Mild split personality disorder, perhaps, don't know. Help

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OH is er 'not himself' at the minute, when he gets like this there is no reasoning with him and he can be very irrational and takes comments etc the wrong way and is very defensive.

It will usually start when he gets angry/ irritated about soemthing and can escalate very quickly to the point where he is swearing at me and basicly telling me to fuck off. OK I am not the best at walking away when he starts at first as often I totally disagree with what he is doing or saying and find it hard not to defend myself if he has taken something the wrong way.

He has recognised that he has anger issues and after seeing doc he is on 10g escitlopram, which has perhaps helped a little, I also try not to argue if I see he is going off. But it can be a bit like treading on eggshells when I fear is is ready to pop.

Thing is when he goes he is like a different person, and there is no reasoning with him, whish I suppose is common when people are in a rage, but even whe he calms down a bit I can still tell when he is not quite back, and you still can't reason with him.

Like justnow I came upstairs as he was getting ina rage and told me to fuck off. he came up apparently calm, but told me we have to talk as this isn't working out and we argue all the time and I can't jsut leave things. I quickly realised he was not back to 'normal' so tried to not get to indepth as to wanting to leave etc. I ended up saying I didn't think it was a good time to discuss it as he was tired etc, so he grabbed some clothes and when I asked what he was doing he said leaving I asked why and he said because he doesn't like me.

I know when he is back to normal he will say sorry and all that and say how much he loves me, but perhaps it isn't working out as I can't keeping being verbally abused and trying to bite my tounge. When he is Ok he can talk rationally about it, and even made an other appointment to see doc.

Don't know if this is a mental health issue or an areshole with a rage issue.

hmm?

Just to say, I think you mean Multiple Personality Disorder (Dissassociative Identity) when you say split personality. I can assure you he is not, and it cannot be 'mild'. MPD is the mind's way of protecting us, it occurs after a person has been through severe trauma and the mind splits itself into different personalities so the real you is hidden away safely. It's unusual for these personalities to talk to each other, but in some cases they do. I knew a woman who moved between being herself, being a 30 year old seperate female and being a 3 year old girl. The woman and girl had conversations about sexual abuse incidents and it weas very clear who was present because as the 3yo her actions were young and exaggerated, her voice higher and lisping, whereas as the 30yo she was pulled up tall, snappy. It was terrifying to watch and not simply an angry outburst.

I hope things get better and he can get help with his anger.

Yes I love him and I truely belive he loves me, I do not doubt that.

I have never called him poor or unfortunate.

And for what its worth my kids reallly like him and get on really well with him. Thats not an assumtion thats what they have told me.

I would say that he is making a massive effort to control his anger and is recognising that his reactions are not always normal and well that he was often over reacting, this has made a big differance and he is a lot more controled.

I will pass on the advise about vitamins and supplements.

From comments here and information I have read on the web, I am fairly confident that it is not any kind of personality disorder or other serious mental disorder. I do still think there are still issues from his fathers death and perhaps some other relationship problems within his family. But as I have said I will leave that up to the GP or whoever he is refered to to make that diagnosis.

We are doing not bad this week. Hope it continues, he is intraining for a race event so he is fairly focused on that, he is eating quite well so that might be helping.

Hey, you don't think he is taking some kind of pill thing for his training that might make more agressive?

I believe such things are quite common.

If htis is a new relationship, buy Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, so you understand what's going on, then dump him.

What you are seeing is a man trying to assert his dominance over a household. He wants to be the man in charge and he's going to bully everybody til he gets that way. Then keep bullying them.

smokeandglitter - I don't understand your post at all and I douby the accuracy of what you say. I am not a medic but as a sufferer of depression , I have read a great deal about it and what you say seems very far fetched to me.

Anyway headsdown - think you are doing what I have seen lots of women do on MN - they post about their Hs/Ps whatever and then when posters come in with their opinions which are of course critical of the H/P they become defensive and say "Oh well it's not that bad really"

Just a word of warning - children will often say they love their dad etc even when they are scared of him - because they do in a way but often they don't feel safe and some of them are old enough to know that's what you want them to say. JUst a thought.
Hope for your sake and the childrens that things improve for you all.

smokeandglitter - my very sincere apologies because I have just googled MPD and DID and I see what you are saying. However it seems (as is the case with all MH issues) that there are a variety of opinions on it and I read that some medics believe that this is something put into the heads of people by a therapist and that is the problem. Still others say it is almost always rooted in childhood abuse, usually of a sexual nature.

Anyway sorry again. I do worry though that people "diagnose" on MN when often they are wrong. I never heard of NPD before i came on MN!

what is he training for ? - is he on steroids as they can cause all sorts of nasty side effects
i have been an athletics coach for a number of years and have never come across an athlete being made 'angry' by their training
is he just an arsehole really

Wow its kind of funny seeing all these different replies.
FWIW he is not my kids dad, and they both love him to bits, so much so that my DD is trying to figure out what to call him as she doesn't want to call him just by his first name.
He is not controlling the household as we mostly ignore him when he is off on one. It can just get a bit tense for me when I am trying to de-escalate things though. We have had a good week and a half with nothing more than a few normal grumps, I think its been me thats been in a crappy mood this week for various other reasons.
He is in training for a charity event, def no steroids or anything more than a couple of energy bars. He is enjoying being fitter and hopefully will keep it up after the event.
He is at the doc today and I hope he gets the time to talk a bit more about how he is feeling and dealing with things.

I am not being bullied, but I do think it is best to ignore someone who is in a rage or mood and give them space to calm down rather than trying to square up to them trying to make my own point. He may be wrong and overreacting but me trying to prove he is wrong or whatever when he is all wound up and angry is not going to help is it. Thats hard for me as I like to be right and don't tend to back down when I know I am and that they are being unreasonable, but maybe thats not the best time to do it.
I suppose thats were my conflict resolution traing should come in, its all about de-escalating situations, not escalating them, that doesn't have to mean allowing yourself to be bullied, often its about not shouting and bawling back at the other person you believe is wrong and has lost it, and giving them space to calm down, no use backing them into a corner.

I don't want to defend DP quite agree is can be an arsehole, told him that myself and he agrees too, but I do want to help things improve and continue to have a loving relationship.

'I am not being bullied, but I do think it is best to ignore someone who is in a rage or mood and give them space to calm down rather than trying to square up to them trying to make my own point. He may be wrong and overreacting but me trying to prove he is wrong or whatever when he is all wound up and angry is not going to help is it. Thats hard for me as I like to be right and don't tend to back down when I know I am and that they are being unreasonable, but maybe thats not the best time to do it.
I suppose thats were my conflict resolution traing should come in, its all about de-escalating situations, not escalating them, that doesn't have to mean allowing yourself to be bullied, often its about not shouting and bawling back at the other person you believe is wrong and has lost it, and giving them space to calm down, no use backing them into a corner'

I just want to say that the paragraph above is brilliant op and 100% correct.
I suffer with uncontrolable rage as part of my mental illness and what you said above is how my partner was taught to deal with it and help me through my episodes. It sounds like you are coping really well with your partners problems and I think if he got some anger management you could probably be very happy together, my pychiatrist said to me that a diagnosis is just so professionals know how to treat your symtoms. The diagnosis is not important but treating the symptoms that cause problems in your life is. Get him to have a chat with someone and see if they can help youo and him overcome his anger issues .

"Verbal abuse only."

If he's verbally abusing you, he's bullying you.

There are no consequences for his behaviour, he's being enabled.

"He is not controlling the household as we mostly ignore him when he is off on one. It can just get a bit tense for me when I am trying to de-escalate things though. We have had a good week and a half with nothing more than a few normal grumps"

I think your bar is set really low. It is not normal to have to tiptoe around or ignore someone's moods. You are setting a very bad example to your children by tolerating this.

Does he lose his temper with people in authority BTW, or is it only people with less power than he has who get the treatment?

I don't have less power than him, I am just better at control ing my anger and have learned. To let the little things go.

If you can't stop him verbally abusing you, you have less power than him.

I verbal abuse not one partner shouting at another? has no one here ever shouted at thier partners? or is it different because they are female?

IMO it is only verbal abuse when one partner shouts and the other feels so backed into a corner that they give in without a word said. It is where one partner is frightened of confronting the other. The op is not scared to confront she just does it on her own terms and when she feels she will actually sort a problem out rather that increasing it which IMO is very wise.

It doesnt not matter when how or why the op makes a stand she does not have less power (if what she sais is correct and I will take the ops word for what actually happens between them) if she does make a stand on her own terms.

I have bipolar when I am Manic I become angry and my behaviour is wrong if my partner does not wish to make me even more unwell he knows that arguing will make things worse and now is not a good time to discuss my behaviour. So he waits till I am mentally stable and then we disscuss it. Yes he tiptoes around my extreme mood swings because I have a biological illness and do my best to treat it and he loves me he wouldnt leave me if I needed a wheelchair and as a result made life hard for him. Yes he chooses a time to discuss things when he is not likely to increase my need for sectioning but I assure you he is not abused.

When a toddler is about to have a temper tantrum the better choice is sometimes to distract or ignore rather than trying top get the child to see thier behaviour is wrong while they are so upset, people who experiences large amounts of anger are often better treated as a child with a temper tantrum (because they are often similar the adult has too much emotion to control and like a child acts out) which is what the op claims to be doing. Of course all this depends onif a doctor sais there is something wrong if a doctor said he is not ill then yes he is a arsehole and you should leave him but you really need to get professional help to help you decide whether he is ill or trying to abuse and after you know what is wrong decide if it is something you are willing to deal with.

I must say I was concerned about the OP at first and posted accordingly- having worked a lot with abused women I am used to the 'oh no he's not so bad' line but I like Crawling am convinced now that this is not what is going on here - It doesn't at all sound like the OP has less power than her DP or that she in any way feels helpless. In fact it sounds like he's the powerless one...

Do push him for doing anger management work though OP - it has the potential of making him much happier too.