I want a baby but I’m petrified I will traumatise them

[Haribo12345678910]

Hi,

My partner (31M) and I (24F) would like to start trying for a baby. We have been together for 4 years and have bought a house together. We have both dreamed of becoming parents and would like to start trying in the next year or so. I am currently on the coil but having it taken out next week.

However as much I really want to experience motherhood, I’m petrified.

A bit of background/context: My mum and Dad had me and my Brother (we are twins). My dad left when I was 1 and then my mum met my stepdad when I was 2 and then got married when I was 3. I still used to see my dad but he was more unstressed in his girlfriends at the time. I considered my stepdad to be my dad. My mum and stepdad then had my half sister when I was 4.

Anyway, my stepdad was an emotionally abusive alcoholic (he has now stopped drinking at the beginning of this year as hasn’t drunk since. He now is a somewhat different person) who favoured my sister. I distinctly remember my stepdad shouting at me and you are not my daughter and that has stuck with me ever since. I remember crying so hard, marks being left on my bumcheek as I got Spanked so hard, lots of screaming matches with my stepdad etc. My mum was so scared and I didn’t have anyone to stand up to him. It has gotten to the point where I have severe C-PTSD from childhood trauma and I can’t have a slightly negative conversation with my partner without crying. This is also combined with sexual abuse when I was 11 (from a neighbour), is just one massive trauma concoction!

Anyway, I have been to therapy for 4 years on and off and have found it really helpful. I haven’t been for the last year due to it being so expensive and covid. I am hoping to start again soon as I have have a better job with more money.

Anyway, now I am petrified about becoming a parent because I do not want my child to feel how I felt but I am also scared that I will act like my parents.

You may think think this isn’t the right time for me to be wanting to conceive but when is the right time?

Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

You're still young. Your partner not so much but maybe have some more therapy and revisit the conversation in a year? Are you planning on getting married/civil partnership? Can be useful before having children if you plan on taking any time out of working etc

I have a lot of trauma, bad childhood etc and have two children.

I completely understand where you're coming from and my aim is to break generational trauma and continue working on myself to be the best mum I can be despite my mental health issues.

Sometimes I look at my little girl especially and wonder how people could hurt me which is good in a way because I know I could never hurt my children.

You're very self aware which helps massively.

I hope it all works out for you

I’m the same, I worry about having two kids because my mum was abusive and favoured my sister and I’d worry having two would be triggering as I’d always be conscious of favouring one, so that makes me want an only child, but then I feel mean not having two as I feel lucky to of had a sister. I’m 32 though so don’t have as much time as you! You’re still so young so I’d definitely try and work on yourself with therapy for longer and try in a couple of years.

Try reading some books on therapeutic parenting- A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting. Anything by Sarah Naish. Also, podcasts from the National Association of Therapeutic Parents. This will not only help prepare yourself for a calmer and more proactive form of parenting but will also give you an awareness of what your children need from you and why.
Also, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read is good for helping you understand your parents parenting choices... it doesn't excuse anything but helps you to understand why patterns repeat themselves and how to avoid it.

It sounds like you're very self aware and therapy is a great start. Make sure your therapist is familiar with Adverse Childhood Experiences and is trauma informed.

@Houseplantophile Agreed, the fact that you’re even aware and worried is such a good sign💕 You’ll do amazing xxx

Thank you everyone. I have spoken to my partner and I am going to get some more therapy and we will review it when I have more tools to help me as a person and as a to be parent