Do I want a “Late baby”?

[Hayl777]

Im 37(f) and my husband 42(M).
We have two children 17(f) and 15(M) and
we have VERY recently had an unexpected pregnancy that resulted in an early miscarriage.
We had toyed with the idea of having more children over the years but it was never the right time , I didn’t keep well during my previous pregnancies and the time just went by then I expelled my coil and…surprise!
Once we got our heads round it we were excited about this surprise and had started prematurely planning for the arrival.
It’s been almost all consuming these past few weeks since we found out.
Then we miscarried.
My Husband says he’s devastated and it’s compounded his feelings for wanting more children. He came at me tonight with statistics about how fertile a woman is post miscarriage and feels we should now actively try for baby 3.

My mind and body has been on a rollercoaster these past few weeks and I just don’t know how i really feel about a late baby and being an “old mum” and the risks that come with that.
We have a good life and whilst I know any child would be loved and cherished, I can’t help feeling it would have a completely different upbringing than our older two had.
How do you decide when time isn’t necessarily on your side?

You’re not old!

I totally understand why you feel the way you do. Especially the emotional toll of planning it in your head and then the disappointment. What a blow.

But personally at your age and given your kids ages, I'd make the most of living a little for yourselves soon before you get a chance to become really involved hands-on grandparents one day!

Let me start by saying I understand that your DH is reacting emotionally to a shared sad experience and loss, but I think your DH needs to slow down and remember that you’re not a conveyor belt. You’re a woman whose body, mind, and soul have taken a collective beating- one he can’t truly, deeply, physically and emotionally understand.

Recover. Take your time. And you’ll be happy whether you have number 3 or not. You both just need time.

My main consideration would be the impact on the older kids, which I think would be quite considerable and not in their benefit.

Being an ‘old mum’ could be a positive thing. My DM remarried and my siblings are 10+ years younger than me. They had a different upbringing to me, they had parents who were more mature and financially stable which allowed them to do extra curricular activities, foreign holidays etc. Not to say my upbringing was bad in anyway, but definitely different.

It’s a very personal decision and I think you probably just need time to process what you have been through. You’ll likely end up with a gut feeling on the ‘right’ thing to do.

@klajs Not in their benefit in what way? I’ve been the older sibling and whilst I do agree it’s a considerable impact in your teen years, we’re all grown now and get on famously. I couldn’t imagine it being any other way!

37 isn't old! Becoming parents again could be a great experience. You are more mature and experienced parents, you also have life experience which presumably you didn't have in your very early 20s.
Your first two may hate another sibling. They may adore it. Personally, I don't think their preference should be a factor in your decision. This is your life, your choice.
Are you financially secure? Do you have the space at home - extra bedroom?
There are all sorts of factors to consider for a pros and cons list but ultimately, make your decision on your gut instinct. Do you want a third?

I wouldn’t worry about your age. At least half the mums I know had their babies at your age.

The question is do you WANT a baby/another child? If your accidental pg had never happened would it have crossed your mind?

If you don’t have a strong feeling that you want another baby then (IMO) don’t.

@Angeldelight50 division of parents' resources (time and money in particular), I think a parent's time is more valuable than an additional sibling, especially in the teen years. Having a child with that much of a gap completely reshapes and refocuses the family, that might be positive for some...but in my experience it rarely is.

Me too!

This

Do you want a baby any baby ? Regardless of any health needs?

WTF, 37 isn't old or late to get pregnant! I'm not planning on trying for a DC3 until I'm 40!
If your oldest kids are mostly self-sufficient and you have the money and space for all of them, I don't see the issue at all.

This.

Is your retirement sorted? Their uni?
Have you considered climate change and environmental concerns?
What if the child has disabilities or SEN; could you afford the necessary care and time off work?

before you get a chance to become really involved hands-on grandparents one day!

I don't think this is a wise thing to introduce into the decision making process, because the children may not have children at all or may not have them in their 40s, or unfortunately the OP could die young or become ill at a relatively young age. This is purely about what they as a couple want to be doing over the next 20-odd years, and considering the impact upon the teenagers and the family life.

You're not very old!

It sounds like you have reservations. Maybe focus on healing together and understanding your thoughts.

I don’t think you are too old, but I had my child young and told myself I don’t want children in my late 30s - this is a personal choice that probably comes from wanting to enjoy ‘me time’ but if I did fall pregnant I would accept it.

Im sharing as I can resonate but I do think you should give yourself time to heal if you are having second thoughts about a 3rd. Only you know what’s best for you. Maybe have a conversation with your partner about it all and explain how you feel.

But in general, you know what it's like to raise children, you know what you enjoy and what your dreams are. Either option sounds sensible. If I were you I'd wait a few months to decide, as you are in the first throws of grief right now.

Thank you all for your replies.
I meant no offence with “old mum”, I was 19yo when we had our 1st child, so very much a young mum then.
It was a struggle but we managed and we made it through together.
My Husband worked long hours, because our finances needed him too and he sacrificed a lot then, I think he feels he missed out and wants another chance to be a dad.
Now, we both have good careers, I would have a good maternity pay.
We have a big enough house, the kids university (if that what they chose) and weddings are saved for. They are good, confident teens and I think would be OK.
There are few barriers… but me…
I don’t know anyone who has gone on to have a later baby and regretted it but I feel if we don’t then we might?
We will of course take the time to grieve, it wasn’t really a decision before and we embraced it and found the joy.
Now actually having a choice is overwhelming.

As someone with one sibling close in age and one much younger, I entirely disagree with this!