I can't stop thinking about dying ...

[adifferentname]

I wonder if anyone else suffers with this. It's beginning to ruin my life. Since I became a mother I think about it all the time, working myself up into total terror at the thought of leaving my lovely dd witn no mother. She's 3-and-a-half and is totally devoted to me, as I am to her. I've had a lot of problems in the past with anxiety and depression so I'm no stranger to how thoughts and fears can take you over, but these thoughts are new to me and I don't know how to handle them. I lie awake in the early hours getting lost in scenarios in which I die, suddenly, and she's left with dp who does his best but is pretty flaky about most things. We have no immediate family to turn to and few friends with kids. We really are a unit of 3 people. I'm in my 40s and I keep hearing stories of people dying of heart attacks / brain haemorrhages or getting cancer and they fill me with such terror. I get sweaty and panicky. I also feel like it's ruining my every moment. I'm doing something like tidying up dd's things and I'll think 'who will do this for her if I'm not here' or I see her reach another milestone and I feel tragic that I might not see another. It affects me in so many ways it's hard to list. Dp's under a lot of work pressure and I don't want to worry him with this.

I hate to sound so miserable. I have financial worries and some health concerns (constant headaches and exhaustion) but generally I'm with a partner I love with an adorable daughter and I wish I could pull myself together.

TIA

It is a help, Rowlers, just hearing that I'm not on my own with this one is a help.

It's so mad. Every waking moment when I'm not occupied with something that needs to be done immediately I find myself in tears having somehow or other mentally gone down some dire story of my dying. And even when I am occupied I can't enjoy things because it creeps back in again. I get on so well with dd, it's a very special relationship, but all I can see is the tragedy of such a wonderful relationship being cut short by my death. It's pathetic. When I realise that I'm caught up in one of the cycles of miserable thought I tell myself loudly 'no!' and change the subject in my mind. Then the next thing I know I'm there again. It's like living with an axe hanging over my head, waiting for it to fall.

I'm going to bed now. Thanks again everyone for sharing your experiences with me.

erm I said medication, not meditation. relaxation exercises/tapes/diaphragmatic breathing can help to a certain extent with the anxiety

Sorry I misread that you said medication not meditation . Medication I'm in two minds about having spent a long time on ADs in the past and not found them particularly helpful I'm reluctant to go that route again. I also had horrible side effects from them in the first few weeks. I may well have to reconsider it if things carry on I realise.

I've had such an awful afternoon. Really considering getting some medication.

That may be a wise descison. I also find bach flower remedies quite good you can get the rescue remedy or aspen which is good for fear of all kinds. I hope you're on the way to feeling better soon. Also i dont know if you do any exercise but this is great for anxiousness and depression and you can actually get a program at your local sports centre on perscription from your GP thats what im having when i finally feel upto leaving the house to get to the gym!

Re exercise, I ride my bike a lot and I chase dd around in circles for much of the day. But I don't manage to get to a gym or anything like that. I wouldn't have time for it at the moment.

Just wondering, have you ever had any counselling in the past for your anxiety or depression?

sazzle, I've had years of different types. 2-3 years CBT, then 5 years in psychotherapy, plus various other people along the way. I've also taken 3 types of AD.

I started the thread really to see if other people suffered from this particular kind of anxiety. I know only too well what my own psychological problems are and despair now of how to change them.

I've had this before too & its horrible.
Mine first kicked of when dd1 was 8 months old & around the time that my gran died.I became ill with vertigo & dizzy spells & used to sit & feed dd1 in tears at the thought that if anything happened to me,she'd be too young to remember anything about me at all.My GP diagnosed me with PND & prescribed anti-depressants,but I stopped them when I found out I was pregnant with dd2.

I've been ok for the past year or so,apart from general anxiety,which I think I'm stuck with.But FIL has been very ill & just been given weeks to live & I can feel myself starting to worry again.

I'm sorry,I've no advice for you,but do know what its like.

Why are you embarrassed, different? I've felt this way before w/my PND. There's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. These are feelings that go w/the disease. My disease has a biological basis in my brain; the more it's exposed to the public, the less people will feel unnecessary shame about it.

Have you started keeping a journal?

When I felt this way, I began my journal. I write every day to my daughters, even if it's someone else's words, evne if it's just the weather and what we had for tea. I open always w/a quotation and note whatever book I am reading. And in the journal, I'm just me, a woman who is their mother. No holds barred. I began just be being flat out honest: I tell you this because you have made it worth telling.

I call it This I Tell You and More.

It's helped me deal w/these feelings and left a legacy for my daughters.

Try writing to your daughter. Tell her exactly how you feel. Keep it in a safe place and tell your partner to keep it for her, and if anything should happen to you, to give it to her when she's 16 or 25 or whatever.

I have felt at times that fearing death is a luxury.

Thank you mirage. And expatinscotland. I've kept a diary actually for many years but not one for dd, although I do have a document on the computer that I add to from time to time making a note of her various milestones / quirks. It's not about me.

One of my big fears about dying when I was at really low points was that my DDs wouldn't know me as a woman. Hence, the journal. It's VERY no holds barred and I don't want them to see it all until they're quite old. But I have no regrets about anything I write, b/c it's only a reflection of who I am.

hope you are doing better today!

Thank you expat, I do like the idea a lot actually. Although I'm not sure I would really dare to write what a really feel. I grew up with a father with severe depression and a very tragic past history. He died when I was 17 and I have felt so haunted by his sadness, such a burden to carry round. I'd worry about passing that onto dd. In case she wasn't 'big' enough in herself to want it. IYSWIM?