I have an eating disorder

[ScaredyPants]

Hi, I am bulimic.

No one else knows this though and it's got to the point where I can't stand it anymore. I feel trapped inside my head with the constant need to over eat and then the nagging thought that I have to compensate for my over eating which leads me to usually starve myself and restrict my calories to a ridiculously low amount until I inevitably fail and then end up binging again and the cycle starts again. Or punish myself by abusing laxatives all in the quest of regaining that "pure, clean" feeling which I never actually get.

I know that I need help. I don't want to be like this. I don't want my children to think that this is normal. But I don't know how to get the help because I don't think I could get the words out of my mouth. I'm one of life's cope-ers, I'm the strong one, the one that can overcome anything. No one suspects there is a problem because I don't do problems. It;s like admitting it out loud would be admitting my failure.

I'm not sure why I am posting but I don't really know what else to do and I need to get the words out

[thisisyesterday]

do you have a husband/partner that knows about this? or a good friend?

I would say that if you want to stop and get help then you need to take someone with you to see your GP. That way if you get there and you just can't talk then they can do it for you. Or you could also write it all down and give it to the GP

I hope you can do this and get some help and get out of this cycle

[ScaredyPants]

Thanks for replying.

Nope no partner or anything, I am a single parent.

I am really scared that if I told anyone or the doctor they would laugh at me and think that I am over reacting and infact I am just weak willed and greedy and there is nothing really wrong with me at all. Especially as I am at a normal BMI so I get worried that someone would just think I am over reacting about nothing.

I have thought about putting it down in writing, that is something I think I would be more likely to actually go through with rather than talking to someone face to face. I am just so embarrassed and ashamed.

[ashamedandhorrified]

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time.

I have had problems with both bulimia & anorexia a different low points of my life and i know how difficult it can be. Would paying for some private counselling be an option?

I do agree with thisisyesterday's suggestion of talking to someone close to you.

I found that my eating problems improved once I was happier and more content with my life generally. This is why I"m suggesting private counselling/a close friend, so you can talk to them and get to the real problem.

[ScaredyPants]

I don't really have any one I can talk to, I just feel so stupid. I have accidently turned into the "diet guru" in my friendship group because I have lost a fair amount of weight. I am great at lying about it and giving all the "healthy eating and more exercise" talk so it just feels so embarrassing to admit that the reality is that I am actually incredibly unhealthy and every day is a struggle where food is concerned.

I can't afford counselling but I was emailing with the Samaritans yesterday and this morning wihch was helpful. When asked how this all "started" I ended up bringing up a lot more things than I would have naturally linked with it. I really am the happiest I have been in a while though, a year ago I finished the relationship with my DC's father and that was a really good thing because it could be abusive at times. So I wonder if this is stemming from low esteem or something. But then really I have problems like this with food for at least probably 8 years on and off and in different ways and there were things I could think about from back then that triggered it, so maybe it's just a general cumulative effect and thats why its really bad now, I don't know.

Also I have noticed that I am having more issues with anxiety and what could probably be described as depression, I assumed that that was because of this eating disorder but actually maybe it's the cause rather than a secondary effect.

I have already binged again this morning :( I have been trying my best to maintain a healthy 1400 calorie diet (my metabolism is obviously up the creek seeing as I gain weight on a diet half the calories) but I just can't do it. I feel so stupid. I know how to have a healthy diet, I can meal plan and include snacks and it all be healthy with maybe a little treat but I just can't stick to it. I have to go over the top and eat as much as I can. I don't think I can stop from fasting or restricting anymore :( I am so terrified of gaining weight.

Would it be possible to say write a letter to my GP explaining and asking them to contact me for an appointment>? I don't think I could go into the office to tell them face to face :(

[PaperView]

If you make an appt you can give your GP a written letter. I have done that before f v similar issues.

You could also contact the eating disorders association which i think is called bEAT these days.

[JaquesTouatte]

It's good that you can admit to yourself (and to the faceless people on here) that you have a problem. That is perhaps the hardest step. Your next step is to seek some proper help. Your GP is a good first port of call, and there is no need to tell anyone other than your doctor why you want an appointment.

Paperview mentioned beat. You can find them here

[ScaredyPants]

Thanks I have had a look at that website it has some interesting information. I know that I just have to face up to telling my GP, I will write a list down I think.

I went out and met some friends last night that I havn't seen in maybe 6 months and I found it very triggering to be called "tiny" and told how good I am looking because of losing weight. It makes me want to lose more if I am honest I feel bad admitting that because I didn't intentionally get an eating disorder to lose weight or for the attention, as well maybe I think that if I lose enough someone will notice that I have a problem and talk to me about it rather than me like having to confess.

It's hard because whilst I don't want to be stuck like this anymore it's like it's become part of my identity, it's hard to just stop doing it and stop thinking in that way.

[alfiesmadmother]

scaredy pants, you could be me, I could have written the exact post myself except mine started when I was 14 and hasn't stopped, I'm now 30 and terrified too :-(

If you like you can email me x

[JaquesTouatte]

SP, if you allow your behaviour to continue until someone else notices, you will probably have extreme difficulty breaking the cycle. I said that it was good that you could admit to yourself that you had a problem, and the reason I said that is because, as time goes on you will enter into self-denial about this. By the time anyone else notices and challenges you, you will probably no longer see it as a problem, and will have also convinced yourself that the image you see in the mirror is a fat person, whereas the rest of the world will see someone who looks dangerously thin. If your friends are noticing you have lost weight, then you are at risk of suffering physical harm as a result of your behaviour. You say it has become part of your identity, I say, reinvent yourself as a confident woman who is prepared to take responsibility for herself, and make that appointment to see your GP yourself, rather than wait, and have someone make it for you.

[ScaredyPants]

Alfiesmadmother, I am sorry to hear that you are suffering with this too :( It's horrible to feel so out of control isn't it.

Jacques, I do think that I am fat. I know that logically I am not, my clothes size and BMI tell me that I am not, but when I look in the mirror I see too big thighs, fat stomach, flabby arms, it just looks all wrong. If I am really really honest about it, I want to lose weight, I want to stop binging so I can lose weight. And I know that if I were to tell some of my friends that they would tell me not too because there is nothing wrong with me but I can't see that, I wish I could see what they do.

I don't really want people to know my problems, thats why I have become so good at lying and saying the "right things" regarding diets and weight. But for someone else to notice would take the secret away I guess and thats what is appealing. I know the responsibility to get help is mine and mine alone though

[hugebelly]

I'm very sorry to hear what your going through.

Can anyone else suggest anything other than her GP? Anything that you discuss will be confidential, but I'm pretty sure that it's then on your permanent record as a mental health issue - any GPs out there to confirm this?

What was your trigger? Perhaps working backwards to getting back to a happier place?

[ScaredyPants]

I looked at Mind (can't afford it being a single parent on benefits) and also the b-eat self help group but I can't make the group that is nearest to me because it isn't even in this town, and I have the kids weekday evenings anyway.

I am just going to have to get the courage up to phone the GP this week. Going to ask the receptionist if there is any way I can communicate the problem to the doctor first before I go (by letter or email etc) so that they know what I need help for when I go in. Atleast that would stop me needing to bring it up first which is the scary bit!

I just want this compulsion to over eat to stop. Even today I bought a box of cereal bars for the kids, and already I have eaten 4!!! No other reason than that they were there and because they were there I can't stop thinking about them till I have eaten them all. I hate feeling so totally out of control, and I can't leave the cupboards totally bare all the time, thats not fair. Anyway, as well as "treats" I can easily demolish half a loaf of bread as toast or sandwiches in literally 10 minutes and I can't never keep bread in the house.

What started this off the most again has probably been low self esteem issues from my relationship with my ex and that break up, and more recently another man treating me rather unfairly (although I did stand up for myself and didn't let it continue, it did make me feel very down for quite a while)

Just wanted to say thanks for your support to everyone who has replied.

[PaperView]

Sorry i didn't link - i was on mobile at the time.

I have had eating 'issues' for a long long time. Sometimes i welcome them (but would never encourage it in others!) and sometimes i don't notice until i am well and truely stuck. Admitting it it loud for the first time is very very hard. Well done for making that step :)

[ScaredyPants]

I know what you mean Paperview, I kind of see it as one of those friends that can be both best friend and worst enemy depending on what its doing. At the moment the big issue for me is the over eating. I can handle the thought of upping my calories and have been trying, but I can't carry on eating a healthy amount if I keep over eating because I know I will gain weight.

[ScaredyPants]

That didn't make sense, I meant I can't carry on without restricting or fasting if I keep over eating. But if I didn't binge I could keep up a 1200-1400 cal diet as a constant.

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

Scaredy ,fwiw i have been in recovery for 16 yrs and managed to stay the same weight throughout.I eat healthy and I stay active.once I could control the panic of not vomitting and actually having food in my stomach and digesting it the cravings got less.do beat do a telephone support service I remember reading about this a while ago.admitting u have a problem is such a huge step ,well done,I remember just feeling exhausted about the whole thing and very isolated.pm me if u want ,I'm single parent aswell btw ,good luck on ur road to recovery x

[Anouskaa]

Try some self help groups like over eaters anonymous which is a free 12 step fellowship with meetings all over England and very very good for any eating disorder and deifnitely try Codependents Anonymous to deal with the issues underlying the eating disorder - they all worked for me and I am 8 years in recovery now. Good luck!

[ScaredyPants]

Well I did actually make myself go to the doctors last week! I cried pretty much the second I got to the GP's office but he really was so nice to me, and we had a quick chat about possible causes and things. So he is referring me to see a psychologist, the eating disorder unit and also the mental health team which might be more useful for helping me solve the underlying issues from where this came from.

I have looked at over eaters anonymous but I just can't get the time away from the kids to attend. My nearest meeting is on a weeknight and their dad won't have them because he has work in the morning. Thanks for the advice though.

Patience thats really encouraging. I know I have put on a couple of pounds, I am trying my best not to weigh or anything though. i just feel a bit lost with regards to food intake. I have no idea what normal is anymore I suppose!

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

That's exactly where I was scaredy,food portion sizes ,relaxed eating,enjoying meals ,all that had gone out the window I didn't have a clue.
I ate 2 sizes of meal everything or nothing.

Is there anyone u can eat with ever for lunch or tea,
I can still roughly tell u how many calories are in lots of foods but nowadays I don't count calories I just don't eat fatty foods just stuff low in saturated fats.loads of fruit and veg,but basically I got my eating to a place I could have all things in moderation.for me it was all about changing patterns.good luck with psychologist x

[neepsntatties]

Well done for going to your GP, that was really brave. So glad they are sorting some help for you.

I struggled with eating issues for years, got really bad after ds1 was born and I got some help. I found I had to be willing to really let go of behaviours to get better. It won't work to keep just enough of the ed to 'keep you thin' as it will just suck you in. The whole 1200-1400 cals a day for example will need to go. Eating that much will just make you want to binge. I found I had to stop cal counting, throw scales out, leave gym, no food rules, no good/bad foods, don't let myself be hungry etc. You have to be honest and get rid of all behaviours as they just feed each other.

Not saying I have it totally sussed. Just had another baby and I know I am vulnerable right now. I really want to be healthy though and not waste anymore of my life thinking about weight/food or damaging my body.

Good luck!

[ScaredyPants]

Neepsandtatties - I hope this is what the eating disorder unit can help with, clearly I don't really know what a healthy diet is (or I do, but in my head eating 2000 calories counts as a binge). I am trying to stop calorie counting. I don't record my intake any more although I do have an idea of what it is because it's hard to unlearn automatically counting in my head! I am still unsure what approach I should be taking with regards to food rules. I "let" myself have bread again recently but it is a huge binge trigger. I can't just eat a couple of pieces of toast, I literally will eat nearly a whole loaf (10 slices sometimes in one go) so at the moment I don't keep any in the house at all. Cereal is another thing I have never allowed myself, but I am scared to try it incase the same thing happens that did with bread.

You sound like you are in a good place even though its difficult just after having a baby, I hope you continue with your healthy habits and enjoy your new baby :)

Patience - Thats how I feel, like I can either eat nothing or everything. I actually had lunch at a friends today but eating at other peoples seems to make me binge when I get home. I guess it is all about changing unhealthy habits into healthy ones, but it's definitely not easy is it!

[Invisiblesoul]

Hey sweetie. I havnt read all your post but I wanted to tell you I understand. Your not alone and more people suffer than you would imagine. I'm with you. I have seen BEAT councilers, dietitions and nutritionists. It gets cope-able. But I beleive I will have problems with food for the rest of my life. You just learn to manage it and your triggers. You can't do this alone. Pm me if you need anything xxx

[neepsntatties]

I found working with a dietician helpful. I was the same in that I had no clue what normal eating was like. I said all that about behaviour because a couple of times I tried to deal with it I thought I could cheat and just hold on to behaviours a little bit to 'stay in control' but it never worked. You might have more sense than me though!

[Patienceobtainsallthings]

I think it def helps to check out all the surrounding problems and work out a road to self love.I am a recovering co dependent and have read a lot about it ,just answers a lot of questions about why I came to self harm through eating.I will always have this in my world but I am more in control now ie not been sick for over 15 yrs.only thing I know is once I broke the binge purge cycle I didn't have such cravings,I had to work hard to keep busy after I ate and force myself to socialise ie not be secretive.its like any addiction u have to surrender to the fact that ed has made ur world unmanageable and u want to change ur patterns.ur doing great btw cos u ain't sticking ur head in the sand.IME this is as difficult as an alcoholic stopping drinking ,I used to think worse cos I had to eat to stay alive ,I still needed to have food in my cupboards.fwiw bread and cereal were 2 of my biggies too.
ps. I used to think if I wasn't sick everytime I ate then it was a start.even once a day if I kept food in my stomach that was an achievement ,little by little ,step by step x