Concerns we’re not intensely developing our DC

[FrazzledMum22]

I live in an area where families typically have high disposable incomes and as my DC peers have started to progress through primary school (currently in Yr 2), I’m seeing an increase trend in families using 1:1 tutors for school and 1:1 coaches for extra curricula activities, because their children are showing potential in a particular area.

We’re not in a position to finance that type of teaching/ coaching and part of me thinks it’s excessive. Whilst my DC does a decent amount of extra curricula activities, I’m also keen for them to have down time and the opportunity to run around in the sprinkler after school on a sunny day.

Added to which we haven’t found anything our child excels in. They’re fairly good at a number of sports they do outside of school and are academically strong (comfortably working at greater depth).

However, I’m worrying our DC will be left behind if we don’t find their ‘thing’ and invest in it.

I’d love to hear success stories from families who held off from the early intense coaching strategy I’m seeing more of.

Also, if anyone has any tips to find their child’s thing - that would be amazing!

The fact your y2 already has a 'decent amount ' of extra curriculars sort of suggests you have a lot more disposable income than many on here. Adding to that the fact they're fairly good at several different sports and comfortably working at greater depth and it sounds like the dream. Just enjoy them! They don't need a 'thing' at 7. Enjoy your bright, well rounded, happy child!

We did invest in music early - but only because DD was massively pushing for more and more and better teachers and higher levels etc, and because she was so severely dyslexic and felt so stupid at school that she needed something that she could actually be good at.

Lots of parents were let their kids try different things, but it's actually a very tiny percentage who invest significant time and money - and is almost always because child was standout good and driven.

I know a lot of parents in high level music, performing arts, sports etc and honestly most of them are exhausted and poor because of it!

In terms of finding their 'thing'... there were lots of things DD tried and was keen on, but she wasn't keen on doing the practice and she didn't bounce out of every lesson begging to stay or do more. No point telling me you want to be a ballet dancer and in the same breathe saying plies are boooooorrrring.

Teachers will often tell you if they think child is particularly suited - but that doesn't always mean child agrees. DD is very good at the piano, her teacher would like her to take the piano very seriously... DD thinks piano is a bit meh and has no interest in taking it seriously let alone very seriously.

Sometimes there isn't anything that they are going to be Olympic level at - and that is fine. It's probably a happier life and it's good to be able to do lots of things okay (tennis, swimming, chess, drawing... all nice life skills) but being standout comes with so many sacrifices in terms of normal life, and often huge disappointments, injury risks, or just getting to a stage where you are no longer 'wow' for age which is mentally very hard I imagine.

So basically what you’re saying is that your child is fine, and a good all-rounder, but you’re worried they’re being ‘left behind’ because of your own social insecurity? Recognise this is about you, and don’t give it another thought. Have a sense of humour about it and imagine yourself frantically trying to find your child a tutor/coach in Mongolian throat singing/ medieval jousting techniques/Old Icelandic.

OP, I also live in an affluent area, and my dd1's friendship group were far wealthier than us, and also heavily invested in academic success. Most of them also had SAHMs, whereas I was a working single parent and very time poor.

They're now all at Russell Group unis, and doing well. Please understand that this is not a humble brag about how my super-bright kid overcame all barriers. My dd1 is not super-bright. More, I'm slightly surprised that her friends didnt do better: all that investment, and they didnt seem to do any better than their peers who didnt bother.

I'm all for enrichment, butI think it's also important for children to be well rested, to learn how to be bored, to manage their own time. I also think activities shouldn't all be about parental ambition.

Thank you everyone for sharing their thoughts and personal experiences. I really appreciate the advice. Of course, I recognise this is about my own anxieties about my parenting strategy - I’m sure I’ll have more wobbles in the future. It’s tough to know what the right pathway is sometimes and being an outlier has its own set of challenges.

There’s absolutely no need to overschedule children at that age. What they will really benefit from is unstructured play with their friends, so they develop strong social skills and friendships. That will stand them in good stead for life. And the best thing - it’s free

Added to which we haven't found anything our child excels in

Yes you have - you say it yourself:

"and are academically strong (comfortably working at greater depth)"

What more do you want? In any case, not everyone is keen on sports, swimming, dance, chess, horse riding, playing an instrument, whatever. Just let your dc be who they are, and since they are agile in the brain box, support that by taking them to places of interest over the school holidays. Let them lead, and you follow.

In your position we took ours go-karting.. we now have 2 race fiends on our hands, do something different the whole family can enjoy, ice skating, climbing and hiking etc.

They are only in year 2 they don't need to do anything extra. All mine only did some after school clubs nothing else. I think parents nowadays expect too much from their children. They need to have fun after school not more pressure.

my eldest loves activities and was doing a big variation in year 2. By year 4 she found something she adores and two years later is still obsessed. We do have private coaching but it’s more than excelling in sport, it’s about fun and confidence. My youngest is year 3 and isn’t into as intense activity and he does football and then doing things as a family.

Thank you everyone. All your supportive and thoughtful responses are appreciated!

Slightly off topic but my good friend is very vocally judgemental at us for paying for PS. I’ve recently found out she pays for 1-2-1 football coaching twice a week, and 11+ tutoring so her child gets in to the good grammar. She didn’t like it when i pointed out that her financial situation was directly allowing her son to access privileges others can’t 😂

Now with grown up family I can look back and say they found what they liked doing and we supported with clubs or classes as they needed .
These things can happen organically . Let them try a few things and something might stick !
DS did no clubs as a youngster but now is a keen and good sportsman in running and cycling .

Your child's thing is the best one: it's called "childhood". It doesn't last, and many people weren't allowed to have one, so they can't recognise it even when in front of their noses. You are doing great.

Thank you everyone - I appreciate you sharing your thoughts, which have been insightful and have given me a bit of a boost.

If I could go back and change something about my parenting, it would be to rein back massively on extra curricular activities. My older one in particular was hugely overscheduled. She enjoyed all her activities, but would have been just as happy if not happier with half the number. She was competent at all of them, but none were her “thing”. My younger child, however had a “thing” which was apparent from very early on, and was driven by him from then on. He now makes a reasonable living at it-but I think that is incredibly unusual. Children need much more down time than many of us-myself included-realize. Growing up, negotiating school and friends and everything is tiring and stressful.

Same ! Forced my eldest to play the violin caused so many rows. My biggest parenting fail.

Both mine had one thing they were at best average at but enjoyed and made new friends through and without prompting stuck at until 16. They are good academically and cheerful and happy. They will never be Olympians but am happy with outcome.

@FrazzledMum22 just to add another voice. We also had the income to fund stuff and I was a sahm. Honestly? Mine did very little outside the house in terms of scheduled sports or hobbies in primary. They tried lots but didn't love anything. The only consistent thing we did was swimming every week with them at a private gym. We encouraged a love of learning, that can be academic to support their wider knowledge of the world and also physical things, building lego, electric circuits, playing outdoor games like hopscotch, ring toss, climbing frame and slide. We also played card games, games classed as educational and played in teams of 1 adult 1 child vs the other adult and child. They learned sportsmanship, how to win gracefully and lose gracefully.

I did try to get them into cubs/scouts but it was always full with huge waiting lists and so we just looked at things that interested them and learned about those at home, I mean who doesn't want to learn knots?

My sister's child is much younger than my two and he is heavily scheduled so he has other children to play with. My two played together beautifully despite being completely opposite of each other.

I do know that several parents who invested a lot of time in things like swimming for county etc were then completely pissed off when said child dropped that sport. The parents feeling like they had sacrificed early mornings, weekends, driving to meets, the money to pay for specialised coaching, see also tennis.

I think what I am trying to say is, don't sweat the small stuff. If your child is healthy and happy, then that is what matters most. Support their school learning and encourage curiosity about everything. I will finish with the usual mine excelled academically, attended/attend top ranking RG unis but are also lovely boys, kind, caring, thoughtful. Ds represents his uni at eSports but both my sons do rock climbing for fun as adults.

The fact your y2 already has a 'decent amount ' of extra curriculars sort of suggests you have a lot more disposable income than many on here.

Very much this. At our daughter’s London school (which locally is regarded as quite middle class but sounds a lot more demographically mixed than yours) I know that we are regarded as pushy parents because she does a lot of extra-curriculars, has in-school piano lessons and so on. But none of these is done in a very intense way because we want her to be an all-rounder, to have opportunities to try a range of activities and to have some down time too. She is also working at GD across the board, which again is very much not the norm in her school. Most of her peers’ families either can’t afford to do lots of things outside of school, can’t facilitate them as they are working flat out or don’t see the point, so we recognise how relatively privileged our DD is.

We’re about to move to a more uniformly affluent, middle class area and I am expecting things to be very different there, and to find that DD goes from being the outlier in these things to pretty average.

Ultimately its all about striking a balance: I do think it’s important to broaden children’s horizons as far as possible and to provide opportunities to find things that they’re going to enjoy and benefit from throughout their lives, but equally (especially as schooling is much more intense these days) they need time to just relax and hang out with friends, which some of these very hothoused children lack.

Lastly, just to add that I’d slightly disagree with the pp who said that teachers would be likely to spot and flag up a particular talent or aptitude. Certainly in DD’s school (and most of the state primaries I previously worked in as a teacher) there is so little time nowadays allocated to anything in the curriculum that isn’t a core subject that most teachers wouldn’t have a clue how genuinely good a child was at drama, or sport, or music (many of these are also ‘PPA subjects’, which are farmed out to external providers who aren’t as invested in the children as individuals). The current ‘equity’ agenda at our primary also means that teachers are very reluctant to suggest that any child is ‘better’ than the next at any particular activity; we’ve very much found that it’s up to us to work out what DD’s interests and talents might be.

I want to add to my previous response from the perspective of someone who had a child with a “thing”. He took charge of it as soon as he discovered it. Obviously, I had to pay, chauffeur, keep an eye and occasionally put my foot down about things, but the actual doing of it was almost entirely in his hands. The few other kids I know who had “things” were the same. They didn’t have to be reminded, or chivvied, or bribed.

Exactly I agree once again. Both of mine were always keen to do their chosen thing never had to chivvy or nag them to go. They weren’t particularly brilliant at either activity which they chose themselves but were competent and enjoyed them and both met out of school friends there.

My children had one extra activity each week plus swimming. Football for one ,rugby for the other son and tennis for my daughter. They played these sports because they enjoyed not necessarily because they were going to be the next top player.
Down time after school ,just chilling is so important.
The only regret I have is that my daughter wishes she had played an instrument which at the time she never expressed an interest.
One of my sons is now a marathon runnerbut he really only took an interest in running at Uni .
Children are put under so much pressure these days and it’s not great for their MH long term .