Am I selfish.

[MBETHANYH]

Hi, I need opinions and/or advise.
I'm 24 ( 25 this year)

I REALLY want a child. It actually aches when I see, hear or hold a child. I have always wanted to be a mum. I'm at the stage in life where I'm worrying and stressing about never being able to become a mum.

Here's my situation...
I'm a single woman, I'm not looking for a relationship nor am I interested in falling in love or having a " life partner". ( I'm sure these days there is a name for how I feel about being in a relationship). Anyway...

I have depression and anxiety which I have suffered with since I was like 16 years old. My anxiety got so bad at one point that I couldn't leave the house alone. I am better than that now but I'm still unable to work and socialise in big crowds without someone with me. Obviously because of this I am currently jobless. I'm also currently still living at home with my dad.

I have been thinking about my situation for a good year and a half every day and every night. I was thinking about getting a donor and doing at home insemination. This of course would mean I would be a single mum.

I just want people to give me some of their opinions and/or advice. I feel so selfish for wanting to bring a child into the world knowing they would only ever have 1 parent. I know I can give the child everything they would ever need but I'm just not sure what to do.

Thank you for any opinions and advice given.

I think you need to concentrate on getting yourself to a healthy and happy place. Able to work and on top of things before you consider bringing another life into the world.

Thank you for your reply 🙂

I think many women get pregnant for all kinds of questionable reasons and I wouldn't want to criticise whatever your motivations were so long as you could love the child. That's the main thing you need to be able to give a child. Having said all this, if you are struggling with your depression then I think having a child might be the thing that pushes you over the edge. It won't be easy on your own, bringing up a kid with little help. Even with a partner it's tough. I really think you need to sort out your mental health first. You have your life ahead of you. Don't rush into this. Look after yourself. Best wishes :)

Honestly OP, I'm not trying to be unnecessarily harsh but your specific situation doesn't sound the best one to purposefully go out and bring a baby into via home insemination.

With depression and anxiety (to the point you couldn't leave the house) it would be hard with the pressures of a baby, especially without a partner to share this with (unless your Dad is planning on stepping up to help?). I also think that if you are unable to hold down a job due to your mental health, that the strain of a baby when living in someone else's house (I'm not sure how much space you've got!) could be quite a lot of extra stress. Would your dad be happy to have you and a baby in the house? Where would you get the money for the baby from? Would you have a proper support network?

I'd suggest that maybe working on you and yourself for a while would be best, maybe getting yourself to a stage where you've got a job and a place of your own before considering a baby?

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate the advice

Having a child is always selfish.
Nobody has a child for someone else's benefit.

However, you do need to think about the child as well.
You say you can give the child everything they would ever need. However you don't have a job and you live with your father (who may or may not be happy to find out he has to share his house with a baby).

You admit to having mental health issues - if you are very ill again, how will you give the child everything they need? Would you be able to support the child if they had additional needs, or even if, say, they just cried a lot and didn't sleep much?

I'm afraid that it doesn't sound like you are at a good time in your life to have a child.

Thank you for your reply.

My dad would always help out as he did with my sister when she had her first and between him, my sister and my bestfriend I feel the support network I will have would be enough. I'm currently trying to plan and start a small at home business to earn money. As for my mental health... I'm really trying to better myself and get myself back to 100% but I'm beginning to realise that maybe I'll never get back to 100%.

I do really appreciate your advice and opinion so thank you.

Concentrate on you, you are still really young and there is no hurry. Like others have said try and concentrate on you and bettering yourself before adding anything else into the equation.
Have you considered looking into volunteering at a small playgroup/mother and baby group/library story time or similar? Nothing formal or pressured like daycare/nursery but allows you to interact? Or even if you think that is too much looking and see if there are any online childcare courses or similar that you can maybe access? Something that will give you an outlet as well as skills you will need?

I am already qualified in childcare and previously worked in a day nursery. I hadn't thought of volunteering at any places like that. I will definitely look into that.

Thank you for your reply I really do appreciate it

I’m going to be really honest and say that I think trying to conceive in your current situation would be, if not selfish, at least unwise.

I have long term anxiety and a very supportive husband. I still wouldn’t have ttc before getting to a point where my mental health had been well managed for a number of years.

When you have a baby you are responsible for them and that can be really challenging even with a partner. And you need to be able to meet their needs, regardless of how anxiety inducing you find it.

If your mental health prevents you from working and socialising, how would you cope with advocating for them in a busy A&E department? Taking them to clubs, play dates and parties? Managing a tantrum in public?

Me and DH also had a well thought out plan of action for if my mental health dipped during or after pregnancy. Would your dad step in to provide care for both of you if you became too unwell to manage? If not, who would look after your baby?

Honestly OP, you have so much time to think about babies. Concentrate on you and your mental health for now

Doing home insemination in general is pretty selfish IMO and I’m speaking as someone who very very nearly did it.

No proper records are kept and no health testing is done. So you’re risking your child’s (and potentially your own) health and you’re facing the potential future that your child turns 18, wants to know more about their donor/genetics and is unable to find out.

Use a clinic if you want to go down the donor route with either a known donor or someone from a sperm bank. They’ll keep records and do necessary health checks.