blip blippity blip

[natsyloo]

I feel a bit like it's groundhog day. I've had PND for 6 months and am being treated with ADs and in the middle of CBT therapy.

I've posted before and only a week or so ago I was saying how good I was feeling since xmas and the good days were outweighing the bad....then a blip came along and I find it really hard to weather the wobbles without thinking I'm back at the starting blocks.

I know rationally I just need to keep practising my CBT and trying to go easy on myself but I find it really hard to remember the good days when I'm feeling blue.

Has anyone got any advice?

have you tried keeping a simple 'mood diary'? It just helps to see the ups and downs and how a good day can follow a bad, and vice versa, and look back at the good days when you are having a bad one. I've been doing it since the New Year and it's really helped.
Another technique to try is to write down the positive things from the day even when you feel you've had a bad day, even 'enjoyed making DD laugh' or 'feeling sunshine on my face'. It will make you more aware of the little positives and may help.
Well done for getting some CBT and am sure that will help more and more.

natsyloo - I understand exactly what you mean about the "blips" - I experienced a severe despressive episode last year and was in hospital for 3 months. Since being discharged last July, I have been climbing the hill to recovery, but with so many blips along the way.

Like you I find it hard to "weather the wobbles" (very good description) without think I'm back at the starting blocks. I like your choice of words. When I get a blip there is a tendency to think "Oh god I am having a relapse and these blips are never going to end" and this of course makes things worse. I am lucky enough to have regular visits from a wonderful CPN and we were just discussing these blips today.

She has introduced me to CBT and of course this kind of thinking is not helpful and willmake us feel worse and so on. When I get a blip it can last anything from 2/3 days to 15 days (longest one ever) and they vary in intensity. I have however finally come to believe that I am not "back at the starting blocks" because they do always go away and the good days return.

My CPN has always said that it is the way I handle the blips that is important and has talked of the need for exercise/distraction etc and I have found that a good walk does definitely help on blip days. I know that I musdt not isloate myself. You obviously have a young baby - I am a grandmother so don't have young children to care for so that makes it easier for me I think.

I keep a diary and "score" every day - my categories are Very Good day, good day, reasonably good day, not good, bad day, or sometimes varied. At the end of each month I add up how many VGDs GDs or RGDs I have had as opposed to Not good or bad day, and am always reassured by the fact that there have been more good days than bad days. I think so long as that is happening, we are climbing the hill to complete recovery. I see blips as stumbling on a rock on the path or even slipping off the path but I always get back on the path and will summit one day (and so will you!)

It also helps to know that these kinds of ups and downs are quite normal in recovery from depression. Sending you good wishes and plenty of blip-free days.

thanks so much for your messages - it really helps.

i'm definitely going to give the mood diary and 3 positive thoughts a go - i always think i'll remember in my head but when you feel down everything is skewed and it's really hard to get perspective.

nina - you're right...it is all part of normal recovery and i guess it's the frustration and sense of disappointment in myself that i can't will myself out of it that makes me feel so bad...and it makes me be so unnecessarily hard on myself.

we will get there - i do believe it. just need to have faith and not panic when things get rough.

good luck and all the very best to you too.

Hi Natsyloo - sorry you're having a blip. But it is just a blip. You got some great advice already so I'll just add my halfpenny.

Have a look at this graph (it's just a random currency conversion not important in itself)

see how the overall trend is up, even though there are significant dips, the overall line is rising. And your healing process (and mine from PTSD) is just like that!

Great analogy - you always expect recovery to be a smooth trajectory for some reason but it makes sense that the general direction is the important bit!

Another one for my thoughts/mood book methinks :)

Hi natsyloo and hello madmouse (see you so often on theMH threads and always value your posts)

I think one of the symptons of A & D is that we think we should be able to somehow do something to get ourselves better, and we don't usually think this if we have a physical illness. I think this is another trick this deceitful illness plays on us.

If you buy the book called "Depression - the Curse of the Strong" (can't remember who wrote it, someone did say recently but have forgotten again - it is a psychiatrist) you will see a graph in the recovery section very similar to the one Madmouse has linked, only it is in relation to recovery. The book is on Amazon and is under £10.

My CPN gave me some photocopies of a very old book called "Self Help for Your Nerves" by Claire Weeks - youcan tell how old it is a she refers to "nerves" BUT she has some really reassuring comments on the road to recovery and when a blip comes I read them again and again - here is a bit of it

"The road to recovery is beset with many temporary failures. It is liketravelling across the foothills towards the mountains. You travel downhill so often that it is difficult to realise that in spiteof this you are still climbing. It is true that just when you think you have turned the corner you can have one of your worst setbacks and you can waste much energy trying to discover why this happens. It is only really important to remember that this will pass and you will continue on your climb upwards on the path to recovery."

Here's to a steady climb up and the ability to cope with the blips.

Thanks Nina - great quote and worth bearing in mind when we're in blip-ville!

I had a really good session this week with my CBT therapist about blips and the constant stream of intrusive thoughts/checking-in on how I feel that I find myself doing when am having an off day, and this can make me spiral downwards again.

I've learned that the issue I have is the significance I attach to thoughts and the emotional reaction that is feeding this cycle - so trying to learn to let a thought in, acknowledge it, try and challenge it and then let it go (that's the bit I struggle with!). Hopefully practice will make it easier each time though.

Thanks again for your advice. Have a good weekend :)

having a rubbish morning :( dh was away this wknd and ds has nasty wheeze and cough which has kept him up the past 3 nights (and me). been to docs a couple of times and they say it's viral. had 2 hrs sleep last night and just called dh at work sobbing because i feel low and am just so fed up with battling this and being at home while everyone else is at work.

have lovely friends, a great therapist, am on ads and taking big strides in setting up pnd support group, so am doing all i can. finding it so difficult to cope with intrusive thoughts about having a baby being a big mistake and wanting to just wind the clock back. don't want to look at him and feel angry or resentful when he's done nothing wrong. makes me feel double poop.

also can't help feeling ridiculously jealous of a friend who says she has recovered from pnd as we were going through it together...which makes me feel awfully guilty. what if i never recover?

i know that the cbt works when you're calm and rational but it seems to go out of the window when i'm exhausted and low.

anyway, sorry for the diatribe...ds and i are going out for some lunch with friends so hopefully that will distract me and cheer me up :)

It sounds like you are actually doing great Natsyloo - you are working hard on getting better and you clearly know yourself so well.

If ds's wheeze is a problem - viral or not- ask the GP to prescribe some ventolin. It's innocent stuff without meaningful side effects and it will just stop the wheezing. Small kids do need some brute force persuasion to take the stuff though.

Oh and your baby doesn't actually feel your thoughts of regret as and when they happen, he just feels your love and cuddles which I know he gets plenty xx

Hi Natsyloo - so sorry you are having a blip - let's hope it's a blipette.

If it's any consolation I am on day 4 of a particularly horrid blip or bad patch or whatever. Went to bed on Friday night feeling fine and woke on Sat feeling scared, flat flat etc. Cried on the phone to my lovely friend and told her I didn't want to be here any more. She said that was the depression talking. Cried on the phone to my CPN yesterday and she was helpful but told me the same as always: calm down (deep breathing) get some food and go for a walk. I did this but it was freezing cold and bleak but I did feel slightly better after this.

We can't help the NATS (negative automatic thoughts) popping up when we are like this, and yours arre about your baby, but it is the depression talking and when you are ok again (as you will be) you won't be thinking that. Depression is a very deceitful illness.

Incidentally don't worry about being envious of your friend recovering before you. I feel envious of anyone smiling, chatting and going about their normal lives when I feel like I do at the moment, and can't even raise a smile. So it isn't ridiculous it is called being human - I have talked with other friends who have had depression and they have told me the same thing. I am not a person to ever be envious of others normally and I'm sure you're not - just another trick depression plays on us.

Mind I do feel for you young mums, having to cope with depression and a baby and lack of sleep. I find it hard enough coping with myself, but then when you have a baby there is no option is there.

Are you keeping a log of good and bad days - I do and this helps me to see that the general direction is upwards with far more good days than bad ones. The trouble is we never know when they are coming do we, or how long they will last.

You will recover N - as I will, but no-one can give us a timescale. At least you are brave enough to go out to lunch. I have just cancelled lunch with friends today. My CPN would not be happy about that, so you have done the right thing.

Keep on keeping on N and you will get there.
Sending warm wishes x

Thank you for your lovely posts everyone. It really helps.

I'm back from lunch and had a lovely chat with my friend who also has a baba and has recovered from OCD. She really helped me to see that the intrusive thoughts are actually only happening because I care and this is why they upset me so much.

Feel a bit brighter for going out. DH gets home in a bit too so it's time to hand over and have a nap.

Nananina hope your blipette finishes soon and gives you some peace. We will weather the storm together :)

wowser - 4 consecutive nights without any sleep and my brain is fried. poor ds is still v wheezy despite ventolin and anti-inflammatories.

had a horrible moment in the night where i wanted him away from me - sheer exhaustion i think. i convinced myself the pnd is caused by not liking him or bonding with him - my head got in such a flap.

called my mum this morning and am going to their house for some much needed rest. hopefully everything will seem much better then:)

Thank goodness we got some sleep last night - i don't think i could have hacked another night of zero sleep and the hysteria that comes with that. Sleep deprivation is officially horrendous when it's continuous and makes PND intolerable.

Not sure why I'm updating this thread but it's always good to document to show we can ride the storm :)

Glad you are updating the thread Natsyloo (I keep worrying I am going to call you Nastyloo!!) So glad you are at your moms and got some sleep last night. You are right about sleep deprivation - it makes us feel really ill and struggling with PND too - you must have a reserve tank of energy somewhere but it sounds (unsurprisingly) that is running out.

How long can you stay at your moms. Hope you can stay till you feel a bit more human from having enough sleep - makes such a difference. Are you a single parent N. Do you live relatively near to your mom. I think you are doing wonders in your situation and the baby will start sleeping through and your PND will get better.

There will be brighter days ahead. Take good care and get as much rest as you canwhile you have the chance.

Thanks for the lovely thread Nananina, yes sometimes my fingers slip on the keys too with the nasty!!

I'm lucky enough to have a supportive DH, the trouble with this week is that he was away at weekend and then the bad nights just accumulated. He's not great at getting up in the night but we shared the duties last night and both got a bit more sleep.

I'm lucky enough to be going away this weekend for a friend's birthday - booked it ages ago and now am super grateful for the timing as it will be the first time I've spent a night, and indeed more than 5 hours away from baba.

I had a nice rest at my folks' - they looked after me which was a real relief and was like being a child again.

You take care too - and keep posting.

Oops, I meant post not thread...

Have a great weekend NL - glad you have a supportive DH. I'm not doing too well today - flat and anxious, but usually improve as day goes on and am ok by evening. Think this is 9th day like this. I must distract myself, but it's cold and grey outside. Should do housework but that doesn't appeal. MN in the warm is a distraction though!

Have a good lie in and don't worry about baba - your little boy will be fine. We used to call our first precious grandchild baba, then it went to boobaloo and is now shortened to Boo. She is 11 next month and she and my other grandchildren are the light of my life. Just want to be on ok nan like I was before all this started.

Must tell myself as I keep telling others "This too will pass"

You sound like the loveliest nana - and am not just saying that. I bet you're the light of your grandchildren's lives too!

I too have had a rough day but like you say, this too will pass :)

Oh NL your kind words have brought tears to my eyes just thinking about my g/chdren. Having a truly awful day and couldn't even talk to my g.dght when she phoned me as afraid I would cry and my youngest son and his lovely chdren will be phoning around 6 tonight and I can't talk to them either for same reason. DP very supportive and going to tell them I am in bed with migraine. Not true. I have been in bed most of day just feeling like I've had enough of all this. Worst day for ages - afraid I am slipping down the path, rather than stumbling or slipping off - sorry I'm rambling a bit - just feel so horrid.

Hope you are feeling better than me!

NanaNina have just read this and wanted to say your words earlier were just what I needed to hear as I also am experiencing a "blip" today. Also that I agree with natsyloo that you sound like a lovely gentle kind person, so caring, and wise too. I so hope you feel better very soon and that tomorrow leaves you feeling a bit stronger. Hope you have a lovely time too natsyloo, thank you for your honesty as it helped me. :)

Nana and Fickle - just wanted to say I hope you're ok. Blips really are the worst, they twist everything and make you think your world is crashing inwards.

You absolutely must believe that it is temporary because it is...even when it feels like the deepest chasm.

I went away feeling rotten, anxious, spaced out and totally not connecting to the people around me. After a two day break in a completely different environment I have returned feeling cheerful and, most excitingly, positively itching to see my beautiful baby boy. Almost brought tears to my eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I know there will be wobbly moments in the future and flat days but sometimes, when there is a ray of sunshine, it can bring an incredible sense of hope and melt a field of sorrow that seemed hard frozen (plaguarised from a beautiful poem I often quote in times of despair and distress).

It will happen for you, I promise xx

Thank you FF and NL. It's strange isn't it FF that there is some consolation in knowing that others are suffering too - makes you feel less alone with it. Your kind words made me cry! Glad you had a good couple of days NL and were itching to see your beautiful baba. Loved the line from the poem.

It has taken me till about 8.00 tonight to start feeling vaguel human. 2 hours on my wonderful friend's sofa is always restorative no matter how bad I feel as she makes me eat and drink and puts her arms around me when I am crying. Gave my DP a few hours break too. Almost afraid of what tomoorrow will bring ...........hope it's better for all of us.

Exciting day for me tomorrow - the PND group I launched in the local area is being covered by the local press linking with a mothers' day news hook.

Really hope it drives awareness and gets more mums to head down and meet others.

Bit the bullet and put myself forward as a case study. I know it sounds a bit 'worthy' but if I can help just one mum feel better and realise that PND doesn't have to cripple you then I'll feel like I've made a difference.

Thanks to everyone who sent me lovely, uplifting messages in the past 7 months...especially during some of the darkest days. I can't tell you how much it helped xx