Son has no interests

[LindosDreams]

My 9 yr old son does nothing but game and watch YouTube. He has no Interest in playing sports, he quit his swimming lessons as he wasn't enjoying them anymore and it was a weekly battle to get him there. He joined Cubs about a year ago but now he wants to quit that too, says most weeks are boring. I don't want to force him to do things but everything I suggest, he says no, he just wants to be at home. He said he will go swimming with me but its kind of a break for me too when he's out of the house for an hour or so. Anyone else have the same problem? How do you go about things?

Limiting screen time would be a good place to start

At that age if mine wanted to give up am activity it was on the understanding that they were starting a new one. I would keep YouTube to 10 minutes each morning when he’s ready for school and faking only at the weekend.

I agree with limiting screen time but also see what his friends go to and see if he wants to try any of those. See what's available around you such as martial arts, boulder wall/climbing something a bit different.

What do your kids do when at home and you're busy, say finishing up work, then making dinner? We usually try and have family time after dinner, say a dog walk or a family game. My son is an only child so doesn't have siblings to play, chat or argue with. I find it hard just having the one sometimes, and it wasn't through choice x

drawing or painting. Lego. Make stop motion Lego movies on the iPad. Cooking (with me). Music practice. Keep fit video. More Lego.

would any of those appeal?

I had similar when my only child was that age. I was so desperate that when I found an activity he half liked (similar to climbing wall) I asked the other class parents if any kids would like to do it once a week and I volunteered to take them. 3 did and I took them every week. So it became like a club and we did it for years. Then he did s drama club with one of the kids. Big effort but I was desperate.

Read. Draw. Play with toys.

My 9 year old son knows that the quickest way to not be allowed a screen is to complain about being bored when he's not on one. He's actually pretty good at self-regulating now, but needs 'something' to do all the time and struggles to amuse himself unless he's playing football. But if we leave things out, like the Gravitrax or a game or a pack of playing cards he'll play around with that. He just doesn't 'think' to get them out himself. Same with his guitar - he never gets it out of the case to practice, but if I do and leave it on the sofa then he plays it all the time!

Is he a confident swimmer?
I'd rethink allowing him to quit swimming lessons too.

I'm not in favour of letting kids quit things because they are bored when the alternative is screen time.
Clubs are important for them socially.

I’d limit screen time
Stick with cubs
look at another activity eg music lessons, chess club, basketball or martial arts

Get him off games and YouTube? I’m stuggling to see how At 9 he’s allowed this, as he clearly can’t self regulate.

Another vote for limiting screen time. Martial arts? Mine were both avid readers at this age. Subscription to magazine? Puzzles? Lego?

Yep DS does a tonne of stuff he says he “hates”, but which he actually enjoys once he is there. If I let him quit them all, he’d happily spend all day watching tv or playing Minecraft, so I don’t let him.

We have no screens in a morning and an activity Monday-Thursday (one is school orchestra, one is his second language tutor, so not exactly onerous). He still manages an hour or two of screen time, he isn’t deprived.

If he hates swimming/rugby/tennis/music as a teenager, he can drop them. Aged 8/9, he can’t (also he clearly doesn’t actually hate them, he just hates being torn away from his ipad).

OP my daughter was exactly the same at this age! Also an only and for around 8 years it was just the two of us. I absolutely relate to your situation. Some kids just aren't into the extra curricular stuff. Also, parenting a head strong only child is hard work! Please don't compare your situation to others.

Things that have helped with my DD are encouraging friendships outside of school so that she still had social time and other kids have influenced her to try new things. I've pushed her into all sorts of clubs and activities and at 13 she"s agreed to try out acting and stick it out until at least Christmas to give it a proper go (stop the nagging). She's also joining a sport after school once a week because all of her friends are and she doesn't want to walk home alone. 🤦‍♀️ She occasionally joins me at a weekly fitness class, which is supposedto be my time but at this point im just relievedshe actuallywants to do something. I suspect confidence has a lot to do with this and maybe that might resonate with you?

I've also managed to orchestrate some time with some older teens who are good role models and I believe this is beginning to rub off on her.

Keep persevering and introducing your DS to new activities and strong role models and don't give up... he will find something he's into it just takes some kids time to find their passion.

Hats off to @Loubylie 🙌

What do you and your partner do?

(not always but...)In my experience, children usually imitate their parents. and if they see parents who have passionate/active hobbies, they will expect to do the same themselves. Couple this with less screentime and they should end up with hobbies.

So I would look at both of those dynamics. Are you setting an active example? Or watching/relaxing yourselves? if you are, then reduce screen time. Of course if addictive and easy games are there, more slow and time consuming hobbies are hard to sell.

My kids are older now but I didn’t allow any gaming during the weekday, a bit of TV in the afternoon but not much.
if you take away the screens (which are extremely addictive) he will find things to do (once they realise they can read for fun, thst also helps).
at that age I would try every sport I can think of to keep him active, even if he doesn’t fall in love with it.

I used to keep a jar of suggestion of things to do. Things like paint a self portrait, skip for 10 minutes. Just random stuff they ciukd do in their own. Sometimes they would go to the jar and pull out a piece of paper either a suggestion on and actually try it.

If they ever said they were bored I’d find them a cleaning job around the house.

Does he ever cook with you? At that age DS would choose a meal a week from his Usborne cooking for boys book and we’d cook it together.

I totally understand about needing a break, but maybe try and go swimming with him at the weekend if he wants to do it with you.

I only let mine drop activities if they really really want to and it’s a long thought our decision. Swimming lessons would be a hard no, yes they moan but it’s an important life skill. Has he any interest in a team sport like hockey, football, rugby? Art classes? A martial arts? Maybe stretch the net wide and see what is available? Does the school run some afterschool clubs in different activities?

maybe this academic term reduce post school screens to two afternoons a week?

Or maybe just accept this is who he is, and that he doesn't really enjoy extra curricular stuff right now, and that is ok?

Kids work hard enough at school,I don't understand the obsession with then forcing them to do even more stuff. Fine if they enjoy it. But many don't.

Extra curricular activities aren't compulsory. As he gets older he may find things that genuinely interest him and start those.....

As long as what he is doing is safe and healthy (online activity isn't always, so we do have a responsibility to monitor this and intervene as appropriate) I think kids should be able to spend their leisure time how they like. There may be fewer instances of poor mental health in the young if there was less pressure.

Were a gaming family and ive nothing against gaming but a variety of social circles and experiences are important for us all - including parents too - i even attend a hobby that i find frustrating/challenging but I do it for a different social circle,I enjoy being with the people there.

I've always insisted on one team sport and allow them to switch to a different one after 1 school year - its non-negotiable. Its taken much research on my part to find out what is available locally. To ease things I've bribed with things like robux/vbucks to allow them time to make new friends even if they hate the activity initially which has worked.

Swimming lessons, well i hate that too - it's a drag as it's been a long process but again that's non-negotiable.

The favourite kids club in this house, with no resistance is gamers club, which is good for socialising and lots of friends and buzzing chat in there.

My non-negotiables are 1 team sport, 1 social club and 1 instrument group (group class to keep costs low and for social aspect) plus swimming complete until offer of club place then can quit. Theyve dabnled in other things if they want like dance/art.

We've did cubs/brownies but that fell into social for me and I let them drop it for gamers as it is very social in there. They also found cubs/brownies boring as they got older but I think it depends on your local unit to be honest as I've heard good things about other units further away.

Do I or DH want to be running about most evenings to clubs? - not particularly. But normally once kids have arrived they are happy and once I pickup full of spark about whatever they've just done, they've enjoyed being with friends and progressing/achieving in their activity. Then there are team matches or shows that come from being part of a club which adds extra experiences to their lives.

Humans dont become well rounded by doing minimal things, they need pushed out their comfort zone and variety in their lives.

Being a parent is hard and this is part of it in my opinion.

Hope that offers some insight 😀

It's tricky as dc do need to learn to cope with unstructured time too. Filling every evening with organised activities isn't that healthy imo, just as doing nothing isn't.
Cut back screen time. Try and find alternatives- lego, art, whatever. Get him to help cook sometimes. Compile a list of available clubs, and tell him he is choosing 2 - if he doesn't. Then you will!

I had similar with my son, now 19. We tried him with football, gymnastics, mma, boxing, swimming, cubs, guitar lessons...anything he showed an interest in. He stuck at them all for about 6 months (with the exception of football which he did reluctantly for about 3 years) but just hated the whole organised activity thing and being ferried around to stuff after school- he just wanted to play Fortnite and chat to friends online. I spent months worrying about it and telling myself I was a dreadful parent because he wasn't doing a different thing every night. At 16 he started going to the gym with a couple of mates and he's found 'his thing'. It's also lead him to a real passion for meal prep and cooking (great for me too when there's extra portions put aside for my work lunches!) and he's in a running club.
Encourage him all you like and of course watch his screen time but try not to worry too much. Some kids just don't enjoy all that, and thats ok. I wish someone had told me that 9 years ago :) x

My daughter is 10 and I restrict her screen time. She's not allowed any screens in the morning at all, and after school she's not allowed any before dinner. She can game/YouTube/video call in the evening but quite often by the time we've had dinner she's not thinking about it at all. She does sport and physical activities but home she most often does crafts, usually with the TV on. We've had a lot of 'I'm bored' complaints at various times but she is used to it now and knows I won't budge, so she knows how to find something to do. Does he like anything crafty? Some kids are into drawing their own comics or things like making stop-motion videos, which I think is a slightly different and allowable use of tech even during restricted time. We also let her have friends over a lot because she's also an only child, so we facilitate that.

Cut the screens and you'll notice a huge change in him. My 9 year old has no screens before school and only from 9am on weekends, homework done first, tennis/hockey training depending on the day and then screen time which usually is Zelda/MarioKart on the Switch, some shows on Nickelodeon, a Disney movie etc. He is plenty busy (10 hours of sports training plus matches) but he will stil find loads of free time just to do nothing. Boredom is a choice. If he's bored, he'll get the hockey mat out and do some skills or the tennis rebounder or find a wall. He has no access to YouTube whatsover. A lot of his classmates watch all that garbage and the parents are forever whinging that their kids get agresisve when it's turned off, tantrums, pleading with tears and everthing that comes with that; like little zombies.

Don't quit the swimming. Sign him up for another sport to get him out of the house. If he doesn't like outdoors, find a basketball club. If he's not into team sports, tennis. Doesn't want contact sport, hockey. Badminton, table tennis, pickleball/padel with the family.