Should this be a head or heart decision?

Jadeywithababy · 2024-03-18T21:33:51+00:00

My husband and I decided pretty soon after having our little boy that one was the perfect number of children for us. We had so many reasons, including finances, space, my age, wanting to give our baby as much time and energy as we had to spare, feeling like it would be too much to ask family to take care of two babies regularly etc etc. We’ve both been firm in our decision, and even discussed my husband having a vasectomy just to be safe but decided that was maybe a bit previous. In the last few weeks, we’ve started casually discussing what it would be like to have another little one, and although most of our reasons for just wanting one are still the same, we both seem to be warming to the idea of another one. This feels very much like a head vs heart decision, so for all the mums out there with two or more, or indeed the mums who stuck at one, would you advise following your head or your heart on this one?

MillieFTM · 19/03/2024 10:06

No advice as I'm very much here with you, currently having this discussion with my husband. I want to follow my heart but he's definitely more of a 'planner' and is constantly thinking through finances/splitting time between two etc.
Hoping someone can come up with an answer that helps both of us!

Original poster

Jadeywithababy · 21/03/2024 18:58

One of my questions is how parents feel that having another child impacted the first child. Currently my little boy gets all my spare energy and attention, which would obviously have to be shared with a new baby and by the nature of being a newborn that baby would probably need proportionally more attention, for a while at least. But then when they’re older, they have each other to play with while we’re busy, so does it all even out in the end or do you just make peace with the fact that each child gets a bit less of everything because they’ve got to share?

OP posts:

Cbljgdpk · 21/03/2024 19:02

Until my DD was 18 months I was pretty set that I only wanted one while my DH was happy either way then suddenly i just really wanted another and 6 months later we went for it. We’re 5 years on and No regrets at all; yes my DD was impacted but the positives outweigh the negatives and their sibling relationship (despite the bickering) is one of the great joys of my life

Overthebow · 21/03/2024 19:07

Jadeywithababy · 21/03/2024 18:58

One of my questions is how parents feel that having another child impacted the first child. Currently my little boy gets all my spare energy and attention, which would obviously have to be shared with a new baby and by the nature of being a newborn that baby would probably need proportionally more attention, for a while at least. But then when they’re older, they have each other to play with while we’re busy, so does it all even out in the end or do you just make peace with the fact that each child gets a bit less of everything because they’ve got to share?

We’ve got a 3 year old and a 4 month old. For us it was both a head and heart decision. We didn’t want our dd to be an only child. We can easily afford 2 though. It’s impacted her that she now has to share her time with us with her brother, but actually that’s been a good thing. She also absolutely loves him and loves talking to him, playing and making him laugh, its been so good for her and we don’t regret our decision.

Larabelle6 · 21/03/2024 19:14

I was adamant I was only having one until my eldest was about 3; I had the worst pregnancy and a “baby” that still didn’t sleep through but everyone I know has at least two and I did a 180 and desperately wanted a sibling for him. She is the most perfect little human and their bond makes my heart melt every single day. Absolutely no regrets. First few months were tough - we think it’s hard when we just have 1!! But it doesn’t last forever and I’m so glad we decided to have a second.

spriots · 21/03/2024 19:26

I have two but strongly considered sticking at one. What I would say is:

Yes you have to get used to compromising with your children - sometimes one will have to do something they don't want to because their sibling does or not get your full attention or won't get an opportunity they otherwise could

Yes it's less time to yourselves - with just one, when they get to drop off activities, playdates, parties, that's automatically child free time for you, not so much with two

Yes it is hard work when they are both small - when mine were 3 and 1, it was frankly miserable at times, and I see a lot of posters finding that stage hard

However - I love seeing their bond, they are such partners in crime, they love each other very very much.

My second has been much easier to parent, partly as I know what I am doing

I am an only child - sort of, I do have half siblings but they are both a lot older than me and we didn't grow up together - and I really wish I had not been.

Original poster

Jadeywithababy · 21/03/2024 21:31

These are all really helpful responses, thank you! @spriots the lack of child free time is one of my concerns, at the moment my mum has our son every Sunday night because Monday is her day to look after him and she prefers him to start the day with her (I know, epic grandma!) so we have date night every week, and I sometimes wonder if we would be as strong in our relationship now if we didn’t have those evenings together. And with the added pressure of an extra baby on top 🙈 our routine is finely honed now and has started to feel almost easy, whereas I can’t even picture how we’d manage bedtime for our toddler alongside a newborn.

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Original poster

Jadeywithababy · 21/03/2024 21:35

spriots · 21/03/2024 19:26

I have two but strongly considered sticking at one. What I would say is:

Yes you have to get used to compromising with your children - sometimes one will have to do something they don't want to because their sibling does or not get your full attention or won't get an opportunity they otherwise could

Yes it's less time to yourselves - with just one, when they get to drop off activities, playdates, parties, that's automatically child free time for you, not so much with two

Yes it is hard work when they are both small - when mine were 3 and 1, it was frankly miserable at times, and I see a lot of posters finding that stage hard

However - I love seeing their bond, they are such partners in crime, they love each other very very much.

My second has been much easier to parent, partly as I know what I am doing

I am an only child - sort of, I do have half siblings but they are both a lot older than me and we didn't grow up together - and I really wish I had not been.

You mentioned the toughest time being 1 and 3 - can I ask what sort of proportion of the time felt miserable and how long that lasted? Was it mostly miserable for you guys as parents or for the whole family? Don’t feel like you have to answer if that’s too personal!

OP posts:

spriots · 21/03/2024 22:06

Jadeywithababy · 21/03/2024 21:35

You mentioned the toughest time being 1 and 3 - can I ask what sort of proportion of the time felt miserable and how long that lasted? Was it mostly miserable for you guys as parents or for the whole family? Don’t feel like you have to answer if that’s too personal!

Show quote history

For us - and others probably have different experiences:

Our younger one was on the move very early - first steps around 7 months old - so by the time he was 1 and the older one was 3, basically they both were at a stage where they didn't really have any sense of danger but were both very mobile

So really the issue was that looking after both of them on our own was totally relentless. Absolutely not a single moment of peace except when they were in bed

So we really didn't like to leave the other person solo parenting much - for a long time, we avoided one of us having to do bedtime without the other because it was so difficult.

The lack of alone time and social time kind of took its toll

But I would say it was maybe a 6 months or so that was really tough and then it started to ease. And now they are 4 and 7, it's a lot easier. They play on their own together, their own weird made up games and it's actually much harder when we have only one of them and they don't have each other to entertain them.

I expected to find newborn and toddler the hardest though and it was actually 1 and 3 that was the worst! Newborn because he was breastfed and very content in a sling, was kind of a doddle.

Original poster

Jadeywithababy · 22/03/2024 03:30

spriots · 21/03/2024 22:06

For us - and others probably have different experiences:

Our younger one was on the move very early - first steps around 7 months old - so by the time he was 1 and the older one was 3, basically they both were at a stage where they didn't really have any sense of danger but were both very mobile

So really the issue was that looking after both of them on our own was totally relentless. Absolutely not a single moment of peace except when they were in bed

So we really didn't like to leave the other person solo parenting much - for a long time, we avoided one of us having to do bedtime without the other because it was so difficult.

The lack of alone time and social time kind of took its toll

But I would say it was maybe a 6 months or so that was really tough and then it started to ease. And now they are 4 and 7, it's a lot easier. They play on their own together, their own weird made up games and it's actually much harder when we have only one of them and they don't have each other to entertain them.

I expected to find newborn and toddler the hardest though and it was actually 1 and 3 that was the worst! Newborn because he was breastfed and very content in a sling, was kind of a doddle.

Show quote history

That’s so helpful, thank you, and definitely makes sense, you must have needed eyes in the back of your head! It’s so lovely that they play together now, it sounds like they have a really special bond 💛

OP posts:

Oversharingsonewusernamehaha · 22/03/2024 03:58

spriots · 21/03/2024 22:06

For us - and others probably have different experiences:

Our younger one was on the move very early - first steps around 7 months old - so by the time he was 1 and the older one was 3, basically they both were at a stage where they didn't really have any sense of danger but were both very mobile

So really the issue was that looking after both of them on our own was totally relentless. Absolutely not a single moment of peace except when they were in bed

So we really didn't like to leave the other person solo parenting much - for a long time, we avoided one of us having to do bedtime without the other because it was so difficult.

The lack of alone time and social time kind of took its toll

But I would say it was maybe a 6 months or so that was really tough and then it started to ease. And now they are 4 and 7, it's a lot easier. They play on their own together, their own weird made up games and it's actually much harder when we have only one of them and they don't have each other to entertain them.

I expected to find newborn and toddler the hardest though and it was actually 1 and 3 that was the worst! Newborn because he was breastfed and very content in a sling, was kind of a doddle.

Show quote history

My experience was similar with 3 and 1 too. Now 7 and 5, like this poster, they're easier to parent together, than alone. You mention age, but another thing to consider is age gap. I've had a 3rd too, I'm over 40 but we decided to go for it. With 2 older siblings, parenting #3 is a doddle. A bigger age gap between 1 & 2 would have made life so much easier (age gap 22 months).

Ds1 basically spends his life entertaining and helping with dd3. But it is harder for grandparents helping with 2 grandchildren. Your date nights might go. We still get 1 sleepover a month.

Ponderingwindow · 22/03/2024 03:59

I vote head

i am happy every day I stuck with head over heart when faced with this dilemma. My first and only ended up with a late ASD diagnosis. As an only child, I am able to devote all my resources to giving her everything she needs to thrive.

those compromises that have to be made to parent multiple children are much harder when one or both of them have particular needs. You don’t get to know if you will find yourself in that position, but it should be a consideration. It might not be two healthy, NT children that you end up parenting. you need to be prepared for that scenario.

Oversharingsonewusernamehaha · 22/03/2024 04:02

Ponderingwindow · 22/03/2024 03:59

I vote head

i am happy every day I stuck with head over heart when faced with this dilemma. My first and only ended up with a late ASD diagnosis. As an only child, I am able to devote all my resources to giving her everything she needs to thrive.

those compromises that have to be made to parent multiple children are much harder when one or both of them have particular needs. You don’t get to know if you will find yourself in that position, but it should be a consideration. It might not be two healthy, NT children that you end up parenting. you need to be prepared for that scenario.

Ahhh that's interesting. My ds1 has asd and I really think his siblings help him so much. The three kids are a tribe and it's been the best way for him to understand that we unconditionally live him, because of the love he has for his siblings. I have thought so many times, how difficult it would be if he was an only child.