Circumstances not right for TTC

[0ldGr3g]

Hey, I've never posted on here although I've read many other people's posts.
I literally have no where else to turn and I don't know how to deal with this so I'm just looking for advice or anyone in a similar situation.
I've been wanting a baby for the last 3 years but my husband has not been ready. We are finally on the same page now and he has said yes he does want to have a baby, this made me so happy but we can't start TTC yet as our personal circumstances won't allow it! It wouldn't be practical but it's making me so depressed (I already suffer with mental health) and I don't know what to do.
The problem is my husband can't drive, he's beginning lessons in January and I work full time but he works part time but in order for us to be ready to even TTC I think he needs a full time job otherwise I don't think we could manage financially while I went on maternity leave.
But I feel so depressed and empty and cry all the time about it.
Any advice or someone who can relate would be helpful
Thank you
Oh we've both 30 and we've been together 7 years, married for 5 of those years.

He’s never worked full time because he doesn’t drive?

how does he get to his part time job?

It might be worth seeking some help with your mental health, but in terms of practical things, can you start taking steps to work towards the goal being achievable?

We wanted a baby for awhile before we started trying but similar to you there were things we both wanted ticked off first, buying a house, getting married, both being happy in stable jobs with savings behind us etc. It was hard sometimes when we both wanted a baby but still had other things to tick off first but I do think it helped us massively that we had a plan in place and we both knew that we were actively taking steps every day to bring us closer to being able to start trying. Now we have a lovely baby girl and I have to say I am so glad we did wait until we had everything sorted beforehand because it has made pregnancy/having a baby so much easier to not have to worry about those things.

So for you this could look like him starting driving lessons, work towards his test, he starts applying for full time jobs, start building up your savings or set yourselves a savings goal so you feel you’re working towards that?

I would work on improving your mental health as well as him getting a full time job and learning drive before ttc.

I'm new to mumsnet so I don't know if this is how I reply but I will try lol.
I'm glad to hear you had a similar experience and it's worked out for you both! I've tried to stay positive by focusing on our plan and we've given ourselves a time goal, we would like these things ticked off by the end of 2025. How did you cope with being patient in the meantime? Its so hard. Thanks for you reply

Unless he does all the childcare and you return to full time work. Logically the person who contributes least financially is the person who should step up for childcare.

I suspect if you suggest he becomes a stay at home parent, a full time job will miraculously appear for him.

The mental health issues...
I don't want to say that people with bad mental health shouldn't have kids ever but, if it's something that is prone to reoccur in bouts and be severe, I do kind of feel that way. If it flairs up in times of stress... why would you want to do something to make that worse? I can't imagine having a child would be very fun for you if it makes you lose yourself in the process.

Depends on the issue itself of course. If its a new depression for example that you're not prone too, hopefully you could recover before treatment. Or if it's something that you've had but always medicated successfully then maybe all would be well. But...pregnancy may mess with medications.

It does sound that rn you're not in the best place to consider kids. Of course, likely in part to the fear partner won't contribute enough, which is a valid fear by the sounds of things.

Do you feal he would step up as a parent?

Can you take the time he is proving himself
(Learning to drive and finding full time work etc) as time to recover from your illness somewhat?

It is hard, but knowing we were working towards that end goal, and having other things to look forward to, really kept us going. Focus on the little steps along the way, driving lessons, job applications, savings goals and just concentrate on that. Also, just live your life and have other things to look forward to, do all the things that are harder to do once you do have a baby, we did lots of date nights, holidays, weekends away, spa trips, night out with friends etc.

My mental illness is something that I've battled with as long as I can remember. I have successfully been medicating for 12 years but it does flare up at times although I'm getting better and better each time at handling these flare ups.

I do feel that if he got a full time job and could drive he would make a great dad and he would definitely step up. I would want to he the primary carer for baby and work part time eventually.
I feel like if I say oh well there's no hope for me to have children it's sort of been the one thing keeping me going recently. And I know that's a lot of pressure to put on me and my husband because I know parenthood isn't all lovely and easy and it will be incredibly tough and I'm not expecting it to fix my mental illness but if it messes with my mental health it would be a lot to handle! I wish I could just take out my uterus and hormones

you don’t have any support in RL if you have “no where to turn to”?

If you're crying all the time OP please take this year that you've got before TTC to address your MH. We all experience difficult times, but something like waiting a year to TTC when your situation will hopefully be better is not cause for crying every day. You sound depressed so please get some help for this.

Having a baby/DC can be hard on your MH anyway, so it's important to get your MH as good as possible first and also get support in place in case you struggle with antenatal or postnatal depression. Those who are already struggling with their MH are more likely to suffer with these conditions. So instead of feeling sad about having to wait a year, see this year as an opportunity to focus on yourself, get some therapy and get your MH ducks in a row.

his focus must be getting a license
your focus must be your mental health

and when major inroads have been made in both… then TTC

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that your dh could get his driving license (intensive course) and get a full time job while you're pregnant, if he's motivated. Pregnancy is 9 months, and it might take a few months to conceive. So he'd have the better part of a year to sort these issues even if you started trying now. But I'm wondering why he already doesn't have a FT job & can't drive at 30- does it speak to a bigger issue of him still being a bit childlike and that's what's making you depressed?

is he applying to new jobs?

I would not proceed with ttc if he doesn’t get his act together and get a full-time job. Right now you still have choices about who becomes the father of any children you have. You want one who will actually step up to the plate and meet his responsibilities.

Kindly, if you're crying all the time now just wait until you have a baby! I can't help but wonder whether you're subconsciously hoping a child will be the panacea for other problems. Trust me, it really won't.

i can’t believe you’re even considering TTC in this scenario

'If it messed with my mental health'
Well I mean of course it will tbf.

Having a baby is one of the hardest things anyone can do. People in peak condition struggle and fall apart. Post natal depression affecting one in three etc... plus the utter exhaustion.

I'd say to anyone even in their peak form, to do a lot of reading on how pregnancy and childbirth affects women. Plus, consider how stepping back to no work or part time work 'eventually' potentially puts you in a very vulnerable place too. Be sure you feel up to it and it's worth the risk for you. Work out if you could do it as a single parent just incase. Do you have lots of family support for example?

I'm glad he's a good man but he clearly hasn't stepped up yet. I'd wait to see that he can first. And that when holding down a full time job for at least a year, he still contributes equally in the household and doesn't defer that to you. Because if he does, you then know he won't step up for the baby.

It's easy for someone to be a good partner who pulls their own, when they only work part time.

Hold off for now. Talk through any medication risks with your gp. Eg: how your medication can be affected by pregnancy and how that could be resolved.

And be sure you're not caught up in 'this is what I'm supposed to do' as an idea. Or like pp suggested, you think it'll fix or complete things in some way.

If I knew my mental health was already shot whilst with a supportive person who I loved and we met ends meat together...I wouldn't rock that boat for all the tea in China personally. I'd focus on feeling better and enjoying the good thing I had.

And if I was your husband, I wouldn't want to risk losing you for some non existent kid. I'd just want you to be well.

We're not...that's the point? I would love to be in the position to be TTC but we're not there yet. But it's getting me down as it's something I would very much love. But as a few helpful people have pointed out, while we may not be ready right now I can use this time to work on my mental health, hoping the therapy I have lined up in jan will be helpful.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I'm feeling slightly better about it. I think I just need to try and stay positive, which in my case is hard to do because of the depression but I've gone through a lot worse so i know I can be strong.

And for those of you asking why my husband has never worked full Time before. He has but he stepped down from his manager role a few years ago to help me while I was suicidal. And he was a big support, he helped every day.
Then covid hit and it was a struggle for him to get back into full Time work. He also hasn't learned to drive yet because he hasn't needed to, he used to live in the city were public transport was very reliable but we now live in a very rural area and he walks to work most days.
I have a very supportive family too. I'm just struggling with being patient.

Does the driving thing really matter? It obviously depends on where you live but we managed ok with just me driving until last year.

Would you be happy with him doing more of the childcare if he remains part time?

Definitely get therapy going so you have a good foundation before adding any pregnancy/ new baby hormones into the mix.

but if your husband did drive, then you would be TTC

and
on the basis of your posts that would not be at all sensible

Well I mean someone to get her to hospital when in labour would be useful.

Think op said he worked part time.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But if I'm honest I'd be reluctant to go back to full time work myself if I got by with part time atm. So I'd check he actually is on board with that before trying for kidd.

OP you really need to get a good grip on your mental health. Parenting with a mental health condition is hard. I have bipolar disorder and have two children. Luckily for me, in neither pregnancies or after was i unwell, so it doesn't mean that you will suffer, but there is a far greater risk involved. I've never been suicidal, but for your depression to be that bad it took you to that point you suffer greatly.

Please, please, please get yourself in tip top condition before thinking about adding a baby to the mix. Dp must also be driving and working full time. That's not an option. He needs to be in a position where he can support you and the baby.