37 not married no kids feeling low

[Foresthealing]

Hey peeps - I’m in a happy healthy relationship of 1.5 years so not long I know but my clock is ticking and I’m feeling impatient. I love my partner and we’ve spoken about marriage and kids but I’m older than him and obviously it is more on my mind than his. For him at 30 it’s not so much of a rush but for me I’m feeling the pinch.

I stopped myself for banging on about it but I feel it inside. Has anyone else been in this position?

he’s told me to be patient as it will all come but the internal stress I feel is overwhelming

You don’t need to bang on about it but at 37 you need to have one honest conversation, he may need a couple of weeks to make a decision but for children you don’t have time to wait around.

Yeh agree. He could ditch you in two years and essentially ruin your life. Cards on the table now.

Thanks both! You’re right.

I think I need to have that chat. He’s seeing family this weekend so I might do it after that next week.

the thing is he is an amazing people and we love each other dearly but he has time and I don’t.

Ooft that’s difficult. Big power imbalance.

I might give it a few more months then cards on the table.

I know two couples with a similar age gap and the men being younger, both men elected to marry and ttc before they’d have preferred due to their partners’ fertility concerns, both couples still married, now with teens.

Thank you this gives me hope. My partner is an amazing man and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He’d be a great husband and dad but I can’t help but feel guilty due to pushing it sooner due to my age and not his.

he’s aware of my feelings and says getting engaged is on the cards but I’m like WHEN lol because realistically I want it in the next 6 months max atleast.

I have a fertility test done this weekend and we have an appointment with a specialist in a week so maybe that will help it become more real for him

Hold on, why are you having appointments with specialists and tests etc? This all sounds like a lot of pressure before you’ve even tried to conceive.

good idea to get a check for yourself.

If he’s thoughtful he can easily get information on fertility stuff.

‘Getting engaged’ isn’t meaningful unless you agree on a wedding date and when to ttc.

He’s not unreasonable if he’s unsure after only 18 months, nor would you be, it’s just a tricky situation. He’d be unreasonable to string you along after 2/2.5 years though IMO!

I would have the convo ASAP, I would prioritise kids over the marriage as that could end up delaying things even more.

My dh is 7 years younger.
I met him slightly younger than you...

I had my kids aged 38 and 40.

The reason for this is i was really upfront about what i wanted and timelines.
We bought a house got engaged (he wanted to propose i didnt really care) then married ( quick registry office and smallish wedding) and pregnant in an 18 month window.

You need a sit down a clear plan and a clear convo about how it would work (all the the hard questions) to see if you can get on the same page.

I had severe endometriosis and a big operation in 2022. I had fertility tests back then that came back low. I’ve only been with my partner 1.5 years and he’s aware of my previous condition and fertility but I haven’t had it checked since and due to my age I am starting to panic which is why I had a AMH test. I’m waiting on the results. Atleast this way on the having kids front we will know where we stand more for that conversation

Can I ask did you get married and have babies all within a 18month window of meeting or having the convo?

Thank you 🙏 his family would likely disapprove of us having babies before marriage so that could actually move that along

When you are in your 30s a year is long enough to know if you want to proceed with someone. It is not "still early days". What information do you expect to each learn about each other in the next 1.5 years that you haven't already learnt?

3.5 yrs total

For me, I didnt want to "rush rush" with anyone / someone who was just good enough... i only wanted children if it was "the whole package" (single parenthood def didnt appeal!)

So we moved in quite quickly, after 1 yr we started looking to buy (at this point we knew marriage was on the cards) and at just under 2 years we finally found and bought the house. Once we gpt the house it moved quite fast woth wedding and dc1.
So 3.5 yrs but it was covid so that delayed things a bit.

Also i was slightly more relaxed on timings as

1. i was reasonably confident about fertility as its good in my family and when i had initial bloods done at 35 the results were good.
2. We'd fully discussed what we would do if i couldnt get pregnant and if children were a must for him (iui - yes, ivf - no, donor egg- no, surrogacy - no, adoption - no, childfree would be okay - yes)

we had also agreed if i was not pregnant by my 40th we'd leave it. I did all my research and was taking all the supplements and blah de blah....

Having all those conversations upfront and having a clear plan was def the right thing for me but its maybe not for everyone.

In your shoes id prioritise the kids but i'd 100% get a registry office done before/ when pregnant if needed... i am the high earner but really appreciate(d) the protection marriage gives.

I got married and pregnant by 18mo after meeting in my husband in our 30s. Although we had quite a small wedding which only took a few months to organise. And we bought the house after the wedding :)

I have had previous LTRs which dragged on for years and didn't feel like I learned anything more in the later years that I didn't already have signals for in the earlier years!

I think men are either ready or they're not; I have a few friends where the wife is older and the man married "early", but in all those cases the man's friendship circle already had a few dads in it so it wasn't like he was the only one missing out on boys' night. What is your partner's situation in that respect?

It sounds like a great idea. It will clarify things for both of them. OP can also think about whether things like egg freezing might be an option.

What are you doing for contraception ? If hormonal ( pill/ implant etc) I would stop that now, although I am guessing you will have already in order to be having these fertility tests ?

Throughout history people got married In their 20s. He's a grown man not an adolescent. If he's mature enough to go out with an older woman he mature enough to decide now.

With your pos (drip feed!) about your fertility situation, it is even more understandable you’re concerned. If he knows your situation, he has access to information.

Hi all, so I’ve just received my fertility results and they are low :( my partner is on his way home. I feel devastated

Low in what sense?

I'm sorry that you've received this bad news. Just remember the stats don't determine the outcome.

My AMH was 1.12 pmol/L which is extremely low. I had it done a few years ago and it was low at 3 pmol/L so it’s declined a lot :(

my partner has said he’s open to actively trying now but my fertility specialist said we need to discuss IVF :( I’m gutted

I’m sorry OP 💐 that must have been a real blow to hear. I hope things go well for you if you decide to try IVF

I feel devastated. Going to speak to a specialist on the 17th November. My partner is being supportive