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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

How often do you think about suicide?

120 replies

MadamMemoo · 01/06/2011 20:28

And does anyone else find it a really comforting thought? I obsess about drowning atm and when I think about being submerged in the water it feels like it would be so calm and peaceful.

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lottieloulou · 08/06/2011 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madmouse · 08/06/2011 17:28

One very good friend used to know when i was having 'bad thoughts' - he could usually tell and I often felt that by telling him it would take the sting out of it and I would be a bit stronger again.

I only told DH much later - he was severely depressed himself at the time when I was ill - great fun that was

TheOriginalFAB · 08/06/2011 17:02

TheOriginalFAB · 08/06/2011 17:02

I told my DH I had tried to kill myself and he knows that I still wish I could some times. I wouldn't tell many other people and probably not HCP.

lottieloulou · 08/06/2011 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOriginalFAB · 08/06/2011 13:01

How are you today maddie04?

maddie04 · 08/06/2011 01:26

Still here xx

NanaNina · 07/06/2011 12:50

bbbob - thank you so much for your post and of course it should not be deleted. In fact I think those of us with kids and grandkids in my case should read that post every time suicidal thoughts crop up. The words that jump out of your post are the ones about how you and your sister have been left with such sadness and no doubt many more emotions. Makes what my friend said about "passing the pain on to others" is true, but the trouble is when we are really realy rock bottom, we think we will be doing everyone a favour by getting rid of ourselves, and that of course is not the case - the depression talking to us - horrid deceitful, spiteful illness.

I am thankfully going through a good period but I know the next blip will blow in sure as day follows night and I will be crying and unable to face anyone (other than my DP and 2 very close women friends) and I will be feeling ashamed etc etc.

Be good to keep track of everyone on the thread, to support each other through the ups and downs. Maddie has her own thread (which I started by putting a call out for her) and I have posted on that today but I hope Maddie if you are looking at other threads, you will come and say "hi" just so we know you are at least still in the land of the living. Please read bbbobs post Maddie.

MadamMemoo · 07/06/2011 08:52

Bob, I too am really glad you wrote that. I can't imagine the pain you must go through. There is no way I want to put my children through that.

How is everyone doing today? Maddie, hope you had a restful night.

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madmouse · 07/06/2011 08:25

I'm glad you wrote that bbbob - feel for you . So relieved I ended up not doing it...

Maddie hang in there for the kids. Don't believe the lie that the kids will be better off without you. They won't.

TheOriginalFAB · 07/06/2011 08:12

bbbbob, I am so so sorry . Yet again I am reminded my mother is alive and I would trade her in a second for you to have yours back. Mine is beyond words. In a bad way.

Maddie - talk to us. Please please don't do it. I am holding on to support you. Don't leave us please.

bbbbob · 06/06/2011 23:50

I really hope this comes out right, I've been trying to find the right way to post way this.
TheOriginalFAB, maddie04 , NanaNina MadamMemo - I have no idea of what you are going through. I can't begin to imagine the despair you feel. But as I explained ^upthread^ I have experience of my mum committing suicide.
Yes I have lovely wonderful memories of her, and yes she adored me, but every day I have to fight to make those memories the ones that count. The other memories are too awful. My mum took an overdose. My Dsis (then 19) found her after 24hours. Mum had been in the house all along, we just hadn't realised. My Dsis has never recovered. The last image in Dsis head of mum is an awful one. My sister and I are incredibly close but even now she finds it hard to talk about the day she found mum. Nor will I recover from seeing my mum in a coffin.
When mum died it wasn't peaceful, it wasn't like going to sleep.
It was violent,ugly,dirty and bloody and I truly believe that at the point of no return she must have thought WTF am I doing.
Added to that the police investigation afterwards (yes, police in our house the day we found her questioning all of us) the inquest, the stares from so-called friends, the gossip, the first time I gave birth, my wedding day, it is relentless. I am reminded in one way or another EVERYDAY that my mum chose not to be here.
Please, please, all I say is do all you can to not make that choice.
I'm so sorry if this post upsets you, as I realise (and understand) you need a place to come and confide your darkest feelings.
If I have gone too far, tell me and I will ask to have my post deleted.
Wishing you all strength

MadamMemoo · 06/06/2011 22:43

Maddie, I have to go to bed now but you are not alone with this. Going to PM you my number so you can contact me even if it's the middle of the night xx

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MadamMemoo · 06/06/2011 22:27

Oh sweetheart I know but you can't, it's not an option. You have to fight this. You have to go back to your GP.

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maddie04 · 06/06/2011 22:19

just want to die

MadamMemoo · 06/06/2011 22:13

What's bad? Is something happening to make you feel so bad?

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maddie04 · 06/06/2011 22:11

selfish i know but dont think i can
no one knows how bad it really is here

MadamMemoo · 06/06/2011 22:08

Maddie, I totally get it. I was at that point too, I ended up in hospital and was on 15 minute suicide watch at one point. It was and still is bloody hard work but I got past that point. I still think about suicide all the time but that doesn't mean I have to do it. You can't kill yourself and leave those kids so no matter how much you want to do it you have to keep telling yourself it's not an option. Being a mum means putting your kids first and this is one of those times where you have to put their needs first and they need their mum alive.

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maddie04 · 06/06/2011 21:56

MadamMemoo I do have 4 children but once the decision is made and in your head its hard to escape from it
I understand they will be hurt which is why when i look at them i cry everyday

kizzie · 06/06/2011 10:57

Hi everyone - just one little extra add from me. It seems that lots of people are getting comfort and support from this thread which is always a good thing.

But I just wanted to put in a reminder that if anyone reading this is actively thinking of hurting yourself please please speak to someone in real life.

If you dont think you are getting the help you need from your GP, CPN, psychiatrist... then go to A & E.

Sorry to butt in x

madmouse · 05/06/2011 23:34

NanaNina sorry not judgmental at all!! I am a Dutch trained lawyer now practising here and tend to go a bit cold and clinical when it comes to what are for me essential legal questions.

Talk away

I have seen too much and done too much to judge

NanaNina · 05/06/2011 23:24

Thanks lottielou for understanding the relief of being able to express my thoughts on this page without being judged. Madmouse I am sure you don't mean it, and are expressing your concern for me but your last post to me did sound somewhat judgemental and made me think I will not say any more. I also think you missed my point about Dignity in Switzerland - of course I know you can't buy this stuff over the counter and it has to be administered by a dr and is only given for terminal illness (although that is not strictly true because the young rugby player who was not terminally ill but was paralysed from the neck down did die at Dignity in Switzerland. I was simply wondering why organisations like Exit don't know what is used in Switzerland/Holland and why the GP (who must have known) had to go to Switzerland.

Lottie - I know exactly what you mean that thoughts about killing yourself somehow give you the strength to carry on and a target date several months ahead is optimistic when you are in the thick of it. I've had no end of target dates and I'm still here.

As for telling medics how you feel, well as I think I've said before on this thread, when I was on a psych ward for 3 months last Easter, I told more or less every nurse who asked me how I was (which incidentally wasn't very often - I mean nurses asking patients how they are!) and they took no notice. I recall with great clarity one sunny Sat morning and was able to sit outside in the small garden, all the nurses were chatting and laughing about BBQs and parties etc and I felt like an alien on another planet. Eventually one of them asked how I was and I said "awful awful" and in response he said "what's your forward plan" and I said "do you really want to know" and he said he did and I said "to get rid of myself" and he just walked away!

I am pretty sure that I would never commit suicide but the thoughts are there when the bad days come, and we need to be able to express them as I have found this a great relief to talk to others who have had the same feelings.

MadamMemoo · 05/06/2011 20:39

Maddie, you need to talk about this. Am I right in thinking you have 4 very young children? Please if you can't stay safe for you then do it for them. Don't leave your children without a mum. Whatever you think, they need you. Please talk to us, don't make me have to stalk you until you do talk!

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TheOriginalFAB · 05/06/2011 10:19

maddie04 - please talk to me, that makes me so sad to read you say that. I will do anything I can to help you, any time and for as long as you want.

maddie04 · 05/06/2011 00:02

Fab I know exactly how you feel
I have a plan and its my only option
The pain for me will be gone soon

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