant). I am quite angry and hurt tbh as I was desparately depressed sat, and also him going away seems to have sent my anxiety through the roof. I told him Mon I was upset and he told me he needed a couple of days away to clear his head
Mrs - how are you doing today?
Thanks everyone for your support - it helps a lot. I have had a better day today. GP gave me some additional meds yest - trazodone I think its called - an anti depression/anti-anxiety thing which is also sedating. So I slept like a log. Fortunately my sister was here to help get the kids ready for school as I wasn't quite with it. Went back to bed after they'd gone and woke at 12.20! Afternoon much better than yest and calmer which is nice. Going to try taking this new med a bit earlier tonight in the hope I won't be quite as zonked tomorrow morning!
Take care everyone x
It is but what makes things worse is DH has Spinal Stenosis and is in chronic pain with it and I need to get into my head that it is debilitating and he's not making it up to get out of stuff.
I'm on Sertraline and felt like a zombie for the first week or so and they're taking the edge off the bad days a bit but when I'm on a good day I get a bit hyper 
Let's hope everyone's meds new or old help.
Its great you lot are here too, RL strangers that we can vent at on here.
Are you local Colouring? I'm in Manchester.
Is everyone feeling any different to yesterday?
Hi Nappy, sadly not - Bucks. That sounds tough re: your DH and chronic pain - tough for the both of you. I was very interested in what you said about Sertraline. My DH has been on it since September (was severely depressed for lost of last year) and over the last month I have felt that he is sometimes hyper - but given how depressed I have been, I'm not quite sure about my judgement, he could just be happy but its in such contrast to me? He was made redundant last week and has been v excitedly planning freelance career, but this hyper worry and last years experience makes me v nervous...
Completely agree about this thread x
Hi Fishandjam, welcome sorry to hear about your depression - and that's quite a score. My DH is on Sertraline and it has been v helpful and great that you've sought help and are starting treatment.
Yes I also find it helps to know you're not the only person with this horrible illness - I've found this and some other threads very helpful, interesting and supportive. Hope you get on Ok with the Sertraline and best wishes.
Thanks for that Run4it, it's really encouraging to hear from people who have come through
Hi Fish, sorry to hear you scored so high, you must be going through a really tough time. You seem to have a really good attitude though, time the black dog was PTS!
Oh crap, I've forgotten everything else I was going to say, sorry! Finding it really hard to focus at the moment. I'll log in on the laptop tomorrow so I can hopefully get a proper post done.
Still feeling ok, pretty edgy and scatty but not so down and hopeless.
Fish, hi & welcome. Your situation sounds exactly like mine, had PND immediately after DS1 was born, this time it's snuck in gradually.
I feel better knowing that my mum is coming (although that makes me feel about 5 years old again).
I forgot to say that the GP mentioned my thyroid function is low which may account for how I'm feeling. In a way I hope it is as it gives a reason for why this has happened (although in my head I know it's all down to biochemistry, part of me still sees it as a weakness on my part 
).
Anyway, am rambling on & it looks like DS2 is falling back to sleep so I'll stop now!
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Hi Mrs wow sounds like you had a good nights sleep (not!) Hope you're OK this morning. I understand what you mean about hoping there's another reason for your depression - its a tough disease to come to terms with and tell people about - but easier with something like low thyroid.
Like both of you I am also so scatty/forgetful. Nearly forgot to pick up my kids from school yesterday 
- completely lost track of time, my dad said, just checking you're not doing the school run...
My DH returned home last night and I told him how hurt I was. Still can't seem to "do" anger. Anyhow i got my own back without realising - apparently I was snoring loudly so he had to go and sleep in the spare room (something I end up doing at least once a week cos of his snoring!) seems like a side effect of these new meds zonking me out.
Hope everyone has a better day and appreciates the sun if you have it x
Hi Fish I'm having psycho-dynamic counselling more cos GP recommended local counselling set-up rather than the type. I had been wondering about CBT as my DH found it v effective. I am thinking I might do that next! The psycho-dynamic is proving good at getting me talking again and understanding some of the roots of today's difficulties - ie tiptoeing round emotionally fragile mother as a child, suppressing emotions esp anger... I think a lot of it is about some sort of connection with the counsellor more than the type of counselling. Mine seems to understand what I'm saying first time and coming back with spot on observations etc. Hope that's not TMI!
I think you're probably right about the sleep deprivation. I've been a lot worse the last week since I stopped being able to sleep properly. Also completely understand you thoughts about not being like you mother, and that you made the right choice to have kids. I have had similar. about your maternal grandparents. My DH's dad tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide when DH was a student and that has had an impact on him (and me as last year I was worried he might follow his dad...)
Anyway def get out in the sun! I am back at Docs at 10 then planning to go to my painting class at local college. All the best.
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