Feel sad about prospect of maybe not having another

HettyMeg · 2025-02-23T19:52:29+00:00

On the fence about having a second. Daughter is 3. I'm 37. We earn enough between us to pay the bills but not much left over. Loads to do in house - DIY etc - no time or money to do it. No family support nearby which is the biggie. Ageing parents live hours away and barely ever visit, so do nothing to help unless we visit them. I was an only child and liked it as a child but hated it as I got older and in recent years it has been difficult feeling like I really am the only one to be relied upon. Sometimes I want another baby but other times I stop myself and think I literally couldn't cope as I find myself struggling as it is to balance everything. Feel we are constantly chasing our tail, struggling to keep on top of life. DH even more unsure about a second than I am. Our daughter is an absolute joy and I also fear upsetting apple cart. Any words of wisdom?

Kaleidoscopic101 · 23/02/2025 21:59

Similar here with not much support. Having 2 more than doubles the workload in my experience but I do have ND boys with some medical needs so they aren't the easiest. I had the ill-conceived idea that I'm already doing all the child stuff and therefore another one wouldn't make much difference. Their needs were so different and I felt so stretched and even now older, I couldn't have predicted how different they would be. Things are now more settled ages 6 and 8 and they have a good relationship but it has felt like a long road of a lot of input spreading ourselves thin and I still cannot take them both many places alone. We often have to do separate school runs (even when they were at the same school as would set eachother off with meltdowns etc...) we so often have to go 1:1 but that might just be the ND aspect! I guess it depends how easy your daughter is...you do still have time and a bigger age gap is likely a lot easier than 2 years.

Waterlilysunset · 27/02/2025 22:53

I would have a second and just make life work but that’s how I am!! I always wanted 2 or more children so it was my dream. I’m team 2!!

grangrco · 27/02/2025 23:07

I also vote to have a second child!
In our experience a second child absolutely did not double the workload. We have a 2 year age gap, first child extremely challenging, second just slotted in, both been terrible sleepers, very little help, very little spare money, absolutely no spare time, life is chaos, but so so happy we went for it. I cherish my kids and count my blessings daily. I think go for it!

YearsofYears · 27/02/2025 23:15

We have two and extremely limited family support due to illness and distance. It's a similar story to you, we're often tired and have a messy house. I'm envious of families at school who have two sets of grandparents helping them.
However, what I adore about being a nuclear family of 4 is that we're a real unit. Two adults, two kids and we're really close. While it would be great to have more support and the younger years were tough in ways it's getting easier now and we can get a babysitter in if we want an occasional night out.

Original poster

HettyMeg · 01/03/2025 14:31

Kaleidoscopic101 · 23/02/2025 21:59

Similar here with not much support. Having 2 more than doubles the workload in my experience but I do have ND boys with some medical needs so they aren't the easiest. I had the ill-conceived idea that I'm already doing all the child stuff and therefore another one wouldn't make much difference. Their needs were so different and I felt so stretched and even now older, I couldn't have predicted how different they would be. Things are now more settled ages 6 and 8 and they have a good relationship but it has felt like a long road of a lot of input spreading ourselves thin and I still cannot take them both many places alone. We often have to do separate school runs (even when they were at the same school as would set eachother off with meltdowns etc...) we so often have to go 1:1 but that might just be the ND aspect! I guess it depends how easy your daughter is...you do still have time and a bigger age gap is likely a lot easier than 2 years.

Thanks, that does sound very tough. I agree there is the notion that having more than one child is as easy, or even easier. I've heard people make remarks quite a bit to that effect but everyone's experience is so different. She is a pretty chilled out girl.

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Original poster

HettyMeg · 01/03/2025 14:35

YearsofYears · 27/02/2025 23:15

We have two and extremely limited family support due to illness and distance. It's a similar story to you, we're often tired and have a messy house. I'm envious of families at school who have two sets of grandparents helping them.
However, what I adore about being a nuclear family of 4 is that we're a real unit. Two adults, two kids and we're really close. While it would be great to have more support and the younger years were tough in ways it's getting easier now and we can get a babysitter in if we want an occasional night out.

The messy house thing feels so real, we can NEVER get on top of it. Every time it gets clean or tidy it becomes a tip again. I decided recently that having lower standards is OK for a while as it was making me miserable trying to stay on top of it all and failing. Husband is better at compartmentalising it / not letting it bother him. We tend to take turns to do hour-long blitzes whenever we get the chance but it's hard.

That's such a nice point about feeling strong as a family unit. I already feel that our family of three is a strong unit. We spend vast majority of the time just as us and we both have strong bonds with our daughter. I guess that was one of the things that was almost putting me off having another - changing that lovely dynamic.

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safetyfreak · 01/03/2025 14:39

YearsofYears · 27/02/2025 23:15

We have two and extremely limited family support due to illness and distance. It's a similar story to you, we're often tired and have a messy house. I'm envious of families at school who have two sets of grandparents helping them.
However, what I adore about being a nuclear family of 4 is that we're a real unit. Two adults, two kids and we're really close. While it would be great to have more support and the younger years were tough in ways it's getting easier now and we can get a babysitter in if we want an occasional night out.

A bit offensive, a family with one child are a unit too.

There is nothing wrong with having one, and more people are now choosing to have one.

I have two, but there is a big age gap (9 years) so its like having two only children sometimes!

YearsofYears · 01/03/2025 19:57

Didn't mean to offend anyone by implying that less than two kids isn't a strong unit and both of your families sound good. A lot of my mum friends have chosen one and I totally understand this, they also have a great family life.
Was only talking about my own circumstance and what I meant was that as we don't have much extended family, two kids works well and our own family is enough. We're not under pressure to go to big family get together, we can do our own thing.

Original poster

HettyMeg · 01/03/2025 21:24

YearsofYears · 01/03/2025 19:57

Didn't mean to offend anyone by implying that less than two kids isn't a strong unit and both of your families sound good. A lot of my mum friends have chosen one and I totally understand this, they also have a great family life.
Was only talking about my own circumstance and what I meant was that as we don't have much extended family, two kids works well and our own family is enough. We're not under pressure to go to big family get together, we can do our own thing.

Thanks, I wasn't offended, understood your point!

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