How often do you think about suicide?

[MadamMemoo]

And does anyone else find it a really comforting thought? I obsess about drowning atm and when I think about being submerged in the water it feels like it would be so calm and peaceful.

[MadamMemoo]

9to5 you have nothing at all to be ashamed about, you are amongst people who understand xx

[TeddyMcardle]

I'll never live without the thoughts completely, I still hear voices sometimes, but now I can get rid of them, that is the trick.
Obviously most people make a full recovery, I hope you do.

I'm worried about saying this but what I've told myself is that sometimes you have to take comfort in anything you can, even thoughts of suicide. As long as you don't act on those thoughts. Please don't act on them. My own thoughts on suicide acted almost as a comfort blanket to me when I could not find solace in anything else.
First time I've told anyone any of this about the comfort aspect! But it is an escape, a fantasy, for when there is too much pressure inside your head.
And when you find the right meds, or/and the right therapy, or for no reason at all the lights suddenly come on again and your not wondering around in the dark any more, these thoughts lose their potency and fall away, completely in most people.

[PaperView]

MM - to answer your OP and without going into too much detail - i think about suicide often. In fact one of the reasons that i self harm is because it eases the desire for something that i can't ever have if that makes sense?

[whitedove]

Quite a lot - what does it mean?
I feel low but would never do it wouldn't want to leave my DC's with the legacy.

[MadamMemoo]

Teddy, Im so glad you shared that because that's exactly how it is for me. I won't act on my thoughts but it is a way of escaping when it's all too much and there is nothing else. I feel so trapped in my life and my head sometimes and just fantasising about a way out gives me great comfort, it gets me through the day sometimes. Xx

[Chocattack]

Yes but not drowning.

[MadamMemoo]

Whitedove, the pain the DC would suffer is the main reason I know I'd never do it too.

Paperview, that does make sense. I sometimes have urges to self harm because I imagine it would be like letting the pressure out. Also I think the physical pain would ease the mental pain.

[PaperView]

letting the pressure out is a good way of describing it.

[TeddyMcardle]

It's such a relief to talk about it.
The way I felt, I didn't have any options, everyone else always got to decide everything, I wasn't worth enough to have a say even when I could have done. In one Margaret Atwood's novels she talks about other peoples realities having more weight then her own, that is the only time in my life that I have heard someone describe my whole existence in a nut shell.
Thoughts of suicide were mine, they were something just for me which no one could take away from me.
Everyone wants a bit of you, a piece for themselves, be it the idea of you they have that you feel you have to live up to or just the prison you put yourself in by trying to be what everyone else needs so that there's nothing of yourself left. I'm good at giving people what they need, I learnt it as a child with two unstable parents, you be the best you can for people but not for yourself. And if your good enough then maybe one day it'll go away.
But the suicide thoughts were mine and mine alone, they were my comforter.

I'm really worried about posting this as it may be triggering for people but just in case someone feels the way I've felt most of my life I will, because I won't lie, I still get these thoughts, but I can live with them now. They are less and less, I'm at another dip at the moment but I can still cope.
I am still working on becoming what I feel is a human being in my own right, rather then an anecdote in someone else's life.
Bit even now in this dip, I'm so glad I hung on, if you hang on things do get better.

[working9to5]

Believe me memoo you wouldn't understand if you knew. I'm the reason other people get depressed/

[polarbearkimmie]

at the moment all the time...

And before anyone tells me yes ive told my care co-ordinator, ive told my bf and my mums knows....ive even looked up how many tablets it will take to kill myself and not one persons stopped me getting a repeat perscription....

joys of being bipolar....

[MadamMemoo]

Teddy that's an amazing post. You should be so proud of how you're coping. It's really helping me to read your experiences because I can relate to so much of it. I'm going to hang on too xx

9to5 I read your thread and it changes nothing. Sometimes we fuck up and get it wrong. That doesn't make you some kind of monster who doesn't deserve understanding and compassion. You've had a shit time and your pain is no less valid than anyone elses.

[YoureaKITTY]

I saw this in Active Threads and never having posted in MH before I don't want to intrude. But I just want to say that this time 2 years ago I was in the most massive pit of despair and would seriously think about suicide multiple times a day. Had tried various meds, counselling, CBT. I remember telling my GP that every time some minor thing went wrong in my life (y'know, burning toast, an awkward silence in conversation) my thoughts immediately turned to killing myself, telling her that as if it were the most normal thing in the world, not ever believing that it would change. I'd been wobbling in and out of depression since I was a teenager so I didn't really have a reason to think it would change - felt like I'd been on a downward trajectory for a long time.

But it did. Please, please keep on plugging on - one day that bloody seratonin in your brain will buck up, and you will be so glad you're on this earth, alive. Yeah, when things get stressful that "last resort" thought always comes to mind but I'm able to quash it with an ease that I never thought possible - like squashing a really lazy end-of-summer slow-moving fly compared to being in a swarm of wasps.

Really sorry if this is inappropriate or triggering, feel free to report if so.

[working9to5]

Memoo thank you for not hating me. I still hate myself though

And I feel even more ashamed when i read posts like teddy's. People who have real issues, not just self indulgent crap like me.

I think the problem is I'm very good at pretending everything's ok, and inside i'm just screaming.

[NanaNina]

Oh working 9 to 5 - please tell us more about yourself - this is a thread where we all understand how desparate mental illness makes us, and how it makes us think things about ourselves that aren' true. It is the depression talking to you, about how worthless you are etc etc - it isn't true. I know the things that my depression (when it is bad) tell me - I am guilty for having this illness, I should be able to stop it, I am ashamed, I am not worthy of anyone bothering about me and would be better off out of it. Youdo have real issues, and you are not being self indulgent.

Madmouse - I wasn't judging you (sorry if it came across like that) and I do know how bad things can be for you, and your DH. It's just that it really is a relief to be able to say on here the thoughts that you have and know that others have them too. The medics can't really help if you do tell them. I think it is called suicide ideation, when you have the idea, but know that you aren't going to carry it through. However around 20% of people with severe depression or other awful mental illnesses, do in fact commit suicide.

I have found this thread really helpful because once you type your thoughts on the screen, they seem to be less powerful.
Polarbear can you tell us more and I know what you mean. I told nearly every nurse in hospital (and I was a voluntary patient) and my CPN and the conslt psychiatrist, but no-one could help. A very wise friend said to me that if you do commit suicide, you pass on the pain to the loved ones you leave behind, and I still think of that when the thoughts come.

No-one should worry that their posts are disturbing others, frankly this is one of the most helpful threads on MH I have come across.

[MadamMemoo]

Thanks kitty, it's so good to hear from somebody who has come out the other side. It gives me hope that one day that will be me too.

Nina, I've found this thread really helpful too. The people around me get a bit upset if I mention my thoughts of suicide so it's hard to talk to them about it. I don't know why it helps to know others go through the same because obviously you wouldn't wish this suffering on others but it just makes you feel less alone.

Really appreciate how honest everyone has been on here xx

[madmouse]

It is a helpful thread - and I understand all of you because for a long time killing myself was my get out clause - If the pain got worse I could get out. The only time I actually nearly did it is when I had convinced myself ds needed a better mummy. I shudder when I think back now and am so glad fro the reaction of the friend I managed to text. He was great with my 'bad thoughts' - he used to say 'rather we talk about it than you do it'. That was very helpful.

I wasn't depressed, I had bad PTSD with constant flashbacks, constant high alert and no sleep and sometimes life just hurt too much.

[TeddyMcardle]

Just came back to this, working9to5 please don't take that meaning from my post, I too have felt any pain or difficulty was self indulgent crap.
Pain is pain and however you got there is not important, what is important is that you can get through it. People here can help you with that.

Christ when I think about some of the things I've done, not just awful thoughts I've had, but things I've done, knowing how awful they were and did it anyway. None of us are perfect. You still don't deserve to feel like this trust me.

[Trace100]

Um, not sure if I should post this but I hope it put things in perspective. I have had considerable first hand experience of dealing with families who have to identify their loved ones after a suicide, (including attending post mortems of suicides). Obviously I cannot and will not provide any details of specific cases but what I can say is that in every single case, the families are utterly devastated, are left feeling guilty and have more unanswered questions that they have to live with for the rest of their lives. Even in the case of suicide notes being left, the mental anguish of families is never ending and I am afraid it sometimes results in the suicide of family members who are unable to cope.

[TeddyMcardle]

Yeah I know that Tracey, I actually lost my best friend to suicide and know very well the anguish it causes. Hopefully people have seen this as a safe thread where they can talk about these fundamentally unwelcome thoughts and feelings, in RL you can't talk about it. Because of reactions like your sorry, but that is why I didn't tell anyone when I should have, I knew the thoughts were selfish and stupid already, I knew that even my fantasies of escape and having a degree of control over my life were wrong, suicide isn't the way.
But depression is an illness that logic and knowledge can't cure I'm afraid.

[TeddyMcardle]

Sorry I shouldn't have posted that, I found the content of your post brought back a lot of awful memories for me with losing my friend, I have only ever wanted to talk people out of suicide. I'll bow out of this thread now as it's a bit much for me and I was really rude. Sorry.

[madmouse]

Teddy bow out if you need to for your own wellbeing - but i honestly think you were not rude. Maybe a bit emotional but I'm sure Tracey understands that.

[Trace100]

Please please do not bow out because of what I said. This is a safe place to talk. I would never judge someone elses reactions as I have not walked in their shoes.
What I wanted to do was provide some facts and about what happens after a suicide. Unfortunatly loved ones still have to identify the body, and this can be horrifying depending on the method of suicide. Also, an Inquest is compulsory and this usually takes place months after the death which brings back all the heartache for the families.

[NanaNina]

Still hoping you will come back and talk to us 9 to 5 - no one will judge you - we understand because we are going through horrid times too.

teddy hope you come back. You said something very wise at the end of your post which is so true - depression is an illness that logic and knowledge canot cure.

I would like to post more on my own thoughts but not sure whether this thread is going to cause anyone to be upset. For me it is such a relief to be able to talk about suicidal thoughts, because then they don't seem so scary, especially when you know others are having these thoughts - not because you want them to suffer (as someone else has said) but because it sort of normalises it. I have never told anyone in RL the detail that I have given here. I have told medics that I want to "get rid of myself" but no details.

So what do people reckon - can we carry on or could it upset more people than it helps, although I suppose you don't have to go on this thread - there is a choice.

[madmouse]

Yes Nananina there is a choice, and there is already too much silence about this. I say carry on. It is very unlikely that the content of this thread will make anyone take action that they would not otherwise have taken.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

Once of the greatest bits of wisdom ever in my view....