Going from 3 to 4 children

[NikkitaJ123]

I have 3 children. Eldest is autistic and can be challenging middle has adhd but manageable at the moment, youngest (2) is very easy going and been a dream and perfect for our family really helped calm the older 2 down. We're now debating a 4th but worried how it would work. 0-1 I found easy 1-2 I found hard and 2-3 I found easy.

so asking for any experience of going from 3 to 4 children

Barking mad. Don’t do it.

With two ND children, I wouldn’t. I think the elder two need your attention and support, even more than a neuro-typical child and if you had a fourth with difficulties, you would be spreading yourself too thin. You say yourself that things are going ok after child number 3, so enjoy that and let your children enjoy that. I wouldn’t keep going and risk the fourth disrupting family life again. It’s not fair to anyone.

Of course, it’s entirely up to you but this is how I’d feel. I’d also consider whether you have the income to support another and give all children the opportunities they deserve. Also, would you have the space? A lot of ND grow up needing their own space and having an overcrowded home, will not help. If your children share a bedroom now, I wouldn’t bank on that being suitable as they get older.

It sounds like you all have what you need now, you say your 2 year old has brought a calmness to your eldest and that's lovely, but another may change that dynamic. Your 2 year old will get less attention too than they already may get if their siblings have slightly higher needs than theirs.

I found 2-3 the hardest, think it was because suddenly we were outnumbered! 3-4 was easy. Mine are all in their twenties now but I’ve never regretted having 4.

Hi thank you all for your reply. The older 2 ask for another sibling but I do explain that this will mean we may not have as much time. We tend to do things as a family or 1 parent with 1 child having 1-1 then the other with the other 2.

They all have their own room and we would extend so that a 4th had their own room too. Finances aren't an issue as such. Vehicle isn't as we have a transporter 6 seater and looking at a 7 seater car.

The eldest is the most challenging, but he does ask for another baby bless him. Middle is full on at times but manageable and good most of the time with the 2 years old. 2 year old is baby mad bless her.

Their understanding of having a child is simplistic. They don’t know how they will find life as they get older or whether they will need more of your time. They also picture a lovely, quiet baby that will just fit in but this isn’t always what happens.

The decision to have a child should not be based on what they want but on whether you can be sure that you have sufficient support to give them all the time and attention they need, no matter what. It also means considering how it may impact your relationship as a couple, as unhappy parents, make unhappy children. How will you both cope with the potential of a non-sleeper, with then dealing with your other children and presumably working too. Will you be able to have any time just as a couple? If baby doesn’t just slot in, will it fragment your family to spend a lot more time apart and also for your relationship as a couple?

Although this is rarely considered, if your relationship ended with your other half, could you support all 4 children yourself and still provide a large enough house, enough money etc? Hopefully you’d never need to worry about this but the relationship boards on here show it’s always worth thinking what if.

Why?? You already have enough on your hands

You're presumably aware of the high chance of your 2 year old and other also being ND. You need to look at how thinly you're stretched currently whilst deciding.
It may be beneficial for your youngest having a sibling close in age. But only if you can cope easily with it. If you're not a SAHM I wouldn't consider it.

We have 4 but (so far) none are ND. It's hard work but definitely worth it 🥰 having only 1 sibling myself I always wanted to have a bigger family.

You already have a challenging older child who is going to only get bigger and potentially more challenging, a middle child who you describe as full on and good with the 2 year old 'most of the time' whatever that means - plus the 2 year old. Why would you throw another baby into the mix? Your next child could be ND and challenging or even extremely challenging and needing a lot of care.
Why would you not just appreciate the 3 you already have and make sure you give then all the time and support they need. I think it would be very selfish to have another child.