should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

i do feel almost giddy with relief shaky

DD has been fine since those 2 episodes, she is on iron tablets and looks and feels so much better - she has a bit of colour and seems much perkier. Im putting it down to lack of iron (she had a blood test which showed she was very lacking in iron) Thank you for asking.

[ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone]

I'm glad she is feeling better, it must have been pretty scary for you both.

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

thank you shaky

what i am worried about is that i seem to have given her the worry gene.....she is very sensible and level headed, but she does stress about getting things 'wrong'.

Since starting the iron she seems to have been in much better health and the GP has reassured me if it happens again he will refer her to a cardiologist. So far so good though.

[Barkyboots]

So glad to hear that you've had a positive supportive response from work Vicar. I can imagine that that must be a huge relief. Well done.

[Barkyboots]

So glad to hear that you've had a positive supportive response from work Vicar. I can imagine that that must be a huge relief. Well done.

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

thanks Barky it is such a relief. It may only be temporary relief but at least i can concentrate on feeling better with that weight off my mind. Im mindful though that i think it is the job that has put me here, (or at least tipped me over the edge) I dont think i deal with stress very well, its having a huge impact on my physical health too. I am just so run down. My feet are still horrendous, ive got a cold sore, ulcers, reflux, and this is while im not even at work....

Im nervous now about going back to occupational health but i clearly need to find a way of dealing with stress. I just hope my usual supervisor will be as understanding as the one who saw me yesterday.

[TheSilverPussycat]

A word about volunteering for Nini. I used to be employed by Mind, they were v understanding about my fluctuating moods. They were equally (or more!) understanding with their volunteers. It can be v helpful to service users to talk to those who understand from first hand experience, and you will be well supported. I also used to volunteer for CAB - they always understood if I had to ring in at the last minute as the black cloud of doom had descended.

Will pm you about service user involvement.

[HellesBelles396]

Vicar, re DD: this is a concern I have with my son. I spoke to an educational psychologist and she said to emphasise effort rather than result eg "well done on completing your homework, I can tell you worked really hard on it. it makes me feel very proud when you do your best". It's tough-going because I tend to focus on getting things right rather than doing my best but it'll pay off if it stops him ending up with A&D.

[TheSilverPussycat]

I was a worry-wort. Am pretty sure that I have AS and in my case this had something to do with it. (At 60, I have now asked to be professionally assessed and psych is doing referral).

Not saying this is necessarily true in other cases, btw. And I grew out of it.

Some people are just naturally worry-worts, as well, imho.

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

funny you should mention AS.....runs in our family and i seem to have picked up the anxiety that comes with it - DS has diagnosed AS and DH often says we are two peas in a pod. DD has Dyslexia - im pretty sure we are all 'touched'. I need to find a way of dealing with stress without fretting all the time - its got to the point where i cant enjoy my days off due to fretting about things i need to do when i go back. I so wish i was more laid back, but it seems my kids and me are all cut from the same cloth. DH is uber laid back....how he puts up with me i have no idea.

[TheSilverPussycat]

Vicar I knew your DS has that diagnosis. BTW, it seems to manifest differently in girls - they are more likely to be better at social skills. I am hyperlexic and intelligent also , but hate routine (hence I think I have inattentive ADD as well) - anyway, since I started accepting and understanding the odd way my brain works, things have improved tremendously.

Am 100% sure DF (early 90's!) has it as well. He is all about 'the right way of doing things' - which may have contributed to my worry about being wrong!!

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

I think my problem is i dont know what was learned from an abusive childhood, and what is intrinsic in my make up. I used to think my anxiety was learned from a child hood walking on eggshells with no way of winning, and yet both my children have had solid loving upbringings and both seem to be worriers. Maybe they have learned that from me. maybe its just there within us.

We are all similar but DD is more like her dad, which is odd, laid back on the surface but a worrier, and people pick up on that quite quickly with her - i have no idea. i rarely fit in i do know that. i talk all the time, yet i cant open up without feeling stupid. I sometimes feel very torn about my career choice - sometimes i think that there should be more people like me in the police, with kids with SEN and who can empathise with shit situations, and other times i just feel what the hell was i ever thinking.
i work with some lovely people, but i also work with some bullies, one of whom does not believe women should do this job anyway. I sometimes think to do this job you need to be very self assured and secure with who you are. which i arent. And because it all feels like such a huge disappointment i feel a failure. I keep thinking there may be a niche for me, but i wonder if i am clutching at straws.

im rambling now.

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

In a way it doesn't matter how it arises - the problem becomes that, never getting things wrong because of worrying, you never learn that getting it wrong is not necessarily the end of the world. Also, I found that I generalised 'rules of goodness' - for example, I never cheated at school, and then thought I couldn't ask for help at work!

Of course it's good to have people like you in the police, Vicar (and your knowledge from the job has helped many on MN), but I do understand what you mean about entrenched culture

Anyway, hope you are finding yourself able to relax a little or at least stress about Christmas for a change

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

thank you silvery i am feeling much more relaxed for now, knowing i dont have to think about work for a few weeks is a huge weight off - im trying not to stress about how fast it will go.

the only reservation i have is that i cant tell if the sertraline is working or not.

[EdwiniasRevenge]

I've been lurking for a while. Not brave enough to post.

I could have written 90% of your op. The taking kids to school, going home back to bed then getting up 15mins before the eldest are due home is my current routine and although I hate myself for it I.am content with that.

I am a trainee teacher, signed off indefinitely. I want to quit the PGCE but my gp won't let me make any decisions ATM. I'm currently avoiding calls from tutors (they no why I'm off but I don't know what to say re returning). I'm a single parent and my dcs and xp think I'm carrying on as normal (still doing normall before school and after school.clubs and routines) although I think they have sussed me now.

I'm on a diff ad (fluoxetine). Most days I don't know if its doing anything...but then if I miss a day I know about it so I guess it is stabilising my mood and anxiety even if its not lifting it.

At my worst I couldn't hold a 5 minute conversation. My sentences were incoherent. My.memory is gone, if someone interiors me I lose track of what I was going to say. I'm better than I was but still don't feel able to function normally. My dcs have clean clothes for school, they have free school meals fortunately and can feed themselves in the evenings because they can and I am lazy enough to allow them to. Bills are being paid late. Parents evening letters and stuff are replied to late.

I hate hate hate feeling like this. I feel so physically ill, and so exhausted. I have such a nervous tremour I can barely thread a needle. I have lost at least 1 jeans size. I can't believe how ill I feel and how incapable of getting out of bed I am. I'm scared about how poorly I feel (tho not suicidal or anything) I haven't had a shower for 8 days. I need to dye my roots.

I haven't even told my mum I am off sick let alone the fact that I have had a breakdown. She is coming for christmas and I'm not sure what to say. We are.not overly close.and she lost the love of her life in spring (which is one of my stresses which have contributed in various ways to my stresses).

Anyway. Sorry for offloading and hijacking your thread. Like I say your op was so so so familiar and this felt like a safe place. Stay strong. You are most certainly not alone.

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

edwinia - writing that must have taken some courage - i know how i felt when i wrote the OP. I was just fed up of people thinking i was strong, and coping, but thats what i felt i should be. not this.

ive no real idea what im going to do long term.

im sorry you are feeling so crap.

how long have you been on the fluoxetine?

There is a support thread on this board for anyone on ADs, its really supportive and so friendly, why not join us on there?

im praying that when i go back - (if??) that the drugs have kicked in. The gp says they wont take away the problems but might make them easier to cope with. God i hope thats true.

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Thanks. I'll take a look tomorrow.

I think I just want my 'issues' down in black and white and am hoping that might give me some focus to deal with them and life. One day at a time.

One more issue I need to put down in black and white is that I have mould growing on my pans. The pans that I used to cook a meal 11 days ago which still haven't been washed :(

I.am so disgusted and disgusting at the moment but I don't know how to change that. Well I do physically but don't know how to make myself physically move my body to do it IYSWIM.

It will all be sorted before my mum.arrives...cos I will blitz the place and bribe the dcs to help. This is so not fair on them :(

Thanks for.listening to me rant.

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Oh and I've been on fluoxetine since mid Oct. Initially 20mg per day but.increased to 40mg per day after about 3 weeks. Still being reviewed by Dr every month.

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

Edwinia having been in a similar space myself, I would say focus on having a shower. I have in the past spent days trying to make myself have one, knowing how much better it would make me feel didn't seem to help, but eventually I would have a 10 second feeling of motivation, then I rushed to the shower before I could change my mind! And it did help.

Flylady has an emergency clear up strategy. I have also done the blitz before Christmas, fine once I got going, but be careful of burn out.

Maybe you could do with a change of AD after Christmas?

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

edwinia - if my DH wasnt here to do the washing, cleaning, cooking i would be in the exact same state - dont beat yourself up. Do what you can, when you can. There is nothing wrong in getting the kids to pitch in.

Would your mother be sympathetic if you told her you were struggling?
I agree if you still feel like this and have been on the ADs since oct i would look at changing them - its a pain in the arse but would be worth it to feel better.

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Thanks guys.

I haven't got onto the ADs thread yet. I slept till noon and then have been on the go ever since.

I still haven't managed a shower, but I have dealt with all the mouldy pots.

Tomorrow will be hair dye and shower day. It has to be. I have to put on my face the world face on Friday for dds assembly at 9...and therapist is going to think I'm miles ahead of where I am cos I will have a smile painted on. Ho hum...

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

well done for dealing with the pots. i have days where i can, and days where i cant. My lounge and kitchen need hoovering daily, but they havent seen sight nor sound of it for 3 days.

would a bath help more than a shower? sometimes i feel better in the evening so i tend to have a bath then, rather than step into a cold bathroom for a shower.

be honest with your therapist - how you look on the outside is no reflection of how you feel on the inside - i speak from personal experience here - no one woul have a clue that im struggling just now. not unless i told them. (or they popped around to see me and found me in bed....but no one comes here so thats not likely)

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Thanks....just to let you know I'm showered!

Smelling fresh

No grey hairs

:)

Right that's me done for the day...

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

that deserves a ive not washed my face yet....i might have a pj day as i have no place to be today. ill see how i feel in a bit - i struggled to get up today.

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Thanks. It took half an hour of procrastination. But I did it.

Did you get up?

I can't believe how hard getting out of bed is. I probably wouldn't have done it if I wasn't meeting a friend. I just cannot motivate myself, so unfortunately I can't offer any tips. Just company.