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Original poster

Baby's dad trying to fight for joint custody of newborn baby

12 replies

Squirrel2703 · 28/12/2023 04:23

Not sure if right place to post this, first time posting on here. I am almost 7 months pregnant with my first baby and me and my daughters dad have split. He is threatening to contact a solicitor with his family and take me to court for 50/50 from the second she is born and because i have refused this and tried to come to an agreement until she's older, he's saying that I'm using our daughter as a weapon. I have expressed that for the first few months of her life she will need to be with me as she's all I've known for the last 9 months and that I am going to be breastfeeding he's saying I'm just using that as an excuse and babies get taken off their mothers all the time and they turn out fine, aswell as saying to just pump or use formula so its no "excuse" at all to keep her away from him.

I have already said he can have visits twice a week for a few hours a day as well as his family and as time goes on and she gets older he can have more days and start taking her out in her pram to visit other family members at theirs instead of visiting at my home. I'm not comfortable letting him take her and have overnights until we have established a bond and have her in a routine, as well as him stopping smoking weed in his flat but he starts getting mad saying I'm keeping her away and excluding one side of her family. I've already said they can come visit they just have to arrange it with me as I'm in a separate town to him and I don't want them to have a wasted journey if I was out. For the entirety of my pregnancy he has been smoking indoors and refused to go outside to smoke, the most he will do is sit at the back door (in a downstairs flat) in the same room as me and told me if it bothers me so much to go into a separate room. His mum has made a joke about it and said she can't believe I'm making him do that and she smoked throughout all her pregnancies and her kids turned out fine. My ex and his mum have also gone on Facebook and started slating me calling me a narcissist and a bitch as well.

Im sick of being threatened and I just don't know where I stand at the minute, if he takes me to court will he get granted 50/50 joint custody from birth? I'm not saying I wouldn't grant it in the future, but until I've stopped breastfeeding then I wouldn't want that for her, it's not in her best interests to be passing her from house to house every week. I also would not be able to afford a solicitor or to go to court for that matter if he does go that route. He has said he will do everything in his power to get her taken off me if I don't agree to his "demands" and that she will realise when she's older the "truth" and that she will end up hating me. I'm terrified of having her taken off of me so I don't know if I should let him have what he wants, even though I know this isn't what's best for our daughter, but I can't keep taking all the threats and the nastiness from him saying I'm using her as a weapon and that I'm going to be a shit mum. I'm just stuck and hurting at the minute, I don't want to lose my daughter, I just want her to have both parents in her life and not for her to hate me because of what hes made me out to be to her aswell as his family, just because I didn't let him have her from birth.

OP posts:
PaperwhiteTheGhost · 28/12/2023 04:40

Ok. Firstly, if you're not married, give baby your surname and don't put him on the birth certificate. You don't have to.

Secondly, call his bluff. Let him take you to court. You will be appointed a barrister if you can't afford one and no judge is going to insist that a breastfeeding newborn be taken away from her mum 50% of the time. I bet you he won't follow through on his threats though!

Incongruance · 28/12/2023 04:45

Tell your midwife what you have said in your post.
Don't tell anyone when you go into labour.
Go and register the baby on your own. As pp said, give the baby your name and don't put him on the birth certificate.
Regular, short visits, in your presence are all he is entitled to in the early weeks and months.
Make sure you have evidence of all communication, either email or text. Save everything. Only communicate in writing.

Guavafish1 · 28/12/2023 04:50

my friends went to family court.

Family Court and cafecas recommended short and frequent visit whilst she was a newborn. The ex lived 5 mins away, so it was 5 times a week for 2 hours. This was review every 3-4 month in court. As child got older, frequent reduced and hours increased.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 28/12/2023 04:51

Register baby yourself, your surname, he is not on birth certificate. This is important. As soon as he is on certificate he has equal rights and could keep baby, police won't do anything. You'd have to go to court to get baby back. Don't tell him when you're in labour. Register baby asap before they meet. Breastfeed as intended, its your right and 'best for baby' (fed is best but all the formula sites have disclaimers saying breastfeeding is 'better'). Judge wouldn't order baby to be away from you for more than a couple hours while feeding in early months. He also can't take you to court until baby is born and there is a huge back log. Wouldn't get an order for months anyway.

Fififafa · 28/12/2023 05:02

He’s bluffing. No court in the land will remove a breastfed child from its mother and grant 50/50 access. Keep all communication with him as evidence and only communicate in writing.
He’s probably only going for 50/50 to reduce the amount of child maintenance he owes you. When the baby is born apply for child maintenance immediately, don’t rely on any informal arrangement with him.
As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them!

Newchapterbeckons · 28/12/2023 05:21

As above. I would carefully consider your location. How much support do you have there from your family? Close friends? Can you live further away?

Have the baby without his presence and register the baby without him. Do not add him to the birth certificate whatever you do.

I would inform my midwife about his drug use and ask for advice and support keeping your baby safe.

Mintygoodness · 28/12/2023 05:35

Make sure all staff know not to allow anyone in the birthing suite without your express permission.

WhamBamThankU · 27/04/2024 12:30

Old thread 🙄

How did things go op?

cansu · 27/04/2024 12:32

I would consider moving a further away while pregnant. He sounds very unhinged and unpleasant. Move to another hospital for the birth. Dont tell him when you are having the baby. Dont nane him on the birth cert. Stop seeing him and his family now. Stop communicating with him. You are under no obligation to speak to him at the moment. Go silent or if this is too difficult set up an email address just for him. Tell him this is the only way he can contact you. Respond minimally and only when you absolutely think it is necessary. Don't discuss contact. If you do put it in writing and imagine it will be read out in court so keep it polite, neutral and based on best interests of your child.

By engaging you are making it easier for him to bully you. Start protecting yourself. Tell your midwife you are no contact with him.

ThankGodForDancingFruit · 27/04/2024 12:32

Squirrel2703 · 28/12/2023 04:23

Not sure if right place to post this, first time posting on here. I am almost 7 months pregnant with my first baby and me and my daughters dad have split. He is threatening to contact a solicitor with his family and take me to court for 50/50 from the second she is born and because i have refused this and tried to come to an agreement until she's older, he's saying that I'm using our daughter as a weapon. I have expressed that for the first few months of her life she will need to be with me as she's all I've known for the last 9 months and that I am going to be breastfeeding he's saying I'm just using that as an excuse and babies get taken off their mothers all the time and they turn out fine, aswell as saying to just pump or use formula so its no "excuse" at all to keep her away from him.

I have already said he can have visits twice a week for a few hours a day as well as his family and as time goes on and she gets older he can have more days and start taking her out in her pram to visit other family members at theirs instead of visiting at my home. I'm not comfortable letting him take her and have overnights until we have established a bond and have her in a routine, as well as him stopping smoking weed in his flat but he starts getting mad saying I'm keeping her away and excluding one side of her family. I've already said they can come visit they just have to arrange it with me as I'm in a separate town to him and I don't want them to have a wasted journey if I was out. For the entirety of my pregnancy he has been smoking indoors and refused to go outside to smoke, the most he will do is sit at the back door (in a downstairs flat) in the same room as me and told me if it bothers me so much to go into a separate room. His mum has made a joke about it and said she can't believe I'm making him do that and she smoked throughout all her pregnancies and her kids turned out fine. My ex and his mum have also gone on Facebook and started slating me calling me a narcissist and a bitch as well.

Im sick of being threatened and I just don't know where I stand at the minute, if he takes me to court will he get granted 50/50 joint custody from birth? I'm not saying I wouldn't grant it in the future, but until I've stopped breastfeeding then I wouldn't want that for her, it's not in her best interests to be passing her from house to house every week. I also would not be able to afford a solicitor or to go to court for that matter if he does go that route. He has said he will do everything in his power to get her taken off me if I don't agree to his "demands" and that she will realise when she's older the "truth" and that she will end up hating me. I'm terrified of having her taken off of me so I don't know if I should let him have what he wants, even though I know this isn't what's best for our daughter, but I can't keep taking all the threats and the nastiness from him saying I'm using her as a weapon and that I'm going to be a shit mum. I'm just stuck and hurting at the minute, I don't want to lose my daughter, I just want her to have both parents in her life and not for her to hate me because of what hes made me out to be to her aswell as his family, just because I didn't let him have her from birth.

So sorry to hear you are going through all of this stress, on top of pregnancy.

How was the relationship before it ended? His behaviour now seems very controlling, lots of red flags in your post. Have you spoken to your midwife about this? Consider contacting your local domestic abuse organisation?

While you can register baby’s birth without him and without him named as the father, and this does mean legally at that point he does not have Parental Responsibility, he can contest this and request a DNA test. He can then be added at a later date. The Court can also ask you whether he is the father, and assumed parental responsibility can lead to contact.

I am not a legal professional, and I do think you should speak to your midwife and local domestic abuse support agency for advice and signposting around the whole situation - emotional, practical, safety, and legal.

Baby’s health and wellbeing is totally dependent on yours - before and after birth. I do feel that you would benefit from specialist support.

Take care of yourself

Codlingmoths · 27/04/2024 12:40

ThankGodForDancingFruit · 27/04/2024 12:32

So sorry to hear you are going through all of this stress, on top of pregnancy.

How was the relationship before it ended? His behaviour now seems very controlling, lots of red flags in your post. Have you spoken to your midwife about this? Consider contacting your local domestic abuse organisation?

While you can register baby’s birth without him and without him named as the father, and this does mean legally at that point he does not have Parental Responsibility, he can contest this and request a DNA test. He can then be added at a later date. The Court can also ask you whether he is the father, and assumed parental responsibility can lead to contact.

I am not a legal professional, and I do think you should speak to your midwife and local domestic abuse support agency for advice and signposting around the whole situation - emotional, practical, safety, and legal.

Baby’s health and wellbeing is totally dependent on yours - before and after birth. I do feel that you would benefit from specialist support.

Take care of yourself

Show quote history

Ofcourse he can ask via court to be added to the birth certificate, but he will have to do this, and get it through court, and while this happens the op is the only responsible parent and he can’t keep the baby. So I would follow the other advice here. Make sure I’m living close to supportive family, move hospitals unless that’s a terrible idea, and not tell him anything more, not tell him you’re going into labour, not tell him baby is born until you’ve registered baby. His sole contribution to being a parent is trying to harm baby via smoking in the house, trying to get his family to pressure you to harm baby by staying in rooms with smoking people, and causing harm to the baby via threatening you, babys mum and source of all safety. Hopefully he’s all hot air and takes a long time to apply to court to add himself as baby’s father.

ThankGodForDancingFruit · 27/04/2024 12:47

Codlingmoths · 27/04/2024 12:40

Ofcourse he can ask via court to be added to the birth certificate, but he will have to do this, and get it through court, and while this happens the op is the only responsible parent and he can’t keep the baby. So I would follow the other advice here. Make sure I’m living close to supportive family, move hospitals unless that’s a terrible idea, and not tell him anything more, not tell him you’re going into labour, not tell him baby is born until you’ve registered baby. His sole contribution to being a parent is trying to harm baby via smoking in the house, trying to get his family to pressure you to harm baby by staying in rooms with smoking people, and causing harm to the baby via threatening you, babys mum and source of all safety. Hopefully he’s all hot air and takes a long time to apply to court to add himself as baby’s father.

Show quote history

Absolutely, all of this is brilliant advice. But getting support from professionals - including getting medical records flagged so he can’t find out appointment dates etc - would be beneficial.

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