Decision to have children with no support network

[D9191]

Myself and my partner have always wanted children. Unfortunately, due to death or other reasons neither of us have any family so we would have no support in that sense if we chose to have children. We have friends but they have their own children and other commitments, we would not have anyone who could help us regularly. I see how difficult parenting is and my friends all have such great support from their families and still find it so difficult so I'm worried how hard it will be for us. What's your thoughts? If you do have no support how are you managing?

Hi OP, honestly even if you have family it doesn’t mean you have support. I have a large family and DH a small one and we get zero help from either side due to distance or just not interested. I won’t lie, it is really hard but I wouldn’t let it stop you having children. I would say it’s more important that your relationship with your partner is strong as you will rely on each other even more. I would view your friends having children is a plus as they will get how hard it can be and will hopefully be more tolerant of you having to bring your children to things etc. I am ashamed to say I didn’t truly understand some of the issues and pressures my friends with children had until I had a child of my own. Good luck with your decision

It is very difficult without support. Neither of our families live close to us and our parents are no longer in good health to help out. We have moved to a cheaper area which means we can both work and share childcare between us. We haven't had a date for many years as we have no childcare. Any social events usually mean only one of us can go.

Maybe you have the money to buy in some support?

We had no family support (weren't interested) honestly we just got on with it and did it yourselves.

Lots of us have no family support because we live in a different country to our relatives, and only see them on holidays. It means you go out less at night but it's generally fine - you just trade childcare and support with friends.

Personally, I’ve found it takes a bigger toll on your relationship in the baby/toddler years, as one of you is always (typically) with them, even just to give the other a break. As they get older, there are different challenges e.g. we’ve found that even with both DH and I using all our annual leave to cover school holidays, we’re still 5 weeks shorts and no idea how we’ll manage it. It’s all well and good thinking you can “buy in” support, but holiday clubs etc are few and far between where we are and very competitive as a result, so despite being willing to throw money at the problem, it’s not always been straightforward.

We've never had any family support and its been fine. Yes, that meant 2 nights in 16 years away together, but that was the only restriction - we were able to go out in the evenings by paying babysitters, and childcare for work by nursery then wrap around care and holiday clubs.

We didn't have any support due to geography, and it was difficult, especially when we saw or heard about others with readily accessible support. We just got on with everything as best we could though.

We don't have any family support to speak of. It is a bit harder I think, but it isn't the end of the world. I wouldn't choose not to have dcs just because of that.

Make sure you can afford childcare costs, but that goes for all prospective parents really, as you never know if granny/grandad/auntie might decide all the childcare she promised was too much, or she may become poorly or move to Australia yada yada. It makes sense to be prepared to fork out for nursery then wraparound care and holiday clubs

We had virtually no support from family .

My mum would have loved to help but was terminally ill with cancer and lived 400 miles away. They came to stay for a few weeks a year, but she wasn't strong enough to be hands on.

DH parents loved the idea of grandchildren but despite being closer didn't help us at all. They were in their 70s but in good health. Their expectation was that we would visit and they would delight in their grandchildren for about 15 mins, then I was meant to keep them entertained/ out of their way while they doted on DH .

We were both working full time and the early days almost broke us. In the end we got an au pair (and then another one after the first moved on) and to be honest I think it was the only reason our marriage survived.

When the only way you can get a break is by your partner effectively giving you one by taking over responsibility then the potential for arguments and resentment is high.

As others have said - look at buying in support - a nanny, nursery time, and au pair etc.

I lived 5000 miles from family. You can do it! It's just different, you have to buy in whatever support you need aka sitters. I didn't work when they were small either because of the logistics of it, living on a slightly (childcare isn't cheap so swallow most of a salary) lower income made sense because I didn't have the worries 2 working parents have like childcare when they are sick. You learn not to be fussy when a sitter opportunity comes your way either (neighbours 14 year old was brilliant)

Yup, I can relate to that!

We didn't get a night alone together for about 14 years until both kids went away together for a 3-night scout camp! When we told our friends this was the case they didn't believe us.

DS's sister lived 30 mins down the road but never offered any help (despite happily living with us for 4 months when she moved jobs into the local area and was looking for accommodation)

We did it. I think it is more difficult if you expect help and it doesn't materialise. Also Dh and I were willing to tag team so that each person got a break. That meant a lie in for Dh on a Saturday and a lie in for me on a Sunday. He was a hands on Dad from the second Ds was born, never shirked responsibility, never had a hobby that took him out the house for hours on end. Happily had both children whilst I went off for a weekend same for him. I didn't need to leave him a list because he knew how to care for his children. He made a huge effort to spend time one on one with the children, taking them for a ride to the shops or even the tip just to get time in the car with one. He is an incredible husband and Father.

I was and still am a sahm and our youngest is now 16. I think going into it knowing it will be hard, accepting the mess and monotony of the day to day makes it easier. Look into childcare stuff early so you know what is out there. The hardest is the summer holidays, overlapping your and your partner's holidays so you actually spend time together as a family. Inset days are an arse as no childcare available. I happily had my friend's children on those days. Babysitters are out there, you just have to pay them.

We have no family support and two young children. We have built a small network of 3-4 other families in a similar position which helps a lot. You have to be prepared to give as much as you take though.
We also both work reduced hours and take parental leave to cover holidays.

My mum and MIL both died whilst I was pregnant and whilst we do have family remaining none of them are interested/hands on so we are pretty much without support. We have a 16mo and whilst I would say that it is incredibly difficult because there is never the opportunity for a break together, I would have my son again in a heart beat. I know that as he gets older it will get easier and whilst having a child has undoubtedly put immense pressure on our relationship, it has also brought us immense joy and brought us even further together. Don't get me wrong we probably won't have another 😂 but I'd definitely go for it if this is your only reservation x

We get very little family support due to distance. It’s been really hard, especially when the children were babies. It’s difficult to see others with so much support (and hear their complaining about it! Grass is maybe not always greener) but that’s how it is. We now have one date a month by doing a babysitting swap with a friend. It works well.

Like others have said, get dependable paid support and try to have a back up plan for sickness - there can be a lot when starting nursery/school.

We sometimes book the day off work when the kids are in nursery/school club etc. Bliss.

If you have no family support then

A) get married before you have children so you have financial security
B) don't have children unless you partner/husband is prepared to do his fair share. Before you get pregnant discuss him taking parental leave and working PT.
C) to counterbalance make sure you both accept your career is as important as his for family security and work hard at it, don't think you can have a child and expect your husband to support you

It's perfectly possible to have children without family support but you need to be a strong unit working together and it's much easier if you have money to throw at the situation.

It's definitely possible, as others have said. My children are 11 and 14 so I suppose we've come out on the other side, in a way, as they can be left alone for shortish periods. We've not had many nights away on our own either. It was tough at times when they were at the baby/ toddler phase.

If I had my time again, I'd try and find a dependable, paid babysitter- I wish we'd done this when they were younger. That would be my tip for anyone embarking on parenthood without family nearby!

We haven't had much practical family support (grandmothers dying when children v small, siblings far away or very busy with own families and work).
I have no regrets- it's a bit of a slog sometimes but absolutely worth it. We sometimes take days off together while the children are in childcare, or schedule some time together when they are at school (we have somewhat flexible working arrangements). We aren't minted but we don't have a great deal of financial pressure, we have good health and a happy, equitable relationship, the children have been healthy and developmentally fine, so we have had it very easy in most respects.