Boyfriend not sure on kids

[H34rtbroken]

Hi,

I know there have been other threads like this but I’m heartbroken and don’t know what to do.

My partner (40M) and I (31F) have been together for 5.5 years, since I was 26 and he was 35. When we first met he said he wasn’t sure he wanted kids and I wasn’t sure either, as I have had a lot of gynae problems and only have one ovary, so had sort of tried to suppress that instinct. However this is the best relationship I have ever had, we are so compatible and happy together and I adore him (which has never wavered) so within 6 months of meeting, I realised I would love a child with him. I told him how I felt and he said he still wasn’t sure but he thinks he will change his mind.

Fast forward to now and he still isn’t sure. It’s become a big issue between us in the last 2 years and this time last year, I sat him down and said I needed an answer either way. He said that he had been thinking about it, seeing his friends having kids etc, and did see it in our future. We agreed that we would have a child after buying a bigger property. He also agreed with my plan to have some fertility tests (on myself) to ease my mind a bit.

We are now due to start house hunting and I have finally been brave enough to do my tests (awaiting results) and he has freaked out. Said he is not sure again, the kids he has been around recently have totally overwhelmed him and he is scared of dying young and leaving a child/young adult with so much trauma (really sadly this is what happened to him and I can see the pain it causes him).

I am totally gutted about this U-turn and have left our home so that he can have some space to think about it. I am hoping that time apart makes him change his mind but everything I’ve read says that it is a bad idea to hope that. I am so heartbroken and can’t imagine life without him but also can’t imagine not even trying for a child. What if I can’t even have kids? We haven’t spoken for 2 days now and I’m really struggling.

Hi OP,

He's never going to commit to kids. He's strung you along for 5 years knowing you wanted them. Very hard but I think he's made it very clear you need to decide him or a baby but please don't waste anymore time thinking he will change his mind. Hope it works out for you!

I think you have to assume that he is not likely to change his mind and make your decisions based on that. How likely is he to have a sudden change of heart? And even if he did, think long and hard about having a child with a man who is very ambivalent about being a father. This could backfire spectacularly.

What if I can’t even have kids?

Certainly something to consider. Would you pursue fertility treatments? Consider adoption? You could do these things alone or hope that you meet someone else who does want a family.

Tough call, OP. You could leave a man that you love in the hopes that you meet someone else who shares your desire for children or you could pursue single motherhood (no guarantees that either of those work out). Or you could stay knowing that it's unlikely that he'll change his mind.

Hi OP, I honestly would walk away from this relationship. If he at 40 years old is still trotting out that he “isn’t sure” then he is sure- he doesn’t want kids. I can’t stress enough that kids are hard work, they totally take over your life, your money, all of your time, and that can be incredibly difficult to deal with & put a huge strain on a relationship even when both parents were absolutely on board with having those children, nevermind when one of you didn’t actually want children to start with.

Kids are too big a thing to compromise on, if you want them and he doesn’t then it’s simply the case that you are incompatible. You have to ask yourself what is most important to you, being with him, or having children. X

The ship has sailed you’ve never had a yes

likes the idea but doesn’t proactively want one

He doesn't want to have children. And there's a risk if you end up having a child he won't be able to take the pressure/work that comes with kids.

Just wanted to say thank you to the people in here who replied, I was at such a low ebb. Nearly 3 months on and we've definitely split, I'm so sad but I know it's for the best.

Thank you all again xx

I think that's super strong of you and the right decision x

Thank you. I don't feel very strong, feeling pretty scared and lonely and like I'm never going to meet anyone but hopefully this is temporary, whereas sticking with him may have led to unhappiness later on

It's the right decision OP, he was stringing you along which is selfish and unfair of him. Better to not waste any more of your time with him.

I know this will be hard, but honestly just call it a day. He'll mess you around and life's too short. If you do have kids he'll hood it over you. No one can win in this situation.