Ballet - any point continuing if DD doesn't practice?

[dancedn]

She said she wants to do this as a career, but I don't think her heart is in it or that she even enjoys it. She doesn't practice, not for an exam, a competition or a show. She insists, whenever I check, that she likes it and insists this is what she wants. It's starting to become noticeable in her results; with low exam marks and thus time the teacher delaying putting her in for another exam, also in competitions, and generally she's not improving.

She does a lot of dance (including a private lesson) and it's costing an awful lot of money (£400 last month) and I'd be happy to let her coast along indefinitely but we've had a downturn in finances and are quite badly off at the moment.

I'm not sure what to do. If she wanted to drop some of it and continue at hobby level then fine, but she says not, and still won't practice.

Any help appreciated as I'm at a loss at the moment.

Do you think perhaps she feels the opposite and actually doesn’t want to do it anymore but can’t actually find the words to say it out loud? She knows how much money and effort has gone into this future career so perhaps she feels too invested to walk away, so insists that it’s what she wants but actually she may be very unhappy? Perhaps rather than giving her an ultimatum, give her the option of telling you she doesn’t want to do it anymore.

Perhaps. There is a general competitive element to her school I don't really like. She has lost confidence which shows in her performance.

Perhaps she needs to come out of the competition classes and rehearsals and concentrate on just classes for the time being.

There's no point in her entering festivals or competitions if she's lacklustre, and a lack of success there will only reinforce her lack of confidence.

I've definitely thought so, yes! I've have tried that many times. It's not all or nothing, and she could keep a few lessons (she also has a dance associate place she would never give up), but not 4-5 days a week intense as it has been for years.

I will have to have another talk I think.

Yes, I think so. Most definitely.

When you talk to her perhaps frame it as reassessing her time commitments with GCSEs coming up, dropping competition classes but focusing on technique instead of doing it from a money or "your not pulling your weight" front.

If she's not destined to be a ballerina for a company but still wants to keep dance in her life perhaps she'd like to help out with the younger classes and head down the teaching route.

Sorry if I've missed any individual replies. Thank you all for the help and perspective.

I will need to speak to her again.

Random question - is her teacher good enough?

If she's 15, is she in Y10 or 11? If she's in Y11, then the time to start applying is not next year, but quite soon. Many of the schools will be opening their applications for 2014 entry in the next few weeks.

Tring's first audition date is in November.

Only 3 solos is not minimal. It might seem like it is if she’s at a comp focused studio but I’d call minimal maybe 1 group dance entered 2-3 times a year.

I agree with taxi maybe cut the comps. Take the pressure off for a bit and let her dance for pleasure but don’t spend what you can’t afford.

How are you and your DD going OP?
I have been thinking about you. I have a same age DD preparing for Adv 1.

We had the crisis situation a year ago - total change in attitude, didn't want to put the hours in, no joy, couldn't articulate what was going on, etc.

In our case (not saying this is the same as yours) it turned out to be a complete panic and internal meltdown, because she felt a massive amount of pressure to do well / get a full time training place / work really hard for a career, because she had a lot of talent and her teachers (and us) had all assumed that's what she wanted.

She actually went into total burnout and couldn't go into the studio for 6 months. Much counselling etc later, we found out that she felt like we (her parents and teachers) would all be really disappointed in her if she didn't WANT to work super hard and have a career - ie we'd think she was a failure - so she just couldn't bring herself to say that she didn't want that, she wanted a more normal teenage life where there was down time and seeing friends and thinking about maybe going to uni. I felt terrible obviously. So much guilt.

Anyway. She's back in the studio now. We've established that she wants to do her Adv 2, but then go to university rather than have a dance career. She's given up solos and most troupe work. She's basically doing the 'minimum' that will give her a good chance of a good result for Adv 2 that she'll feel proud of - which is about 8-9 hours per week instead of 15. So still a lot, but there's a little bit of room to do something that's not dance related occasionally, which has made a big difference for her.

This all might not be relevant to your situation but I really just wanted to say you aren't alone in having a teen suddenly have a massive change in attitude and be confused about it. I hope you guys are all doing ok.

OP, I think I’ve observed your situation, or something similar. For context, I also have a dd who is 15 and doing Adv1, she doesn’t do comps and does the bare minimum (about 7 hours a week, sometimes less) so she can balance dance with her other commitments. She hasn’t decided between the vocational dance route at 18 or university, and wants to keep her options open for as long as possible.

I’m the only non-dancing mum in the group of parents, all of her peers have mums who used to dance, or at the very least make costumes and chaperone shows, some have even moved house etc for the right training for their dd or to create a studio space like the one you have.

From the outside, it looks like there is huge investment in their dd’s dance careers. I’ve worried I look both mean and unsupportive in contrast! But the flip side is that I’ve seen quite a lot of physical and mental ill health in some of the dancers, and I’ve wondered if perhaps it becomes really hard for them to balance what they want at 15 (rather than 10) with the huge investment in their dancing. I’m sure the parents don’t intend it that way, but if the dd knows that their parents have given up a lot for them, then I can entirely understand how a dd would feel a sense of obligation to at least try for a career in dance, no matter what their parents say. Actions speak louder than words.

It’s hard to know what is right, and I constantly struggle with the balance. But I wonder, as well as an open conversation, whether it’s worth offering your dd a ‘face saving’ way out, maybe that she has to focus on her GCSEs?

There's also the possibility that she does still really want the dance career, but she's terrified that even if she puts all the work in she won't be good enough/accepted where she wants to go, so as a protective instinct she's not trying her hardest. That way she'll never have to find out if her best isn't good enough.

It's not uncommon. If it is a factor, hopefully she can get some reassurance if you make it clear that YOU won't think she's a failure if her best isn't good enough to get into whatever training/company she has been hoping for.