How many kids is too many kids?

[Pinkcountrybumpkin]

I often wonder why couples have more than 2 children. Every family I know with 3 or more children are skint and never have any time or money to do fun stuff. I just wonder is it selfish? And do their children miss out on stuff because there is so many of them? Just a musing really, there’s no right or wrong answer.

All the couples I know who went on to have 3 had the baby hunger. Nearly got me too!

We have 4 and my husband has another two from previous marriage. Ours are grown up now but I loved having a house full. I grew up as one of 4 and my husband is one of 8 so chaos and lots of family is normal to us!

We have 3, we aren’t skint and had fabulous holidays, days out, great birthday parties etc .

The world is made for families for 4 and yes having 3 kids was more expensive than the perfect 2, bit you can’t always pick and choose.

We have 2 - it works money wise and we have been able to send them to clubs, go on holidays etc But I do often think I would've loved one or two more - as they've got older the companionship and the big family feel would be great.

It's weird the way siblings are viewed on Mumsnet.

Two children in a wealthy family can be one too many if they clash and don't get along.

You could argue two children in an average family is one too many if it stops one child being able to pursue a passion to the nth degree, e.g. competitive swimming.

But siblings aren't only an annoyance and in competition for resources and parental attention. They also represent a close familial relationship. Obviously the value of this relationship is difficult to quantify and depends on its quality, but sibling relationships can be an invaluable source of friendship, support and companionship, both in childhood and adulthood.

In families with sufficient resources and strong, affectionate relationships, more siblings can be beneficial.

Siblings can be a great source of support as adults. Shared memories and we help each other in a crisis.

We have 3 and haven’t had to compromise our lifestyle. We still go on 3/4 holidays a year, eat out a few times a week and do activities/ days out at least a few times a month.

I think it would depend on individual family circumstances

Was brought up in a very big family and never thought there was too many. But wouldn't have that many myself due to work/ difficult pregnancies. Our first two were a boy then girl so could have said enough! But knew l wasn't finished and now couldn't imagine being without our third. They are grown up now and he is the easy of all my kids. And l suppose we were fortunate to be able to afford 3 so financially they didn't suffer without clubs, holidays etc

2 is enough for me...... the amount of hands I have to hold when alone with them and also means DH and I are not outnumbered!

Honestly though, it's different for everyone and I don't give it a second thought how many others choose to have. I'm one of 4 and DH is one of 5, neither 'rich' families but we both had happy and healthy childhoods

We have 2 and that’s the right amount for us. We can afford a decent lifestyle for our DCs and can afford to save for their futures too which we wouldn’t be able to with more than 2. So for us 3 would be too many as we couldn’t give them the life we’d want to.

We have 3. Boy, girl, boy. I always wanted 3 and my husband the same. We chose to have 3 because we wanted and it went with the vision of what we wanted for our family. Some days they get on other days not so much but they aren’t really difficult kids so our house isn’t really chaotic. We were lucky.

We had 2 and then they grew up and we missed them so when they moved out we had two more 24 years between oldest and youngest and wouldn’t change a thing I love family.

I often notice that people on MN are horrified at the idea of having lots of children so that there is a bigger support network - e.g. if you have a disabled child, having more so that the disabled child will have family around once the parents are gone. But this is the norm in the majority of countries and has been for centuries. Families exist to support each other, not just to consume resources from their parents. As parents, we pour everything into them during their childhood and adolescence, and then once they are grown, they then can advocate for and support their parents as well as one another. The more children you have, the more the load is spread. The more children you have, the more likely everyone in the family will feel supported by someone else.

Some people can manage 3 just fine, or even 4 if the parents are very energetic people.

After that, something has to give. Children need and deserve more than 1/5 of your attention. There's also a lot of big families where the older children end up raising the younger ones.

We have 4. Soon to be 5. We haven’t had to comprise anything. 2 holidays a year, weekends away, same clubs and swim lessons, parties when wanted, trips.

we pretty much still have the same lifestyle as when we have 1/2 children. The only difference really is our routine changing slightly ie scattered bedtimes. Timetable as to 1:1 trips out etc

Nobody needs more than 2 IMO, the world is hugely overpopulated already. People should be thinking about how their kids are going to get jobs and afford to live, they're going to need all the help they can get.

I’m one of 4 and it was utter chaos growing up.

Consequently, as adults, we went the other way: two of us are child-free and two are one-and-done.

I don’t see the appeal of a noisy, messy house, either for the parents or for the children.

We have three and we have our hands full. Financially it’s okay as we earn well and have help at home, but I do feel stretched thin trying to do everything at work and home and still spend quality time with each of them. I might still have been tempted by a fourth if 2 and 3 weren’t twins… Five blows my mind.

The UK is not overpopulated, and, with the rise of childless by choice couples, families who are willing and able to raise 3+ children are going to be crucial to offset the impending population crisis we have looming over us. Our children are not going to be additional competitors in the job and housing market we currently have - they are going to be living in a country where working-age adults are in shorter supply than they have ever been.

And, fundamentally, no-one needs any children. To reproduce is an innate desire that's both the most selfish and the most selfless impulse. I would argue that having too many children is as much a matter of spacing as it is the pure number of offspring - if you have a 3 or more year gap between your children, or even leave a larger gap, say, five years, in between "batches" of children, you could probably manage much better than if you had just two children but left a sub-one year gap. Having a fifth baby when your others are, for example, 15, 12, 8 and 6, is going to be a very different experience to having a fifth when you have a 7, 5, 3 and 2 year old.

I have three grown up children. I am the oldest of three as is my husband. Three seemed the natural and perfect number for us.

I am one of three ,husband one of four and we have three. It has been brilliant and they are now adults all very different but love and respect each other .

We have 4, all 2 years apart. our kids have definitely missed out on eg after school activities because of cost, and if they were only children I’ve no doubt they’d dress differently and have a lot more stuff (laughs at irony thinking of 15yos room that rivals legoland) but we go hiking, to parks, camping etc, they all game together and two of them talk books all the time (Rick Riordan fans) As it stands our house is chaotic (we also have a dog and a cat) but extremely happy. I think to each their own, you like quiet, fine, go that way! I myself grew up in a family with 4 kids and loved it.

You've hit the nail on the head! I've often thought that the positive benefits of building sibling relationships and networks are neglected in all the 'whether to have another child' (especially 3rd) discussions....it's all about whether having another will take away from giving existing children the material things....but many kids will grow out of hobbies, can adjust to sharing rooms and holidays they had as a child will become distant memories. But siblings are (usually) there for life!

Like adults, children are all different. Some kids would dislike a busy, noisy house, some kids would thrive off it. My older one would love 10 siblings and would organise them into a gang to tear around the house and garden, hang off the curtains and dive-bomb off the laundry basket. That's just the kind of child DC1 is. Other children would prefer space and peace and more parental attention. Unfortunately for DC1, they're not getting 10 siblings so will have to make do with DC2 and the occasional playdate 😂.