Trying for a 2nd child

[DrRose19]

Hi everyone,

First time posting so please excuse any faux-pas!
My husband and I have a wonderful 18 month old son, and he is very keen to have another. I have some concerns which I have voiced to him, but he thinks (probably fairly) that I have a tendency to overthink things, and ultimately things always do work out. My concerns are as follows:
• Our 18 month old is a terrible sleeper, up every 2 hours or so (particularly bad when he’s ill or teething) and still likes to nurse in the night! My family is Mexican and consider this quite normal and very normal for him to co-sleep with me. Would I even be able to maintain a pregnancy on this little sleep?
• It would be nice for our LO to have longer undivided attention
• We don’t have family support around and both work FT with our son in nursery. Life is already pretty hectic with one, how on earth do people have two?
•Money - I bring home around £2800 after tax and my husband around £4000, but nursery is around £1000 per month for one child (4 days per week, as my husband is now PT to enable us to claim 30 hours free). We’re based in Oxford, and concerned this really isn’t enough to manage two.

The pros are that I love my siblings and would adore for our child to have one, and I feel our family is not quite complete in my gut. I also wonder if stopping at one is a selfish decision and not what is best for my son?

I love my job, it makes me feel alive, so I really don’t want to quit or cut back my hours. I also struggle with guilt of working and wanting to work a lot as most of my older relations were SAHMs and can be a bit judgmental.

i would love any advice, particularly from anyone who has been in the same situation!

I can’t tell if you are not sure about having by DC2 or totally onboard but worried about age gap?

It is your body that has to endure preg and birth, so your decision (not DH)

I have 2 DC (2 y4m age gap). Currently 3 and almost 1. I would not have been able to cosleep with a toddler and newborn happily! Occasionally my DH works late at night and I have to do bedtime and overnight and it is tough! We divide and conquer. Each parent cosleeps with 1 child. At first DC1 was crying for mum, but we persisted. If your DH is not willing to take on nighttime responsibility for a child it would be a hard no from me. Unless you’re packing your older one off to nursery while on mat leave and try and can sleep with the baby during the day?

A 3y age gap would have been easier - DC1 can put his ow shoes on, climb into car seat (useful if baby is in sling or your arms), walk short distances willingly now (most of the time).

I don’t know if this helps. Could luck with whatever you decide.

Do you need to decide now for health reasons, etc? We have a 3yr age gap precisely because I wasn't feeling like a functional human with my bad sleeper any earlier! Love having two, but so pleased we don't have a smaller gap.

My ds was 18m and a terrible sleeper/cosleeping/breastfeeding child when I got pregnant again. A few things:

9 months is a long time in terms of toddler development and by the time DC2 was born he had changed loads and was only waking once or twice in the night

Night weaning was bloody difficult but essential, took weeks but cracked it around 5 months before baby was born. DH did all night wakes from then on which was essential once baby arrive

Floor bed in toddlers room,.DH slept in there with him and I slept alone until the end of my pregnancy and then coslept with the baby

I struggled with the guilt of going back to work but we needed the money. Nursery fees for two is phenomenally expensive and we live on a very tight budget. This would have been easier if DC1 started school around the time DC2 was starting nursery

As it is, I'm actually v pleased with our age gap having initially worried about it. My kids are very close and love playing with each other, we are almost out of the baby toddler trenches and I've only had 3 years of mentally switching off from work so it feels exciting and feasible to be heading back into the thick of my career now

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Can you not wait a year and have a slightly bigger age gap? More time for child 1 to learn to sleep and less time when 2 will be in nursery at the same time. I couldn't have coped with getting pregnant when ds1 was a sleep theif. Got pregnant with ds2 a few months after he started sleeping through.

Hi, thanks for all the replies, they were very helpful! I do want another one, I just don’t think now is the time, reaffirmed by all the posts on here! I think I’ll wait another year. My only drawback on waiting is I’m 32 now so don’t want to end up with secondary infertility, but I’ll have to leave that in the Universe’s hands I think.

Definitely wait, don't go into it now if you're not totally wanting to. Any decision about having children is ultimately selfish - it's you deciding, not the child. We have one, no intention to have another. I will admit it's selfish, but it's totally the right decision for us. Like you, I love my job and don't want to cut my hours. We also both need time to ourselves for our mental health, and that is much easier with only one. it's no-one decision but yours and DH (but ultimately yours...), don't listen to other relatives.

Please, please, please tell me how you night weaned! My toddler is an absolute gremlin overnight and refuses anyone but me and I think it’s because he wants to be close to the milk supply 😭😭

i have a 16 month old who was feeding a lot at night - I just got my husband to go to her at night, until about 3/4am when i will feed her and cosleep the rest of the night. But getting myself a stretch of sleep before that time is enough for me.

Ah, I see. I’ve been trying to get my husband to attend him, and sometimes it works (until around midnight!) but then he can’t be consoled and he brings him in. My husband really can’t manage him well in the night, he gets angry and yells and swears and bangs things (including kicking a hole in our wall), and I worry he’s going to frighten DS, so need to find a way to do solo!

Well your DH needs to learn to control himself, that's not on! I basically did no milk for any wakes before midnight, offered a cuddle or something water. He was very very sad about it but just kept cuddling and reassuring etc! Then milk after midnight. Pushed it to 1am, then 2am and so on every week or so until finally it was no milk until morning. By then he was having milk first thing and when he got home from nursery, and then DH started doing bedtime (in prep for newborn) so no milk then either!

My husband really can’t manage him well in the night, he gets angry and yells and swears and bangs things (including kicking a hole in our wall)

Please don’t have another child with this man.

You absolutely cannot be having your husband having anger issues like that!!!

Aren't you concerned when you get to terrible 2s and 3 year old tantrums he will be yelling and swearing and hitting things?! Think maybe you need to take a step back and think about if your relationship is healthy before committing to another child, meaning DH will have to step up parenting DC1 solo or sometimes having both. With no family support how will that work?

With regards to night weaning I did have to do a little bit of controlled crying/ferber style of offering water, dummy, cuddles and patting but then back in cot and leaving for 1 minute to cry, reassure, then 2 mins etc
I couldn't have mine cosleep as they'd just fiend for milk all night so they had to go into a cotbed or cot, and at least start the night there before cosleeping later on

Honestly, I had some real concerns the first time my husband lost his temper overnight. I have asked him to cut it out but he considers it a healthy vent for his frustration and dismisses my worries as me overreacting (which I have a propensity to do). During the day, he’s never so much as raised his voice at me or our son. I guess sleep deprivation affects us all differently, and apparently it’s a real trigger for him! I’m dreading the night weaning if I’m honest, but wondering if now is time anyway for my own sake. Thanks for all the advice!

At 32 and with an 18 month you have plenty time to wait. I was 34 and 37 when I had mine and when my first was 18 months, a second wasn't even on my radar! And that was even with a good sleeper!

I have a 3 year age gap and it's absolutely perfect. Still close enough they play together and can enjoy the same activities but also my eldest was potty trained and so much more independent and had his funded hours for nursery which helped money wise too.

Your husband kicked a hole in the wall because your baby was awake / crying? I hope you know how appalling that is? Please don’t have another baby with him, and I’d really be considering if you want a man like that anywhere near your child. No way I’d ever leave my baby alone with my husband if he behaved like that. Of course it’s frustrating if they won’t settle; Ive got annoyed and so has my DH but we tag team so each can cool down; if necessary. But swearing / yelling / kicking is never ok.

“he considers it a healthy vent for his frustration and dismisses my worries as me overreacting”
Sorry OP but this is abuse. Get some help to leave.