My family think I have bipolar

[Scaredandalone]

My grandad had bipolar and I have always known I was different, sometimes I thought I was special, sometimes I thought I was normal and sometimes I thought I was evil and here to hurt evil men.

I have often had periods of time as a teenager where I felt so high I felt I could do anything even fly. if I was in a relationship I felt trapped like I was meant to be free and I would go out and do some pretty horrid things. But what made me feel worst of all was I liked feeling this way I liked sleeping with numerous people regardless to whether I was in a relationship, it made me feel alive. I can also be sitting down sometimes and I am looking at someone and I just want to hit them. I feel stronger, special, like all the shit that has happened has happened because I am special. I feel less pain, I don't need to sleep or eat. I see things other people cant like ghosts, or dogs, sometimes I laugh at stupid moments like a funeral.

Then at other times I feel so low like everyone hates me, like I am horrible and everyone is judging me I feel guilty and worthless. No one cares about me and I don't think they should I don't eat when I feel like this because I want to hurt myself I scream and cry until I am shaking and sick, I hate parts of me and I want to take a knife and cut away the infected parts, I cut myself to see me bleed and I hit things to try to feel something other than crying. I pull away from people who love me I run away and hide because I cant stand the thought of them touching me it feels like spiders crawling over my skin.

Then I feel normal, I am confused because sometimes I had a reason to feel bad sometimes I don't nothing happens I just feel that way. Sometimes I feel like I have been so high or so low I have been bouncing off the walls and there is nothing left I stare out non responsive and I feel nothing.

I am 22 years old I have two Dc I have felt this way since I was about 13. My friends always leave because my friends cant take the cold and they get embarrassed by the things I sometimes do. I have never told anyone how I feel because in my heart I know there is something wrong but I just want to be a nice person.

I had a very different experience this past week for months I have been losing interest and feeling bored and unable to concentrate last Wednesday I saw a ghost, I inexplicably felt a urge to go out i felt trapped like the walls were closing in I had to get out, So I went out and I lost control I slept with numerous people and I just wanted to hit people. I felt angry at my partner I felt he was holding me back I hated him he was stopping my fun. But what was different this time was instead of staying high I kept flicking between feeling better than ever and lower than ever. I found it hard to deal because one minute I could feel great and then I could hate myself. I experienced both symtoms. I felt full of life and like I needed to sleep but I had to get out, and then I would feel in physical agony so tired and collapse to the floor.

As I type this I feel nothing not even guilt over what I have done that will come later. My mum wants to get me seen to but I am scared I feel like this is who I am, and without the highs I am nothing. I am also scared my partner will leave me and take my DC if I am diagnosed as being Bipolar. I am not sure if I am tired or if my emotions have run out. I know this is very long I don't expect anyone to read this but I had to put my feelings down.

Gosh, I'd go and see your gp and explain all this. It certainly sounds unusual and self destructive at least.

HI,
You are not a bad person. YOu have an enormous amount on your plate. 22 and two DC!!! You must be under immense pressure.

Why do you think your partner will leave you and take the DCs if you are diagnosed? Is this a rational thought, I mean, has he given you any reason to suggest he would do something like that?

The reason I ask is because, while I have not been diagnosed as bi-polar, I have experienced many of the symptoms you describe. Changing my circumstances helped a lot and relieved a lot of the symptoms.

Either way, you would be better off with some professional help. But I think, if possible, you should try to arrange it yourself. I don't like the phrase "to get me seen to". Seeking help for yourself is something you can do yourself, and it's something within your control and something you should be in control of.
How would you feel about making an appointment with a professional person off your own back? Do you think that's something you could manage?

I have Bipolar Disorder, and I have previously had psychotic symptoms too (this isn't as scary as it sounds, it is seeing/hearing/thinking unreal things, which sounds a bit like you). I got help (and I was very seriously ill) and now I am better. I have support, and I have to keep an eye out for things showing that I am getting ill again, but I live a full and normal life with no medication (although I had some at my worst, and it did help)

Please ask for help. Nobody will take your children, in fact you are more likely to keep them if you are getting help. Please make sure you describe your symptoms fully- it is very important as, for example, being on antidepressants by themselves with no monitoring can be very dangerous for people with bipolar disorder as it sends them high.

You may even get referred to an Early Intervention Service for young people with psychosis. I did, and they have been utterly, utterly wonderful.

Please get help, and let me know how you are getting on. PM me if you prefer - I always use names with "butterpie" in them so I should be easy enough to find

okay, I've read what you've written, and some of it sounds like 'normal' extreme thoughts but a lot of it sounds very very upsetting and difficult for you to deal with - let alone your partner and children, who will be struggling to get through these times when you are not 'yourself'.

I think it's good advice to see your GP. You can ask for an urgent psychiatric assessment, because you are having delusions and your family are extremel;y worried about you.

Take your Mum or someone with you so they can really get the message across - GP might suggest it's just depression or something, but you and I know it isn't.

The good news is these symptoms can be controlled with the right medication - you could have the happy life you want. This is not your fault but yes, for the sake of the kids of nothing else, you need some help imo.

Please try and see the GP as soon as you possibly can. Good luck x

But that is the problem I like feeling like this (when I feel good anyway), I feel guilty about wanting to stay like this. my partner will leave me because I have cheated on him now, I tried not to but I felt I had to or I would explode that is why I pushed him away so I would not hurt him as much. I have been like this as long as I can remember and I think that to take it away will make me a different person. I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression when I was 15. I had two years of counciling.

Butterpie Thank you very much for sharing this with me, I know I have to do this for my children and my husband, but I am so scared I will be someone else if I do did it change you?

People also accuse me of being a drug user as my moods change so quickly.

scaredandalon I've heard that lots of famous bi-polar people such as Stephen Fry and Ruby Wax didn'T have treatment because they thought their creativity and essence came from their disorder.

I think, though, that if you have young children to care for, seeking help is the only option for the time being.

sakura That is how I feel when I am up I can do amazing things I sing better, I can write songs and poems, ideas just fly into my head, I also feel it makes me unique special. It really is a amazing feeling. I know I have to do this for my dc I am afraid of drugs my father was a user I hate drugs I won't take them for anything not even in labor but my mother has offered to pay for therapy if I don't want to take drugs she said she just wants me to see someone.

I know what you mean. I have had times when I felt 'special' and would do stupid stuff like walk for miles, till it was physically painful...and wanting to run away when I was a teenager, and live by myself - I really believed I could do stuff nobody else could, but was never 'brave' enough to carry it out so I stayed normal and depressed and 'unfulfilled' but at least I never got sectioned I suppose.

What was your PTSD about? Could something have affected you so badly that this stuff is all about whatever it was you witnessed or were involved in?

FWIW at 37 I do feel much less panicky about this stuff than I used to 20 odd years ago. But then I've had a lot of therapy and counselling due to being depressed and anorexic. I think it's just a matter of fitting in with society as well as I can, but I do wonder what would have happened if I'd tried out living by myself, flying etc

I think a lot of young people do feel these things and wonder what's wrong with them and often it's probably nothing - or some deeper trauma from years before.

Your first post is such a very eloquent account of your life and your moods. I do think that you should seek help, because some of your behaviour is risky and because of the difficult effect it has on your relationships. But the verve and creativity of your condition also shines through. You deserve to have medical intervention that is respectful of the positives of your condition as well as its difficulties. I think your fears of getting help are exaggerated, and that you must go to the doctor, but I hope that you can get them to respect your perception of your condition (although I suppose that you also have to bear in mind that the manic/euphoric features of the condition might cause you sometimes to overstate the creativitivy and 'specialness'). Perhaps you could print out your opening post on the thread, and some other notes, to help you communicate to the doctor exactly how you feel.

My father was a user of speed and I often had to clean him up and make sure he was okay. I like abusive relationships I like people to hurt me because I feel I deserve it, so I got in a abusive relationship at age 13 I did leave home.

My boyfriend could not understand that sometimes I would love him more than anything and sometimes I would hide my body and push him away. Sometimes I would go out and sleep with numerous people.

He used to beat me physically until I passed out from pain, he would also rape me. I lived with him for two years eventually he raped me and I became pregnant, I had a termination and it went wrong, I hemorrhaged and was referred I was hearing voices, I often do, I went through one of my down states.

You should defo go and see a doctor for the sake of yourself, your dp and your kids. Seeing things is pretty worrying. Do you have any history of epileptic seziures? Sometimes certain seizure types can induce imagined sights. Also if the sex was unprotected, make sure to use a condom with dp. It is unfair to expose him to risk.

okay, you have been through some shocking things and it's probably had a PROFOUND effect on your thinking and feelings.

I would suggest you try to access some proper, long term psychotherapy. You probably aren't bipolar (though no one can diagnose on here, of course!) considering the things that have happened to you though I would say there has been a lot of damage from your upbringing and early life.

This can all be sorted out with therapy. It all needs untabgling like a bit knotted ball of wool. It will take several years at least, but therapy changes you in a GOOD way. It makes your life better and you happier. It doesn't take away the specialness.

Like someone else said, partly the feeling of being so fantastic is an illusion, an overcompemsation by your brain for the things it's experienced.

You're not well, but you can be alright again. Start by seeing the doctor and as Eleison says, take the first post from this thread with you on paper. Also tell him/her about your early life, looking after your Dad etc.

Good on you for asking for help. Your feelings of being special are your brain's way of coping with the hell you've been through. You wont miss them, because one day you won't need them any more.

Op, I don't want to seem rude but you sound seriously unwell. I am very sorry for the events of your past. You really do need to see someone though. You should not go through this alone. Hopefully medication can help you to lead a more peaceful life.

I know I have to see my gp I just need to gather my strength I will make a appointment my mum has said she will come with me, I think I will print this off because I find it hard to explain the words don't seem to come and I feel so afraid that I cant explain because I feel if I tell anyone they will hate me. I have never had a seizure.

If you think you have bipolar disorder you need to get a referral to a psychiatrist - a GP doesn't have the expertise to treat you correctly if that's what you have - they often prescribe ADs which can be dangerous for people who have bipolarity.

I have bipolar, but mine took about 2 years before a diagnosis was agreed - mental health problems are complex and some mimic each other / overlap.

The first time I became ill I had psychotic sensations. I identify with many of the things you say. When manic, I hardly ever slept - probably didn't need more than 2 hours a night and I struggled with a desperate urge to leave the house at 3am. It's kind of like living in a dream.

It's such a dangerous illness (to yourself mostly) and also ime very, very tiring when you are a slave to it, and of course the depressions are really really bad.

It sounds as if you really need help from someone qualified to assess your profile.

nobody would hate you, pet.

You've done nothing to deserve the way you feel - it must be a burden to carry. I have little doubt that your previous experiences are causing these issues.

Try not to worry. People DO get through this sort of thing.

IME, if you tell the GP you are having delusions you will get a referral - I used to imagine people were demons or that the devil was tracking me.

Well done. You are very brave. I know it seems so hard right now but tell yourself that this time next year your life will be all the better and richer for having sought help. You deserve to feel happy, I hope thst your appointment goes well.

Please do go to the doctor. Ask for a referral, as electra says. Print out the thread if it helps. And very very good luck. This is so hard for you. I hope that you can get the right diagnosis and treatment quickly. It needn't blot out your creativity and sense of life. It can give you more peace to be yourself fully.

Honestly, nobody will hate you. You are not well and it is not your fault. You need help and support to get you well.

That one sounds familiar I have often looked at someone and thought I was special and could see inside them and they look like a rapist or a vampire when I feel normal I can see how insane it sounds. Or I hear children crying when there are none and panic that I have to get out of a house.

I do agree that regardless of what is wrong I need to get some help for my children's sake this last one has shook me I really did want to kill myself I had to call a friend to stop me, and I ran out of the house in my pjs to find him. Thank you everyone it feels good to have put this here and know I am not the only one who feels like this and that you are all still talking to me, most people don't like my unpredictability. I usually control my moods by singing but I have been unable to go out and sing in a while, I had thought this had gone away as I have not been like this in a while I felt fine and then for no reason this just happened suddenly it seemed but looking back there were loads of signs.

No one will judge you! You are unwell and deserve sympathy and support. It is no different to having a broken leg and needing an x ray, plaster cast, crutches to lean on and people to open doors for you

YOu sound very insightful. The pain of your experiences screamed through your first post, but sometimes a person doesn't realise that their pain and experiences are connected to their current mental health problems. Sometimes it's denial, sometimes they can't make the link. I think the fact that you have already made this link is very promising.

I would say that being a "parental child" is one of the reasons for your problems. I'm not an expert [please read the disclaimer above this topic] , but as I say, some of my experiences mirror yours. You had to parent your parent, and the double whammy was he was unable to parent you. This has led to an escalation of self-destructive patterns, boundary problems, seeking out abusers.

Your insight is a very positive sign because you are in touch with your pain and this is the step towards healing. Because of the children, though, you definitely can't go through your healing process alone, and you may need some drugs to help give you some perspective.

I agree that you sound insightful and this will help you. The confusing thing about bipolar disorder is that there are times where you feel normal too and during those times you think 'Perhaps I imagined the whole thing'. Keep strong - I hope that you will be able to get the support you deserve.