Gender Disappointment

Willsoo · 2024-06-01T06:01:45+00:00

Firstly, please don’t judge!! I have two lovely boys aged 4.5 and 2. I really do adore them. Although it’s hard work and they do fight with one another, I couldn’t live without them. I come from a very girly family. My mum was one of 6 sisters and growing up, pretty much all my cousins were girls. I’m relatively close with my own mum and I always assumed growing up that I’d have a girl. I’ve always dreamt of having a girl. Someone who I had hoped could be my daughter like the relationship I have with my mum- doing all the lovely girly things we do together. I felt some disappointment when the first boy came but it very quickly passed. I was just grateful to be pregnant after having a hormonal imbalance and struggling to conceive. I knew I always wanted at least two children. When the second came along and I found out at 16 weeks he was a boy, I did feel quite upset. I knew my husband wanted just two children and I felt like I was mourning after a daughter I probably won’t ever get. My mum now has 4 grandsons, two from my sister. My sister feels similar, in the fact she wants another baby (a girl) but isn’t quite as honest as me. She is 2.5 years younger than me and has said they’re going for a 3rd baby. I often feel like my mum is also disappointed and would like a grand daughter too. It makes me feel sad that we won’t be in a similar situation soon with our children. I’m now at the point where I’m thinking I would like to try for another baby. My husband however, doesn’t feel the same way. It upsets me because I’ll be 34 in December and I have fertility issues myself. I have had to take clomid to conceive twice now. We’ve been through quite a lot as a family recently, including a 250 mile move from home. So I understand at times why he thinks it’s not a good idea. But at the same time, my heart mourns for another child and I know I will regret this decision when I’m older and can’t have children anymore. Has anyone ever felt the same? Does the feeling subside? Please no judging- I am so grateful and love my little boys to bits, nothing will change that.

Letsgotitans · 01/06/2024 07:06

I found this a useful read when I was disappointed with the gender https://www.antenatalandpostnatalpsychology.com.au/information-posts/gender-disappointment-grieving-the-idealised-child

Grapesgrapes · 01/06/2024 07:10

What if you decide to have a third child but it's another boy? Or you have a girl but she's a tomboy who wants to be like her brothers? Men determine the sex of the baby so you might end up with another boy.

TemuSpecialBuy · 01/06/2024 07:13

But at the same time, my heart mourns for another child

your heart mourns for a daughter (and I get that can be hard) and that it separate from loving the children you already have.

You’d prob benefit from some therapy if your DH is firmly “no more”.
if he is open to a third (while I have personal reservations) about it Cyprus do sex selection.

helloene · 01/06/2024 07:21

It's perfectly natural to have a preference, men are so obvious in their preference for a boy and presumption other men will be hoping for a boy but despite most women hoping for a girl we're still expected to hide our feelings and smile because we're mum.
I get it.
I cried in private when I found out I was having a boy and many years later I found discovered I was pregnant again with a girl and I was ecstatic and she's my absolute world I love both my kids but it's only ok for men to jump for joy in public because it's a boy.
Men believe a boy is the fairer sex so they punch the air with delight at their child having the privilege a penis brings and are openly disappointed when it's only a girl.

Grapesgrapes · 01/06/2024 07:26

@TemuSpecialBuy you shouldn't promote sex selection because then the daughter may have lots of expectations on her and the boys may feel unwanted.

@helloene decent fathers wouldn't think boys are the fairer sex. Unless you're dating Henry VIII?

Overthebow · 01/06/2024 07:28

Is it another child you want or a daughter? There’s a 50% chance you could have another boy.

Tygertiger · 01/06/2024 07:34

If you have two the same, your odds next time are not 50:50 - there is slightly more chance you’ll have a third of the same sex. If you don’t want another boy, I wouldn’t try for another baby.

All I can say is, my children are older than yours and my DS is a lot more like me than my DD and we do more things together. You just don’t know how things will work out.

vanillaclouds · 01/06/2024 07:40

Grapesgrapes · 01/06/2024 07:26

@TemuSpecialBuy you shouldn't promote sex selection because then the daughter may have lots of expectations on her and the boys may feel unwanted.

@helloene decent fathers wouldn't think boys are the fairer sex. Unless you're dating Henry VIII?

Oh come on...
Unless you've been living under a rock most of your life you know most men know the privilege of a VIPenis.

YouveGotAFastCar · 01/06/2024 07:45

Anecdotally I know far more men with a preference for a daughter than a son…

But that’s irrelevant, really, as is the suggestion of sex selection, because OP hasn’t said her husband wanted four children but now doesn’t because he’s got his two boys. She’s said he wanted two children, which they’ve got.

To be honest I’m not sure it is a yearning for a baby, but a yearning for a daughter, and to keep up with your sister and give your mum the same amount of grandchildren. I suspect you’d feel a lot of relief if your sister dropped the idea, or announced another boy, and you’ll feel worse if she has a girl.

It’s probably one to talk about with a therapist now, and split out what is about a new baby, what is about your imaginary daughter, and what is sibling jealousy, and then get tactics to deal with each of those things.

redraspberry · 01/06/2024 07:51

It's definitely very real, I wanted a girl so badly, I had two gender scans to double check.

I'm lucky I got one of each but it's different.
I spend so much time with my daughter even now she's grown up and my mum was always my best friend.

I go to cafes and shopping and walks with my daughter and mum and we talk for hours on the phone, same as with my own mum but with my son it's more about supporting his achievements.
He does old cars up with his dad but wouldn't enjoy a Costa with me and his sister so much.

Admittedly I never do any of those things with my dad either though.

Also when my daughter was pregnant I was her support and we enjoyed shopping and baby things same as my sons wife had his mum for that so I get to be main Grandma with my daughters children and accept paternal grandparents are second.
It is different having a girl but that doesn't guarantee you'll get along.
You're not being unreasonable for being honest about your feelings and it's perfectly ok to mourn a relationship you wanted but personally I wouldn't have a baby in case it's a girl because then you'll be stuck bringing up 3 boys.

Statistically though men are more likely to stay with woman who give them sons so you have that as a pro.

littlewhiteberry · 01/06/2024 07:58

Don't do it.
I know a couple with 4 boys who wanted a girl and they really struggled financially with 4 children.
Far better to give the two boys you have your time, money and attention than keep having children you don't otherwise need especially if hubby doesn't want a bigger family.

bluelagooner · 01/06/2024 08:05

redraspberry · 01/06/2024 07:51

It's definitely very real, I wanted a girl so badly, I had two gender scans to double check.

I'm lucky I got one of each but it's different.
I spend so much time with my daughter even now she's grown up and my mum was always my best friend.

I go to cafes and shopping and walks with my daughter and mum and we talk for hours on the phone, same as with my own mum but with my son it's more about supporting his achievements.
He does old cars up with his dad but wouldn't enjoy a Costa with me and his sister so much.

Admittedly I never do any of those things with my dad either though.

Also when my daughter was pregnant I was her support and we enjoyed shopping and baby things same as my sons wife had his mum for that so I get to be main Grandma with my daughters children and accept paternal grandparents are second.
It is different having a girl but that doesn't guarantee you'll get along.
You're not being unreasonable for being honest about your feelings and it's perfectly ok to mourn a relationship you wanted but personally I wouldn't have a baby in case it's a girl because then you'll be stuck bringing up 3 boys.

Statistically though men are more likely to stay with woman who give them sons so you have that as a pro.

Possibly the most goady post ever made considering this is a thread about not having a daughter but don't listen to a word.
There's probably a reason their son and his wife go to her side of the family with the grandchildren.

kfiend · 01/06/2024 09:52

redraspberry · 01/06/2024 07:51

It's definitely very real, I wanted a girl so badly, I had two gender scans to double check.

I'm lucky I got one of each but it's different.
I spend so much time with my daughter even now she's grown up and my mum was always my best friend.

I go to cafes and shopping and walks with my daughter and mum and we talk for hours on the phone, same as with my own mum but with my son it's more about supporting his achievements.
He does old cars up with his dad but wouldn't enjoy a Costa with me and his sister so much.

Admittedly I never do any of those things with my dad either though.

Also when my daughter was pregnant I was her support and we enjoyed shopping and baby things same as my sons wife had his mum for that so I get to be main Grandma with my daughters children and accept paternal grandparents are second.
It is different having a girl but that doesn't guarantee you'll get along.
You're not being unreasonable for being honest about your feelings and it's perfectly ok to mourn a relationship you wanted but personally I wouldn't have a baby in case it's a girl because then you'll be stuck bringing up 3 boys.

Statistically though men are more likely to stay with woman who give them sons so you have that as a pro.

Stuck???! Wow

Outliers · 09/06/2024 10:44

I can relate. I'm sure to have second child of the same sex in a month.

I always wanted a big family but I'm accepting the possibility I'll likely have more of the same.

Leavemealone2024 · 08/11/2024 12:05

TemuSpecialBuy · 01/06/2024 07:13

But at the same time, my heart mourns for another child

your heart mourns for a daughter (and I get that can be hard) and that it separate from loving the children you already have.

You’d prob benefit from some therapy if your DH is firmly “no more”.
if he is open to a third (while I have personal reservations) about it Cyprus do sex selection.

Old thread I know but I couldn't scroll past without highlighting how disgusting it is that you are promoting sex selection.

Turnups · 08/11/2024 12:15

You say "my heart mourns for another child" - but does it really? Or just for a girl?

If you had another child and it was a boy, I’m sure you would still love him but everyone would know or guess that you had wanted a girl really. I would feel sorry for him.

I once knew someone who always desperately wanted a girl. After two sons she unexpectedly had twins - two more boys. She had to cross the road to avoid certain shops because she couldn’t bear seeing little girls' dresses in shop windows. You don’t want to be like that.

ginasevern · 08/11/2024 12:18

helloene · 01/06/2024 07:21

It's perfectly natural to have a preference, men are so obvious in their preference for a boy and presumption other men will be hoping for a boy but despite most women hoping for a girl we're still expected to hide our feelings and smile because we're mum.
I get it.
I cried in private when I found out I was having a boy and many years later I found discovered I was pregnant again with a girl and I was ecstatic and she's my absolute world I love both my kids but it's only ok for men to jump for joy in public because it's a boy.
Men believe a boy is the fairer sex so they punch the air with delight at their child having the privilege a penis brings and are openly disappointed when it's only a girl.

Bloody hell, what century are you living in.

Leavemealone2024 · 08/11/2024 15:13

helloene · 01/06/2024 07:21

It's perfectly natural to have a preference, men are so obvious in their preference for a boy and presumption other men will be hoping for a boy but despite most women hoping for a girl we're still expected to hide our feelings and smile because we're mum.
I get it.
I cried in private when I found out I was having a boy and many years later I found discovered I was pregnant again with a girl and I was ecstatic and she's my absolute world I love both my kids but it's only ok for men to jump for joy in public because it's a boy.
Men believe a boy is the fairer sex so they punch the air with delight at their child having the privilege a penis brings and are openly disappointed when it's only a girl.

100% If you are with a man that acts like this, that's his issue. Don't generalise and chuck all men in with this ridiculous stereotype. My son, and daughter are loved to the ends of the earth by both me and their father. Also penis privilege? Come on now. Both of us enjoy great careers, I'm the breadwinner by quite some margin and have absolutely not been held back by not having one.

fratellia · 12/11/2024 17:48

redraspberry · 01/06/2024 07:51

It's definitely very real, I wanted a girl so badly, I had two gender scans to double check.

I'm lucky I got one of each but it's different.
I spend so much time with my daughter even now she's grown up and my mum was always my best friend.

I go to cafes and shopping and walks with my daughter and mum and we talk for hours on the phone, same as with my own mum but with my son it's more about supporting his achievements.
He does old cars up with his dad but wouldn't enjoy a Costa with me and his sister so much.

Admittedly I never do any of those things with my dad either though.

Also when my daughter was pregnant I was her support and we enjoyed shopping and baby things same as my sons wife had his mum for that so I get to be main Grandma with my daughters children and accept paternal grandparents are second.
It is different having a girl but that doesn't guarantee you'll get along.
You're not being unreasonable for being honest about your feelings and it's perfectly ok to mourn a relationship you wanted but personally I wouldn't have a baby in case it's a girl because then you'll be stuck bringing up 3 boys.

Statistically though men are more likely to stay with woman who give them sons so you have that as a pro.

It can 100% be a self-fulfilling prophecy though… you were desperate for a girl and you already had very set and specific ideas that only girls can have a close relationship and spend one-to-one time with their mum, that you can only be a ‘proper’ grandparent to your daughters children… when you already have that mindset it’s hardly a surprise that you end up with a secondary relationship with your son. It’s sad for the boys in these situations.

Or in some cases it’s sad for the girls who don’t conform to the standards their mum has built up. I know plenty of women who live hours away from home and have no plans to have children. It’s hardly uncommon nowadays.

As for ‘stuck’ raising another boy? Plenty of women are absolutely delighted with sons and have zero desire for a daughter. Such a weird and horrible outlook!