How often do you think about suicide?

[MadamMemoo]

And does anyone else find it a really comforting thought? I obsess about drowning atm and when I think about being submerged in the water it feels like it would be so calm and peaceful.

[bbbbob]

there not their. Sorry, mum would have kicked my backside for appalling spelling!

[bbbbob]

didldidi your post has given me some uncomfortable thoughts. I'm the same as you.

[kizzie]

bbbbob - so sorry about your mum

Clearly I didnt stay away very long !

Memoo - I think I found Virginia Ironsides thoughts useful (I think it was in an old book called 'Threads of Hope' which someone who had had depression pulled together thoughts from other sufferers) because it was like saying - right youve put that in its place now. Now just concentrate on trying everything you can to make each day or each week or each month just a tiny bit better.

the other thing I meant to add is that I dropped the idea of trying to get better completely. Of course that was the long term aim. But short term my aim became to improve each symptom (or even one of them) by 10%.

It took away the pressure of thinking 'if these breathing exercises dont make the anxiety go away then theres no point in doing them'.
Instead I thought - 'I'll try these and they may just improve things by 10%. 10% is better than nothing.' etc etc

And I also tried to thing of a 'basket full' of remedies. Rather than one thing being the remedy cure. So medication might help a bit, exercise might help a bit, cbt might help a bit, diet might help a bit, etc etc etc. And all those bits added up together might be the way forward.

Sorry another long post - its such a horrible horrible thing. And i just think if we all share our tips etc then maybe it will make things a little bit easier x

[kizzie]

sorry 'magic' cure

[Chocattack]

TheOriginalFab thank you for posting that. I thought it was just me that felt like that. I fear not succeeding.

[MadamMemoo]

Oh Bob I'm so sorry about your mum. I'm sure she loved you very much. Depression is a terrible illness. You feel so much pain it becomes unbearable and the reason people commit suicide is nothing to do with the people around them or because they don't love them it's because they can't stand another second of the pain and the suffering that they feel.

Hearing the other side of this has really helped me too. Hearing about the pain suffered by those left behind has made me realise that despite all the thoughts I could never actually do it because of my children and the pain it would cause them.

Take care xx

[MadamMemoo]

Kizzie, I've started doing something similar. At the moment I concentrate on trying to be well enough to get up, showered and dressed and to care for my DC. The housework, cooking etc can wait because I can't cope with doing all that too. Poor DH has to pick up the pieces but that's just the way it has to be at the moment.

[bbbbob]

Thankyou madam and kizzie.
Yes my mum did love me very much, she was fucking awesome! A complete rebel and was always there for anybody.
It has taken me a long time to realise and accept that it wasn't my fault.
I just know that for one moment in time she wanted the pain to go away. And it did. If she had just waited for me to get home from school it might have been different, or if she had had this sort of forum to go to for support it might have been different, thats why, as hard as it is to read to about people with suicidal thoughts, I think it is so important that I do. Its important for people to be able to come and post and be totally honest.
but fuck I miss her. She was an inspiration. She was the only one who didn't realise how important she was.

[MadamMemoo]

Bob, your last sentence has actually made me cry xx

[didldidi]

bbbbob - my colleague at work was trying to talk me in to going on a sunbed the other day. I read lots of threads them on here today and how people would never go on them because of the cancer risks. I couldn't help thinking "so what?" and not in a 'it'll never happen to me' kind of way...

[didldidi]

sorry that should say I read lots of threads about them on here today.

[Knax]

I've just lost a family member from suicide and it's just so sad that she wasn't able to be helped. Seek help everyone who's feeling like this, before it gets to the stage when you can't turn back. She loved her family so much and now she won't get to see them grow up

[Knax]

Bbob just read your post. So sorry about your Mum. It was my husband's Mum in our case, and she was an amazing woman. So sad for family left behind

[madmouse]

Some of the stories on here from people who have lost loved ones to suicide really make me feel so glad that I sent that text and allowed my friend to get me back on my feet again. I feel guilty enough for what I put him through that night - now I'm myself again I can see how much damage I would have done. Not just to DH and DS, but heck how would my friends have explained it to their children to whom I am very close. And how about my dad...

[NanaNina]

There are so many thought-provoking posts on this thread. I too was touched by bbbbob whose mother committed suicide, and the way bbb is able to think of her lovely mum now.

I too have put dates ahead as in "if I am not better by xxxxx" I will definitely commit suicide. I found it something of a comfort. The only thing was it was difficult to find a month when it wasn't someone's birthday, too near chiristmas etc etc. I did it a lot when my first major episode was building up (15 years ago) and am still doing it following my major episode last Easter.

During the winter I forced myself out in the grey rainy weather (CPN told me it would help me) which it did and still does at bad times. My usual walk took me over a railway bridge and I would/will look over it, noting how high it was. I asked my DP sort of innocently if trains still ran on that line and was a bit relieved when he said Yes. We live near a lovely country spot very well used by walkers, families etc and I recall a day when I was feeling crap a month or so ago and I noted a steep hard sand cliff and thought it high enough to do the job. My main worry is that I won't die but will just be maimed etc.

Lately my thoughts have turned to overdose but I don't know how much you need to take. I do know that my particular type of AD can be "fatal in overdose" but again I would just be worried that I'd end up alive with some awful illness as well as the depression. I joined Exit as I have always believed that we should have the right to control our own destiny, and should know the most quick and painless way to do it if we so choose.

Someone on this post said the "looked up" what to take to end life, but I don't think this is possible, otherwsie why would people need to go to Switzerland. One case involved a GP and surely she would know, but she went to Switzerland. Exit talk about certain substances that can be used, but I don't understand why they can't just find out what is given in Switzerland, or is it kept a huge secret?

The one thing I am certain of is that I would not want any attempt to end my life to involve any other person, which is why when the bad times come and I think I cannot stand the pain anymore and the illness tells me I am worthless etc etc etc, I think of overdose. My DH is going away for a week in Oct this year and I have had this in my mind all this year.

It is a great relief to be able to "talk" about this......and Maddie you are welcome here. You are really struggling and I know you have had enough, but please come and talk on this thread.

[madmouse]

NanaNina those are actually quite worryingly detailed plans and I can only hope that you are totally open to your CPN and DH.

One thing I think you need to be honest about to yourself is that suicide per definition always involves someone else - the person whose job it is to find you. If you took an overdose while DH was away he would first get very worried not to be able to get hold of you and then find your body. Not guilt tripping into staying alive (that's pointless) - just asking you to be honest.

As for what happens in Switserland, and in my native Holland where euthanasia is tolerated, it is no secret what is used to cause death but they are not substances that can be bought over the counter and they need to be administered in the correct dose by a doctor. Who needs to be convinced that this way of dying is right for you. In Holland you would not get help to die if you are suicidal, only if you are terminally ill and about to start unbearable suffering of a physical nature.

[madmouse]

no one should judge you for feeling so much pain that you want to die

it's not a get out clause for the weak - it's a heart wrenching thing

[TheOriginalFAB]

Some times I think it is my only option as I am in so much pain.

[MadamMemoo]

Fab, it definitely isn't the only option. If I've learnt one thing from being on MN it's that even the worst of situations improves with the passing of time.

You sound so desperately sad, please talk to us, between us we might be able to help

[maddie04]

Fab I know exactly how you feel
I have a plan and its my only option
The pain for me will be gone soon

[TheOriginalFAB]

maddie04 - please talk to me, that makes me so sad to read you say that. I will do anything I can to help you, any time and for as long as you want.

[MadamMemoo]

Maddie, you need to talk about this. Am I right in thinking you have 4 very young children? Please if you can't stay safe for you then do it for them. Don't leave your children without a mum. Whatever you think, they need you. Please talk to us, don't make me have to stalk you until you do talk!

[NanaNina]

Thanks lottielou for understanding the relief of being able to express my thoughts on this page without being judged. Madmouse I am sure you don't mean it, and are expressing your concern for me but your last post to me did sound somewhat judgemental and made me think I will not say any more. I also think you missed my point about Dignity in Switzerland - of course I know you can't buy this stuff over the counter and it has to be administered by a dr and is only given for terminal illness (although that is not strictly true because the young rugby player who was not terminally ill but was paralysed from the neck down did die at Dignity in Switzerland. I was simply wondering why organisations like Exit don't know what is used in Switzerland/Holland and why the GP (who must have known) had to go to Switzerland.


Lottie - I know exactly what you mean that thoughts about killing yourself somehow give you the strength to carry on and a target date several months ahead is optimistic when you are in the thick of it. I've had no end of target dates and I'm still here.

As for telling medics how you feel, well as I think I've said before on this thread, when I was on a psych ward for 3 months last Easter, I told more or less every nurse who asked me how I was (which incidentally wasn't very often - I mean nurses asking patients how they are!) and they took no notice. I recall with great clarity one sunny Sat morning and was able to sit outside in the small garden, all the nurses were chatting and laughing about BBQs and parties etc and I felt like an alien on another planet. Eventually one of them asked how I was and I said "awful awful" and in response he said "what's your forward plan" and I said "do you really want to know" and he said he did and I said "to get rid of myself" and he just walked away!

I am pretty sure that I would never commit suicide but the thoughts are there when the bad days come, and we need to be able to express them as I have found this a great relief to talk to others who have had the same feelings.

[madmouse]

NanaNina sorry not judgmental at all!! I am a Dutch trained lawyer now practising here and tend to go a bit cold and clinical when it comes to what are for me essential legal questions.

Talk away

I have seen too much and done too much to judge