To have or not to have (2nd child) - advice & opinions welcome

[OneLemonEagle]

Firstly, what am I asking? I think just for peoples opinions on our situation, I realise all this is deeply personal, and there is no wrong or right.

So as per the subject, this is about my wife and I's decision to have or not to have a 2nd child. First the context; We have one child (12 months old) who is wonderful and we are both very happy we had him. However the subject of having a 2nd or not is somewhat divisive.

• Neither of us have any family close by or a large friend group, closest is 2.5 hours away (my wife's are in another country).
• We have a not insignificant age gap in our relationship, 12 years, I am about to be 42 and my wife is 30.
• No major health issues to speak of.
• Financially we are "OK", we cover our bills, don't have a huge amount left over.
• We both work, myself full time and my wife 3.5 days a week (financially we both need to work and personally we both want to work, my wife has said clearly she doesn't see herself as a full time mum)

Naturally I lean towards not having a second child, coping with the ups and down of sickness from nursery, new born stage, financial impact, personal time and space, how well we feel we can raise one vs two. I also worry a lot about how my wife would cope with two. It has been tough going at times with our son, and the major factor for me, is my age, being an older dad, no one knows how long they will live, plus energy for the early child hood stages.

Naturally my wife would lean towards having another child and the advantages it could bring especially for our son in terms of having company, as a child and as an adult.

Its also worth adding that I do see the potential advantages of a 2nd, I want my son and wife to be happy, and as such I have said to my wife if we are going to do it, then we need to do it now, before I get any older, 3, 4 years time even 2 years time, I've said its a firm no. (the prospect of actually going through with it however fills me with anxiety)

Also worth adding is that my wife has said that the idea of going through being pregnant again, coping with the new born stage and the real major anxiety of how to deal with 2 young kids with no familial help close by is scary. She has said clearly, that the main drivers for her wanting a 2nd are mostly for our sons benefit, she doesn't feel much of a deep personal drive for a 2nd.

Thoughts?

At 30, with a 12 month old, it's very likely the urge for another child will return in a year or so.
It's both hard and lovely having two - think of how much you love your current dc, and you get to have all that love again.
I certainly found my second baby easier as I had been through the process once already.
I would not have been ready for number 2 when the first one was only a year old though!

Don’t do it for your son. The siblings might not even get on. It sounds like you are both doing it for the sake of it rather than actually wanting another child. I don’t think a couple of years is going to make much difference, 40 isn’t old to be a parent (even for a first time parent). Don’t rush into this huge decision, enjoy your son while he’s young and revisit the decision in a year or so when you’ve both had time to think.

Reading your post the only “for” is to provide a sibling for your son, not because you actually want two children

It’s nonsense that ‘42’ is an older Dad, you’d probably be on the younger side around here (SW London), I know several Dads turning 50 who have preschoolers! However, it really sounds like you don’t want to. The only reason either of you can give is for your DS but the sibling relationship is by no means a guarantee so I don’t think that’s a good reason at all. But given your wife is only 30 and you’re nowhere near as old as you think you are (!) then you don’t have to make a decision now. Perhaps revisit in a year or 2 and see if there’s more on your pros list then.

No. Siblings aren't guaranteed friends, so many don't get on or even bother with each other. Having one child is absolutely fine.

It's too soon to decide. Having two very close in age is hard work. However, you are not too old at 42.
I agree with PP, there are a few dads around me that are in their 50s with primary aged DC ( I wouldn't recommend it).

Your DC would be fine as an only.

I have two, fairly close in age and they do entertain and play with each other a lot so we're lucky in that sense as it feels easier.

Go for it. My parents in law were both only children that married each other and, quite frankly, they both showed all the typical only child traits. Particularly a total inability to deal with confrontation and argument. Which made for an oddly stilted relationship.

I was really ill with postnatal psychosis after my first. Recurrence rate of 50% so obvs it was a big decision to have another.

A book that helped me decide was "Only Child" by jill Pitcathely (surname might have incorrect spelling but it'll be available online im sure)

This book is comprised of research and only child experiences and is largely negative about sticking with one.

I did have another and remained well. In fact, enjoyed the experience of 2 so much, ended up with 5! Was never ill again and thoroughly enjoyed our large brood. All adult now.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Only-Child-Survive-Pitkeathley-1994-02-24/dp/B01LPDZ9GK

Link to book - well worth a read and i think it is there on world of books 2nd hand if you don't want to pay that price.

42 might have been considered an older dad in the 80s and 90s - it definitely isn’t now. The average age at my DCs nursery is mid thirties - mid forties but there are late forties parents too (& I live in Manchester not London like pp).

I’d consider 30 a young mum though so I can understand why your wife wouldn’t want to rush a 2nd out and would prefer to wait a couple of years!

Honestly long term, is waiting a year or two going to make that much difference? I don’t think there is much in 42 vs 44.

If you think you’re old at 42 then it’s a bit late now, you’re already old with a 1 year old. Makes no sense to make your child an only child because only now you have suddenly realised you are old, that ship has sailed.

A few years isn’t going to make much difference to you but will allow your wife to fully recover from pregnancy and birth.

Absolutely do not have another child for your son's benefit. If it is not from your heart you will end up resenting your decision. The siblings could end up not getting on/constantly fighting/hating each other and that's only worth it if you really want another child!

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

To follow up on my post, I firmly believe your relationship with your parents is way more significant and impactful than those with your siblings.

I am one of 4 and my significant MH issues which caused decades of depression weren't noticed/were overlooked by my parents (started in teens) - and even now (40s) my mum won't acknowledge it. She simply didn't have the bandwidth to cope with all 4 big personalities and huge issues we each had (in very different ways).

Gone off on a tangent there but it is really the wrong decision to have another child to provide a sibling. None of my 3 siblings really "get" me nor are any of them the first I turn to in a crisis.

If you feel too old to happily make the necessary sacrifices, then you are too old. You should only have a child if you actually want one, not to placate your wife’s broodiness/hormones/FOMO or for the naive belief that siblings are necessary/will get on.

Stand your ground and sort your contraception.

An old book that likely trots out the outdated tropes about only children.

I saw someone write on a similar thread a few days ago: 'you'll never regret having another child but you might regret not having another child' and that's stuck with me.

We are in a similar position where we don't have much help, if any. DC2 is now 2 months. You just make it work. Don't ask me how, it's a blur most days but you just get on with it. I suspect your wife's motivation isn't just to give your DC a sibling, and probably yours either. If you're both even thinking about another child then deep down there's some sort of 'calling'

I have 2 (toddler and 6 month old), no family support (nearest sibling is a brother 3 hours away. Mum and dad live in France- both don't/wont fly). My husband works very long hours.

Having 2 is wonderful. They're so much fun.

Note, my toddler still goes to nursery 3 days a week so I'm lucky. I will be going back full time with both kids in nursery